tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4895527034843171824.post1449398598650757209..comments2024-01-04T01:16:23.041-05:00Comments on Life After Stern College: What does it mean to forgive?SternGradhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04629199158696400120noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4895527034843171824.post-10644445973833987092010-09-20T19:36:41.023-04:002010-09-20T19:36:41.023-04:00Coral- at this point it's been so long that it...Coral- at this point it's been so long that it doesn't really bother me anymore- I've moved on. But you're right about communication-I think if I could go back I would have talked to her about it closer to the incident, so that I could have move past it faster than I did.SternGradhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04629199158696400120noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4895527034843171824.post-27555188636500619872010-09-19T12:37:38.429-04:002010-09-19T12:37:38.429-04:00You mentioned that ever though she hurt you, you c...You mentioned that ever though she hurt you, you continue to be good friends. Why couldn't you still be good friends even if you discussed the hurtful incedent with her? You sound kind of indecisive...you have forgiven her but it hurt...you have no negative feelings toward her ASIDE from this incedent... to me it sounds like you still haven't forgiven her. I am in no place to say whether it should be easy to forgive her or not b/c I do not know what she did to you. But I would consider saying something to her, even though it happened years ago. Maybe she has done the same thing to other people without realizing, and how do you know she won't do it to you again? She doesn't know she hurt you. She hasn;t had an oppotunity to do teshuva for this because she doesn't know. Therefore you could be taking on the responsibility for her misdeed. Again, I don't know what she did, so it's hard to say whether you should talk it out with ehr or not, but I wouldn't suggest being the matyr for her actions. Having open communication could strengthen a friendship. It's definitely needed for a healthy marriage, so this could just be a good practice for that.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4895527034843171824.post-61737258095278071142010-09-16T09:07:14.814-04:002010-09-16T09:07:14.814-04:00Bookworm- you're right. we can't always ch...Bookworm- you're right. we can't always choose to forget, but we can choose to stop focusing on it so that it's not on our mind anymore.<br /><br />Aminspiration- In terms of lying to yourself by feeling one way and acting another- it's a thin line, people are very complex. If you feel very very strong negative feelings of anger or hatred towards someone but treat them kindly, I think that is too big of a discrepancy. But if in general you like someone a lot and get along well with them, but there is a small point of annoyance, then it is a different situation. In my case, I suppose if I hadn't been able to get over it on my own, I would have needed to talk to her to continue our friendship, but my first approach is sometimes is to try to get over it myself without starting up a conversation that could lead into an argument.SternGradhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04629199158696400120noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4895527034843171824.post-87086127932981974022010-09-16T00:20:09.957-04:002010-09-16T00:20:09.957-04:00its funny, cuz i was just talking about this with ...its funny, cuz i was just talking about this with my friend over shabbat. <br /><br />fear does not mean forgetting in my opinion. U agree with Bookworm that it means that you have moved past it. it does not bother you anymore and this takes work. <br /><br />we learned that you cannot lie to someone and tell them that you forgive them when you blatantly don't, cuz then you are simply putting a stumbling block before the blind bcz they think they are cleared when they are not. you have to be honest and tell them that it may take a while and that you are working on it (assuming you are..)<br /><br />it is possible to be friends with someone with "positive' actions towards them but then it seems to me that you are lying to yourself and the other person when you do that. if it someone who you care about and a relationship that is important to you then you owe it to yourself and the relationship the time and talking it needs to heal. <br />the other person wont know that they have hurt you and will not make any motion to make amends until they know that they have done something wrong.aminspirationhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02226594722883362146noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4895527034843171824.post-41790471501874954242010-09-15T12:27:52.682-04:002010-09-15T12:27:52.682-04:00I think the ability to forget is an extremely high...I think the ability to forget is an extremely high level - who forgets at will? But I think how you have behaved is a close second. For all intents and purposes, your actions show that you do not hold anything against this girl. She cannot even tell that you were once angry with her. <br /><br />And what would be gained by telling her? She hasn't hurt you since then, so it can be assumed it was a once time thing. Telling her that you were very hurt would make her feel terrible, and you would feel no better. <br /><br />In my view, forgiveness is letting go. You don't lay at night staring at the ceiling, seething over the wrong. You don't let it color your demeanor towards another. It shouldn't fester, and then surface years later passive-aggressively.Bookwormnoreply@blogger.com