tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4895527034843171824.post6782028528542275134..comments2024-01-04T01:16:23.041-05:00Comments on Life After Stern College: "One and Done" vs. Second Date = Second ChanceSternGradhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04629199158696400120noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4895527034843171824.post-14181692146083029032011-02-09T09:09:18.121-05:002011-02-09T09:09:18.121-05:00SoG - It is frustrating when shadchans try to pres...SoG - It is frustrating when shadchans try to pressure you. In the case of one of one and dones, I spoke to the shadchan three or four times before she finally got the message that there was no way I was going on another date. She kept telling me to think it over. The more I thought it over the more sure I was that I would not like to spend any more time with that person. The first date was unpleasant enough.SternGradhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04629199158696400120noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4895527034843171824.post-32392115632353969942011-02-08T21:40:53.268-05:002011-02-08T21:40:53.268-05:00I can testify to the attraction increasing phenome...I can testify to the attraction increasing phenomenon. There was one girl I gave 4 dates because I liked everything about her except for one odd facial feature that I simply couldn't get over, no matter how hard I tried, and that was bery difficult for me. There was only one time I had a one and done, but it was mutual for hashkafic reasons. <br /><br />Another date SHOULD have been a O&D, but the shadchan pressured ME, despite my complete confidence that she was crazy brainwashed-flipped out and professed her intention to do kiruv that way too which is not my style at all. That one ended after the 2nd date when I refused to give in again to the shadchan's pleas.Shades of Greyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02733139852424935591noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4895527034843171824.post-34928010293273981082011-02-08T20:39:24.431-05:002011-02-08T20:39:24.431-05:00harry-er - it's true that people assume that i...harry-er - it's true that people assume that if a guy says no after one date it is due to looks. Asking "do I want to spend more time with this person" seems like a good practical question.SternGradhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04629199158696400120noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4895527034843171824.post-43372073938160827392011-02-08T14:47:01.794-05:002011-02-08T14:47:01.794-05:00I actually disagree with the assumption that girls...I actually disagree with the assumption that girls are pressured into second dates more. People assume that the reason the guy is saying no because of her looks and isn't attracted to her, so they try to convince them that attraction will grow. Sometimes this is true, but sometimes not. But from anecdotal evidence, I have heard many times where the guy went out again, purely because he thought she was ugly and didn't want to hurt her feelings. I personally have only said no to a second date twice. Once when I commented to the shadchan that she needs to talk more, and the girl thought she talked alot, and the second was when she looked exactly like her brother who was a friend of mine. It freaked me out and i couldn't go out again with her.<br /><br />Otherwise, I always so yes to a second date, mainly because I try to give it a chance. My general approach to dating is to only think about if i want to spend more time with her, not long term/fit for marriage terms. This lends itself to saying yes to a second date more often than not.harry-er than them allhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07957506180776134351noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4895527034843171824.post-33964731272591829002011-02-07T22:19:25.081-05:002011-02-07T22:19:25.081-05:00aminspiration- well put.
Bookworm- Hmm. Good poin...aminspiration- well put.<br /><br />Bookworm- Hmm. Good point. One does hope that you can't make any decisions to stop yourself from ending up with the right person.<br /><br />Lawschooldrunk- very interesting.<br /><br />To your first point- I agree that going out a second time when you KNOW it will go nowhere is a waste of time. But it is easy to get pushed into a second date if you're mostly sure, but part of you is not really sure.<br /><br />In terms of your second point- I hadn't thought about that, but I agree! I don't think guys should spend money early on. Why spend money on someone you don't even know? But some people would call me crazy cause they claim if the guy doesn't spend money then he is being cheap. That is ridiculous.<br /><br />I think the reasons you named for saying no after one date are valid.<br /><br />About your anecdote- that is something I have been thinking about writing a post about for a little while. Does attraction really grow? I am impressed by your story, since I have yet to have that experience. I have dated guys that I really liked and enjoyed spending time with and despite getting to know them I wasn't attracted to them. Even though I wish I was because I liked them. People tell me attraction grows, but I have yet to see it for myself.<br /><br />I'm surprised a girl admitted to eating treif on a date! At least she was honest...SternGradhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04629199158696400120noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4895527034843171824.post-87546071012138300492011-02-07T21:26:58.986-05:002011-02-07T21:26:58.986-05:00QED,
no, I would not have let my date eat treif. ...QED,<br /><br />no, I would not have let my date eat treif. Rather, she told me that she once ate treif in a moment of weakness. But, based on what I knew of her, she would be easily prone to moments of weakness or would put herself in those situations that would lead to eating treif. (I am looking for someone with just a wee drop stronger character of avodas hashem.)lawschooldrunkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06981455538460795016noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4895527034843171824.post-41935829650585981912011-02-07T20:58:32.007-05:002011-02-07T20:58:32.007-05:00LSDrunk,
She ate treif in your presence?LSDrunk,<br />She ate treif in your presence?QEDnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4895527034843171824.post-19203329632849716782011-02-07T17:01:42.629-05:002011-02-07T17:01:42.629-05:00There is NO problem saying NO after one date when ...There is NO problem saying NO after one date when you know it will not go anywhere. There IS a problem when you say yes to a second date only because the alternative is being accused of being unfair, because you will be wasting someone's time (invaluable) and possibly money.<br /><br />Which brings me to my second idea. Girls do not invest much in the first couple of dates because all they have to do is be taken out. (I am not having the discussion now of for whom dating is harder.) Guys have to invest in the first couple of dates. They invest time traveling to and from the girl, and they pay for transportation and the activity. So it is no surprise that girls are told more often then guys to always go out on a second date- they aren't the ones footing the bill or spending 2 hours in traffic to get to a date!<br /><br />That being said, from my male perspective, I will only say no after one date if I can't get past someone's looks (we're talking Medusa, here), lack of intelligence (I'm not judging, just trying to find my life companion), total mismatch of hashkafah, or if my date did something totally inexcusable or majorly turn-off-able (like a "frum BY" eating non-kosher - I kid you not).<br /><br />Shidduch dating is extremely superficial in the initial stages and totally unnatural. There are too many false and unhealthy pressures placed on daters that can sabotage the natural progression of a relationship. That is why, barring what I said above, it is important to go out more than once, if only to see your date in another setting or in possibly a different mood.<br /><br />One anecdote: I dated someone who I thought was not pretty on the first date, but I loved her personality and hashkafic view. One the second date, she wasn't bad looking but not good looking. On the third date, I thought she was pretty. To me, this shows that the more you see someone, the more chance their appearance will grow on you, or at least subside as less important than the pedestal automatically created at the beginning of the first date when the door first opens. <br /><br />And "Bashert." Don't get me started. I call it, "Playing g-d." It's not for mortals, so don't overanalyze. This is a HUGE discussion by itself, Stern girl.lawschooldrunkhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06981455538460795016noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4895527034843171824.post-58276899731973931662011-02-07T12:51:47.932-05:002011-02-07T12:51:47.932-05:00I'm not sure if it is so easy to lose your bas...I'm not sure if it is so easy to lose your bashert. I know of quite a few situations when either a guy or girl kept saying no (rather unreasonably) then they end up with that person. But my premise is never to say no to a second date if the person is a mensch. One can always tell. If they say no, well, that's not my problem.Bookwormnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4895527034843171824.post-22007400491031899292011-02-07T06:33:02.164-05:002011-02-07T06:33:02.164-05:00I do believe in giving people chances bcz you neve...I do believe in giving people chances bcz you never know what happened that first time, but if there is something horrendously wrong the first time, and if you cant wait to get away from the person then i think its a pretty safe indication that its not going to work..aminspirationhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02226594722883362146noreply@blogger.com