Different approaches to "The Shidduch Crisis": Analyzing the causes and solutions

Recently Yeshiva World News and YU/ YUConnects each put out videos addressing the problem of “The Shidduch Crisis.”

To sum up, the Yeshiva World News’ video (click here to watch) explains that many girls ages 24-29 are not married- according to their survey about 14%. They attribute the problem to “The Age Gap,” which means that “In a growing population you have more younger people than older people,” and since guys marry girls who are 2, 3 or more years younger than them, there end up being a lot of girls who have no one to marry.

The YUConnects video, (click here), which is considerably longer (about 19 minutes) does not clearly define the problem and does not clearly define the solution. The tone of the video is more casual and informal. It is discussion-based and includes interviews with singles and shadchanim to paint a picture of some of the problems with the shidduch system in what I would call “YU type” communities.

Both the Yeshivish world and the YU world agree that there is a problem that exists which they call “The Shidduch Crisis.” However, there seems to be debate on two points: What is the Shidduch Crisis/how do you define it? And secondly, what is the cause of the shidduch crisis? It is only once you have answered those two questions that you can try to come up with a solution.

For the Yeshivish world, it seems that the problem (the definition of the Shidduch Crisis) is that there are many older girls who are still single and cannot find guys to marry. This premise assumes that the problem is mathematical (more girls than guys) and therefore the solution is about numbers. While it would be great if it was that simple, I have two problems with this:
1. If the problem is really the age gap, then how come there was never a Shidduch Crisis before? The population in the world has always been growing, and guys have traditionally married girls younger than them, (and in fact I would argue the age gap was larger in the past), so why wasn’t there a Shidduch Crisis 100 years ago? This makes no sense to me.
2. The solution of “Close the Age Gap, Solve the Shidduch Crisis,” only makes sense if the problem is the abundant number of single girls. Maybe in the Yeshivish world the problem is only that girls are single, but in the YU community at least, there are plenty of guys who are single as well.

So for the “YU world”, so to speak, what is the problem? What is the crisis? It seems that the crisis is that there is high number of both men and women who are single and who would like to be married, who have been dating for a long time. Now comes the second question: What is causing this problem of so many singles who cannot find a spouse? The way I see it, there are two possible points in the dating/marriage timeline that could be the source of the problem:
1. The right guys and girls are not being set up with each other, so they never meet, and so they never get married. Problem: They don’t meet.
2. Guys and girls are being set up, and they do meet, but after they meet they never progress from the stage of going out to getting engaged. People are too quick to break up. Problem: Relationships have no problem beginning, but they do not continue.

From the YU Connects video it seems that they believe the answer is choice #1, that the problem exists because singles are not meeting each other. In fact, I have yet to hear someone attribute the problem to #2; it seems the problem is that singles have difficulties meeting each other. As one of the guys in the YU Connects video said, “There could be a guy who is right for a certain girl, but they may never meet.” Why are singles not meeting each other?

This is where it becomes unclear. The video seemed to suggest a few possible sources of why singles aren’t meeting:

1. There is a problem with the shidduch system. Some argue that singles need to meet naturally and not only through being set up. Often two people do not appear to be compatible on paper, but when they meet in real life they work perfectly, and visa versa. Singles never meet because the system doesn’t allow them to. As they put it in the video, “Young people are not meeting in a normal fashion” because there is an “increasing tendency to separate the sexes.” If this is the problem, then the solution is not only create more singles events, which can be awkward and forced, but to create more events where singles can meet naturally, where the main goal isn’t necessarily dating, but just for fun.

2. There is problem with the mentality. Some say that the Shidduch Crisis exists because people focus on ridiculous details that are not important. Things such as the color of a table cloth on shabbos. (Side note: I have never actually met someone who cared about that- is that one of those things that is for real or people just like to use it as an example because perhaps one person asked it once and it is so outrageous?) I feel compelled to quote my favorite line from the video here, when one of the shadchanim interviewed says, “Don’t ask what Yeshiva he went to, ask if he’ll change diapers at 3 in the morning.” (If only it were possible to find that out!) This is the point where I feel shadchanim accuse singles today of being too picky, as that same woman said, “Maybe go out of your box and try it. Maybe that’s why you’re not married yet.” So, according to this reason, singles never meet because they refuse to go out based on unreasonable criteria.

If this is the problem, then the solution is to try to change the mentality- of the entire community, not just of singles- to focus on things that are important. This problem is not a problem only singles have, unfortunately many people today stick people into boxes and categories largely based on how a person dresses. A lot of this problem is a focus on the external and not the internal. As one of the shadchanim points out on the video about guys who only date girls who are sizes 0-2, “She might not be a size 2 after you marry her. Are you gonna throw her out?” While attraction is undeniably important, true love should prevail no matter if a persons appearance changes. That is just one example.

Obviously these two issues are not completely independent of each other; the fact that people focus on insignificant details exacerbates the problem with the shidduch system where couples are set up based on pieces of paper and not chemistry.

I have some problems with the first option, that there is a problem with the shidduch system and singles should just meet naturally. My first problem is that those of us who are products of YU type communities are being given mixed messages. All through high school and Israel girls are told not to talk to boys and guys are told not to talk to girls. We are separated, and I believe this is a good thing and that is how it should be. When girls and guys build relationships without the intention of it possibly leading towards marriage, then things get complicated. I know there are many couples who meet in high school and continue dating and get married, but my teachers always discouraged this citing the reason that being shomer negiah for that long is very difficult.

One could argue that although interaction between the sexes is discouraged before one hits a marriageable age, once a person is ready to get married, interaction should be encouraged for the purposes of shidduchim. This is what I think the argument is for singles meeting naturally, not through a shadchan. The problem is that since we have been trained not to interact with the other gender, it’s hard to suddenly begin interacting. I remember when I first started Stern College and all the sudden the administration was pushing us to attend co-ed events. I had just come back from Israel where talking to guys was extremely discouraged, and all of the sudden it was like, “Go! Talk to guys!” It was quite overwhelming and I had no clue where to begin. I was way to shy to start talking to a guy at an event (still am somewhat, but less so) and there was no way a guy would dare approach me- it would come across as being way too forward. Bad For Shidduchim has a post about this where her parents were disappointed that she had barely even looked at a single guy who she had a meal with, and she comments how her teachers would be so proud. So while meeting naturally sounds like a great idea, in reality there needs to be some sort of transition from “Don’t talk to the opposite gender!!” to “Talk to them now!!!”

And after you’re married, you’re expected to go back to not talking/interacting. That’s why it makes more sense to pick one- the Yeshivish approach that it is never OK to seriously interact with the opposite gender except on a date, or the more modern approach that it is always OK to do so. I think the middle approach is possible- that it’s not OK before and after you’re dating, but when you’re in the dating period, it is OK to break that rule- but there needs to be some serious coaching and assistance in the transition from one to the other. For both the guys and the girls.

My second problem with singles meeting their spouses “naturally,” is that there is a very fine line between interaction that is for the purpose of marriage and interaction which is not for the purpose of marriage. (I put the word “naturally” in quotes because meeting your spouse through a shadchan is also a natural process- the opposite would be a miracle, which would involve no median, but rather being handed your Bashert directly from Hashem. People tend to overlook that. Hashem is equally involved in making a shidduch whether two people meet at an event where they start up a conversation or whether another human being thinks of the idea and appears to be the cause behind the shidduch. Hashem is ultimately the only One who truly makes a shidduch.)

Back to my point, if there is a singles event where singles have the opportunity to meet, then hopefully the guys and girls will be talking and building relationships. Firstly, this brings us to the whole platonic relationship debate, of whether it is possible to have a platonic relationship and whether Hashem approves or disapproves of such relationships. Secondly, in this environment there is a possibility that a guy and girl could meet who are completely not shayach for each other, but they do have chemistry and so they develop feelings for each other. While sometimes these feelings have the potential to override the hashkafic or other differences between the two people, sometimes feelings are not enough. Then what you are left with is two people who are deeply in love, but should not be getting married. Perhaps one could argue that these are risks worth taking. No matter what there will be pros and cons, and if this method results in less singles and more marriages, then it’s worth it.

For those two reasons (mixed messages make meeting naturally difficult and meeting naturally could result in tricky relationships), I’m not sure that the solution is to drop the shidduch system entirely and just have singles meet at events or without being set up. I find the second reason I mentioned as to why singles aren’t meeting (a problem with the mentality) to be a much more compelling reason. This brings me back to the debate as to what is considered an insignificant detail that should not be used as criteria, and what is considered to be settling. The bottom line is that you never know what you would be willing to give up until you actually meet the person. It’s not that there are certain criteria that one should never give up and there are others which you should never be picky about. The mentality of focusing on details which might not be important is a problem and that should be changed. But that is not an easy thing to do, nor do I propose that it is the only way to solve the shidduch crisis.

So how do we solve The Shidduch Crisis? I definitely don’t claim to have the answer to that question. Perhaps by closing the age gap, by adjusting the shidduch system and by working to change the mentality of our community. Perhaps by being open to meeting people outside our box, and by trying to find ways for singles to meet each other.

Food for thought: How do you define “The Shidduch Crisis”? What do you think the cause is? How would you solve the crisis?

Update: There are a number of things I forgot to mention in this post.
1. I forgot to point out that even on the YUConnects video, they say that the problem affects girls more than guys- more girls are single.
2. In terms of the Yeshiva World News video, is 14% really such a high number? I suppose it is if you are one of the people counted in the 14%. I would be curious if they did the same survey in Yeshivas to find out what percentage of guys are single. I assume it would be lower, but it would be interesting if it wasn't off by that high a percent.
3. Another problem with the "let singles meet naturally at events and not through shadchanim" approach is that the Yeshivish world would never go for that.

Two videos about the Shidduch Crisis

I am in the middle of writing a review of the following two videos which each discuss "The Shidduch Crisis."

The first one, click here, was put out Yeshiva World News, and the second one, click here, is from YU Connects. The first one is short, the YU Connects one is about 19 minutes.

So for now, enjoy the videos, and get ready for a post comparing and discussing the two.

"The Shidduch Crisis"

It seems like there is always someone ranting about “The Shidduch Crisis.” To sum it up: There are many people who are not married and looking to get married, but cannot seem to find the right person. How can we solve this problem? There are a lot of suggestions as to what the problem is exactly and how we can solve it. Two that I’ve heard are that singles these days are “too picky” and that people are focused on insignificant details. Some say it’s because the entire shidduch system is messed up, and the reason it’s messed up is because people is because people focus on insignificant details.

The typical example that is used is when a person asks, “What color tablecloth does he/she use on shabbos?” I think most people can agree that is a ridiculous question, and I have never encountered someone who actually asked that question or cared what color table cloth a person a person used.

In terms of being “too picky,” what qualifies as “too picky”? For example, there are things that don’t matter- such as the tablecloth example mentioned above. Then there are things that you’re not going to give up on, that you need in a spouse. For example, a guy who believes that women are obligated to cover their hair after marriage, is not called “too picky” for refusing to date someone who does not plan to cover her hair after marriage. You have to stand up for what you believe in and not compromise on what’s really important to you. But what about examples where it is less clear?

Let’s say a guy keeps chalav yisrael and a girl is suggested to him who does not keep chalav yisrael? Is that enough to say no? Let’s say a girl grew up out of town and only wants to live in a small Jewish community outside of New York, and there is a guy who a shadchan says would be perfect for her, but only wants to live in the New York area. Should she compromise?

I was thinking about this because there is a couple I know who has been happily married for a long time, and at the time they met and got married they were less religious and began dating simply for fun. After a while they decided to get married, and discovered they had huge differences in how they felt about certain issues. Without going into details, the issues were so big that if I had been either one of them, I never would have compromised on those issues. But they were in love, so they worked it out and decided to get married anyway.

My point is: If they had gone through the shidduch system, no one would have ever set them up. Hashkafically they were on completely different planes, but they were so in love that they were willing to make huge sacrifices. They have been happily married for a while.

Those who give dating and marriage advice are always saying that marriage is about compromise. How big of a compromise though? What if he wants to learn and she’s looking for someone who plans to work? If they were meant to be, would they find a way to work it out? We’ll never know because they won’t get a chance to meet.

The problem is that there seems to be no good solution. Should everyone just date anyone at all as long as it seems like their personalities will click, because only then will they truly know what they’d be willing to compromise on for true love? That doesn’t make sense. There has to be some reason for people to go out with each other, they have to have at least some shared values. Should we keep the system the way it is? Well, many people seem to think that it is not working. Maybe each person just need to define which issues are important and which ones are not.

So: What’s considered “too picky” and what’s considered holding on to your beliefs?