When I was trying to think of what to write about for this post about Rosh Hashana, I figured I would start by looking at what I wrote on this blog last year (see here), so I could be sure not to repeat myself. That gave me a good laugh, because I saw that I wrote, “I always start by looking at the past year. Where was I last Rosh Hashana?” And, here I am again, looking back at last year. I do this because I try to think about how it was I got from there to here. Did I get here because I was passive and let myself sail down the river wherever life takes me, or did I row upstream and try hard to get here? It’s a little bit of both. Last year I wrote about how I look at the past and look at the future, and how I try to balance between feeling guilt and regret, and feeling hopeful and inspired.
This year, my thoughts are in a completely different place. Mostly I am in a very different place than I was last year- my life has changed so much in the past year, in very good ways. All the changes I talked about and hoped for at the beginning of the summer managed to work themselves out. Things in my life are busier now, which ironically has meant I have had less to write about. Somehow when things were slower and life was more boring I had so much to write about.
One thought I had about Rosh Hashana, is that in listening/reading to shiurim and other thoughts related to Rosh Hashana, I found all the parables being used to be completely un-relatable. Most of them are about Kings ruling a Kingdom and judgment. Sure, I understand what that means in theory, but it doesn’t relate practically to my life. Same thing with scales- I understand what a scale is, but the only kind of scale I use in my life is the one I hop on to see how much I weigh- not one of those scales in the classic Elul picture which looks more like a seesaw. Now, a seesaw I could relate to. But what about a King? How can I make the theme of Rosh Hashana, which is the idea of “Hashem Melech,” that Hashem is King and rules over my life, something that I understand not only in theory, but practically?
Since I have been in the working world, the thing that pops most into my mind is a CEO of a company or a President of a company. They have many employees and the job of every employee is to work for the CEO. At the end of the day, even if he or she is not your boss directly, he or she is your boss’s boss’s boss’s boss, and the bottom line is that you report to them. I’d like to share one of my experiences with you.
In one place that I worked, we had evaluations. This is a great Mashal for Rosh Hashana. It was not with the CEO, it was with your supervisor, but the CEO reviewed all of the forms. I was given a piece of paper with a bunch of different categories and I had to rate myself on a scale of 1 to 5 on how well I thought I was doing in each area. Then I had a meeting with my boss, who went over each of the criteria and gave me a rating in each area. I was quite nervous for that meeting! I mean, what if my supervisor was about to tell me that I was doing an awful job? Taking criticism is not easy.
Luckily, overall, my meeting went very well. For most of the categories, my boss and I were on the same page in terms of how well we thought I was doing. Then there were the categories where my supervisor thought I rated myself too low, and that I was actually doing much better than that. I figured it was safe to stay on the modest side instead of saying, “I think I’m great at everything!” But then there were the few items on the list where I thought I was doing well and my supervisor gently informed me that in fact I needed to improve a little bit. That is never easy to hear, but I gulped, nodded, and accepted what was said, knowing it was right (in the case where I disagreed I did speak up to defend myself.)
The interesting thing about employee evaluations is that looking around at other employees there was one factor that stood out to me as to which employees were better at what they were doing, and that factor is: How dedicated, committed, and passionate are they about the mission of the company? Everyone has a different job to do, and those who are there just to do their job and don’t care about where the company is going as a whole aren’t as good at what they do as those who are mission driven.
The same is true for us on Rosh Hashana. The reason Rosh Hashana is so critical is because we take a chance to say: Who are we working for? What is the point of everything that we do? Sure, we can go about the motions of doing Mitzvot, but if we don’t have this sense of WHY we are doing what we are doing, then it is so easy to slack off. Rosh Hashana is our wake up call to remind us that our mission in this world is to serve G-d.
Wishing you all a meaningful Rosh Hashana, a Shana Tova, and a Ketiva V’Chatima Tova! May we all be written in the book of life, and may this year be one of health and happiness for all, one in which all of our prayers be answered for the good.
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Showing posts with label Belief in G-d. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Belief in G-d. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Why I love Parshat B'Shalach
All parshiot are great, though perhaps some are difficult to relate to, but every year Parshat B’Shalach really gets to me. An inspirational story with a practical lesson as well. Talk about drama and the suspense. Hashem finally took out B’nei Yisrael from Mitzrayim, they are free to go, only they find themselves facing the biggest challenge yet. I mean, don’t we find that is true in life as well? Just when think we finally got through a tough situation/time and we finally made it out, we find ourselves bombarded with the next challenge, which just seems even more impossible.
We are all so used to the story of Kriat Yam Suf, but can you just imagine what it must have felt like to be there? They are completely and utterly trapped. There is a large body of water in front of them and the Egyptians are chasing them. There is absolutely no where for them to go. For us we’re like, “Well, if you can’t go around it, go through it- go through the water. Just ask Hashem to create a path of dry land for you.” They did not have boats and it must have seemed like there was no way out. Scary thought: Wait a minute. We thought the best thing that could happen to us is to be free from slavery. Now we’re free. What if the freedom that we’ve longed for is actually worse?
New situations can be scary. Sometimes we’re afraid to leave bad situations because knowledge and familiarity is comforting, and jumping into a situation where you don’t know what’s flying can be terrifying, even if you know intellectually that it is better. There is always that fear that perhaps even though it is supposed to be better, it won’t be. So B’nei Yisrael panic for a second. Moshe urges them to hang in there and wait and see the amazing way Hashem is going to save them.
And then, just as they think it is over, that there is nowhere to turn, the naturally impossible happens. Hashem performs a miracle and they walk on dry land through the water. Though Hashem doesn’t perform miracles that defy nature today, we can still learn the lesson that even situations that seem impossible to overcome have a solution. We can always hope and always turn to Hashem.
Another reason I love this week’s parsha is because of the amazing faith of the Jewish people, particularly the Jewish women who prepared musical instruments for the time of redemption. When you’re in a bad situation, you are often stuck in a bad mindset that doesn’t allow you to think about a time when things will be better. Thinking that, “Things will get better, and to prove it, I better get ready for it,” is a great lesson as well.
This reminds me of one of my favorite stories, the origin of which I unfortunately I do not know. The story is told of a town that was suffering a lack of rainfall and the drought was so serious that it was threatening their survival. The community gathered together and prayed, they fasted, and prayed some more. Nothing seemed to be working. Finally, someone from the town approached the Rabbi and begged him to do something. The Rabbi thought for a while and told the entire community to gather together in the field to pray together for rain. Every single person, all men, women, children, gathered together outside at the appointed time. When the Rabbi shows up he looked out at the entire community and asked, “Do you believe that it is going to rain?” “Yes!” they shouted in unison. But the Rabbi asked again, “Do you really, truly, believe that it is going to rain?” Again, they all replied that they did. The Rabbi then asked a simple question, “So, nu, where are all of your umbrellas?!”
Parshat B’Shalach teaches us that Hashem can save us at any moment, no matter how desperate a situation may seem. If we really have faith that Hashem will save us, then we have to show that we are ready for it.
Have a good shabbos!
We are all so used to the story of Kriat Yam Suf, but can you just imagine what it must have felt like to be there? They are completely and utterly trapped. There is a large body of water in front of them and the Egyptians are chasing them. There is absolutely no where for them to go. For us we’re like, “Well, if you can’t go around it, go through it- go through the water. Just ask Hashem to create a path of dry land for you.” They did not have boats and it must have seemed like there was no way out. Scary thought: Wait a minute. We thought the best thing that could happen to us is to be free from slavery. Now we’re free. What if the freedom that we’ve longed for is actually worse?
New situations can be scary. Sometimes we’re afraid to leave bad situations because knowledge and familiarity is comforting, and jumping into a situation where you don’t know what’s flying can be terrifying, even if you know intellectually that it is better. There is always that fear that perhaps even though it is supposed to be better, it won’t be. So B’nei Yisrael panic for a second. Moshe urges them to hang in there and wait and see the amazing way Hashem is going to save them.
And then, just as they think it is over, that there is nowhere to turn, the naturally impossible happens. Hashem performs a miracle and they walk on dry land through the water. Though Hashem doesn’t perform miracles that defy nature today, we can still learn the lesson that even situations that seem impossible to overcome have a solution. We can always hope and always turn to Hashem.
Another reason I love this week’s parsha is because of the amazing faith of the Jewish people, particularly the Jewish women who prepared musical instruments for the time of redemption. When you’re in a bad situation, you are often stuck in a bad mindset that doesn’t allow you to think about a time when things will be better. Thinking that, “Things will get better, and to prove it, I better get ready for it,” is a great lesson as well.
This reminds me of one of my favorite stories, the origin of which I unfortunately I do not know. The story is told of a town that was suffering a lack of rainfall and the drought was so serious that it was threatening their survival. The community gathered together and prayed, they fasted, and prayed some more. Nothing seemed to be working. Finally, someone from the town approached the Rabbi and begged him to do something. The Rabbi thought for a while and told the entire community to gather together in the field to pray together for rain. Every single person, all men, women, children, gathered together outside at the appointed time. When the Rabbi shows up he looked out at the entire community and asked, “Do you believe that it is going to rain?” “Yes!” they shouted in unison. But the Rabbi asked again, “Do you really, truly, believe that it is going to rain?” Again, they all replied that they did. The Rabbi then asked a simple question, “So, nu, where are all of your umbrellas?!”
Parshat B’Shalach teaches us that Hashem can save us at any moment, no matter how desperate a situation may seem. If we really have faith that Hashem will save us, then we have to show that we are ready for it.
Have a good shabbos!
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Thoughts on Chanukah
As I sit here trying to write a post about Chanukah, a number of things come to mind: Menorah, candles, light, dreidels, Chanukah gelt, presents, latkes, miracles, Maccabees. If I had to sum up Chanukah in two words, though, it would not be any of those. However, before I get there, I am easily distracted by three videos, which you probably have already seen at least one of, since they have been widely circulated:
1. The Maccabeats' new video, “Candlelight,” a parody of the Mike Tompkins version of the song “Dynamite,” which has hit over 100,000 views in less than 5 days.
2. The Six13/ NCSY Chanukah Video.
3. Aish’s Charlie Harary video about Chanukah entitled, “Chanukah’s Secret to Greatness.”
Now that I got that out of the way, here are some of my thoughts this Chanukah:
• I find it interesting that both the Maccabeats and Six13/NCSY videos feature covers of secular songs, considering the entire point of Chanukah was to fight the slow assimilation which began with the incorporation of Greek ideas and culture, which are against Torah values, into the Jewish world. This is a great demonstration of our ability to take what is secular and uplift it and make it religious. We are so lucky that we are not forced to assimilate, that today it is possible to be a part of secular society (to a certain extent anyway) while still holding strong and remaining true to Torah values.
• Thinking about sufganiot, I noticed how they are the opposite of regular donuts. Most donuts (Entenmanns, Dunkin Donuts etc.) are all about the outside circle, with a hole in the middle. Sufganiot, on the other hand, feature a filling inside the donut. Perhaps this is indicative of the secular focus on the external and on appearances, versus the Jewish approach of who a person is on the inside. Don’t judge a donut by its cover.
If I were to sum up my view of Chanukah in two words, it would be: Potential and Faith (or rather, since Hebrew has the more accurate connotation of what I’m trying to say, Koach and Emuna.) Both of those aspects are connected to the fact that the main symbol of Chanukah is the Menorah/candles/light. Rabbi Akiva Tatz (and others) writes that time is not linear, but rather circular, and that certain times of year contain different potentials. This explains the idea that Avraham kept Pesach, which seems impossible since Pesach is a holiday to commemorate the exodus from Egypt which had not yet occurred. (Speaking of whether the Avot kept Torah, and speaking of videos that are being widely circulated, if you haven’t seen this one, check it out.) Springtime, the time of Nissan, has potential for redemption and freedom. Which is why I don’t believe it is coincidence that the State of Israel was established in 1948 around Pesach time. This theory also explains why the two Batei Hamikdash were destroyed on the exact same day. The months of Tamuz and Av have often been bad times for the Jewish people- it is inherent in that time period.
So what is the potential for this time of year? It is a time of seeing light through darkness. Which is why I find it very interesting that Christmas lights are everywhere. This time of year is strongly tied to the idea of light. Now more than ever is a time to focus on hope amidst despair, of finding direction and clarity amidst confusion. Sometimes life is dark and you don’t know which way to go, or sometimes we forget. Sometimes life is dark and it seems like things will never be good again. All it takes is a small flame. We have the ability to light up the darkness. How? The Torah is compared to light and fire. Through Torah we can find our way. That is why to me, Chanukah means: Potential. The potential to hold on to hope, to light up the darkness.
And as I listen to Miami Boys’ Choir’s, “Light Up the Nights,” as I do each year around Chanukah time, I think about the candles, flames, and fire. Fire is great because it provides both light and warmth, two things that are lacking in the winter months. Fire is another symbol of “potential,” as it has the potential to be positive- to be used for heat, warmth, for light, and for cooking and baking food. Yet fire also has the potential to be destructive, to burn, to be used in a negative way. And since I can relate everything to shidduchim, I’ll note that it is interesting that the way to create fire is to rub two items together, for example the match and the matchbox. Fire is when two come together as one. This is evident in the names for man and woman- Ish and Isha. If you take out the “yud” from “Ish,” you get Aish, Fire, and if you take out the “Heh” from “Isha” then you get Aish, Fire. The Yud plus the Heh is Hashem’s name.
The second word that I use to describe Chanukah, faith/emunah, is also quite connected to the idea of light in the darkness. When things are dark and cold and dreary, it sometimes seems like things will never get better. Just imagine the Jewish people before the miracle of Chanukah. Things were bad, there were terrible decrees, Jews were being persecuted, and the holy Beit Hamikdash was defiled. Things must have seemed hopeless. But the Jews believed in Hashem, they had faith that He would save them, despite all odds, even though it seemed impossible. And Hashem made a miracle for them. Hashem lit up the darkness. Chanukah is all about how Hashem can always save us from any situation, and light up the darkness for us.
On this Chanukah, may we all be zoche to light up the darkness, to have clarity, to hold on to hope and not fall into despair, to develop and maintain deep, unshakable faith in HaKadosh Baruch Hu and to absorb all of the important messages that Chanukah has to teach us.
1. The Maccabeats' new video, “Candlelight,” a parody of the Mike Tompkins version of the song “Dynamite,” which has hit over 100,000 views in less than 5 days.
2. The Six13/ NCSY Chanukah Video.
3. Aish’s Charlie Harary video about Chanukah entitled, “Chanukah’s Secret to Greatness.”
Now that I got that out of the way, here are some of my thoughts this Chanukah:
• I find it interesting that both the Maccabeats and Six13/NCSY videos feature covers of secular songs, considering the entire point of Chanukah was to fight the slow assimilation which began with the incorporation of Greek ideas and culture, which are against Torah values, into the Jewish world. This is a great demonstration of our ability to take what is secular and uplift it and make it religious. We are so lucky that we are not forced to assimilate, that today it is possible to be a part of secular society (to a certain extent anyway) while still holding strong and remaining true to Torah values.
• Thinking about sufganiot, I noticed how they are the opposite of regular donuts. Most donuts (Entenmanns, Dunkin Donuts etc.) are all about the outside circle, with a hole in the middle. Sufganiot, on the other hand, feature a filling inside the donut. Perhaps this is indicative of the secular focus on the external and on appearances, versus the Jewish approach of who a person is on the inside. Don’t judge a donut by its cover.
If I were to sum up my view of Chanukah in two words, it would be: Potential and Faith (or rather, since Hebrew has the more accurate connotation of what I’m trying to say, Koach and Emuna.) Both of those aspects are connected to the fact that the main symbol of Chanukah is the Menorah/candles/light. Rabbi Akiva Tatz (and others) writes that time is not linear, but rather circular, and that certain times of year contain different potentials. This explains the idea that Avraham kept Pesach, which seems impossible since Pesach is a holiday to commemorate the exodus from Egypt which had not yet occurred. (Speaking of whether the Avot kept Torah, and speaking of videos that are being widely circulated, if you haven’t seen this one, check it out.) Springtime, the time of Nissan, has potential for redemption and freedom. Which is why I don’t believe it is coincidence that the State of Israel was established in 1948 around Pesach time. This theory also explains why the two Batei Hamikdash were destroyed on the exact same day. The months of Tamuz and Av have often been bad times for the Jewish people- it is inherent in that time period.
So what is the potential for this time of year? It is a time of seeing light through darkness. Which is why I find it very interesting that Christmas lights are everywhere. This time of year is strongly tied to the idea of light. Now more than ever is a time to focus on hope amidst despair, of finding direction and clarity amidst confusion. Sometimes life is dark and you don’t know which way to go, or sometimes we forget. Sometimes life is dark and it seems like things will never be good again. All it takes is a small flame. We have the ability to light up the darkness. How? The Torah is compared to light and fire. Through Torah we can find our way. That is why to me, Chanukah means: Potential. The potential to hold on to hope, to light up the darkness.
And as I listen to Miami Boys’ Choir’s, “Light Up the Nights,” as I do each year around Chanukah time, I think about the candles, flames, and fire. Fire is great because it provides both light and warmth, two things that are lacking in the winter months. Fire is another symbol of “potential,” as it has the potential to be positive- to be used for heat, warmth, for light, and for cooking and baking food. Yet fire also has the potential to be destructive, to burn, to be used in a negative way. And since I can relate everything to shidduchim, I’ll note that it is interesting that the way to create fire is to rub two items together, for example the match and the matchbox. Fire is when two come together as one. This is evident in the names for man and woman- Ish and Isha. If you take out the “yud” from “Ish,” you get Aish, Fire, and if you take out the “Heh” from “Isha” then you get Aish, Fire. The Yud plus the Heh is Hashem’s name.
The second word that I use to describe Chanukah, faith/emunah, is also quite connected to the idea of light in the darkness. When things are dark and cold and dreary, it sometimes seems like things will never get better. Just imagine the Jewish people before the miracle of Chanukah. Things were bad, there were terrible decrees, Jews were being persecuted, and the holy Beit Hamikdash was defiled. Things must have seemed hopeless. But the Jews believed in Hashem, they had faith that He would save them, despite all odds, even though it seemed impossible. And Hashem made a miracle for them. Hashem lit up the darkness. Chanukah is all about how Hashem can always save us from any situation, and light up the darkness for us.
On this Chanukah, may we all be zoche to light up the darkness, to have clarity, to hold on to hope and not fall into despair, to develop and maintain deep, unshakable faith in HaKadosh Baruch Hu and to absorb all of the important messages that Chanukah has to teach us.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Perspectives
Dear Jews of the World:
Just pick and choose which Mitzvot you would like to keep. Sure. Why not? Some Mitzvot are too hard for you? Toss them. No big deal. Do whatever you want to do, because it is all about you anyway, right? Or perhaps maybe, just maybe, it is about dedication to G-d? I mean, do you really believe in Hashem? Do you really believe in Torah? If you do believe, why aren’t you strong enough to keep everything? If you don’t believe, why pretend to when it comes to certain mitzvot? Why do you keep shabbos, but not tzinus? Why do you keep Taharat Hamishpacha, but cheat on your taxes? Why do you do chessed and work on tikkun olam, but don’t keep shabbos? Why do you keep Kosher, but speak Lashon Harah? Why are you so makpid with Limmud Torah, yet so lacking in Bein Adam L’Chavero? Why do you fast on Yom Kippur, yet do not keep anything else to the point where you eat chametz on Pesach? Why do you teach your kids Jewish values, yet engage in acts of sexual harrassment? How can you do some things, but not others? Serve Hashem, or don’t serve Hashem. Pick one. As Eliyahu said to the Jewish people when they worshipped both G-d and idols, in Malachim 1, Perek 18, Verse 21: “Until when are you hopping between two ideas? If the Lord is God, go after Him, and if the Baal, go after him.” Either serve Hashem completely, or don’t serve him at all.
* * * *
Just pick and choose which Mitzvot you would like to keep. Some Mitzvot are too hard for you? That is OK. Hashem values every single positive thing that you do. Every Mitzvah counts. So perhaps you have fallen once or twice and haven’t been able to keep everything? Maybe you messed up. Don’t give up completely! Don’t turn your back on everything just because one thing is too hard. Do what you can do. Judaism is not all or nothing. Just because you broke your diet and ate one cookie, doesn’t mean you should finish the box. Pick whatever mitzvot you can do and do those. Even if it is just avoiding gossip or using foul language. Even if all you do is light shabbos candles, even if after that you drive to shul. No act is too small to be appreciated by G-d. Hashem loves you more than anyone else in the world and all He wants is for you to do as much as you can to bring Him into your life. He loves every Mitzvah that you do, even if you don’t keep all of them. So perhaps you connect to some mitzvot, but not to others. Perhaps you’re trying, but you failed. Pick yourself up and choose what is within your ability to achieve. It may not be everything, but it is something. Serve Hashem as much you can.
* * * *
Food for thought: Which approach do you take?
Just pick and choose which Mitzvot you would like to keep. Sure. Why not? Some Mitzvot are too hard for you? Toss them. No big deal. Do whatever you want to do, because it is all about you anyway, right? Or perhaps maybe, just maybe, it is about dedication to G-d? I mean, do you really believe in Hashem? Do you really believe in Torah? If you do believe, why aren’t you strong enough to keep everything? If you don’t believe, why pretend to when it comes to certain mitzvot? Why do you keep shabbos, but not tzinus? Why do you keep Taharat Hamishpacha, but cheat on your taxes? Why do you do chessed and work on tikkun olam, but don’t keep shabbos? Why do you keep Kosher, but speak Lashon Harah? Why are you so makpid with Limmud Torah, yet so lacking in Bein Adam L’Chavero? Why do you fast on Yom Kippur, yet do not keep anything else to the point where you eat chametz on Pesach? Why do you teach your kids Jewish values, yet engage in acts of sexual harrassment? How can you do some things, but not others? Serve Hashem, or don’t serve Hashem. Pick one. As Eliyahu said to the Jewish people when they worshipped both G-d and idols, in Malachim 1, Perek 18, Verse 21: “Until when are you hopping between two ideas? If the Lord is God, go after Him, and if the Baal, go after him.” Either serve Hashem completely, or don’t serve him at all.
* * * *
Just pick and choose which Mitzvot you would like to keep. Some Mitzvot are too hard for you? That is OK. Hashem values every single positive thing that you do. Every Mitzvah counts. So perhaps you have fallen once or twice and haven’t been able to keep everything? Maybe you messed up. Don’t give up completely! Don’t turn your back on everything just because one thing is too hard. Do what you can do. Judaism is not all or nothing. Just because you broke your diet and ate one cookie, doesn’t mean you should finish the box. Pick whatever mitzvot you can do and do those. Even if it is just avoiding gossip or using foul language. Even if all you do is light shabbos candles, even if after that you drive to shul. No act is too small to be appreciated by G-d. Hashem loves you more than anyone else in the world and all He wants is for you to do as much as you can to bring Him into your life. He loves every Mitzvah that you do, even if you don’t keep all of them. So perhaps you connect to some mitzvot, but not to others. Perhaps you’re trying, but you failed. Pick yourself up and choose what is within your ability to achieve. It may not be everything, but it is something. Serve Hashem as much you can.
* * * *
Food for thought: Which approach do you take?
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Seesaw
I glance down at my watch and begin to head out the door. Within seconds I feel the cool breeze and smell the fresh air, as I join the many commuters headed back to where they came from, via various means of transportation. For some reason it’s when I’m headed back home at the end of the day that sometimes this sad feeling sinks in of “I kind of wish I had someone special to be heading back home to.” Not that I don’t like where I’m living right now, but it’s not the same as being married and going home to your spouse. Or so I imagine, though perhaps I’m just dreaming.
The truth is that every day is different. Some days I find myself thinking, “Ok, if I didn’t get married for another couple of years, then that is perfectly fine, what is my rush?” while other days just the thought of being single for another few months is painful enough.
I’m not sure which one is harder or hurts more: Hoping every day that this will be day that I find the right person and being disappointed day after day, or giving up and saying that maybe I should just not expect to ever get married because it’s hard to keep holding on. I can’t hold on anymore, but I can’t let go. Neither one works for me, but I have to do one or the other.
So I do both and neither, seesawing back and forth. I despair and announce that I’ve had enough, I can’t take it anymore, and try to move on with my life, focus on the great things that I do have in my life, and go on pretending that life will be perfectly fine if I never get married. Why bother dreaming that I’ll get married soon, when it might take years and years? Other times, however, I encourage myself, strengthen my attitude, and remain persistent with my optimism, declaring each day that at any second I could meet the right person, or at least receive a phone call that leads to meeting the right person. This is something that I want and I cannot simply let go of that desire.
At the end of the day, like with everything in life, what works best is to find a balance. On the one hand it is crucial to hold strong and have faith, to know that one day it will happen and that is all that matters. Don’t give up hoping, dreaming, and searching. Yet at the same time it is important to accept life for what it is, to learn to deal with the fact that I don’t know when I will find the right person, and it might be a while, but that is OK because Hashem made my life exactly the way it is for a specific reason. Like most things, however, it is much easier said than done.
The truth is that every day is different. Some days I find myself thinking, “Ok, if I didn’t get married for another couple of years, then that is perfectly fine, what is my rush?” while other days just the thought of being single for another few months is painful enough.
I’m not sure which one is harder or hurts more: Hoping every day that this will be day that I find the right person and being disappointed day after day, or giving up and saying that maybe I should just not expect to ever get married because it’s hard to keep holding on. I can’t hold on anymore, but I can’t let go. Neither one works for me, but I have to do one or the other.
So I do both and neither, seesawing back and forth. I despair and announce that I’ve had enough, I can’t take it anymore, and try to move on with my life, focus on the great things that I do have in my life, and go on pretending that life will be perfectly fine if I never get married. Why bother dreaming that I’ll get married soon, when it might take years and years? Other times, however, I encourage myself, strengthen my attitude, and remain persistent with my optimism, declaring each day that at any second I could meet the right person, or at least receive a phone call that leads to meeting the right person. This is something that I want and I cannot simply let go of that desire.
At the end of the day, like with everything in life, what works best is to find a balance. On the one hand it is crucial to hold strong and have faith, to know that one day it will happen and that is all that matters. Don’t give up hoping, dreaming, and searching. Yet at the same time it is important to accept life for what it is, to learn to deal with the fact that I don’t know when I will find the right person, and it might be a while, but that is OK because Hashem made my life exactly the way it is for a specific reason. Like most things, however, it is much easier said than done.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
A Tefillah
Dear Hashem,
I know that I’ve been having a difficult time davening to you lately. Trying to have proper kavana while saying the same Hebrew words every day is often challenging, but this time my struggle is more philosophical. As you know, I’ve been asking you to help me find a spouse, my bashert, someone to spend the rest of my life with. Yet as I make this request, I can’t help but thinking of all of the people who are older than me who have been dating for so much longer than I have. They have been pouring out their hearts to you and davening to you for much longer than I have. Their prayers are greater than mine, both in quantity and quality; they are intense and numerous.
Why haven’t you answered their Tefillot and given them what they have asked for time and time again, day after day, for years? So why should I expect you to answer me? Or more like how can I have the audacity to approach you and make the same request as them and expect you to answer me, but not them? I’m not special, I don’t deserve special treatment. Why should you to answer me, but not them? What have I done to make me better or to make my Tefillot better? Nothing! Even if I dug deep to pull my deepest emotions and cried and poured out my soul, it will never match years of tears and Tefillot. So why should I ask for this if I don’t think it’s fair for you to answer me first?
Yes, I can daven for them, and I do that. On the one hand I hope that you answer their Tefillot first, yet on the other hand I do not want to wait around for each and every older (or not so much older) single to get married before I find the right person to marry. And in terms of the effectiveness of my Tefillot, yes, every person is different, so maybe something is right for me and not them, and I should do my part and daven and let you decide what is right for each person. But I can’t help thinking- how could you answer me and not them? So how can I ask you to help me find a husband?
Yet on the other hand, how can I not turn to you, Hashem, the source of all blessing in this world, who is all-powerful? How can I not turn to you for something that I want so badly and long for so much? Hashem, I always learned that I should share everything that is in my heart with you. That I should ask you for everything, no matter how small. Two ways of building a relationship with someone are communication and opening up to them, and these are both goals of Tefillah. So I will continue to struggle, even though I don't understand why you haven't answered them, and I don't know why you should answer me over them. I will continue to daven to you, and ask you for one of the things that I want the most in life.
Thank you for listening, even when the answer is “not yet.”
SternGrad
I know that I’ve been having a difficult time davening to you lately. Trying to have proper kavana while saying the same Hebrew words every day is often challenging, but this time my struggle is more philosophical. As you know, I’ve been asking you to help me find a spouse, my bashert, someone to spend the rest of my life with. Yet as I make this request, I can’t help but thinking of all of the people who are older than me who have been dating for so much longer than I have. They have been pouring out their hearts to you and davening to you for much longer than I have. Their prayers are greater than mine, both in quantity and quality; they are intense and numerous.
Why haven’t you answered their Tefillot and given them what they have asked for time and time again, day after day, for years? So why should I expect you to answer me? Or more like how can I have the audacity to approach you and make the same request as them and expect you to answer me, but not them? I’m not special, I don’t deserve special treatment. Why should you to answer me, but not them? What have I done to make me better or to make my Tefillot better? Nothing! Even if I dug deep to pull my deepest emotions and cried and poured out my soul, it will never match years of tears and Tefillot. So why should I ask for this if I don’t think it’s fair for you to answer me first?
Yes, I can daven for them, and I do that. On the one hand I hope that you answer their Tefillot first, yet on the other hand I do not want to wait around for each and every older (or not so much older) single to get married before I find the right person to marry. And in terms of the effectiveness of my Tefillot, yes, every person is different, so maybe something is right for me and not them, and I should do my part and daven and let you decide what is right for each person. But I can’t help thinking- how could you answer me and not them? So how can I ask you to help me find a husband?
Yet on the other hand, how can I not turn to you, Hashem, the source of all blessing in this world, who is all-powerful? How can I not turn to you for something that I want so badly and long for so much? Hashem, I always learned that I should share everything that is in my heart with you. That I should ask you for everything, no matter how small. Two ways of building a relationship with someone are communication and opening up to them, and these are both goals of Tefillah. So I will continue to struggle, even though I don't understand why you haven't answered them, and I don't know why you should answer me over them. I will continue to daven to you, and ask you for one of the things that I want the most in life.
Thank you for listening, even when the answer is “not yet.”
SternGrad
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Answers: An apple, an orange and a cookie
Imagine a child asking his mother, "Can I please have an apple, an orange and a cookie?" The mother responds, "Sure! Here is an apple and an orange." The mother's omission of giving the child a cookie is glaringly obvious. There must be some reason why the mother didn't give the child a cookie. Contrast this with the mother saying, "No! I'm not giving you any of those!" or with the mother not responding at all. Clearly in the first scenario she heard the child asking for the cookie, and clearly she wants to give to him as demonstrated by the fact that she gave him an apple and an orange. This begs the question, why didn't the mother give the child a cookie? Why just the other two? We can guess it's because she is saving the cookie as a reward for after the child ate the healthy food first. But the child doesn't know that. The child stares curiously, puzzled by the one request that was denied.
I confess that sometimes I struggle to maintain my faith in the power of my Tefillot. I pour out my heart to Hashem, and know that He's listening. But then why doesn't He answer me? Why does it feel like my requests fall on deaf ears? Doesn't Hashem want to give to me as a parent wants to give a child? I know all the answers in the book. I've read so many books and articles and heard shiurim on Tefillah. "He did answer, He just said no." Well, why is He saying no? Because it's not best, and Hashem only does what's best. Well, if that's the case, then why do we ever daven at all? If you daven to Hashem, then you must believe that your Tefillot cause some sort of change that causes Hashem to "change His mind" so to speak. I believe Hashem set up the world in a way that He wants us to daven before He gives us something because He wants us to build a relationship with Him. That's just one among the many other reasons that our Tefillot have the power to be effective.
Recently I was lucky enough to hear Hashem answer me. In a certain difficult situation everything fell into place in a perfect way. So perfect that it was scary and amazing. Many pieces of craziness came together and it all worked out. I went from feeling panicked to feeling thrilled. One solution pieced together many problems. Hashem's involvement in my life was so obvious that it was though I had been hit on the head by a baseball bat.
Yet some of my Tefillot remain unanswered. And it feels like Hashem saying, "I hear you. I hear your prayers, I hear everything you are saying. And I want to give it to you. There is a reason I'm not giving you this!! A very, very good reason!!" Like the child who asks for an apple, an orange and a cookie and doesn't receive the cookie, I believe Hashem is saving the cookie for a better time. And while it's frustrating because I really do want the cookie, it's comforting to know that Hashem loves me and it's comforting to be the recipient of Hashem's gifts in other areas.
I confess that sometimes I struggle to maintain my faith in the power of my Tefillot. I pour out my heart to Hashem, and know that He's listening. But then why doesn't He answer me? Why does it feel like my requests fall on deaf ears? Doesn't Hashem want to give to me as a parent wants to give a child? I know all the answers in the book. I've read so many books and articles and heard shiurim on Tefillah. "He did answer, He just said no." Well, why is He saying no? Because it's not best, and Hashem only does what's best. Well, if that's the case, then why do we ever daven at all? If you daven to Hashem, then you must believe that your Tefillot cause some sort of change that causes Hashem to "change His mind" so to speak. I believe Hashem set up the world in a way that He wants us to daven before He gives us something because He wants us to build a relationship with Him. That's just one among the many other reasons that our Tefillot have the power to be effective.
Recently I was lucky enough to hear Hashem answer me. In a certain difficult situation everything fell into place in a perfect way. So perfect that it was scary and amazing. Many pieces of craziness came together and it all worked out. I went from feeling panicked to feeling thrilled. One solution pieced together many problems. Hashem's involvement in my life was so obvious that it was though I had been hit on the head by a baseball bat.
Yet some of my Tefillot remain unanswered. And it feels like Hashem saying, "I hear you. I hear your prayers, I hear everything you are saying. And I want to give it to you. There is a reason I'm not giving you this!! A very, very good reason!!" Like the child who asks for an apple, an orange and a cookie and doesn't receive the cookie, I believe Hashem is saving the cookie for a better time. And while it's frustrating because I really do want the cookie, it's comforting to know that Hashem loves me and it's comforting to be the recipient of Hashem's gifts in other areas.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Things I wish I knew before I started dating
Here are 3 rules of Shidduch Dating Survival that I wish I knew before I started dating. By “survival” I don’t mean that I’ve survived and I'm done dating, I mean that I feel like I'm surviving every day by still dating and haven’t given up hope and become completely depressed because of how difficult it can be at times. Perhaps the word "survive" is a bit extreme, but I couldn't think of a better one that meant exactly what I'm trying to convey, and that was as close as it gets.
Just to clarify, these are not three rules about HOW to date, but they are things that I use to deal with this difficult time without falling into sad/upset/frustrated moods all the time. Most people feel sad/upset/frustrated at some point while on their quest to find their life partner, but there are ways to limit that.
These rules are based on my experience and many of my friends’ experiences as well. These rules, at least the first one, apply to girls more than guys, I think, though I could be wrong and I’d be curious if there are guys out there who feel the first rule is helpful to them in any way. I'd also be curious to see a version of this that was applicable to guys, since guys and girls struggles with dating are somewhat different.
Here goes:
1. Rule #1 of Shidduch Dating Survival: Don’t get your hopes up. This may sound extremely pessimistic and depressing, but in fact it is quite practical, just let me explain. Girls (in general, of course there are tons of exceptions, some who I know personally) are often quick to get their hopes up and jump to “Maybe he’s my Bashert!” This can happen before we’ve even met the guy and have only heard about him, or even after a first phone conversation that went well. We are quick to find reasons why this guy is the one, for example, a cute story of how we met (or how we met the shadchan, who we would never have met except for…*insert long complicated hashgacha pratit story here*), or he likes some obscure thing that we like as well, such as a music group that few people have heard of, or a writer or artist.
An exaggerated version of this demonstrated on the YU boys will be Stern girls video (an absolutely hilarious video based on this original video) where one of the guys (based on the premise of the video, which is that the guys are behaving like girls) explains that he knows he found The One because he was at an event and he dropped something and the girl said “Thank you.” He gushes, “You know when someone says ‘thank you’ and you just know that they’re you’re bashert?” This is obviously exaggerated for humor purposes, and in my opinion is successful at that goal, but the point is well made. We often find ridiculous excuses to decide that someone is meant for us, when those things mean absolutely nothing.
Back to the rule, “Don’t get your hopes up,” the point is not that you should never get to a point where you are thinking “oh, maybe this is the one!” but that point where you allow yourself to think that thought should be after you get to know the person and not after one date (or before one date).
This rule is practical, not depressing, because if you don’t follow this rule, then you end up crushed. Every time you go on a date you hope it’s the one, and when it’s not, then it becomes very hard to deal with. Obviously if there is no chance that this person is right for you, then you should not be going on a date with them. But if the person is shayach at all, then you are bound to come away with some cute stories at some point, and while you might be thinking, “this would be a great story to tell if we got married!” the fact is that I’ve learned it can still be a cute stories, even if you don’t get married. We often get so caught up in focusing on the negative aspects of dating and we like to tell horror dating stories because everyone wants to hear those, like the ones people post on this site, but sometimes there are good stories and good moments and shared interests and that doesn’t mean you’re going to spend the rest of your life with that person.
So, don’t get your hopes up too soon, otherwise you will end up sad/upset/frustrated.
2. Don’t take rejection personally. This one is self explanatory. People are going to reject you, sometimes based on absolutely nothing, and sometimes you will have no idea why. Don’t start being hard on yourself and think that it’s because you are a bad person or undesirable. Remember that you’re awesome, because you are. If Hashem decided to create you, then He has a reason for that. Hashem doesn’t create people who don’t have the potential to be great and change the world. Don’t let rejection make you forget this and think that there is something wrong with you. We all need to work on ourselves and change, but unless you are evil and need to do teshuva, there is probably nothing major wrong with you, everyone experiences rejection.
3. Remember that Hashem is the one and only shadchan. This is a tough one and the one that I wish the most that I had known before I started dating. We tend to think that shidduchim come from shadchanim, people or even websites, and that if we were set up on a date it is because someone decided to set us up. “So-and-so set me up,” we claim. The truth is that shadchanim, family friends who set us up, etc. are only means that Hashem uses to set us up. Ultimately, Hashem is the one who decides who we will go out with and who we will not go out with, when the right time is for us to meet our bashert, and when it is not the right time. No one ever taught me this directly and said it straight out that way and emphasized it.
What are some practical applications? Let’s say someone suggests you go on a date with someone and you agree, but they decline. If you believe that the reason you did not go on a date with that person is that they said no, then you will focus on the reason they said no. You’ll try to change your profile/shidduch resume/ whatever form of information you give out. You’ll take new pictures determined that the picture you have isn’t flattering enough, and you’ll blame factors external to yourself as reasons why you’re not married yet. If only I had better yichus, if only I lost weight, if only my parents were different, if only I had gone to better schools, etc. That is completely the wrong reaction.
You will never know exactly why you’re not married yet, but you should always know that if you are not married and you want to be, then it is because Hashem decided it should be that way. Hashem wants us all to get married, of course, but for some reason, which you will probably never know, it is not the right time. I wish someone had told me that before I had started dating, so that I could have started earlier on reaching the level where I believe and trust an important idea: If Hashem doesn’t want you to be married right now, if Hashem has decided that now is not the time, or that you’re not ready, then there is nothing you can do, from an external standpoint, to change that (granted that you have put in enough effort).
The only thing you can do is daven, and change yourself, work on your middot. Going to more shadchanim will not help, talking to more people will not help, taking 100 pictures of yourself will not help.
Of course you have to put in hishtadlus. You can’t sit back and say “If it’s the right time for me to get married, then I will meet the person, so I don’t need to try or put in any effort.” If you expect your bashert to appear out of thin air, then that is not bitachon/emunah, that is foolishness. How much effort should you put in? I once learned that you need to put in enough so that when you find the right person you won’t consider it a miracle, because Hashem tries to hide in the world. I’m oversimplifying the shiur that I heard, but for example if you apply to 2 jobs and you get a job, you will be shocked. The number after that depends on you. If you think that applying to 10 jobs is reasonable amount to apply in order to get a job, then apply to 10, if you think 100 is normal, then apply to 100. But once you’ve reached that point of, “I have put in a decent amount of effort,” then you have to “let go and let G-d,” as they say.
So if you barely put in effort into finding your bashert, to the extent that if you *did* find your bashert you would think, “Wow, what a miracle from Hashem,” then you haven’t put in enough. But if you put in an amount of effort that is considered a normal amount, then you should focus on davening to Hashem and having Bitachon in Him. Otherwise dating is upsetting and frustrating. Until you know that Hashem has it all planned out, you’ll worry and look to the wrong places to find reasons you’re not married. I wish I was on that level that I fully internalized this message. Although I believe it’s true, it’s often difficult for me to focus on it.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Stern College Poll
I recently noticed that the student newspaper of
The reason that this shocked me was that belief in G-d is the biggest foundations of our faith. It is the very first commandment of the Ten Commandments given to us at Har Sinai when we received the Torah- "I am Hashem." The majority of Stern students grew up religious/Torah observant and have attended Jewish schools their entire lives. It boggled my mind that so many people who are religious struggle with such a basic concept as whether G-d exists or not.
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