Judged

Judge me
Put me in a box
And don’t let me out of it
Stifled, stuck, unable to break free
If I say something or do something
That does not fit your perception of me
I am met with questions
Why are you doing that
Why are you saying that
Why are you wearing that
That is not how you have behaved in the past
Wow, so frum, so shtark today
Wow, what happened to you,
I thought you were more frum than that.
That is so not you
Do you know me better than I know myself?
Don’t you know that each day
Is a chance for me to be someone new?
I don’t have to be who I was yesterday
Don’t act so surprised that I don’t fit that box
Today is a new chance to act differently than I have in the past
Perhaps in the past I resisted temptation
And today I have given in
I no longer fit the box you have placed me in
Perhaps I usually give in to sin
But today I break free and hold strong
I no longer fit the box you have placed me in
You think you know me
So anything that does not fit that perception
Shocks you
Perhaps you should keep that thought to yourself
Instead of telling me to go back to that box where I belong
I don’t belong in a box.



_

Imperfections

One after another
Every minute
One hundred voices
Ask me why
I messed up.

I am not perfect
I make mistakes
And I am sorry
That you cannot
Forgive me for that.

Attacks
Insults
Harsh tones
Glares
Demanding
As though I’m dirt
Nothing
Nobody
Not worth being nice to.

I can’t fight
One hundred
Yelling
Voices.

But worst of all
Is that
I let these words
Get to me.

Setting off
An unbreakable chain
Of negative vibes.
Until
I despise the person who
I allow myself to become

Where is my humility?
Why do I allow one small prick
To poke such a large hole
In my ego.
I know
That I am better than that.
Even if no one else knows.

Stuck
Being that person who is not me
Stuck
Allowing
My negative mentality
To swallow me like
Invisible prison walls
Stuck
Unable to break free.
Walls Ceiling Floor Walls
Search for door, windows.

Can’t breathe
The air around me is stifling
Escape outside.
Cold air
Fresh air
Breathing, gasping, sighing.

Sky
Light
Sun
Space
Freedom.

Courage rises
Strength increases
Tension relaxes
Relief exploding
Guilt fades
Determination grows

Until the one hundred voices
Asking me why I messed up
Receive their answer
I am human and imperfect
But I will not stop striving
All of those voices
Are silent and disappear.


.

Poem: Moving on

This is a poem that I wrote a long time ago (over a year ago). It is actually not about shidduchim at all, (believe it or not) but with a number of shidduch bloggers recently announcing their engagement (Mazel Tov!! Baruch Hashem!), I read Bad4's post about "Not Catching the Wave" and it reminded me of how I was feeling at the time that I wrote this poem. Before I post this, I would like to say that I am so happy to hear of bloggers getting engaged! Sometimes I get jealous when I hear of people getting engaged, and that's natural, but usually it is a fleeting thought and then all I can think is "Baruch Hashem! Thank G-d that Hashem answered someone's Tefillot, thank G-d that everything is how it should be." They say that misery loves company, but I would much rather prefer that no one else is miserable! If something is difficult for me, then I will deal with it, but watching others go through the same difficulties just makes it worse. *Phew,* at least someone is engaged. So it wasn't me? Big deal! Better than none of us getting engaged. It will happen at the right time, and since Hashem runs the world, obviously now is not the right time, so it's a good thing I'm not engaged yet. Good thing Hashem's got it all covered.

Anyway, even though this poem is not at all about shidduchim, I am posting the poem because it is related a bit- it is about feeling left behind and the struggle to figure out how I fit in the world. Have you ever felt like the world is rushing rushing rushing and you are stuck like a statue watching it all happen around you helplessly? That's what this is about. There have been times, and I'm sure there will be times in the future, because that is life, when I have felt alone or left out. I used to think that some people never, ever feel that way because their life is perfect and they probably never felt this, but I have come to the conclusion that if those people who have never felt lonely or alone exist, they are very hard to find.

In any case, we can't help feeling the way we feel, so we might as well express it, and then post it on our blogs :) With that nice introduction, here is the poem:


Everyone’s moving, forward,
While I am here,
Everyone’s shining, brighter,
While I disappear,

The world is spinning, soaring,
While I am still,
The world has reached the top,
While I am stuck,
At the bottom of the hill.

Everyone’s talking, loudly,
While my voice is low,
Everyone’s confident, certain,
While I don’t know.

The world is going, coming,
While I am left behind,
The world is content at peace,
While I’m confused,
Cannot make up my mind.

Everyone’s trying, suceeding,
While I seem to fail,
Everyone’s leading, proudly,
While my ship won’t sail.

The world is laughing gladly,
While I start to cry,
The world receives its welcome,
While my door’s closed,
And access is denied.

Everyone’s busy, active,
While my accomplishments are few,
Everyone’s changing, transforming,
While I’m not someone new.

The world is ending, closing,
While I just sigh,
The world is driving away,
While I stand scared,
Afraid to say goodbye.