Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Dating Dilemmas

No matter what your shidduch dilemma is, there seems to be someone who can come up with a story to prove why it’s possible that you and your date will end up married. We have all heard these types of stories with happy endings. Here are some examples:

“I know a couple who went out and he/she was not attracted to her/him at all. The shadchan somehow convinced him/her to continue dating her/him, and now they are married.”

“I know a couple who went out and then broke up. Then later on he/she realized that they missed the other person and they got back together. Now they are married.”

“I know a couple who had a terrible first date. Their personalities did not go well at all and neither wanted to continue. There was a miscommunication with a shadchan and they ended up going out again. Now they are married.”

There are many more examples that you could probably think of. In all cases, the person telling you the story will assure you because this happened to someone, it could happen to you. These types of stories also make shadchanim feel that it is Ok to push you to continue dating. Because clearly you don’t really know what you really want or what you’re really looking for.

But the bottom line is that these are just examples, and the number of times that they happen is probably a similar number to the amount of times that they don’t. How many times does a terrible first date actually predict the fact that the relationship is going nowhere? And no one wants to be the victim of a “pity second date,” even if you try your best to hide it and are successful at doing so.

What’s my point? Don’t let anyone guilt you into doing something you don’t want to do. It’s important to have mentors and people to discuss dating with and get advice from, but those people should be experienced and have your best interest at heart. They should be the ones you listen to. Don’t let others pressure you- to say yes or no. Ask for advice when you need it, but for the most part, trust yourself. Know yourself and trust yourself. And don’t let people push you around with these stories.


  1. While my wife and I are one of those stories, after all she essentially told me to get lost after our first encounter, I actually think the amount of times they happen is similar to the amount of times people win the lottery. Sure if enough people gamble, someone is going to get lucky, but that is what it is, luck. The vast majority of the time, it is just a tax on people who are bad at math(well statistics really).

    Being someone who typically pushed for a second date no matter how horrible the first one was out of about 12 attempts(I would say 13, but that one didn't even make through the first before I threw money down on the table and said "have a nice evening on me") one worked... not great odds.

  2. The thing with telling people these "according-to-logic-this-couple-shouldn't-have-gotten-married" stories is that it can really get a single, ready-for-marriage individual to go through their database of dud dates and wonder, "hmm, maybe I should look into So-and-So again." My question is, is that such a bad thing? If two people went out and it didn't go well, is it appropriate to look into the shidduch again if one party would give it another shot? Maybe it's just me, but I feel like this only works if the guy is interested in a second round. It's easier to convince a girl to give go out again whereas with guys, if the answer is no, it's no. Am I wrong about that?

  3. mekubal- why were your first dates so bad?

    coral- I agree with you. From my experience it seems like it's usually the guys who are less open to a second date. It's not a bad to give people a second chance- in fact I think it's a good idea. Using these "one in a million" stories just makes singles doubt themselves and do things because there is a .0001 percent chance it could work out. That road just leads to disappointment.

  4. Agreed. There always seems to be an exception to every rule.
    But I hate when people try to convince me and coax me into doing what I don't want to do. Especially because I feel guilty easily.


Thanks for commenting! Comments are welcome, especially on old posts. Please do not use inappropriate language. Thanks!