Saturday, August 14, 2010

A Tefillah

Dear Hashem,

I know that I’ve been having a difficult time davening to you lately. Trying to have proper kavana while saying the same Hebrew words every day is often challenging, but this time my struggle is more philosophical. As you know, I’ve been asking you to help me find a spouse, my bashert, someone to spend the rest of my life with. Yet as I make this request, I can’t help but thinking of all of the people who are older than me who have been dating for so much longer than I have. They have been pouring out their hearts to you and davening to you for much longer than I have. Their prayers are greater than mine, both in quantity and quality; they are intense and numerous.

Why haven’t you answered their Tefillot and given them what they have asked for time and time again, day after day, for years? So why should I expect you to answer me? Or more like how can I have the audacity to approach you and make the same request as them and expect you to answer me, but not them? I’m not special, I don’t deserve special treatment. Why should you to answer me, but not them? What have I done to make me better or to make my Tefillot better? Nothing! Even if I dug deep to pull my deepest emotions and cried and poured out my soul, it will never match years of tears and Tefillot. So why should I ask for this if I don’t think it’s fair for you to answer me first?

Yes, I can daven for them, and I do that. On the one hand I hope that you answer their Tefillot first, yet on the other hand I do not want to wait around for each and every older (or not so much older) single to get married before I find the right person to marry. And in terms of the effectiveness of my Tefillot, yes, every person is different, so maybe something is right for me and not them, and I should do my part and daven and let you decide what is right for each person. But I can’t help thinking- how could you answer me and not them? So how can I ask you to help me find a husband?

Yet on the other hand, how can I not turn to you, Hashem, the source of all blessing in this world, who is all-powerful? How can I not turn to you for something that I want so badly and long for so much? Hashem, I always learned that I should share everything that is in my heart with you. That I should ask you for everything, no matter how small. Two ways of building a relationship with someone are communication and opening up to them, and these are both goals of Tefillah. So I will continue to struggle, even though I don't understand why you haven't answered them, and I don't know why you should answer me over them. I will continue to daven to you, and ask you for one of the things that I want the most in life.

Thank you for listening, even when the answer is “not yet.”
SternGrad

9 comments:

  1. wow! beautiful! tefilla is always hard- and especially when you think about your matzav in comparison to older friends and singles who you wish could get married already, and you feel their pain and you know how hard it is for them when yet another little kid straight out of sem gets engaged and they are still single and alone fighting in the shidduch scene..its a tough world

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  2. This is so sweet and so beautiful, SternGrad!

    You have a right to daven for yourself, just as you have a right to go before other older singles. Everyone's situation is tailor-made for them and your getting engaged will not take away from anyone else! Why should you stick around in misery when G-d has enough goodness to give to everybody?

    But don't stop praying for them too...

    May He answer your prayers very soon with a resounding YES.

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  3. aminspiration- thanks. and yes it is a tough world!

    S in R- thank you. You make two very good points- that I have a right to daven for myself and that Hashem has enough goodness to give to everyone. It just seems like my tefillot are worthless in comparison to others, and if theirs weren't answered, kal v'chomer mine shouldn't be...

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  4. SternGrad, nobody's tefillos are worthless. Just because we don't see how their tefillos were answered, doesn't mean they aren't directed anywhere or listened to. Hashem hears every tefillah and answers it in the way that is best for that individual. You just keep storming the heavens for yourself...and for everyone else.

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  5. Great post. It's a struggle I have myself and couldn't have put it better.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Amazing tefillah with great questions. I wish I had the answers...
    someone should give a shiur about this!

    ReplyDelete
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