Beginning the dating process

A little while ago, Tikva4eva emailed me with a great question: “When do you think one should start dating? How can one assess if she is mature enough to start? What should be the criteria? When is too early?”

In addition to being a good question, it was also a well timed question. It was around this time of year (give or take a few weeks) three years ago that I started dating and went on my first date. It’s always around now that I start thinking about what things were like when I started dating- how I have changed, how my attitude has changed. I am definitely not going to pretend to be an expert on the topic of when the right time is to start dating. I will be happy to share some ideas that I have heard and my thoughts on the subject, and more importantly, throw the question to all of you out there to hear your thoughts on when a person should start dating.

When I first read Tikva4eva’s question, a number of typical answers flew into my mind of things that have been tossed around. The main one was, “When you’re ready to give.” That is very vague and kind of leaves me feeling, “Well, what does that mean? How do I know if I’m ready to give? I like to give and do chessed, but I also did when I was in high school and clearly I was not ready to get married then.” The second one was the answer I heard from a teacher in seminary who said that she knew she was ready to get married when she felt that there was something missing in her life. While this is true in the sense that it ties into the previous answer- there is a missing relationship and you want to be giving to someone- it is not good to approach this situation from the angle of “marriage will fill in what I am lacking.” The answer of “to give” is so typical and cliché, but if you take a closer look at what that really means, it is right on target. Marriage is about giving to another person, so it makes sense. How do you get there?

I would like to suggest two steps to figuring out if you’re ready to start dating for marriage. Step #1 look at yourself, and step #2, look at your life.

Step #1- look at yourself
Marriage is the ultimate, deepest relationship. All relationships begin with your relationship with yourself. Who are you? What are your likes and dislikes? What are your strengths and weaknesses? What are your positive traits and your faults? What are your goals? What do you strive for? Before you get married you need to figure out who you are and how you feel about yourself. This is true for all relationships, but for marriage especially. If someone doesn’t like who they are or is not OK with themselves, then it affects all of their relationships. You can’t give to someone else if you can’t even take care of yourself. Your cup must be full before it can overflow into others. When you take a deep look at yourself, look at your role in your relationships with others. Which people in your life do you get along with effortlessly, and which relationships require more work?

For this step, don’t feel shy talking to others in your life. Parents and siblings or roommates/those who you live with can often be particularly insightful when it comes to figuring out your strengths and weaknesses. One additional point that is important to mention is that you don’t need to be perfect to start dating. Knowing your faults does not mean that you need to fix all of them before you begin dating. You just need to evaluate that you are in a place where you are comfortable enough with yourself. This is not an objective evaluation, but rather it is something that each person needs to decide for themselves.

Step #2- look at your life.
I have never heard teachers or speakers mention this step, but it is important. What is your occupation and financial situation? To illustrate obviously- if you are a high school student, you are not ready to get married. If you are in college and have no income and your parents are not going to support you if you get married, then maybe either you need a plan or you should wait to start dating. If your parents will support you, make sure you know exactly what that means and how it is going to work. If you are in a job or school where you are busy for most hours of the day, then consider the fact that dating takes up time and it needs to fit into your schedule. Make sure you are at the right stage of life and ready for dating and marriage.

I started thinking about dating, around the time that I think most people do, when I came back from seminary in Israel. I knew I was not ready to get married at that point, from either of those steps, but I started thinking about it. Around three/three and half years ago I began to think about it more seriously, and I decided to do sit down and talk to my parents about it. I am very, very close with my parents and I consider them my mentors in all areas, be it emotional or spiritual. Since I seek their advice before most major decisions, it was natural for me to turn to them about this. For most people I think this is not the case, but sitting down with a teacher or friend or sibling or someone who can be a good bouncing board is a good idea. Anyway, after that conversation, I realized I was ready to start dating.

At the time, in the back of my mind, I had this picture that the way life goes, you’re born, you go to pre-school, then elementary school, then high school, then college, then you get married. Marriage was just the next step after college and I just figured I would magically meet the right person by the time college was over. Needless to say, that did not happen. I still have that template molded in the back of my mind, even though I know it is ridiculous. In retrospect, although I thought I was ready to get married at the time, I was just trying to make my life go the way I thought it should go, and I am glad that life worked itself out so that I did not get married right after college. Living on my own has been an amazing learning experience in so many ways. So many things that I always thought, “I will do that when I am married” I am doing now- such as cooking dinner every night. Even though I still believe I was mature enough when I started dating, there is so much that I have learned since then, about the world and about myself, and about dating, and I value that learning experience greatly.

Starting to date was at first just weird. Having been in a single sex environment for most of my life, the first time a guy called me to arrange a date was so nerve-wracking. When I heard my phone ringing at the time the guy was supposed to call I was panicked. Luckily, when I picked up the phone, the guy sounded way more nervous than I was so that put me at ease and I quickly became comfortable, especially once conversation started flowing. However, feeling calm didn’t change the fact that the entire time it was as though a loud voice was shouting frantically in the back of my mind, “I am on the phone with a guy! I am on the phone with a guy! Aaaahhhh!” Ok maybe I’m just weird, but what do you expect when I’ve spent my entire high school and seminary being told not to talk to guys? I was the most nervous in the time between when he called to say he arrived (I was in the Stern dorm at the time) and when I actually met him. Once I was on the date, I was fortunate enough to have a positive first date experience that was not awkward or filled with silences. Since that very first first date, I tend not to get too nervous, which I hear is rare, but I still find it oddly calming when guys are nervous.

To end off- advice for those who are about to start dating for marriage? Don’t rush into it. Take your time. Get to know yourself, think it through, talk to mentors to help you make sure you’re ready. Don’t let social pressure get to you. If you’re not sure if you’re ready, my experience is that you fall into two categories. The first describes most people, which is that you are really not ready, which is why you’re not sure. Don’t start if you’re not sure. The second category is those who are ready to start dating, but they are just scared. They are scared for any number of reasons- fear of rejection, fear of the unknown. In that case you just have to jump in.

That’s pretty much all I have to say on the topic, so I throw the question out to you: How does one know if they are ready to start dating? How did you decide? What factors played into your decision to start dating?


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In Defense: Post 101 revisited

I have felt the need to write this post for almost a month now, but I just did not know what to say. I had so many thoughts, so much to say, yet at the same time nothing at all. I suppose I should start from the beginning.

It all began around March 1, when I glanced at my blog Stats and noticed something strange. That day an unusually large number of people were reading my post, 101 Reasons Why I Want to Get Married and the numbers continued to grow each day that week. There were tons of people reading it. I wondered why that was. When I tried to see where the traffic was coming from, it seemed that someone had posted it on Facebook. Lot's of readers? Yay! That is exciting, I thought. But in the back of my mind I was suspicious, because the few comments that the post received were not positive ones. Pretty soon I caught on to the fact that there was something going on. Finally, after some asking, an anonymous commenter enlightened me, "This blog has gone viral...kinda to show what's wrong with frummies... It's clear you have zero concept of marriage and are being forced into this situation by your community. The cultural implication of this posting are very far reaching. "

That pretty much sums it all up, but it didn't really stop there. For the most part it seems a lot was said on Facebook about my post, and I cannot track that down, but the post received a lot of feedback through comments, emails, and some other sources, most of which were all highly critical of the post, and of me personally. For those who are curious, here are some of the things people out there had to say:

1. Mark who called my post "Depressing" Read it here
2. "Rolling Eyes and Laughing"
3. An online article on My Jewish Learning, who calls my post both thoughtful and sad
4. Then there Jordan who liked both mine and Coral’s post and decided to make a webpage that generates random numbers from each of our posts. You have to hit “refresh” a couple times to get the full effect.

And to top it all off, the reason why I am writing about this now is that last week Frum Satire wrote about how "lame" my post is, here.

I can understand that people didn't like my post- unless I write about only boring and non controversial topics, people are not going to like or agree with everything I write. Sharing different perspectives is one of the wonderful parts about writing, and particularly blogging. What surprised and confused me was that people did not simply dislike the post, but they were offended, outraged and upset by it. It triggered a strong reaction. I say this because if the reaction was mild, if I had not hit a sensitive spot, then it would not have received such feedback. This surprised me because I did not think there was anything special (in a good or bad way) about the post. Why were people so upset about it?

To be honest, I have no idea why. And I can hear the critics already responding to that statement, telling me that of course I do not understand because I am a close-minded person and I can't see past my own tiny bubble, and that the biggest problem with my post is the very fact that I don't see any problem with the post. The only reason I could see for outrage is if someone thought that everything I wrote is true, which it was not, and I guess that was not obvious. Or perhaps, even if it is not true, people are outraged because it represents a certain mentality that people (particularly those who are far removed from the frum community) dislike. I can understand that while most of those reasons were not true for me, there was truth to my post, and the fact is that the Orthodox community puts an unreasonable amount of pressure on its young people to get married. In that regard, I can most certainly agree that this attitude is quite unfortunate.

The reason I am writing this post, “in defense”, is that I feel my post was misunderstood. This was clear to me from the fact that most people who attacked me accused me of being, to sum up, a typical close-minded, clueless, naive, anti-feminist, frummie. I know that I am not that way in real life, despite how my post might have come across. (Well, I am frum, but I am not frummie. The difference in my opinion is whether you think for yourself.) You don’t have to believe me when I say any of that, since none of you know me in real life. I can see why I came across that way, but I do not think that most readers understood where I am coming from, and therefore read the post the wrong way. I feel people really missed what I was trying to say in the post for the following reason.

I keep reiterating over and over that this post was meant to be humorous and funny and people just didn't get it, but that is not entirely accurate. I am not a funny person, as those who know me in real life will attest to, and the only people who actually get my sense of humor are those who I am really close to and who really get me, which is a small number of people. I did not really mean that the list was meant to be funny, but just that it was not meant to be serious. It was meant to be….amusing. Meaning, and this what I feel like no one really gets; MOST of the reasons on the list are not actually reasons that I want to get married!!! I stated from the beginning that many of those reasons are ridiculous! Of course the post is "lame" if you think I actually believe half those things!! Or if you are expecting to roll on the floor laughing! It horrifies me that there are people out there who truly believe I want to get married because I am under tons of social pressure by my family and community who pity me for being single, to find a husband who will take out the garbage and kills rodents and teach me Torah, while I clean and cook all day. Perhaps I should not have titled the post reasons why *I* want to get married, but reasons in general.

Then there were the people who understood that I was not serious, but were still offended. Why? Because there was truth to a lot of what I said, even though it was not serious. The bottom line is that the Orthodox community does put a lot of pressure on its members to get married. Despite my guess as to why this post really hit the spot with so many people, like I said originally, I am still puzzled at the fact that it received so much attention.

Another reason that this whole situation was thought-provoking for me was that I have never received so many personal attacks as a result of a post. It made me realize that people write things on the internet that they would never say in person. The internet gives people the room to be brutally honest with no consequences. You don’t know me and I don’t know you, and no one will know if you say whatever you please. In fact am sure that some will take this post as an opportunity to continue to critique my original post, and continue to attack me personally. At the end of the day, though, readers only see the side of myself that I put forward, and they do not know the real me, especially if they only read one post. This was a good reminder for me that even though I sometimes think only a few people read this blog, anyone could read what I write and it is important to think about how people can misunderstand what I write. I am considering taking a short break from blogging to reflect and think, or at least on posting a bit less, for the time being.

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12 year old girl speaks out

For those of you who haven't yet seen this video of Tamar Fogel, the 12 year old girl whose family was murdered in Israel recently, it is very worth watching.

Hope you had a Happy Purim!

Purim is over, but I still wanted to share my thoughts. Every year I get the chills at the same point in the Megillah, one of my favorite scenes in all of Tanach. You can probably guess what is it, since it is the climax of the Megillah and the scene most mentioned in speeches and Divrei Torah. The scene is the one where Esther finds out about Haman's wicked decree and tells Mordechai that she cannot go to Achashevrosh, and Mordechai replies with those words that get to me every time: "Maybe this is why everything happened!"

Just about all of the time, we don't know why things happen. And as someone who always asks "Why?" and who constantly thinks about meaning and purpose, I love the clarity that Esther has at the end of story, where she realizes that she was placed in a unique situation where she had the opportunity to play a crucial role that is remembered for generations.

Purim leaves me with much to think about. About the relationship between my external self and my internal self, about appearances, who I really am vs. who I show the world. About Hashem's hidden presence in the world and seeing Hashem's interaction in my daily life. What is my purpose here? Where do I go with all the things that Hashem has given me? What makes each aspect of my life meaningful? How can I take advantage of each opportunity comes my way?

Esther finds herself in a situation where she has a unique chance to make a difference. Mordechai doesn't tell her what to do. He doesn't say, "Don't just stand there! You have to do something!" He tells her what her possibilities are. Hashem is going to save the Jews and she can jump in or she can stay put. All I can think about is: Am I jumping in? Am I doing what I can do? Am I striving enough, or am I just passively floating through life, going wherever it takes me without paddling and playing my role?

I hope you all had a meaningful, happy Purim.

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Appearances: A Response to "Wearing Jeans"

Anon 99 wanted to post this comment on the "Wearing Jeans" post, but it was too long, so it did not let him post it. He makes a number of good points, so I am going to post his comments here with my response:

I do not wear jeans and have not since I was 10 years old. My wife does wear denim. The chiluk is that I try to always dress like I did when I was in Beis Medrash - hence I do not wear color shirts and wear dress pants generally (playing ball, exercising or on vacation is some remote place are exceptions as I am clearly not in Beis Medrash). For girls, although there may be a taboo in denim for some people, it is not a general held belief. Rather, there are people who say a girl should not wear denim and some who say who cares. No Yeshivish place allows their guys to wear jeans in Yeshiva and even outside yeshiva it is much more clear cut thing not to do.

Generally speaking, I find the statement it's not the clothes, the outside, rather it is the inside that counts, rather disingenuous. That statement is made to (1) lower the importance of outside appearance; and (2) make the people who value outside appearance feel like they are being superficial.

I actually take extreme exception to that statement. First of all, if using the statement in terms of actual looks/beauty, then I commend a person who actually adheres to the statement and quite frankly, in that case it is true. However, in terms of dress, the statement could not be more wrong. I truly believe that your inside impacts how your appear on the outside. They way you want people to look at you is the way you feel inside. Your mode of dress and the way you look tells the world what you are like on the inside. In other words, your inside is clearly important - the way you show your inside is your outside. So by looking a certain way - you are telling the world about your insides.

Let me begin by asking: If a girl (sorry female readers) is shomer negiah, keeps shabbos and kosher, davens every day, goes to shiurim and does a myriad of good things but does not keep tznius (and for lack of argument as to what is tznius, she walks around in shorts and talk top) - is that girl a "good" girl. The politically correct answer is yes. The real answer is although she does many good deeds, she simply cannot ignore the rules of tznius and be a good girl. She is breaking a clear important rule and she unfortunately gets lowered in status.

I wonder if anyone would argue in this case, "what about all her good deeds? Aren't her insides good? The only thing that she is doing wrong is an outside/appearance thing?" In this case, I think the more rational and unbiased thinkers would agree that this is a clear case where her actions, although many of them good, includes one inside deed that is reflected on the outside.

Moving this to another level, if a girl really cares about the halachos of tznius then she will be very careful in how she dresses, i.e. tightness, skirt lengths, necklines and elbows. The difference between the girls that really care about the details and the girls who are just trying to look good and keep within the minimum of the halachos could not be clear. I look no further than my own family where I there are clear differences in the manner of dress between certain relatives (ironically that are Stern girls) that dress with more care to looking "good" and less to ensuring that they keep the details vs. my more yeshivish relatives that somehow have no problems with their skirt lengths and tightness of clothing. The point here again is that their insides are manifested on their outsides. The relatives who really care about the details never have any tznius issues and the relatives who care more about looking good are walking around (and certainly sitting) with skirts just above their knees, clothing leaving nothing to the imagination and too much skin showing.

For guys: If a guy is in a Yeshiva where they only wear white shirts and he wears color - some people might say "what is the big deal, he is only expressing his individuality? Is that so bad - he is not breaking any halachos? Do we really need to be like that mindless drones from the famous apple commerical in 1984? Can't someone be a little different and not be looked down at?" My answer is these things are avoiding the point. Those questions are trying to accomplish the two things I wrote about above ((1) lower the importance of outside appearance; and (2) make the people who value outside appearance feel like they are being superficial) and avoid the actual issue. Why would a guy want to be singularly different than the rest of his Yeshiva? Being clearly different is making a statement. It is being porush yourself from your fellow colleagues. It is specifically saying I want to be different. Well then, if you want to be different and looked at through a different prism then you can't complain if people look down upon you for separating yourself, No one said you are a bad person - but you yourself are asking to be viewed differently. You are publicly stating that although your yeshiva brethren believe one thing - you want to express your different opinion and separate yourself. Well you did. Your insides are being manifested by the way you dress.

So coming back to the original point, there is nothing inherently wrong with wearing jeans. The issue is what statement are you making. If your society says that jeans are bad and you statement is thus I want to do what I feel is OK anyway - well that tells me about your insides.

There are two main points of clarification that I would like to make in repsonse to this comment, one about jeans and one about appearances in general.

Every society in the world has its own way of dressing. Style of clothing is different depending on culture, country, religion etc. Clothing defines what section of society you belong to. Dressing a certain way defines a person as “American” vs. “French” v.s “Israeli,” or “Young” vs. “Old.” Children dress differently than teenagers and than adults. The same holds true with in different sects of Judaism. Chassidish don’t dress the same way as non-chassidish, and so on and so forth. Whether we like or not, clothes define us. Though each person may have an individual style, we still dress to fit our general societal norms, because we will be labeled as weird if we do not.

Anon 99 is quite correct in his point that while dressing outside of a societal norm may not be wrong Halachically, it is still is a statement about where you feel that you fit in society. That is why dress is one of the first things to change when a person changes religiously- either becomes more religious or less religious. Some guys go to Israel and come back with black hats, while girls come back with opaque tights. Girls who become less religious drop their long sleeves and switch to short, and begin wearing pants. “This is who I associate myself with now,” is the statement.

The article about jeans, written by a Stern College student, is interesting because of the social demographic of Stern. There is a small percentage of Yeshivish students, who would never date a guy who wears pants, because that is how guys in their social world dress, and there is a small percentage of women who wear jean pants themselves, or even those who don’t wear pants, but wouldn’t think twice about a guy wearing jeans. In fact some of those might be skeptical of a guy who did not wear jeans for religious reasons. Then there is all of us in between, who are not really in one place or another.

I used to think I would never date a guy who wears jeans. Most guys I’ve dated are not the type to, though I never actually asked any of them. Since Stern, however, I have been surprised to discover that there are guys who are hashkafically on the same page of me, yet they wear jeans. I’ve only met a few, but that is enough to make me realize that for someone like me, who is in the middle, jeans are not a clear cut indicator of “this is where I fit in.” For others, jeans are an indicator.

The second point I would like to make is to connected to Anon 99’s first point about how appearances count, and it is not enough if a girl keeps all other mitzvot besides Tznius. The question I would like to ask is: Do appearances matter? The obvious answer is that yes, they do. But let me explain.

My high school spent a lot of time talking about tznius, and so I spend a lot of time thinking about it. Often the message conveyed was, “It’s not about what you wear, it’s about who you are inside. Tznius, by covering your body, places the emphasis on who you are inside.” It matters what you wear. Try showing up to a job interview in a t-shirt and jeans. Try showing up to a wedding in the outfit you wore to clean the bathroom. Try cleaning the bathroom in the outfit you wore to your friend’s wedding. This begs the question: If it's not about what you wear, then how can what you wear matter so much if it is really what is inside that matters? Why do our appearances matter so much?

My answer to this is simple: Your appearance represents who you are. No one can see who you are by glancing at you, so the only way to get a quick idea of who you are, people look at your appearance. How you look and how you dress is important because it represents who you are. But that is all, it represents who you are, it is not actually who you are. The real true important part is who you are. The bottom line is that as important as appearances are, who you are matters more. Would you rather marry an ugly nice person or a beautiful mean person? For anyone who hesitates- try spending a few days with someone who is mean to you, who puts you down, criticizes you, yells at you, and in general makes you feel like a piece of dirt. Trust me, you will then pick the nice person, no matter how ugly they are.

The issue with a guy who wears jeans is not about "it doesn't matter what he wears, it only matters who he is," the issue is that reversing that statement to say "it only matters what he wears and doesn't matter who he is" is equally wrong.

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On the Maccabeats

There was so much hype about the Maccabeats' Candlelight video that I did not feel the need to write about the Maccabeats around Chanukah. But the truth is that a post about the Maccabeats is long overdue.

I am not obsessed with the Maccabeats, but I am obsessed with their fame. Although from a musical perspective their songs are excellent and a pleasure to listen to, other a capella groups are more talented musically- groups such as Six13, for instance. They are excellent, but not the most amazing group I have ever heard. What interests me more is that a small group of YU students went from being nearly unknown to being close to 5 million views famous. While the Maccabeats are clearly talented, their fame is really due to two factors: Uri Westrich and the amazing video he directed, and secondly like with everything that is successful, they (unintentionally) filled in a missing hole in society. The world, or at least America, was filled with Holiday spirit and was looking to celebrate Chanukah too, and the Maccabeats' video hit the spot.

Candlelight was fun to sing and catchy. When I watched the video for the first time, my first reaction was one that I know was shared by many of you out there. I stared at the screen, whispered “wow,” and then watched it again. Like potato chips, I had to keep watching it again and again. I watched as the video reached the milestone of one million views, as news station after news station interviewed the Maccabeats, and I saw them perform Candlelight live at the annual YU Chanukah concert. As a graduate of Yeshiva University, I am proud of the Maccabeats for shining a positive light on YU, and as an Orthodox Jew, I am proud of the Maccabeats for making a Kiddush Hashem, and promoting Torah Judaism in a positive way. The media is often unkind to Orthodox Jews, labeling us as extreme, and the Candlelight video was like a fresh of breath air.

Today the Maccabeats released their new video, about Purim. Some of us devoted fans (and Facebook stalkers) have been awaiting this video, especially since the Maccabeats' status last week which hinted that it was coming. Before I discuss the video, here it is:

The difficult part about making a video after a hit is that there are tons of expectations, and a lot to live up to. Overall the Purim video was quite good and well done, but as could be expected, it was not quite as good as Candlelight. Let me start out with my critique and end on a positive note.

The main reason why the new video is lacking is that it is a poor song choice for a number of reasons. Firstly, because the song on which it was based is an inappropriate song. Due to the limited amount of time I spend listening to non- Jewish music, I had never heard the song "Raise Your Glass," by Pink before, and the first thing I did was search on YouTube for the original. (I will also point out that I had never heard of "Dynamite" before, and I immediately went to the original in that case as well). The first video that came up was the official music video of Pink for the song, which I am horrified to say that I watched, and strongly do not recommend. The lyrics of the song were mildly upsetting, but the video itself was extremely offensive. Putting the lyrics and video aside, "Raise your Glass" was a poor selection for the Maccabeats because it is not so catchy and difficult to sing. Candlelight can be difficult to sing, but the Purim Song is even more so. If people have difficulties singing it, then they won't. It goes nowhere. “I flip my latkes in the air sometimes” is much more catchy than “Raise your glass.” Additionally, the words “raise your glass” are part of the original lyric of the song, whereas “I flip my latkes in the air sometimes” is a line written by the Maccabeats.

My second critique of the video, after their song choice, boils down to the fact I would rename this video to "Candlelight: The sequel." Candlelight was not the Maccabeats' first video. Their "One Day" video was the first video, and it was drastically different from Candlelight both musically and stylistically. The Purim Song video is more of a synthesis of their two videos, without really adding its' own unique aspect. The Purim song takes themes from both previous videos. It shows the Maccabeats singing outside in their coats in the snow, which is very much reminiscent of the scenes in the park in the One Day video. One of the elements taken from Candlelight is that it features a reenactment of the story of the holiday on which it is based, in this case, Purim. Another similar element is what I will call the "holiday feast" scene, where the members of the group are casually seated around a table and shown chatting and eating. The only new element of the video is the introduction of children into the video. I don't know who those kids are, but they sure are lucky to make it into the video! Their parents must be proud.

Now on to what I liked about the video: Let’s start out with the amazing vocals, as always, the Maccabeats sound great! The video it self was quite amazing quality and extremely professional, living up to the high standard of the other two. The Seuda scene was perfect for film with tons of colors. It was just so colorful! The costumes were amazing, as a Harry Potter fan, I liked that costume, and every detail of that scene was perfect. I was also impressed with the Royal Palace, which was a perfect location for the portrayal of Achashverosh’s palace. The kids in the video were so cute and were just wonderful. My favorite part is when the guy in the Astronaut suit turns around to see the kid in the identical costume. Where did they find a kids’ version of that?

Despite the poor song choice that is just not catchy enough for me to sing along to, and the slight lack of originality, the Maccabeats’ video is fun to watch, a pleasure to listen to and overall I just have to say Yashar Koach to the Maccabeats and all of those who helped put the video together. May this video make a Kiddush Hashem just like the previous video, and may it be the channel through which the message of Purim is spread.

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Wearing Jeans

A recent article in the YU Beacon about males wearing jeans caught my interest. The article interviews guys in Yeshiva College, some of whom wear jeans, some of whom do not, and asks each the reasoning behind their choice. It continues to interview Stern College students who for the most part express the fact that they would not date a guy who wears jeans. I found the article insightful and well-written, and underlying the article is the following question:

On the one hand, it is not the external clothes that a person wears that matters (as long as the person is Tznius and keeping Halacha), it is the internal, who a person is, that really matters. Yet, on the other hand, clothes clearly do signify some level of religious observance, as is clear by the fact that a Chassidish men and women do not dress the same as a non-Jewish men and women. Then there is all the nuance of dress in between, not just for women, but for men as well. A while ago I wrote about Kippot. Perhaps it shouldn’t matter what type of Kippah a guy wears, but the bottom line, as sad as it is, is that the social norms within Orthodox Judaism are that those who hold certain beliefs wear a certain type of Kippah, while those who hold other beliefs wear a different type. So if someone were to say, “I don’t want to date a guy who wears that type of yarmulke,” that person would really be saying that they don’t agree with the beliefs of a person who generally wears that Kippah.

The problem is when we start confusing clothing for beliefs. Because as much as we assume that the guy who isn’t wear a Kippah is not religious, the bottom line is that we don’t know if he keeps shabbos or kashrut or any other mitzvah simply based on appearance. Unfortunately, I, too, fall into this trap. If everything else sounded like the match was on target, I would not decline to date a guy simply because of the way he was dressed (either because he dressed in a way that signified he was less religious or in a way that signified that he is more religious than I am), but I admit that certain modes of dress would make me cautious. I would not date guys who dress in a certain way not based on the way of dress, but based on conflicting religious or other beliefs.

One thing that surprised me is that the article in the YU Beacon did not mention women wearing denim/jean skirts, as that is something I encountered personally. I wear denim skirts (*oh no! I might never find a shidduch!*) and one summer in college I was on a learning summer program which had had a program for high school girls as well. In terms of my religious observance, I was to the left of everyone in my program, (which I enjoyed since I had been in environments where I was the most religiously observant and it was nice to be on the other end of things!) but I was even more to the left of the high school program. While the college-age program had no dress code, the program for high schoolers had a specific dress code, one which forbade denim skirts.

One day I happened to be waiting in the hallway with two of the high schoolers and their madricha, who was around my age. One of the high schoolers looked me over and goes, "You're allowed to wear denim skirts??" I self-consciously replied that we could wear what we wanted. She then turned to the madricha and asked, “Why can she wear jean skirts?” to which the madricha said something like, "Well, (pause) she's not in high school." Her reply and the way and tone in which she said it bothered me, for two reasons. Firstly because her words were said as though it's only wrong for high schoolers to wear denim and when you grow up it's fine to wear anything, but also because she was implying that wearing denim is never OK, and she couldn't think of a reason that I was allowed to wear them.

Out of curiosity:

Do you wear jeans/jean skirts? If you do not, would you date someone who does? If you do, would you date someone who does not? Are there other types of clothing that would fall under the category of “I would not date someone if they wore that”? Do you think clothing is a valid reason to say no to a shidduch?

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Men's Brains Vs. Women's Brains

Men and women think differently, and we are always trying to understand what the other gender is thinking and how they reached the conclusions they did. The following video sheds some light on this subject. I know it's 10 minutes, but the key points are in the first 3 minutes, and it is definitely worth a watch:

Men’s brains vs. Women’s brains

To sum up:

Men’s brains are like boxes, with each topic divided up in their mind. When they are thinking about something, they are just thinking about that one thing and nothing else. They also have a “nothing” box which allows them to think about nothing.

Women’s brains are like a million interconnected wires, which are constantly busy. When they are thinking about something, they are also thinking about one hundred other things which are connected to it in their mind. They are always thinking and never thinking about nothing.

While this is not true for all men and all women, I think it is true as a general rule. I will say that I think it is true for me personally, though I would never claim to understand men’s brains. When I first watched this video my reaction was the following: Guys don’t really have a “nothing” box! How can anyone be thinking about nothing? You’re always thinking about something! That is completely not true. Men just want women to think they have a “nothing” box, but really when they say they are thinking about nothing, they are thinking about something inappropriate so they do not want to share it. This is fine, and understandable that they are thinking inappropriate thoughts, but they can’t possibly be thinking about nothing! Clearly, I just don't understand guys.

The key is that neither of these ways of thinking is *better* than the other, they are both good, just different. They each have their pros and cons, and in some situations it is better to think like a man, while other situations benefit from the way a woman thinks. That is what makes the world work. While there are times when I wish I could turn my brain off and think about nothing, I like the fact that everything is all connected in my brain.

A recent blogging situation demonstrates how true this is. I recently wrote a post about reasons why I want to get married, where I listed 101 reasons. Harry-er than them followed up with his post (which actually fits in nicely with this post, since he mentions that women are difficult to figure out), about why he wants to get married which comes down to, as he puts it “because I feel its best for me.” This is just typical male vs. female. For the male, Harry-er in this case, marriage is about marriage, simple as that, without connecting it to 100 things. It all stays in the “marriage” box. Short, simple, and sweet, and that is the end of it. No need to go crazy. Marriage is about marriage, the end.

For the female, however, me in this case, marriage is not just about marriage. It’s about 100 other things- how will this affect my life? How will this decision affect my family? What about my friends? How does marriage have a spiritual impact? An emotional impact? My brain races furiously thinking of what marriage means for every single aspect of my life, down to the tiniest detail.

The great and beautiful thing is that both of these approaches work for each of us. Different approaches in life are what make the world go round. It would be so boring if we all thought the same way and life would be too easy if we just automatically understood each other. Resolving conflict, learning to understand each other, questioning, growing, and trying to figure out how to be together, is part of what life is all about.

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Speed Dating

“You can’t knock it until you’ve tried it!” Those were the famous last words that I told my friend, in response to her less-than thrilled reaction when we found out that there would be speed dating at the singles Shabbaton we were about to attend. Although my comment might imply that I was all for speed dating, I continued to explain to her that without ever experiencing something, one cannot fully critique it and figure out how to improve it. I admit that I was looking forward to the chance to making of the whole thing. Having never been to an event with speed dating, I too feared that it would be potentially quite awkward. I imagined rows of guys and girls sitting across from each other glancing nervously at one another.

When I thought about it more, I realized that one benefit of speed dating is that if it is awkward, it only lasts a few minutes, as opposed to an actual date where the awkwardness can last for hours. While it is true that some of the bad dates I have been on only became awkward an hour or two into the date, most bad dates were ones in which I could tell that the date was not going anywhere after two minutes. Despite this benefit, I was eagerly looking forward to tearing apart the event and laughing it off. Perhaps my attitude of “I doubt I will actually meet someone this way, so I might as well have fun” was the right choice for me, (not because I met someone- I didn’t- but,) because speed dating was not as big of a disaster as I had anticipated.

One surprising component of the speed dating on the Shabbaton was that it turned out to be group speed dating instead of one-on-one. Meaning that I sat at a table with two friends, while groups of 2-3 guys rotated and came group by group to sit down at our table. This method had its pros and cons. On the one hand it was great because it kept the environment more chilled and less pressured, but on the other hand, in some cases we each ended up only talking to the person directly in front of us, so I did not have the opportunity to meet the other two guys in the group. The best thing about speed dating was what I mentioned before, that things are short enough so that awkward pauses can be almost entirely avoided. By the time you’ve each said your name, what you are doing with your life and gone through the typical follow up questions, it is time to move on to the next person, or in this case, group of people.

Overall, I was surprised at how non-awkward and even fun the entire thing was. So much for my plan to knock it. However, there were two main problems with speed-dating. The first one is that there were guys on the Shabbaton that I had already dated, and so they came to my table as well. Here is where the fact that it was group speed dating was really helpful, as I did not end up sitting one-on-one with guys I already dated. But potentially in a situation where speed dating is one-on-one, this could have been uncomfortable.

The second is that it is really difficult to remember all the people who you meet, and this is especially the case on shabbos where we could not write things down or take notes about the person. In general I have a pretty good memory for names and faces, and often find that people do not remember me, while I will remember them. When I was a camp counselor those I worked with were always impressed that in an hour I had learned the names of all 20 kids in the bunk. Yet after I had speed dated with about 20 guys, I glanced through the list of guys to see which ones I remembered and there were only one or two that stuck out. I could not put a face the names of any of the rest of the guys. At least if it had not been shabbos I could have put stars next to the ones I was interested in talking to further, though there are no guarantees I would remember which ones they were.

Despite these two down-sides (that it is hard to remember each person you meet and that it could be bad when you have already dated a few of the guys), I think that speed dating is a really great idea and should be utilized more in the shidduch world. Particularly in the shidduch world this type of thing has the potential to go a long way. Why? Let me explain. If you break down the process of trying to find the right person there are two components: The person and the paper. The paper consists of background, family, beliefs, values, etc. - things that can be found out in advance, and written down on paper. The person refers to a combination of chemistry and personality. By “chemistry” I do not simply mean looks, but also the interaction between two people. How do they get along? Are they comfortable with each other? Do they find it easy to talk to each other? Do they understand each other?

In the Western world, aside from blind dating, dating begins with the person and ends with a paper. People meet in social settings, such as parties, bars, weddings, social events, and if two people like each other they will start to date, and then as they get to know each other they discover all of the “paper” parts of the person- where they went to school, their family, their religious, political, and other beliefs. In shidduchim we start with the paper and end with the person. This is better then starting with the person and ending with the paper because otherwise you can develop feelings for someone who is not the right one to share your life with. See my post about that here. Additionally, starting with the person would not work in frum circles because most of us have spent our lives in environments where members of the opposite sex have been separated. Putting tons of singles in the same room results in the girls talking to the girls and the guys talking to the guys. Each one is too scared to approach the other. Those who are accustomed to coed environments do not experience this problem to the same extent. For both these reasons, the “start with the person” method does not work.

The problem with starting with the paper and ending with the person is that as we all know, a person is much more than a paper. Two people can seem exactly the same on paper, yet be drastically different in person. (By the way, the reverse is true. Two people may be similar when you meet them, but after getting to know them you might discover they come from completely different backgrounds and hold different beliefs.)

Speed dating is the perfect synthesis of the two methods- starting with the person and starting with the paper. Although the process begins with the person, it is just a small taste of the person and it quickly leads to the paper. While most “start with the person” experiences are casual and informal, which demands one person to approach another, speed dating is formal and everyone meets everyone. This is all granted that all of the participants are generally on the same page hashkafically.

From my one speed dating experience, I would make the following improvements:
1. It should not be done on shabbos, because it is best for participants to be able to write things down and take notes. Each meeting should be followed by 60 seconds to write down these notes.
2. Ideally, speed dating should be followed by shidduch profiles being made available to participants. Singles should approach shadchanim who are present at the event with a list of those who they were interested in, and then shadchanim should see which two people were interested in each other and then continue from there. This did not happen at the event I was at. I would even go so far as to suggest that perhaps the men simply give a list of those who they were interested in, and then the shadchanim could approach those women to see if they would be open to giving it a shot.

All in all, I had a fun time and enjoyed meeting new people, despite my original skepticism. Have you ever been to a speed-dating event? Would you be open to it or do you think it is a terrible idea?


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Disney Princesses

I grew up watching Disney movies. When I was little, I watched the older classics, like Snow White, Beauty and the Beast, Cinderella. I even remember when Aladdin came out, and watching Pocahontas in a movie theater. My childhood was all about rooting for the good guys, waiting for the evil villains to meet their end, being scared at the scary parts, crying at the sad parts, and laughing at the funny parts. Singing along with all of those songs was a favorite pastime of mine as well.

Mostly these movies have great lessons. Beauty and the Beast teaches us not to judge a book by its cover, Cinderella teaches us never to give up hope because magic can happen even to the girl who becomes a maid and is ordered around be all. Even she can find true love and be swept away by a prince. Aladdin has a similar message in the reverse- a poor boy can have his wishes granted and marry a princess, as long as he learns not to lie along the way. The little mermaid teaches us that we can marry someone who is different than we are (though all of my teachers used to say how this movie was bad because it encourages intermarriage.)

Although I enjoyed Disney movies, I never wanted to be a Disney princess. None of them are very intelligent, at least not in the earlier movies, and they do not have much personality. They are weak, passive characters who cry every time something doesn’t go their way instead of facing situations with determination, courage and strength. The only character like this was Mulan, which was made later on, and who I must point out pretended to be a man for half the movie. Not exactly the best female role models.

Despite the good lessons, these fairy tale movies also give us unrealistic views on how life works, such as that everything always ends up happily ever after. They also teach us completely wrong ideas about love and romance, as portrayed by this video I found that is hilarious, yet so scarily true about the messages that Disney sends. Enjoy!

How to Make A Guy Like You- Disney Princess Style




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"Take the Shot"

Check out the new Charlie Harary video from Aish.com entitled, "Take the Shot," for a quick 4 minute refresher on the purpose of life. Enjoy!

To Be Human

What makes humans so special? This question used to be asked by comparing humans to animals. How are humans better than animals? Some answers that I have heard fall into one of the following three things: 1. Speech/language 2. Free will 3. Humans have minds/ brains/ souls. Animals don’t think, they don’t ask questions, they don’t debate whether they should do a good deed or an evil one.

The new, modern form of this question is: How are humans better than machines? That is the question that has been going around the internet in response to the Jeopardy match where two extremely skilled players played against a machine developed by IMB nick-named Watson. Despite tricky questions with puns and words with many different possible meanings, Watson beat the two humans.

I did not watch the show, but one of the players wrote a fascinating piece which I really enjoyed reading and recommend, entitled, “My Puny Human Brain.”

Most articles I read about the human vs. machine debate took the approach, “Wow, look at how amazing machines are. They are better than humans! Machines are going to take over the world!” This approach is forgetting that humans are the ones who made the machines to begin with. We’re so focused on how awesome the machines are that we forget that really it is the humans behind the machines who are so awesome. Machines are only as smart as the humans who programmed them.

This made me think about how really this leads back to the fact that Hashem is so awesome. Hashem created us and gave us the power to create. We get so arrogant about all that we can accomplish, when really it is Hashem who gave us the ability to do everything that we do. We only have as much power as Hashem gives us.



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101 Reasons Why I Want to Get Married

Editor's Note, March 3, 2011:

It is clear to me now that this post has been somewhat misunderstood, and so I would like to reiterate that there are many things on this list that are here simply to be humorous, (for example, #41 Social pressure)

I wrote this list for fun, and I hope you, my readers, can read it in that spirit. I truly did not mean to offend anyone and I apologize if I did so, but as this was a fun exercise, I stand by my work in the spirit in which I wrote it. Thank you.

~SternGrad

I was trying to think of a good list of 101 things for my 101st post. I had been thinking of writing a post about reasons why I would like to get married, and figured this would be a good challenge. But I wasn’t sure I could think of 101 reasons. That is a lot of reasons after all. Then I remembered how someone told one of my friends that the reason she wasn’t married is because she didn’t want to get married enough. “Ein davar Haomed mipnei Haratzon,” nothing stands in the way of desire, right? I think that if I have 101 reasons, then I must want to get married enough. So, for post #101 I present you with: 101 Reasons Why I Want to Get Married

Before you read this post, I suggest you try coming up with as many reasons as you can to get married or if you’re already married, reasons you are glad you are married. It is pretty hard to get to 101! The first time I sat down to do this, I came up with 50 reasons off the top of my head, and the rest took some thinking. The truth is that only about 10 or 15 of these reasons are the real, true, deep, serious, sincere reasons that I would like to get married, and you might not even be able to guess which ones those are, because I think every person is motivated by different things.

Some of the reasons are serious, some are meant to be humorous, some are ridiculous, and others are terrible reasons to get married, especially if that was your only reason. And sure, you could argue that some of them I could do while I’m still single, but marriage makes them easier/better/more fun.

I would also like to add that if I were to make a list of “Reasons why I love my life right now,” it would be much, much, much more than 101, and in case it is not obvious, loving my current life as a single, and sincerely wanting to get married are not mutually exclusive.

With that nice introduction, here they are:

101 Reasons to Get Married

1. Because Hashem wants me to get married (even though there is no Halachic requirement for women to get married, I would argue that a Torah lifestyle encourages it.)
2. So that I can host guests ( I mean, I do that now, but it’s not quite the same)
3. To experience true love/ to be in love
4. To always be with someone I love
5. To be with someone who loves me
6. To give to someone more than I give in any other relationship
7. To be able to make someone happy by just being with them
8. To live with someone who I chose and who chose me (unlike family which we’re born with and don’t get to pick), and I have committed to spend the rest of my life with and vica versa (unlike friends or roommates who might come and go)
9. To have someone special to cook for
10. Someone to clean for (you know I must love you if I clean up after you.)
11. So that I don’t have to be alone/ I have someone to be with
12. Someone to go on walks with
13. Someone to open cans/jars
14. Someone to take out the garbage
15. Someone to kill/ get rid of bugs (although I can totally see myself ending up with someone who is more afraid of bugs than I am, and when I’m around people like that I magically find the ability to get rid of them myself.)
16. Someone to get rid of rodents (Yes, I am scared of mice.)
17. To have kids/ a family
18. Because it will make my parents happy to see me happy
19. Because my grandparents have told me they want great-grandkids
20. For my siblings who want a brother-in-law, and nieces/nephews
21. Because I would really like to get married before my younger sister who is approaching the time in her life when she will be ready to start dating
22. Because I love family, and when you get married you get more family members- aunts, uncles, cousins…
23. To move out of the New York area (particularly to Israel. Even though I could do this on my own, most of my friends and family live in the New York area and I wouldn’t want to leave them and move somewhere all by myself.)
24. So I can live in a house. Much more spacious than in an apartment, but what would I do with all that space all by myself?
25. Because marriage is good for spiritual growth
26. Because covering my hair will be awesome on 3 day yontifs and bad hair days!
27. To never have to worry about straightening my hair ever again
28. I love Mitzvos- there are more mitzvos to keep when married
29. To find a new closest best friend
30. For the new dishes and all the presents that come along with getting married
31. To be complete and not like I’m missing half my soul
32. To share every aspect of my life with someone
33. Money- two salaries are better than one
34. So people will stop feeling bad for me/ giving me looks of pity
35. So I can avoid the awkwardness that comes after comments such as, “You’re single? Oh, I hated being single, I’m glad that’s over. Dating was terrible.” (Um, what do you say to that one?)
36. Someone to sing with/to sing zemirot with/someone to do harmony with
37. Because weddings are so much fun
38. Because vorts/ engagement parties are so much fun
39. Because bridal showers are not fun unless you are the bride
40. Physical Intimacy
41. Social pressure- it’s what society wants from me
42. To build a home where the shechina can rest- i.e. a Bayit Neeman Biyisrael
43. Curiosity- because I’m so curious what the person I’m going to end up with will be like. (Will he be outgoing or quiet? Short or tall?)
44. “Tovim Hashnaim min haechad” - two are better than one, can accomplish more than one
45. Because Hashem said that לא טוב היות אדם לבדו
46. To have the Ezer Kinegdo Relationship
47. Because research studies show that married people are happier
48. To better understand the concept of Ahavat Hashem. The relationship of B’nei Yisrael to Hashem is compared to husband and wife
49. To better understand Shir Hashirim
50. To have kids and understand how Hashem relates to us as a parent
51. So that I never have to go on an awkward first date ever again!
52. No more singles Shabbatons
53. So that I never again have to get rejected after what I thought was a good date
54. So that no one will call me “picky”
55. No more dating drama
56. No more shadchanim who think that just because he is a Jewish guy and I am a Jewish girl we have enough in common to get married
57. To see Hashem’s hashgacha in my life- it’s a miracle to find that one in a million
58. To be able to thank Hashem for answering my Tefillot
59. To have a marriage anniversary- just another occasion to celebrate- and to receive gifts!
60. So when creepy guys hit on me in the subway I can say things like “my husband would not be too happy about this…” (I could do that now, but I’m not a good liar)
61. To finally be able to see shtick that guys do at weddings!! I can never see over all the women who push to the front so I have no clue what kind of cool things go on.
62. So I can always been sincerely happy when others get engaged and married instead of feeling “When will that be me?”
63. So I can start this next stage of my life
64. So that I won’t end up being an old maid
65. It’s the cool thing to do
66. I love proposal stories and can’t wait for the day when it’s a reality and I can stop dreaming about my own
67. I love stories about how couples met, and can’t wait to have my own of those, too.
68. To have someone around to fix broken things- guys are handy
69. To be with someone who inspires me, someone for me to inspire
70. To be “Mrs.”
71. To have an extra hand to help my father build the Sukkah
72. Someone (else) to sit with my father in shul
73. To have someone who can be chazan and sing my favorite tunes
74. Because going to a restaurant by yourself is pathetic, and going with a friend is just not the same thing as with a spouse.
75. Because life is more fun when it is experienced with someone else
76. To be on onlysimchas.com
77. To change my status on Facebook to “married”
78. To rekindle old friendships- somehow when you get engaged/married, people come out of nowhere to wish you Mazel Tov
79. Someone to travel the world with
80. To have a place that I call “home” that is not my parents house (I try to call my current apartment “home,” but it just doesn’t stick. Although I suppose in some sense my parents’ house will just always be home.)
81. Because when I see parents who mistreat their children in public (such as on the subway) I long to prove that I will be a better parent than that
82. Because I like to see things from different perspectives and guys think very differently than girls
83. To have deep meaningful conversations
84. To be able to learn more Torah. Let’s face it, guys know more Torah than girls because they have a Mitzvah to learn Torah. I hope he’ll share some of that knowledge with me. (“Hey honey, guess what I learned today?”)
85. So I can stop worrying, “What if I never get married? What if there is no one out there for me?”
86. So I can be a shadchan and set people up
87. So my single friends can use me as their “married friend” reference
88. Two words: Diamond Ring. (Actually, I personally dislike jewelry, and wish I didn’t have to wear a ring when the time comes, but I know if I don’t then I’ll spend my life answering the people who ask me why I’m not wearing one. I felt like I had to put this on for all the people who were thinking it.)
89. To have someone to look good for (note: I mainly look good for myself. But it would be nice to have someone else to appreciate it, too.)
90. So I can eat whatever I want without having to worry that I might *gasp* gain a few pounds
91. A great way to lose weight- to have someone to give half the bag of M & M's to
92. Marriage = Sharing. Sharing = Caring.
93. It’s a great excuse for being antisocial
94. Someone to help shovel the snow. Women are just not as strong as men. (Ok, at least I’m not)
95. Someone to shop for- I’ve never bought a tie!
96. To learn new things- like how to tie a tie. (OK, *you* try coming up with101 reasons…)
97. Someone to argue with every now and then. Resolving conflict is so satisfying. Shalom Bayit takes work, but the end results seem to be amazing.
98. So that I’ll understand things like why newly married friends fall off the face of the planet (As in, “When you’re married, you’ll understand.)
99. Because when I look at my parents, and my grandparents, who are so in love and such great role models of what a good marriage should be, I wish that I had what they have.
100. Because true love is a powerful emotion, that I believe has the power to change a person
101. Because I am impatient and I’m waiting...

Now that you have read the list:
• Any reasons that I missed? Any other reasons you can think of?
• Pick 3-5 that you would say rank pretty high on your list




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Post Number 100

Well, I have reached a milestone. This is my 100th post. Yay!

To all of you reading this, thank you so much for reading. When I started this blog I wasn’t sure where it would take me, and I was happy to find that I am really enjoying it.

In honor of Post #100 I wanted to share some of the highlights of this blog:

Here are the top 3 posts with the most comments:

1. EDIP
2. Just the way you are
3. Slipping up


My Top Ten Personal Favorite Posts:

1. Letter to my Bad Day

2. Everywhere

3. "Droughts"

4. Ups and Downs

5. Different Approaches to the Shidduch Crisis

6. Hashkafa

7. Views on Feminism

8. The Tale of the Good First Date

9. Things I wish I knew before I started dating

10. Breaking My TV Addiction

Two questions for you:
1. Which posts did you like?
2. Are there any topics you would like to read about?

"One and Done" vs. Second Date = Second Chance

Before I started dating, someone, possibly a teacher, told me that one should always go on a second date unless the first date was a really, really big disaster. The reasoning is that sometimes people are nervous on a first date, or you don’t get to know them really, or perhaps they’ll grow on you. I know plenty of people who subscribe to this philosophy as well, and I include myself in that category. I have two thoughts about this. The first is that my experience (and when I say “my experience” it’s not only my personal experience, but also when consulting others who are dating) seems to indicate that this is told a lot more to girls than it is to guys. Guys are given more leeway to end things earlier while girls are pushed to continue and try it again.

My second thought is that the line is not always clear. How does one define what qualifies as a bad enough first date that a second is not worth a shot? In a case when the date was awful, and you were miserable the whole time, there were major problems or issues that came up, and you kept waiting impatiently for it to be over, then it seems clear that it was a “one and done.” Especially if your gut reaction to the thought of spending another minute with the person is, “Noooooo!!”

That type of situation has only happened to me twice, and in both cases the hardest part was dealing with shadchan/ the person who set us up. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings by telling them that they were very off target, especially since in both cases I matched up on paper with the guys, and it was just a matter of a lack of connection in person, which they could not have foreseen in advance in either case. So then I end up explaining that the person wasn’t for me, while assuring them that it wasn’t awful or so far off. But if it wasn’t so awful or far off, then the person is curious as to why I am refusing to go on a second date. At some point, I just have to tell them to trust me on this one.

The thing is, what about when it’s not clearly awful? What about the cases where it wasn’t amazing, but it wasn’t terrible? You know, where you might have had an awkward silence here and there, but overall conversation flowed and your date wasn’t completely unattractive? In some of those cases you can still just have a gut feeling that this person is not right for you. It doesn’t always need to be awful for you to feel that it is not going to work. This goes back to my post about being picky- it is as though if I don’t give a guy a second chance, even though I can tell it is going nowhere, then I am accused of not being fair and being too selective. Which is why I hope that the guy will say no so that I won’t have to, and if he does, I breathe a huge sigh of relief. No one can blame me this time. It seems to me that if a date is in the mediocre category, guys are more quickly to be done with it than girls are.

After a first date I try to think about how much the guy was really able to get to know me, and sometimes I feel they got a good gist of it, while sometimes I feel like they barely know me at all. I mean, really, how well can you know another person after a few hours? How can you be sure after a few hours that a person is definitely not the right one for you, if there were no huge outstanding issues? I ask this sometimes, yet admit that I am guilty of being quick to trust my gut. Which is not a bad thing, because it’s usually right. In both of the cases where I went on completely awful dates, I had a feeling the date would be bad within the first 3 minutes of my phone calls with the guys.

Usually, unless I can’t picture spending another minute with the person, I believe in second chances. This is because it can’t hurt to try again, whereas if I say no too quickly, the risk is losing my bashert. Some people, however, subscribe to the other philosophy; unless there was something special about the date, then it is not worth going on a second date. No need to justify it. Once was more than enough, thank you very much.

Food for thought: What is your approach? Do you believe in second chances? Do you believe it is possible for people have a gut feeling after one date, or do you think that is ridiculous since you barely got to know the person?



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