I recently saw this video, which was originally posted on TED:
To sum up the key points of the video:
• We women are lucky; we don’t live in the world of grandmothers where career choices were limited.
• We have a problem: Women are not making it to the top of a profession anywhere in the world.
• Women face a choice: Professional Success vs. Personal Fulfillment (in the home)
• How do we change the numbers at the top how do we make this different? Here are some messages to tell women who choose to work:
1. Sit at the table
Women underestimate their own abilities.
Women do not negotiate for themselves in the workplace.
Men attribute success to themselves, and women to the external factors. The attitude of “I’m awesome” vs. “ Well, someone helped me.”
No one gets to the corner office by sitting on the side.
2. Make your partner a real partner
If a woman and a man both work outside the home and have a child, the woman does twice the amount of house work and three times the amount of child raising.
We put more pressure on men to succeed than women.
We have to make it important job to stay home.
Couples who have equal responsibility in work and home have a lower divorce rate.
3. Don’t leave before you leave.
Don’t plan extra time for yourself that you think you’re going to need for a family before you’re at that stage yet.
I thought this video made some very good points. The funniest part is that the story she told about the man who didn’t know where the women’s bathroom was, actually happened to me a few days after I watched the video! I was in my office and a man from a different office in the building- who had moved in less than a year ago, but more than 6 months ago- came knocking on our door and asked where the women’s bathroom was. I had just seen this video, so of course the first thing that came into my head was, “Are you telling me that you have never had a woman in your office before?”
One point that I had never thought about before but I think is very upsettingly true: “Success and likability are positively correlated for men and negatively correlated for women.” In my previous post about feminism, I wrote about some of the problems that feminism caused. This is one of them. The character traits that a person needs to be successful in their career- confidence, aggression, outspoken- are not necessarily qualities that people like in women. Women should not have to choose between being liked and being successful in their career.
Another thing that jumped out at me was the point she made about women having low self-esteem/not being confident enough, while men develop big egos if they do something right. While this is obviously not true of all women and all men, I also think that there are pros and cons to everything. The attitude of "I'm awesome" has the potential to lead to arrogance or looking down on others. Confidence is a positive trait, but arrogance is a negative one. Having a low self-image is bad, but recognizing and appreciating others who helped you is great. Her point was that women need to change in order to be successful, but I’m not sure that I would draw the same conclusion.
Both these two points- that women have to choose between being liked and being successful, and that women lack confidence in the work place- come down to the fact that characteristics that are natural to women do not work well in the work place. Instead of trying to change women, perhaps we need to change the nature of the work place. Both of those seem equally difficult. Perhaps we need to tailor the workplace so that the women’s characteristics are used in a positive way. Men and women each have qualities that come naturally to them, and those have the potential to be used in a positive or a negative way. Instead of women trying to be men to be successful, women need to figure out how to be successful using the traits that they have.
Anyway those were some of my thoughts on the video- what did you think?
Showing posts with label feminism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feminism. Show all posts
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Views on Feminism
I have been thinking about writing a post about my views on feminism for some time now, and I recently saw a video that related to women/feminism that I wanted to share and write about, so I figured now would be a good time to express my views before sharing that post.
How do you define “feminist”? If “feminist” could simply be defined simply as a person who believes that men and women are equal, then all people in the world should really be feminists. However, the word “feminist” often has different connotations to different people, which leads to different approaches and associations with the word. To some, “feminist” refers to a person who believes that women should try to be like men.
Outline of my views on feminism:
Men and women are equal. The word “equal” seems to confuse people. This does NOT mean that they are the same. When I say men and women are equal, I mean that they are equal in their value as human beings and deserve to be treated equally and fairly. Again, equal does not mean the same. Sometimes in fact, it is more equal to treat people differently than to treat them the same.
Men and women are different- physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally etc. Men are better than women in some areas, and women are better than men in some areas. If you take a group of men and a group of women, you will find differences. This does not mean that they are not equal, and it also does not mean that you won’t find exceptions.
Why Feminism was needed to begin with:
Two hundred years ago:
1. Women could not vote
2. Women could not be hired for many jobs, were confined to the home, and therefore financially independent on men.
3. Women were abused, and were viewed and treated as sexual objects, a possession to men.
The good news is that Feminism solved some of these issues. The bad news is that not only did it fail to solve some things, it also created new issues.
What Feminism got right:
• Women today have the right to vote. While this may not seem like a huge deal, it really is because in a democracy every person should have a say about who is in charge and making the laws.
• Feminism opened up career opportunities for women. It is a problem for women to be financially dependent on men and not be able to earn a living because all people should be free to make their own choices and be independent. Let’s say a woman is being abused by her husband. If she has no money, then she cannot leave because she will have no way to pay for anything.
• Women today also have more educational opportunities- they can now go to college etc.
What Feminism got wrong:
• In my opinion, the main thing that feminism got wrong is that it kind of messed things up for women in that we took on too much. There are two areas: The work place and the home. It used to be that men were in the work place and women were in the home and everything was evenly split. Then feminists decided to take on women being in the work force, but the problem is that men never took on being in the home more. This creates two problems. The first is women doing twice the amount of work as men, since we have to work and then take care of things at home, where as men just work. And those who “help out” in the home are doing just that- helping out. If work is part of the woman’s domain, then housework should be part of the man’s domain. Secondly, in our society, most homes now need two salaries to pay for things. Feminism got rid of the option for most women of being a housewife. One salary is often not enough. Some women don’t want to work, they prefer being home, but now they need to work because of societal pressure.
• Not all feminists are the same and believe in the same things. Some believe women are superior to men. One thing that some feminists got wrong is that they basically said, “Men have it better. We want to be just like men, and not be women.” That is awful. Hashem created both men and women for a reason and both should be proud to be the gender that they are. There are great things about being a man, and there are great things about being a woman. There are also difficulties that come along with each gender role. Many people today dislike the Feminist movement because it was saying that being a woman is bad and we should just be like men. This type of feminism got it wrong.
• Feminism unfortunately did not completely change the fact that women are viewed as sexual objects. Just take a look at the media, and you’ll see what I mean. I still hope this will change, but it doesn’t seem like it’s going in that direction.
Masculinism?
Feminism made it OK for women to do many things or act in ways that were normally things that men did or ways that men acted. However, I would argue that what the world now needs is a Masculinism movement to even things out. Firstly, it should bring men into the home more, since many men do like to cook and take care of their kids, but socially a man being a “housewife” is not accepted while a woman being a career woman is. The second thing that a potential Masculinist movement could do is demonstrated by the following: If a 3 year old girl starts playing with trucks, everyone thinks that’s fine. If a 3 year old boy started playing with dolls, his parents would be immediately concerned and take the doll away. It needs to be OK for the little boy to play with a doll- no, it doesn’t mean he’s gay. It also needs to be OK for men to be able to express their emotions. Socially it is unacceptable for a man to cry in public. That is a problem.
Feminism did a lot for women, but now things are unevenly split. Women have to be superwomen and do everything, while all that is expected of men is to make income.
Feminism and Judaism
I could talk about this one for a very long time, and write pages and pages, but for now I will just mention some interesting points.
The main idea is that Judaism/Torah views women and men as equal, but recognizes that they are different and therefore gives them different roles.
The Torah is respectful towards women and Tznius is a great example of this. While Feminism did not solve the problem of women being treated like sexual objects, the mitzvah of Tznius works to correct this issue. The less a woman is wearing, the more those who view her focus on her body and not on her soul. The more modestly that a woman is dressed, the more she is able to be viewed for who she is. The obvious proof of this is: take a look at women who are lawyers or politicians. They are all dressed modestly. Women who want to be taken seriously, who respect themselves dress modestly. Hashem believes each woman is a princess, and each woman should dress like one and behave like one. Just as a note, each man is a prince and should dress and behave like one too.
Torah Judaism and Feminism don’t quite see eye to eye. Feminism is American in that it is about rights- rights for women, women being able to do everything that a man can- whereas Judaism is about obligations. A modern feminist woman who hears that women do not count for a minyan might say, “Why doesn’t a woman count? Women are just as important as men?” If we examine this from the Torah perspective, we discover that women not counting as a minyan is really the Torah being compassionate towards women. Hashem knows that women have to take care of kids and it’s unfair to require women daven with a minyan. This is not a social reality, it is a physical one. A pregnant woman, or a woman who just gave birth cannot go to shul to daven with a minyan, and it would be unfair to command that she must. When a person is not required to do a mitzvah, we can’t always just opt in when we want. The ten men in a minyan are is ten people with the obligation. Women do not have the same status in terms of their obligation, and therefore cannot be a part of.
Another interesting thought is one that my teacher in seminary pointed out. She noted that it is ironic that many of the frum Jews who oppose feminism are the same ones whose households consist of the man learning in Kollel full time and the woman working. This entire model would not be possible without feminism, which is why women are able to be in the work place to begin with. Just an interesting affect of feminism on Jewish life, which I had never thought about.
The last issue I would like to bring up with regards to Judaism and feminism is that I believe unfortunately we sometimes end up being sexist because we confuse feminism with new changes which is against Torah Judaism because it is all about holding on to tradition. Almost all of the teachers who taught me that feminism is evil, are male. When males say things like “Feminism is a bunch of garbage. Why can’t women just be happy with how things are? Why are you trying to change things?” it is very insensitive. It’s almost like a white person telling a black person (and I say black and not “African American” because almost all of the black people I know are not from Africa!) that racism is all in their mind and what is the problem. The Jewish world today is still learning how to deal with the fact that the roles of women have changed in our society. We must hold on to Halacha and never compromise on what is right and wrong because the most important thing is doing what Hashem wants us to do. That being said, we also have to make sure not to confuse something that is Halacha with something that falls into the category of “this is how they did things hundreds of years ago because it reflected the reality for women of that time.” Halacha does not change, but our minhagim adapt to the times we are in.
So to sum up: Feminism brought about a lot of positive changes for women; it also brought about some negative ones.
How do you define “feminist”? If “feminist” could simply be defined simply as a person who believes that men and women are equal, then all people in the world should really be feminists. However, the word “feminist” often has different connotations to different people, which leads to different approaches and associations with the word. To some, “feminist” refers to a person who believes that women should try to be like men.
Outline of my views on feminism:
Men and women are equal. The word “equal” seems to confuse people. This does NOT mean that they are the same. When I say men and women are equal, I mean that they are equal in their value as human beings and deserve to be treated equally and fairly. Again, equal does not mean the same. Sometimes in fact, it is more equal to treat people differently than to treat them the same.
Men and women are different- physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally etc. Men are better than women in some areas, and women are better than men in some areas. If you take a group of men and a group of women, you will find differences. This does not mean that they are not equal, and it also does not mean that you won’t find exceptions.
Why Feminism was needed to begin with:
Two hundred years ago:
1. Women could not vote
2. Women could not be hired for many jobs, were confined to the home, and therefore financially independent on men.
3. Women were abused, and were viewed and treated as sexual objects, a possession to men.
The good news is that Feminism solved some of these issues. The bad news is that not only did it fail to solve some things, it also created new issues.
What Feminism got right:
• Women today have the right to vote. While this may not seem like a huge deal, it really is because in a democracy every person should have a say about who is in charge and making the laws.
• Feminism opened up career opportunities for women. It is a problem for women to be financially dependent on men and not be able to earn a living because all people should be free to make their own choices and be independent. Let’s say a woman is being abused by her husband. If she has no money, then she cannot leave because she will have no way to pay for anything.
• Women today also have more educational opportunities- they can now go to college etc.
What Feminism got wrong:
• In my opinion, the main thing that feminism got wrong is that it kind of messed things up for women in that we took on too much. There are two areas: The work place and the home. It used to be that men were in the work place and women were in the home and everything was evenly split. Then feminists decided to take on women being in the work force, but the problem is that men never took on being in the home more. This creates two problems. The first is women doing twice the amount of work as men, since we have to work and then take care of things at home, where as men just work. And those who “help out” in the home are doing just that- helping out. If work is part of the woman’s domain, then housework should be part of the man’s domain. Secondly, in our society, most homes now need two salaries to pay for things. Feminism got rid of the option for most women of being a housewife. One salary is often not enough. Some women don’t want to work, they prefer being home, but now they need to work because of societal pressure.
• Not all feminists are the same and believe in the same things. Some believe women are superior to men. One thing that some feminists got wrong is that they basically said, “Men have it better. We want to be just like men, and not be women.” That is awful. Hashem created both men and women for a reason and both should be proud to be the gender that they are. There are great things about being a man, and there are great things about being a woman. There are also difficulties that come along with each gender role. Many people today dislike the Feminist movement because it was saying that being a woman is bad and we should just be like men. This type of feminism got it wrong.
• Feminism unfortunately did not completely change the fact that women are viewed as sexual objects. Just take a look at the media, and you’ll see what I mean. I still hope this will change, but it doesn’t seem like it’s going in that direction.
Masculinism?
Feminism made it OK for women to do many things or act in ways that were normally things that men did or ways that men acted. However, I would argue that what the world now needs is a Masculinism movement to even things out. Firstly, it should bring men into the home more, since many men do like to cook and take care of their kids, but socially a man being a “housewife” is not accepted while a woman being a career woman is. The second thing that a potential Masculinist movement could do is demonstrated by the following: If a 3 year old girl starts playing with trucks, everyone thinks that’s fine. If a 3 year old boy started playing with dolls, his parents would be immediately concerned and take the doll away. It needs to be OK for the little boy to play with a doll- no, it doesn’t mean he’s gay. It also needs to be OK for men to be able to express their emotions. Socially it is unacceptable for a man to cry in public. That is a problem.
Feminism did a lot for women, but now things are unevenly split. Women have to be superwomen and do everything, while all that is expected of men is to make income.
Feminism and Judaism
I could talk about this one for a very long time, and write pages and pages, but for now I will just mention some interesting points.
The main idea is that Judaism/Torah views women and men as equal, but recognizes that they are different and therefore gives them different roles.
The Torah is respectful towards women and Tznius is a great example of this. While Feminism did not solve the problem of women being treated like sexual objects, the mitzvah of Tznius works to correct this issue. The less a woman is wearing, the more those who view her focus on her body and not on her soul. The more modestly that a woman is dressed, the more she is able to be viewed for who she is. The obvious proof of this is: take a look at women who are lawyers or politicians. They are all dressed modestly. Women who want to be taken seriously, who respect themselves dress modestly. Hashem believes each woman is a princess, and each woman should dress like one and behave like one. Just as a note, each man is a prince and should dress and behave like one too.
Torah Judaism and Feminism don’t quite see eye to eye. Feminism is American in that it is about rights- rights for women, women being able to do everything that a man can- whereas Judaism is about obligations. A modern feminist woman who hears that women do not count for a minyan might say, “Why doesn’t a woman count? Women are just as important as men?” If we examine this from the Torah perspective, we discover that women not counting as a minyan is really the Torah being compassionate towards women. Hashem knows that women have to take care of kids and it’s unfair to require women daven with a minyan. This is not a social reality, it is a physical one. A pregnant woman, or a woman who just gave birth cannot go to shul to daven with a minyan, and it would be unfair to command that she must. When a person is not required to do a mitzvah, we can’t always just opt in when we want. The ten men in a minyan are is ten people with the obligation. Women do not have the same status in terms of their obligation, and therefore cannot be a part of.
Another interesting thought is one that my teacher in seminary pointed out. She noted that it is ironic that many of the frum Jews who oppose feminism are the same ones whose households consist of the man learning in Kollel full time and the woman working. This entire model would not be possible without feminism, which is why women are able to be in the work place to begin with. Just an interesting affect of feminism on Jewish life, which I had never thought about.
The last issue I would like to bring up with regards to Judaism and feminism is that I believe unfortunately we sometimes end up being sexist because we confuse feminism with new changes which is against Torah Judaism because it is all about holding on to tradition. Almost all of the teachers who taught me that feminism is evil, are male. When males say things like “Feminism is a bunch of garbage. Why can’t women just be happy with how things are? Why are you trying to change things?” it is very insensitive. It’s almost like a white person telling a black person (and I say black and not “African American” because almost all of the black people I know are not from Africa!) that racism is all in their mind and what is the problem. The Jewish world today is still learning how to deal with the fact that the roles of women have changed in our society. We must hold on to Halacha and never compromise on what is right and wrong because the most important thing is doing what Hashem wants us to do. That being said, we also have to make sure not to confuse something that is Halacha with something that falls into the category of “this is how they did things hundreds of years ago because it reflected the reality for women of that time.” Halacha does not change, but our minhagim adapt to the times we are in.
So to sum up: Feminism brought about a lot of positive changes for women; it also brought about some negative ones.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
How much to spend on a first date
I personally don't like it when guys spend money on me on the first date. I mean, who knows how long it's going to last, and especially if it's a one and done, then it's just a waste of money, when just sitting and talking is all that really needs to happen on a first date. A friend of mine is of the opinion that guys are supposed to spend a lot of money on a first date, so she was appropriately impressed when a guy took her to an expensive steak restaurant on a first date where even the cheapest item on the menu was not cheap at all. The idea is that the only way to build a relationship with someone is through giving, so the more a guy gives, the easier it is to build a relationship. So we give of ourselves by taking the time to get dressed up and do our hair and makeup and pick out a special outfit, and the guys are supposed to give to us by spending money.
I have three problems with this. Firstly, I don't think getting dressed up can really be considered investing in a relationship, and that's besides for the fact that I am not into the whole "getting dressed up" thing for a first date. I make sure to look nice, but I don't spend more than 1/2 hour getting ready. I would probably go dressed more casually on first dates if everyone didn't keep looking at me in horror and going, "That's what you're wearing on a first date?!" Therefore if they guy spends money on me, then all the giving is coming from his end, so he'll end up developing feelings for me, while I sit there as a passive recipient without giving very much at all.
Secondly, the first date isn't the time to start working hard and building the relationship, it's the time to just get to know the person and see if you want to build a relationship at all. Wait until a few dates in, when you have seen some sort of potential before wasting money that could be better spent.
The third problem I have with this relates to guys paying at all. One day perhaps I'll write a post on my view on feminism, but suffice it to say that I believe men and women are equal - not the same, but equal, and the short version of the story is that anti-feminists call me feminist and feminists call me anti-feminist- it depends on where you're coming from. Anyway, I don't think it should be automatically assumed that the guys are paying for dates, and I think girls should chip in so that it's equally split. I confess to being a complete a hypocrite in this area, simply because I am afraid that if I offer to chip in for a date then the guy will think I'm a feminist, or he'll think I'm weird for not sticking to standard social protocol, and I don't want to make him all flustered and confused and not know what to do. And also because the few times I have felt comfortable offering to pay or chip in, the guys refuse to let me pay, which they are told to do. I heard that guys are told to say no to girls who offer to chip in, since many girls are just testing guys and even though they offer to pay, they actually don't mean it and expect the guy to be all chivalrous and insist on paying for them. But they offer because then at least they appear as though they are being nice. Obviously I think that's ridiculous, and none should make offers they don't intend on following up on (Emor Miat V'Aseh Harbeh, anyone?).
I also think it depends on the situation. If the girl working and the guy is still in school or learning, why should he pay if she's making more money? Or if both people are in school and it's clearly their parents paying, why should his parents be the one paying? Don't worry, I feel the same way when it comes to weddings- I don't think it should be automatically assumed that the girls side is the main contributor. I think it should be evenly split, but that I think depends on the two sides and what agreement they come to.
Some suggest that men want to pay for the date because they need to be manly and their manhood would be offended if the woman paid for the date. However, we no longer live in a world where the men provide the main source of income. In many couples, especially ones where the guy is in kollel, the female brings home the bulk of the income. Why should a girl who wants to be a kollel wife wait until marriage to support a man's learning when she can do so by chipping in on a date? The main problem with this way of thinking is that the guy is the one planning the date, so it's not fair to ask a girl to chip in just cause the guy decided to take the girl some place fancy. I can just see where this is going, "Let's go out for steak...but you can pay." Perhaps if they made the decision together of where to go it would be more logical to ask the girl to chip in. If a guy decides to take me to a fancy restaurant where even the cheapest item on the menu is expensive, then I would not offer to chip in, since if it was my choice he wouldn't have to spend any money on me at all.
Back to my original question, I know that if I was a guy, I would not want to spend money on a first date that potentially leads no where. So when guys spend money on me I always feel bad. On my very first first date, the guy took me somewhere where he didn't spend a cent and I was so thrilled! Some guys have bought me something to drink on a date, which I thought was nice- if you feel like you have to spend some kind of money on me, then at least let it be something small- a dollar or two or three, and not more than that.
So, girls: Do you like it/not like it when guys spend money on you on the first date? Would you offer to chip in, or never c"vs you should be labeled feminist or weird or and never get a shidduch?
Guys: How much would you spend on a first date? Would you be weirded out/ would you find your manhood at risk if a girl offered to split the cost, or would you be thrilled and find it refreshing?
I have three problems with this. Firstly, I don't think getting dressed up can really be considered investing in a relationship, and that's besides for the fact that I am not into the whole "getting dressed up" thing for a first date. I make sure to look nice, but I don't spend more than 1/2 hour getting ready. I would probably go dressed more casually on first dates if everyone didn't keep looking at me in horror and going, "That's what you're wearing on a first date?!" Therefore if they guy spends money on me, then all the giving is coming from his end, so he'll end up developing feelings for me, while I sit there as a passive recipient without giving very much at all.
Secondly, the first date isn't the time to start working hard and building the relationship, it's the time to just get to know the person and see if you want to build a relationship at all. Wait until a few dates in, when you have seen some sort of potential before wasting money that could be better spent.
The third problem I have with this relates to guys paying at all. One day perhaps I'll write a post on my view on feminism, but suffice it to say that I believe men and women are equal - not the same, but equal, and the short version of the story is that anti-feminists call me feminist and feminists call me anti-feminist- it depends on where you're coming from. Anyway, I don't think it should be automatically assumed that the guys are paying for dates, and I think girls should chip in so that it's equally split. I confess to being a complete a hypocrite in this area, simply because I am afraid that if I offer to chip in for a date then the guy will think I'm a feminist, or he'll think I'm weird for not sticking to standard social protocol, and I don't want to make him all flustered and confused and not know what to do. And also because the few times I have felt comfortable offering to pay or chip in, the guys refuse to let me pay, which they are told to do. I heard that guys are told to say no to girls who offer to chip in, since many girls are just testing guys and even though they offer to pay, they actually don't mean it and expect the guy to be all chivalrous and insist on paying for them. But they offer because then at least they appear as though they are being nice. Obviously I think that's ridiculous, and none should make offers they don't intend on following up on (Emor Miat V'Aseh Harbeh, anyone?).
I also think it depends on the situation. If the girl working and the guy is still in school or learning, why should he pay if she's making more money? Or if both people are in school and it's clearly their parents paying, why should his parents be the one paying? Don't worry, I feel the same way when it comes to weddings- I don't think it should be automatically assumed that the girls side is the main contributor. I think it should be evenly split, but that I think depends on the two sides and what agreement they come to.
Some suggest that men want to pay for the date because they need to be manly and their manhood would be offended if the woman paid for the date. However, we no longer live in a world where the men provide the main source of income. In many couples, especially ones where the guy is in kollel, the female brings home the bulk of the income. Why should a girl who wants to be a kollel wife wait until marriage to support a man's learning when she can do so by chipping in on a date? The main problem with this way of thinking is that the guy is the one planning the date, so it's not fair to ask a girl to chip in just cause the guy decided to take the girl some place fancy. I can just see where this is going, "Let's go out for steak...but you can pay." Perhaps if they made the decision together of where to go it would be more logical to ask the girl to chip in. If a guy decides to take me to a fancy restaurant where even the cheapest item on the menu is expensive, then I would not offer to chip in, since if it was my choice he wouldn't have to spend any money on me at all.
Back to my original question, I know that if I was a guy, I would not want to spend money on a first date that potentially leads no where. So when guys spend money on me I always feel bad. On my very first first date, the guy took me somewhere where he didn't spend a cent and I was so thrilled! Some guys have bought me something to drink on a date, which I thought was nice- if you feel like you have to spend some kind of money on me, then at least let it be something small- a dollar or two or three, and not more than that.
So, girls: Do you like it/not like it when guys spend money on you on the first date? Would you offer to chip in, or never c"vs you should be labeled feminist or weird or and never get a shidduch?
Guys: How much would you spend on a first date? Would you be weirded out/ would you find your manhood at risk if a girl offered to split the cost, or would you be thrilled and find it refreshing?
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