Disney Princesses

I grew up watching Disney movies. When I was little, I watched the older classics, like Snow White, Beauty and the Beast, Cinderella. I even remember when Aladdin came out, and watching Pocahontas in a movie theater. My childhood was all about rooting for the good guys, waiting for the evil villains to meet their end, being scared at the scary parts, crying at the sad parts, and laughing at the funny parts. Singing along with all of those songs was a favorite pastime of mine as well.

Mostly these movies have great lessons. Beauty and the Beast teaches us not to judge a book by its cover, Cinderella teaches us never to give up hope because magic can happen even to the girl who becomes a maid and is ordered around be all. Even she can find true love and be swept away by a prince. Aladdin has a similar message in the reverse- a poor boy can have his wishes granted and marry a princess, as long as he learns not to lie along the way. The little mermaid teaches us that we can marry someone who is different than we are (though all of my teachers used to say how this movie was bad because it encourages intermarriage.)

Although I enjoyed Disney movies, I never wanted to be a Disney princess. None of them are very intelligent, at least not in the earlier movies, and they do not have much personality. They are weak, passive characters who cry every time something doesn’t go their way instead of facing situations with determination, courage and strength. The only character like this was Mulan, which was made later on, and who I must point out pretended to be a man for half the movie. Not exactly the best female role models.

Despite the good lessons, these fairy tale movies also give us unrealistic views on how life works, such as that everything always ends up happily ever after. They also teach us completely wrong ideas about love and romance, as portrayed by this video I found that is hilarious, yet so scarily true about the messages that Disney sends. Enjoy!

How to Make A Guy Like You- Disney Princess Style




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101 Reasons Why I Want to Get Married

Editor's Note, March 3, 2011:

It is clear to me now that this post has been somewhat misunderstood, and so I would like to reiterate that there are many things on this list that are here simply to be humorous, (for example, #41 Social pressure)

I wrote this list for fun, and I hope you, my readers, can read it in that spirit. I truly did not mean to offend anyone and I apologize if I did so, but as this was a fun exercise, I stand by my work in the spirit in which I wrote it. Thank you.

~SternGrad

I was trying to think of a good list of 101 things for my 101st post. I had been thinking of writing a post about reasons why I would like to get married, and figured this would be a good challenge. But I wasn’t sure I could think of 101 reasons. That is a lot of reasons after all. Then I remembered how someone told one of my friends that the reason she wasn’t married is because she didn’t want to get married enough. “Ein davar Haomed mipnei Haratzon,” nothing stands in the way of desire, right? I think that if I have 101 reasons, then I must want to get married enough. So, for post #101 I present you with: 101 Reasons Why I Want to Get Married

Before you read this post, I suggest you try coming up with as many reasons as you can to get married or if you’re already married, reasons you are glad you are married. It is pretty hard to get to 101! The first time I sat down to do this, I came up with 50 reasons off the top of my head, and the rest took some thinking. The truth is that only about 10 or 15 of these reasons are the real, true, deep, serious, sincere reasons that I would like to get married, and you might not even be able to guess which ones those are, because I think every person is motivated by different things.

Some of the reasons are serious, some are meant to be humorous, some are ridiculous, and others are terrible reasons to get married, especially if that was your only reason. And sure, you could argue that some of them I could do while I’m still single, but marriage makes them easier/better/more fun.

I would also like to add that if I were to make a list of “Reasons why I love my life right now,” it would be much, much, much more than 101, and in case it is not obvious, loving my current life as a single, and sincerely wanting to get married are not mutually exclusive.

With that nice introduction, here they are:

101 Reasons to Get Married

1. Because Hashem wants me to get married (even though there is no Halachic requirement for women to get married, I would argue that a Torah lifestyle encourages it.)
2. So that I can host guests ( I mean, I do that now, but it’s not quite the same)
3. To experience true love/ to be in love
4. To always be with someone I love
5. To be with someone who loves me
6. To give to someone more than I give in any other relationship
7. To be able to make someone happy by just being with them
8. To live with someone who I chose and who chose me (unlike family which we’re born with and don’t get to pick), and I have committed to spend the rest of my life with and vica versa (unlike friends or roommates who might come and go)
9. To have someone special to cook for
10. Someone to clean for (you know I must love you if I clean up after you.)
11. So that I don’t have to be alone/ I have someone to be with
12. Someone to go on walks with
13. Someone to open cans/jars
14. Someone to take out the garbage
15. Someone to kill/ get rid of bugs (although I can totally see myself ending up with someone who is more afraid of bugs than I am, and when I’m around people like that I magically find the ability to get rid of them myself.)
16. Someone to get rid of rodents (Yes, I am scared of mice.)
17. To have kids/ a family
18. Because it will make my parents happy to see me happy
19. Because my grandparents have told me they want great-grandkids
20. For my siblings who want a brother-in-law, and nieces/nephews
21. Because I would really like to get married before my younger sister who is approaching the time in her life when she will be ready to start dating
22. Because I love family, and when you get married you get more family members- aunts, uncles, cousins…
23. To move out of the New York area (particularly to Israel. Even though I could do this on my own, most of my friends and family live in the New York area and I wouldn’t want to leave them and move somewhere all by myself.)
24. So I can live in a house. Much more spacious than in an apartment, but what would I do with all that space all by myself?
25. Because marriage is good for spiritual growth
26. Because covering my hair will be awesome on 3 day yontifs and bad hair days!
27. To never have to worry about straightening my hair ever again
28. I love Mitzvos- there are more mitzvos to keep when married
29. To find a new closest best friend
30. For the new dishes and all the presents that come along with getting married
31. To be complete and not like I’m missing half my soul
32. To share every aspect of my life with someone
33. Money- two salaries are better than one
34. So people will stop feeling bad for me/ giving me looks of pity
35. So I can avoid the awkwardness that comes after comments such as, “You’re single? Oh, I hated being single, I’m glad that’s over. Dating was terrible.” (Um, what do you say to that one?)
36. Someone to sing with/to sing zemirot with/someone to do harmony with
37. Because weddings are so much fun
38. Because vorts/ engagement parties are so much fun
39. Because bridal showers are not fun unless you are the bride
40. Physical Intimacy
41. Social pressure- it’s what society wants from me
42. To build a home where the shechina can rest- i.e. a Bayit Neeman Biyisrael
43. Curiosity- because I’m so curious what the person I’m going to end up with will be like. (Will he be outgoing or quiet? Short or tall?)
44. “Tovim Hashnaim min haechad” - two are better than one, can accomplish more than one
45. Because Hashem said that לא טוב היות אדם לבדו
46. To have the Ezer Kinegdo Relationship
47. Because research studies show that married people are happier
48. To better understand the concept of Ahavat Hashem. The relationship of B’nei Yisrael to Hashem is compared to husband and wife
49. To better understand Shir Hashirim
50. To have kids and understand how Hashem relates to us as a parent
51. So that I never have to go on an awkward first date ever again!
52. No more singles Shabbatons
53. So that I never again have to get rejected after what I thought was a good date
54. So that no one will call me “picky”
55. No more dating drama
56. No more shadchanim who think that just because he is a Jewish guy and I am a Jewish girl we have enough in common to get married
57. To see Hashem’s hashgacha in my life- it’s a miracle to find that one in a million
58. To be able to thank Hashem for answering my Tefillot
59. To have a marriage anniversary- just another occasion to celebrate- and to receive gifts!
60. So when creepy guys hit on me in the subway I can say things like “my husband would not be too happy about this…” (I could do that now, but I’m not a good liar)
61. To finally be able to see shtick that guys do at weddings!! I can never see over all the women who push to the front so I have no clue what kind of cool things go on.
62. So I can always been sincerely happy when others get engaged and married instead of feeling “When will that be me?”
63. So I can start this next stage of my life
64. So that I won’t end up being an old maid
65. It’s the cool thing to do
66. I love proposal stories and can’t wait for the day when it’s a reality and I can stop dreaming about my own
67. I love stories about how couples met, and can’t wait to have my own of those, too.
68. To have someone around to fix broken things- guys are handy
69. To be with someone who inspires me, someone for me to inspire
70. To be “Mrs.”
71. To have an extra hand to help my father build the Sukkah
72. Someone (else) to sit with my father in shul
73. To have someone who can be chazan and sing my favorite tunes
74. Because going to a restaurant by yourself is pathetic, and going with a friend is just not the same thing as with a spouse.
75. Because life is more fun when it is experienced with someone else
76. To be on onlysimchas.com
77. To change my status on Facebook to “married”
78. To rekindle old friendships- somehow when you get engaged/married, people come out of nowhere to wish you Mazel Tov
79. Someone to travel the world with
80. To have a place that I call “home” that is not my parents house (I try to call my current apartment “home,” but it just doesn’t stick. Although I suppose in some sense my parents’ house will just always be home.)
81. Because when I see parents who mistreat their children in public (such as on the subway) I long to prove that I will be a better parent than that
82. Because I like to see things from different perspectives and guys think very differently than girls
83. To have deep meaningful conversations
84. To be able to learn more Torah. Let’s face it, guys know more Torah than girls because they have a Mitzvah to learn Torah. I hope he’ll share some of that knowledge with me. (“Hey honey, guess what I learned today?”)
85. So I can stop worrying, “What if I never get married? What if there is no one out there for me?”
86. So I can be a shadchan and set people up
87. So my single friends can use me as their “married friend” reference
88. Two words: Diamond Ring. (Actually, I personally dislike jewelry, and wish I didn’t have to wear a ring when the time comes, but I know if I don’t then I’ll spend my life answering the people who ask me why I’m not wearing one. I felt like I had to put this on for all the people who were thinking it.)
89. To have someone to look good for (note: I mainly look good for myself. But it would be nice to have someone else to appreciate it, too.)
90. So I can eat whatever I want without having to worry that I might *gasp* gain a few pounds
91. A great way to lose weight- to have someone to give half the bag of M & M's to
92. Marriage = Sharing. Sharing = Caring.
93. It’s a great excuse for being antisocial
94. Someone to help shovel the snow. Women are just not as strong as men. (Ok, at least I’m not)
95. Someone to shop for- I’ve never bought a tie!
96. To learn new things- like how to tie a tie. (OK, *you* try coming up with101 reasons…)
97. Someone to argue with every now and then. Resolving conflict is so satisfying. Shalom Bayit takes work, but the end results seem to be amazing.
98. So that I’ll understand things like why newly married friends fall off the face of the planet (As in, “When you’re married, you’ll understand.)
99. Because when I look at my parents, and my grandparents, who are so in love and such great role models of what a good marriage should be, I wish that I had what they have.
100. Because true love is a powerful emotion, that I believe has the power to change a person
101. Because I am impatient and I’m waiting...

Now that you have read the list:
• Any reasons that I missed? Any other reasons you can think of?
• Pick 3-5 that you would say rank pretty high on your list




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The System

Despite complaints directed against the shidduch system, I recently had an experience that reminded me of its advantages. I was talking to a co-worker who is a non-religious Jew, and she was telling me about the guy she is dating. She explained that although she likes him a lot, she knows he is not the right person for her, and she does not want to marry him. For those wondering why she was dating him at al, it had been clear from other conversations as well that she was just dating him for fun- she liked him, she enjoyed spending time with him etc. When I asked her why she would not marry him despite her feelings for him, she paused and responded that they have different values and went on to elaborate a few areas in which he did not share her outlooks on issues that were important to her.

The conversation reminded me why the process of finding out important information about a potential date before dating is a good system. If you’re dating because you want to find a life partner, it is important to first make sure you are basically on the same page as a person. Because if you don’t do it that way, then you end up meeting someone, developing serious romantic feelings for them, and by the time you realize that he’s headed in one direction and you are headed the opposite way, you end up with a painful break up. I guess, if you’re only looking for fun and not marriage, then why not go out with anyone who you get along with and are attracted to? In the case of my coworker, (or those like her) I think she is started to reach the point where she is done having fun and ready for a serious relationship, but is so used to just dating people she is interested in without checking out the important stuff early on in the process. That’s the problem with dating for marriage outside the shidduch system.

On the other hand, one problem with the shidduch system,(which I also wrote about here) is that at times, too much emphasis is placed on compatibility on the values level and not enough on the “do these two people get along” level. Or not necessarily too much emphasis on values, but rather emphasis on the wrong values, or on small details that people pretend are values. This video which I have recently seen posted in a number of places and has been emailed to me by a number of friends is a humorous demonstration of how extreme it can be. For example, people have suggested guys for me whose parents are divorced, and they made sure to tell me that in advance. Things like that (that is just an example) slightly bother me because they are not make-it or break-it items, as opposed to factors such as religious level/observance or the type of lifestyle that they would like to have. One might argue that a person whose parents are divorced is probably negatively affected by that and/or perhaps have not had a positive model for a healthy romantic relationship.

To that I respond that if that is the case, we should also be asking about whether a person has had any traumatic experiences that might affect their future relationships, such as being abused by a teacher or being bullied as a child or every single negative. Perhaps some people do ask about those things. In which case I wonder: Are all of those whose lives aren’t perfect (by certain standards, anyway), which describes most people because such is life, doomed to never get married? My decision to go on a date with someone is not based on if their parents are divorced, or what their cousins do for a living. Nor is it based on what happened to them on the second day of school in fifth grade or how many times they blinked when they were two weeks old.

Despite the flaws of the shidduch system, namely that people can get carried away in attributing importance to small details, luckily most people I have personally encountered are pretty reasonable, and my conversation with my coworker was a good reminder that the system is at least good in theory. Before you develop feelings and become invested in a relationship that you hope will lead towards marriage, it is good to make sure your basic values are the same. Once you know you’re headed in the same direction, you can meet up and figure out whether you would like to head in that direction together.

For Papa, for Mama

There is a line in the Fiddler on the Roof song “Matchmaker,” (a song which, as a side point, I do not particular like for a number of reasons) where the daughters dream about the young man they hope to end up with, that goes:

“For Papa, make him a scholar, for Mama, make him rich as a king…”

I couldn’t help but think about this line as I was on one particular date, and while I was listening to the guy talk all I could think about was how much my parents would like him because he had certain characteristics, and how certain of my siblings would like him for various other characteristics. There was a particular activity that he enjoyed that my father enjoys as well, and I could picture my father’s face lighting up were I to tell him I was dating a guy who liked such things. For some reason, however, I just didn’t like the guy myself. Just to set the record straight, I really tried to like him.

This got me thinking about how fortunate I am to be very close with my parents and to see eye to eye with them in most areas. Their opinion is very valuable to me, and I can’t imagine ever marrying someone who they did not approve of. They are very supportive of me and they trust my judgment, so if there was someone who I liked that much, I think they would probably like that person too. Even though some use marriage as another way of rebelling against their parents, I am quite the opposite and every time I date a guy I think about how he would fit into my family. Finding the right person is not just about finding someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with and who wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but someone who my family wants to spend the rest of their lives with too.

Interestingly, the situation has never happened in reverse. I don’t think I’ve ever dated a guy who I liked, but who I thought my parents would disapprove of. Probably this is because my parents are not pressuring and have never, ever told me something that they want or expect of the guy I marry, so long as I am happy. When I say I thought my parents would like the guy I mentioned before (even though I did not) I mean that I know them well enough to know that even though they insist they will be happy with any guy I choose (and who chooses me), there are still certain personalities and certain types of guys that I know they would get along with better than others.

So when I met a guy who I thought they would like, I was determined to give it a chance. But I realized that when it comes down to it, there is a certain point where you shouldn't be trying quite that hard. I’m the one marrying the guy, and not them, so even though they get stuck with whoever I choose, my opinion matters the most. Even though he might have been good “for papa” and “for mama,” the rest of the song continues with the words “for me,” and that is equally important to consider. But the point is that it is equal, it is not just about me. Now I just have to find someone who fits both the “for papa, for mama” and the “for me.”

Prayer

A while ago I purchased a small book of Tefillot that deeply affected me called "The Gentle Weapon," which has beautiful prayers complied from the teachings of Rebbe Nachman of Breslov. I wanted to share two of the amazing prayers with you that are in this book, one is about life, and the other is for others to find their a soul mate.

Learning Life's Lessons

Dear G-d,
Let my heart grasp
the profound wisdom
with which you created the world.
Help me understand
that life's difficulties
are in fact her opportunities;
life's endings
are also her beginnings;
life's disappointments
are her finest teachers.


A Soul Mate

O loving G-d,
so many in Your world
live without
true love,
so many
cannot find
their soul mate.
Have mercy on them.
O Source of all love,
let every lonely and incomplete soul
know the wholeness of being
that comes
when one finds
one's true love.

Just the Way You Are

There’s a song which I admit I only know because it was at the end of the movie Shrek, (back from when I watched movies) that goes, “Don't go changing, to try and please me, You never let me down before…I love you just the way you are.” The song was composed by Billy Joel, and yes, I had to look that up cause I had no clue, so I apologize if any of you are Billy Joel fans and you can now shake your heads at me disapprovingly. Anyway, I was thinking about the words to this song when I was thinking about how a number of my friends and people who I know go on diets and start to lose weight before they started dating. Some of the friends were very overweight, but other friends were not really overweight, they just were not skinny. They never tried to lose weight, but just as they entered shidduchim they decided it was time to start.

I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, most people find overweight people to be less attractive, and guys will pick girls who are skinnier over those who are heavier. So why not do what you can to increase your chances of getting a shidduch? On the other hand, isn’t it supposed to be like the song says- “I love you just the way you are”? Should a person change themselves for someone else? This side of the argument has two aspects. Firstly, isn’t it wrong to change yourself for someone else and shouldn’t they love you just the way you are? Beauty is the eye of the beholder, and some people are attracted to those who are a little heavy- I can name plenty of overweight people who are married and were overweight their entire lives, even on their wedding day- both guys and girls.

Secondly, the bottom line is that many people who lose weight often gain it back. So I feel like that’s almost “tricking” the guy in some sense. Now they are skinny so the guy falls in love with them, but after the wedding they’ll probably go back to being overweight, and it's too late, the guy already married them, so he's "stuck" with them. I guess the thought process is that after you know a person and love them for who they are, then if they change physically you see past that and still remember how beautiful they were when you met them, so if they are overweight now you’ll still be attracted to them, because your love is so strong. But when you first meet you need that attraction in order to develop the relationship, so looks matter more.

I think the general view of people who lose weight before they start dating is that it’s a good thing. But what about other changes for the sake of getting married? Where is the line between what’s Ok to change for getting married and what changes need to come from you and be about your personal decision to change regardless of whether it will help you get married or not?

For example: Let’s say a guy decides to start going to minyan every day or starts learning every day so that when people ask him if he is Kovea Itim or if he goes to Minyan he can say yes? Let’s say a girl decides to start dressing more Tzniusdic to attract a certain type of guy? Let’s say a guy is completely not shomer negiah but decides to become shomer for dating? I know I would not want to date a guy like that! Let’s say someone quits smoking or stops watching TV?

I think that if any of those things have been a goal on your list of things that you’d like to accomplish, then perhaps using dating as a chance to be the person you want to be or as an incentive to improve yourself in the areas you wanted to change before, then that might be acceptable. If you always wanted to lose weight, and trying to look good for dates is the extra push you needed, then great! But if you never wanted to give up those things, if you’re only doing it to impress people, then it’s not real, and you’re just going to go back to your real self later, so don’t be fake. Because in the end you’ll be resentful that you have to maintain a certain lifestyle that you never really wanted.

Another thing to think about is the line “I love you just the way you are.” When I first heard the line, although it sounded beautiful, I was also thinking that if a guy ever said that to me I would say, “But what if I change? Does that mean you won’t love me anymore?” Does “I love you just the way you are” mean I love you only the way you are? People change. I look back at who I was a few years ago and I was such a different person then. There is always a part of you that stays the same, but how couples have to realize the fact that who they are when they get married is not going to be the same in 50 years, or maybe even in 5 years. In some ways it’s more beautiful to say, “I love you just the way you are, but my love is unconditional and I’ll love you even if you change.”

I remember when it was towards the end of my year in Israel, and I had changed as a person in ways that I never even considered. I had expected to grow religiously, and I did, but my personality changed, too, and I wasn’t expecting that. I remember a phone conversation with my parents where I expressed my worry that maybe they wouldn’t like the new me. I still remember them telling me that they love to watch me change and they are always happy with each new person I become.

So: What do you think? What changes are OK to make solely for the sake of dating and which things are not? When is it OK to change for someone else? How do you reconcile the idea of loving someone for who they are with the idea of loving someone no matter who they become?

What would you give up for love?

Some say the shidduch system doesn’t work because it’s backwards. In secular American society, couples meet each other first and get to know each other (I’ll refer to this as “the person”) and only then, after they’ve determined that they like each other, do they discuss their beliefs, outlooks, perspectives on the world (I’ll refer to this as “the paper”). In the shidduch world, we look at the paper first and then the person. Here’s my question: Let’s say you found someone and you were in love and you wanted to marry them- the person, but didn’t know so much about what they believe- the paper. What would you give up to be with that person?

I mean, isn’t marriage about giving and compromise? We ask all of these questions which seem to be perfectly reasonable, but when you think about them, if those one or two issues were the only thing standing in your way between a life of love, happiness and marriage, and a life of being alone, would you really let those issues stand in the way? Isn't the most important question, "Do I want to spend every day, every hour, every second of my life with this person? Do I want to build a life with this person?" If you found someone who you enjoyed spending time with and understood you, and who you admired etc, what would you be willing to give up to be with them? More specifically, would you give up on:

1. Place to live: What happened to the idea that as long as you’re with your true love then it doesn’t matter where you are? If you were in love, wouldn’t you move to the middle of nowhere (for those who claim to refuse to live outside of the New York area) or to New York/Brooklyn (for those who claim to refuse to live in the New York area)? Would you really pass up on love for this one or would you try to compromise?

2. Family: Let’s say the person doesn’t have the best family for any number of reasons- you just don’t get along, different background then yours, whatever it is. Is that enough to deter you? You love someone, but have an issue their family so that’s the end of it?

3. TV: If you watch TV, would you give it up for true love? If you don’t watch TV, you wouldn’t be OK with your spouse doing so? “I love you, but we can’t spend the rest of our lives together happily ever after because I don’t want our kids to watch TV?”

4. Education: If they are the right one, does it really matter where they went to school? Of if they don’t have as high of a degree as you?

5. Working vs. learning/kollel. Girls: If you fell in love with someone who wanted to learn and you wanted someone with a job, or if you want someone who will learn and he wants to get a job, wouldn’t you try to make it work, - maybe he could agree to work for a few years or you could live a different lifestyle than you imagined. Wouldn’t you rather be happy? Guys- if you want to learn- you wouldn’t get a job for the woman you love? You wouldn’t sit and learn- maybe for a few years for the right girl?

These are just examples, I’m sure there are more things you can think of that you’d give up. Yet all these questions are commonly asked (or at least some people ask some of them). I understand that these questions are indicative of other things. Perhaps people assume that if it’s a bad family, it’s something in the genes and maybe their kids will end up that way. TV, earner vs. learner, education, location, these are all indicative of the type of life style you want to lead, how you envision your future and your life.

Compare and contrast with: If you were in love with someone, but they didn’t believe in Hashem or keep Halacha, would you marry them anyway? No. I don’t think you would, and I don’t think you should. It’s too big. You can’t marry someone on a completely different page than you.

You might say, “So now what? If we don’t ask these questions, why not just go out with anyone? How do we differentiate one potential date from the next?” My answer is: What if shadchanim tried to set people up more based on personalities and if two people would get along? Granted this is harder because it requires knowing the person and not the paper and that takes time, but what if we shifted the focus from the paper to the person? Which of those things (or others) would you give up?