101 Reasons Why I Want to Get Married

Editor's Note, March 3, 2011:

It is clear to me now that this post has been somewhat misunderstood, and so I would like to reiterate that there are many things on this list that are here simply to be humorous, (for example, #41 Social pressure)

I wrote this list for fun, and I hope you, my readers, can read it in that spirit. I truly did not mean to offend anyone and I apologize if I did so, but as this was a fun exercise, I stand by my work in the spirit in which I wrote it. Thank you.

~SternGrad

I was trying to think of a good list of 101 things for my 101st post. I had been thinking of writing a post about reasons why I would like to get married, and figured this would be a good challenge. But I wasn’t sure I could think of 101 reasons. That is a lot of reasons after all. Then I remembered how someone told one of my friends that the reason she wasn’t married is because she didn’t want to get married enough. “Ein davar Haomed mipnei Haratzon,” nothing stands in the way of desire, right? I think that if I have 101 reasons, then I must want to get married enough. So, for post #101 I present you with: 101 Reasons Why I Want to Get Married

Before you read this post, I suggest you try coming up with as many reasons as you can to get married or if you’re already married, reasons you are glad you are married. It is pretty hard to get to 101! The first time I sat down to do this, I came up with 50 reasons off the top of my head, and the rest took some thinking. The truth is that only about 10 or 15 of these reasons are the real, true, deep, serious, sincere reasons that I would like to get married, and you might not even be able to guess which ones those are, because I think every person is motivated by different things.

Some of the reasons are serious, some are meant to be humorous, some are ridiculous, and others are terrible reasons to get married, especially if that was your only reason. And sure, you could argue that some of them I could do while I’m still single, but marriage makes them easier/better/more fun.

I would also like to add that if I were to make a list of “Reasons why I love my life right now,” it would be much, much, much more than 101, and in case it is not obvious, loving my current life as a single, and sincerely wanting to get married are not mutually exclusive.

With that nice introduction, here they are:

101 Reasons to Get Married

1. Because Hashem wants me to get married (even though there is no Halachic requirement for women to get married, I would argue that a Torah lifestyle encourages it.)
2. So that I can host guests ( I mean, I do that now, but it’s not quite the same)
3. To experience true love/ to be in love
4. To always be with someone I love
5. To be with someone who loves me
6. To give to someone more than I give in any other relationship
7. To be able to make someone happy by just being with them
8. To live with someone who I chose and who chose me (unlike family which we’re born with and don’t get to pick), and I have committed to spend the rest of my life with and vica versa (unlike friends or roommates who might come and go)
9. To have someone special to cook for
10. Someone to clean for (you know I must love you if I clean up after you.)
11. So that I don’t have to be alone/ I have someone to be with
12. Someone to go on walks with
13. Someone to open cans/jars
14. Someone to take out the garbage
15. Someone to kill/ get rid of bugs (although I can totally see myself ending up with someone who is more afraid of bugs than I am, and when I’m around people like that I magically find the ability to get rid of them myself.)
16. Someone to get rid of rodents (Yes, I am scared of mice.)
17. To have kids/ a family
18. Because it will make my parents happy to see me happy
19. Because my grandparents have told me they want great-grandkids
20. For my siblings who want a brother-in-law, and nieces/nephews
21. Because I would really like to get married before my younger sister who is approaching the time in her life when she will be ready to start dating
22. Because I love family, and when you get married you get more family members- aunts, uncles, cousins…
23. To move out of the New York area (particularly to Israel. Even though I could do this on my own, most of my friends and family live in the New York area and I wouldn’t want to leave them and move somewhere all by myself.)
24. So I can live in a house. Much more spacious than in an apartment, but what would I do with all that space all by myself?
25. Because marriage is good for spiritual growth
26. Because covering my hair will be awesome on 3 day yontifs and bad hair days!
27. To never have to worry about straightening my hair ever again
28. I love Mitzvos- there are more mitzvos to keep when married
29. To find a new closest best friend
30. For the new dishes and all the presents that come along with getting married
31. To be complete and not like I’m missing half my soul
32. To share every aspect of my life with someone
33. Money- two salaries are better than one
34. So people will stop feeling bad for me/ giving me looks of pity
35. So I can avoid the awkwardness that comes after comments such as, “You’re single? Oh, I hated being single, I’m glad that’s over. Dating was terrible.” (Um, what do you say to that one?)
36. Someone to sing with/to sing zemirot with/someone to do harmony with
37. Because weddings are so much fun
38. Because vorts/ engagement parties are so much fun
39. Because bridal showers are not fun unless you are the bride
40. Physical Intimacy
41. Social pressure- it’s what society wants from me
42. To build a home where the shechina can rest- i.e. a Bayit Neeman Biyisrael
43. Curiosity- because I’m so curious what the person I’m going to end up with will be like. (Will he be outgoing or quiet? Short or tall?)
44. “Tovim Hashnaim min haechad” - two are better than one, can accomplish more than one
45. Because Hashem said that לא טוב היות אדם לבדו
46. To have the Ezer Kinegdo Relationship
47. Because research studies show that married people are happier
48. To better understand the concept of Ahavat Hashem. The relationship of B’nei Yisrael to Hashem is compared to husband and wife
49. To better understand Shir Hashirim
50. To have kids and understand how Hashem relates to us as a parent
51. So that I never have to go on an awkward first date ever again!
52. No more singles Shabbatons
53. So that I never again have to get rejected after what I thought was a good date
54. So that no one will call me “picky”
55. No more dating drama
56. No more shadchanim who think that just because he is a Jewish guy and I am a Jewish girl we have enough in common to get married
57. To see Hashem’s hashgacha in my life- it’s a miracle to find that one in a million
58. To be able to thank Hashem for answering my Tefillot
59. To have a marriage anniversary- just another occasion to celebrate- and to receive gifts!
60. So when creepy guys hit on me in the subway I can say things like “my husband would not be too happy about this…” (I could do that now, but I’m not a good liar)
61. To finally be able to see shtick that guys do at weddings!! I can never see over all the women who push to the front so I have no clue what kind of cool things go on.
62. So I can always been sincerely happy when others get engaged and married instead of feeling “When will that be me?”
63. So I can start this next stage of my life
64. So that I won’t end up being an old maid
65. It’s the cool thing to do
66. I love proposal stories and can’t wait for the day when it’s a reality and I can stop dreaming about my own
67. I love stories about how couples met, and can’t wait to have my own of those, too.
68. To have someone around to fix broken things- guys are handy
69. To be with someone who inspires me, someone for me to inspire
70. To be “Mrs.”
71. To have an extra hand to help my father build the Sukkah
72. Someone (else) to sit with my father in shul
73. To have someone who can be chazan and sing my favorite tunes
74. Because going to a restaurant by yourself is pathetic, and going with a friend is just not the same thing as with a spouse.
75. Because life is more fun when it is experienced with someone else
76. To be on onlysimchas.com
77. To change my status on Facebook to “married”
78. To rekindle old friendships- somehow when you get engaged/married, people come out of nowhere to wish you Mazel Tov
79. Someone to travel the world with
80. To have a place that I call “home” that is not my parents house (I try to call my current apartment “home,” but it just doesn’t stick. Although I suppose in some sense my parents’ house will just always be home.)
81. Because when I see parents who mistreat their children in public (such as on the subway) I long to prove that I will be a better parent than that
82. Because I like to see things from different perspectives and guys think very differently than girls
83. To have deep meaningful conversations
84. To be able to learn more Torah. Let’s face it, guys know more Torah than girls because they have a Mitzvah to learn Torah. I hope he’ll share some of that knowledge with me. (“Hey honey, guess what I learned today?”)
85. So I can stop worrying, “What if I never get married? What if there is no one out there for me?”
86. So I can be a shadchan and set people up
87. So my single friends can use me as their “married friend” reference
88. Two words: Diamond Ring. (Actually, I personally dislike jewelry, and wish I didn’t have to wear a ring when the time comes, but I know if I don’t then I’ll spend my life answering the people who ask me why I’m not wearing one. I felt like I had to put this on for all the people who were thinking it.)
89. To have someone to look good for (note: I mainly look good for myself. But it would be nice to have someone else to appreciate it, too.)
90. So I can eat whatever I want without having to worry that I might *gasp* gain a few pounds
91. A great way to lose weight- to have someone to give half the bag of M & M's to
92. Marriage = Sharing. Sharing = Caring.
93. It’s a great excuse for being antisocial
94. Someone to help shovel the snow. Women are just not as strong as men. (Ok, at least I’m not)
95. Someone to shop for- I’ve never bought a tie!
96. To learn new things- like how to tie a tie. (OK, *you* try coming up with101 reasons…)
97. Someone to argue with every now and then. Resolving conflict is so satisfying. Shalom Bayit takes work, but the end results seem to be amazing.
98. So that I’ll understand things like why newly married friends fall off the face of the planet (As in, “When you’re married, you’ll understand.)
99. Because when I look at my parents, and my grandparents, who are so in love and such great role models of what a good marriage should be, I wish that I had what they have.
100. Because true love is a powerful emotion, that I believe has the power to change a person
101. Because I am impatient and I’m waiting...

Now that you have read the list:
• Any reasons that I missed? Any other reasons you can think of?
• Pick 3-5 that you would say rank pretty high on your list




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"One and Done" vs. Second Date = Second Chance

Before I started dating, someone, possibly a teacher, told me that one should always go on a second date unless the first date was a really, really big disaster. The reasoning is that sometimes people are nervous on a first date, or you don’t get to know them really, or perhaps they’ll grow on you. I know plenty of people who subscribe to this philosophy as well, and I include myself in that category. I have two thoughts about this. The first is that my experience (and when I say “my experience” it’s not only my personal experience, but also when consulting others who are dating) seems to indicate that this is told a lot more to girls than it is to guys. Guys are given more leeway to end things earlier while girls are pushed to continue and try it again.

My second thought is that the line is not always clear. How does one define what qualifies as a bad enough first date that a second is not worth a shot? In a case when the date was awful, and you were miserable the whole time, there were major problems or issues that came up, and you kept waiting impatiently for it to be over, then it seems clear that it was a “one and done.” Especially if your gut reaction to the thought of spending another minute with the person is, “Noooooo!!”

That type of situation has only happened to me twice, and in both cases the hardest part was dealing with shadchan/ the person who set us up. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings by telling them that they were very off target, especially since in both cases I matched up on paper with the guys, and it was just a matter of a lack of connection in person, which they could not have foreseen in advance in either case. So then I end up explaining that the person wasn’t for me, while assuring them that it wasn’t awful or so far off. But if it wasn’t so awful or far off, then the person is curious as to why I am refusing to go on a second date. At some point, I just have to tell them to trust me on this one.

The thing is, what about when it’s not clearly awful? What about the cases where it wasn’t amazing, but it wasn’t terrible? You know, where you might have had an awkward silence here and there, but overall conversation flowed and your date wasn’t completely unattractive? In some of those cases you can still just have a gut feeling that this person is not right for you. It doesn’t always need to be awful for you to feel that it is not going to work. This goes back to my post about being picky- it is as though if I don’t give a guy a second chance, even though I can tell it is going nowhere, then I am accused of not being fair and being too selective. Which is why I hope that the guy will say no so that I won’t have to, and if he does, I breathe a huge sigh of relief. No one can blame me this time. It seems to me that if a date is in the mediocre category, guys are more quickly to be done with it than girls are.

After a first date I try to think about how much the guy was really able to get to know me, and sometimes I feel they got a good gist of it, while sometimes I feel like they barely know me at all. I mean, really, how well can you know another person after a few hours? How can you be sure after a few hours that a person is definitely not the right one for you, if there were no huge outstanding issues? I ask this sometimes, yet admit that I am guilty of being quick to trust my gut. Which is not a bad thing, because it’s usually right. In both of the cases where I went on completely awful dates, I had a feeling the date would be bad within the first 3 minutes of my phone calls with the guys.

Usually, unless I can’t picture spending another minute with the person, I believe in second chances. This is because it can’t hurt to try again, whereas if I say no too quickly, the risk is losing my bashert. Some people, however, subscribe to the other philosophy; unless there was something special about the date, then it is not worth going on a second date. No need to justify it. Once was more than enough, thank you very much.

Food for thought: What is your approach? Do you believe in second chances? Do you believe it is possible for people have a gut feeling after one date, or do you think that is ridiculous since you barely got to know the person?



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Why I Won't Settle

So, is it just me or is it impossible to date for more than a year or two and avoid being called picky? Maybe it’s just females who have this issue? Maybe it’s just me? Does everyone who doesn’t find the right person right away get called picky? Maybe I am picky. I don’t think so, though.

There have been times when something someone has said to me implied that perhaps I was being too selective and declining suggestions without a valid reason- sometimes before even going out on a date ("How do you know- you didn't even go out with him!"), or sometimes after only a short number of dates ("How can you know after only __ date(s)!"). I have certain qualifications that are super important to me (around five, in case you were wondering) and if a guy fits those, then I will give them a chance. In pretty much all of those cases I caved in and went on the date or on another date, against my better judgment, and as you can see by the fact that I’m still single, I was right.

Alright, alright, I’m coming off my high horse. Let me quickly get rid of the image you probably have in your head right now, in case I’m painting a picture that makes it sound like there’s tons of guys who are dying to go out with me and I sit in a castle with my nose held high dismissing them one by one. Do not think that is the case at all, as that is quite far from the reality. However, this is not a post about the guys who don't want to date me. No one is blaming me for that. I will say that in terms of the guys I have dated, I would say that about one third of the time the guy was the one to end it, about one third of the time I was the one to do so, and one third of the time it was mutual. What irks people, I suppose, is that sometimes everything seems right and should work, but for some reason it does not. Perhaps that makes me picky. Perhaps I am picky. But if I am, let me at least explain why.

My goal is not to just get married; it is to build a home of Torah with a person with who I love, and who loves me. I would rather not get married at all then end up in a bad marriage, a difficult marriage, or divorced, Chas v’shalom. If it is not the right person, then it’s not worth getting married. If this means I have to wait a very long time, then I will wait.

Trust me; I want to get married very, very, very much. So much that it is painful to be single sometimes. But that doesn’t mean that I will ever give up on my dream of finding true love, or finding someone who I can build a life with because we complete each other and can create so much together. Marriage is about creating, building, growing. “May you BUILD a Bayit Neeman B’Yisrael” we wish to those who are engaged.

Tovim Hashnayim Min HaEchad, writes Shlomo Hamelech in Mishlei. The immense potential that exists when two people come together is much greater than one person all by herself. Two people working together accomplish more than just one. I don’t want to be just me; I want a partner in life.

But not a partner who doesn’t share my goals, my values. Not a partner who I don’t respect. Not a partner who isn’t kind, who isn’t committed to Torah and Hashem and the Jewish people. I am looking for someone who I want to be with, who wants to be with me. Someone I can give to, who I can give happiness to.

I’m not looking for Mr. Perfect. I know that whoever I marry, he will have faults. In fact he better have faults, because I certainly have faults and I would feel too imperfect to be with someone perfect. I also know that he probably won’t be exactly like I expect, and that life will surprise me. I know whenever I find him, we will get into arguments and fights, because life is never smooth sailing. We won’t be one hundred percent happy one hundred percent of the time.

I have faith in Hashem that I will find the right person one day. I try to be as open as I can, but at the end of the day, if there is an obstacle stopping our ability to build a home together, we are not right. Perhaps that makes me picky.

To end off, here is an interesting email that has been making the rounds. Luckily I have never encountered this type of attitude personally, though I have heard of people who are like this, obviously on a less exaggerated scale:




Revelations of a Burnt- Out Shadchan .....

It's so hard to please anyone these days!!!
Here is a partial list of my clients .... I couldn't even get them one date, and that is why I am finally quitting and going into the pickle business.

Avraham Avinu: How can you recommend him to my daughter? Wasn't he involved in a family feud with his father over some idols? Then he left home without a GPS or a viable business plan!

Yitzchak Avinu: His brother is an Arab terrorist!!!

Rivka Imeinu: Sorry, she seems nice but did you hear about her mishpuche??? Her father's a murderer and her brother's a ponzi scam artist... .

Yaakov Avinu: Okay, he sits and learns all day... but his brother is a no-goodnik. And anyway, we heard he has a limp..... .

Leah Imeinu: Her father's a con artist, and she has ophtalmological problems. Maybe it's genetic?

Moshe Rabbeinu: Are you kidding? His parents are divorced! And worse.. they remarried! And we hear he's in speech therapy....

King David: How dare you suggest him to our yichusdike family? Our neighbor Yenti told us that his great-grandmother was a giyoret!!!

Chava: Do you know anything about her family? We never heard of them. No one knows where she came from and she can't come up with any referrals!

Please chevra, judge the person for him/herself - you're going to marry the person, not the family. You're getting married to build your home, not to please your neighbors. And finally, remember that if you are in this world, you are not perfect and neither is your spouse.
(Translated loosely from Arutz Sheva)



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Puzzle Pieces

As I sat down to work on the puzzle, I realized that it had been quite some time since I worked on a 1,000 piece puzzle. I forgot how putting together a puzzle is challenging, fun, frustrating, and how you receive a great sense of accomplishment and excitement when you finally finish it and the entire puzzle is complete, looking exactly like the picture on the box. The beginning was somewhat easy as I put together piles of pieces with the same color scheme that probably fit together. The problem arose when I was towards the end.

Most of the pieces were together, and the end was in sight. Except that I was looking for this one piece and couldn’t find it! I had all the other pieces in that corner together and just that one piece was missing. It shouldn’t be hard to find- after all it should be a light purple like the rest of the pieces, with a little bit of dark blue on one edge and a little bit of red on the other edge. But where was it? I saw pieces that seemed to be the right colors, but did not fit at all, and the pieces that were shaped in a way that looked promising were not the right colors. Maybe there was a malfunction and the puzzle was missing a piece? Maybe I dropped it on the floor?

Of course as I was searching desperately for that puzzle piece, I started thinking about how searching for a puzzle piece is like looking for one’s soulmate. You have certain things that you are looking for in a person, characteristics of that person. With each person suggested the question is, “Do they fit?” Like the puzzle pieces, which were sometimes the right color but not the right size, or the right size, but not the right color, some people have some of the things we are looking for in a spouse, but not others. Where is the person who fits perfectly? Life is not perfect like puzzles, but there is someone who is a close enough fit out there. Where is that person?

Well, I don’t know how my story of searching for a spouse will end up, but I will share with you the end of my puzzle story. Finally, of course, I found the piece. It was not missing; it had not fallen on the floor. The box was not defective, it contained all 1,000 pieces. After working on it and eliminating other pieces by finding where they went, and after searching and searching, I found the puzzle piece! It was that light purple color, but where I thought it should be dark blue, that part of the puzzle gets darker, so it was actually black. And the red ended right before that piece so there was no red. The piece was not the colors that I thought it should be, so I never considered it. You can probably guess where I’m going with this, but the point is that sometimes in life we meet someone who fits just right and they are not what we expected. We thought we were looking for certain characteristics, but in the end someone comes along and fits us perfectly in ways we never considered.

May all those of us who have not yet found our puzzle pieces, find the person who completes us and who we complete, so we can create our beautiful puzzle of life together.

Seesaw

I glance down at my watch and begin to head out the door. Within seconds I feel the cool breeze and smell the fresh air, as I join the many commuters headed back to where they came from, via various means of transportation. For some reason it’s when I’m headed back home at the end of the day that sometimes this sad feeling sinks in of “I kind of wish I had someone special to be heading back home to.” Not that I don’t like where I’m living right now, but it’s not the same as being married and going home to your spouse. Or so I imagine, though perhaps I’m just dreaming.

The truth is that every day is different. Some days I find myself thinking, “Ok, if I didn’t get married for another couple of years, then that is perfectly fine, what is my rush?” while other days just the thought of being single for another few months is painful enough.

I’m not sure which one is harder or hurts more: Hoping every day that this will be day that I find the right person and being disappointed day after day, or giving up and saying that maybe I should just not expect to ever get married because it’s hard to keep holding on. I can’t hold on anymore, but I can’t let go. Neither one works for me, but I have to do one or the other.

So I do both and neither, seesawing back and forth. I despair and announce that I’ve had enough, I can’t take it anymore, and try to move on with my life, focus on the great things that I do have in my life, and go on pretending that life will be perfectly fine if I never get married. Why bother dreaming that I’ll get married soon, when it might take years and years? Other times, however, I encourage myself, strengthen my attitude, and remain persistent with my optimism, declaring each day that at any second I could meet the right person, or at least receive a phone call that leads to meeting the right person. This is something that I want and I cannot simply let go of that desire.

At the end of the day, like with everything in life, what works best is to find a balance. On the one hand it is crucial to hold strong and have faith, to know that one day it will happen and that is all that matters. Don’t give up hoping, dreaming, and searching. Yet at the same time it is important to accept life for what it is, to learn to deal with the fact that I don’t know when I will find the right person, and it might be a while, but that is OK because Hashem made my life exactly the way it is for a specific reason. Like most things, however, it is much easier said than done.

Which type are you? Thoughts on Waiting

Which type of person are you? Let’s say you have two pieces of food on your plate, one you like more than the other. For example, you have a salad and a piece of kugel, and you like the kugel better. Which one do you eat first? One school of thought is “save the best for last,” while the other approach is, “quick, eat the good stuff because who knows what will be later.” Do you eat the kugel first because it is your favorite and you’re so excited to eat it, or do you eat the salad first so that the taste that lingers in your mouth is the kugel, your favorite?

I have always taken the first approach to save the best for last, even if it’s not always the smarter move, it is just how I am. This is true when it comes to the food on my plate, as well as the other areas of my life. I made sure to take all the requirements for college as soon as I could to get them over with, to save the fun and interesting classes that I really wanted to take for later. This is because I like to have something to look forward to. Somehow it feels like I can make it through anything if I know there is something good waiting for me at the end. You know, the light at the end of the tunnel attitude. Part of this thinking, however, involves the good ending point being at a fixed point in time. I know exactly when my birthday is, so it is easy to look forward to it, but if someone tells you, “I’m going to give you gift,” but doesn’t say when, then the longer that time goes by, the more you start to think, “So, um, when exactly are they going to give me this gift? Are they really going to?”

This is part of what makes dating so difficult or frustrating at times. In some ways I would be much better off if someone walked up to me today and said, “Stop being anxious! You are going to meet the right person in 5 years from today, so stop worrying” than I would be if I were to find the right person in only 2 years, without knowing that information in advance. Instead I’m stuck with that secret hoping of, “Maybe it will happen today…or maybe not for years.”

I was thinking about this recently and I realized I have it all wrong. Instead of being so focused on when I’m finally going to get married and I won’t have to wait anymore, I should be focusing on the fact that there is a lot of good in the fact that I have to wait- it gives me something to look forward to. You see, once I get the good thing I’ve been waiting for, I’m inevitably left with this drop of sadness of “Oh, now it’s over. What will I look forward to next?” I remember when I read the final book of the Harry Potter series. I had been waiting to read the seventh book probably ever since I finished the third and had to wait for the fourth, finish it, then wait forever for the fifth, then wait forever for the sixth and then wait for the seventh. As much as I enjoyed reading the book, and I enjoyed it a great deal, when I reached that last sentence on that last page, I was so sad that there was no next book to look forward to.

Marriage, of course, is a different story because it is not something you reach and then move past the way you finish a book or the way you eat a piece of kugel and then it’s over. But there is the point of waiting to meet the person, and then you’ve met them and the mystery of, “Who will I spend the rest of my life with?” is over. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I’d rather stay on this side of the mystery, I can’t wait to be on the other side, spending my life with the person. What I am saying is that this side of the mystery has some good aspects, firstly that there is something to look forward to, something to hope for, something to dream about, and while I’m not there yet I might as well enjoy that aspect.

Another good aspect is something I touched upon in this post about appreciating the process. It’s a reflection that I had when I was looking back at the past year around Rosh Hashanah time, and that is the fact that I realized that last year at this time I was not quite as ready to get married as I thought I was, and that last year at this time my desire to get married was not nearly as strong as it is now. As each day goes by I feel more and more ready to get married and I want to get married more and more and more. I truly believe that there is a point where you cannot possibly want to get married anymore, no matter how many more years pass, no matter how many more days pass, no matter how many more Tefillot you daven, no matter how many more dates you go on. And as many times as I’ve thought I’ve reached that point, I am no where near that point at all. There is benefit, I think, from Hashem’s perspective, to forcing me to wait until my desire is stronger, because the greater my desire to get married, the greater my happiness will be when I finally meet the right person.

It’s like a child in a candy store. If the child asks her mother for a candy and the mother says, “Yes,” then the child takes the candy and eats it and is perfectly content and satisfied. But if the child asks and is refused and then asks again and is again refused, then ten minutes later when the child screams on the top of her lungs, “PLEASE, MOMMY, PLEASE????!!!” and the mother gives in and says, “Yes, my darling, Ok, I will give you a candy,” the child’s response is to jump up and down excitedly shouting “YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” And while being content is nice, a big huge “yay” is a whole lot better. Every day that I wait I want to get married even more, and I know the “yay” gets bigger and bigger, too. Yet at the same time, I certainly hope to get married soon and that my “yay” doesn’t end up getting stretched to be as big as it could be.

I don’t want to wait forever to get married, and I certainly hope each day that it will happen soon, but in the meantime I appreciate that I have something to look forward to, because that is always fun, even if I don’t know the exact end point in time. And even though at times I get impatient or frustrated, I can feel the “yay” feeling growing until the time when I don’t have to wait anymore.

The "Im Yirtzeh Hashem By You" Debate

Let’s just set the scene for a minute. You’re at your friend’s engagement party or wedding, and you wait on line patiently for a bracha. Finally your turn arrives and they give you a bracha, to which they add at the end, “Im Yirtzeh Hashem by you!” What is your reaction to such a statement? Does it upset you and make you feel like a nebach, or do you think, “Wow, that was a nice bracha”? Bad4 had a negative reaction, and it seems SiBW had to learn that the hard way. I am on both sides of this debate, so let me explain why I think singles should not be quite so offended by “Im Yirtzeh Hashem By You” (henceforth to be abbreviated as IYHBY), and why engaged/married people should hesitate before generously heaping on this well-meaning bracha.

I’m going to start with the negative side. Why do we hate IYHBY so much? Mostly, as Bad4 pointed out, it’s because it is said with a tone of great pity as though being single was the most sorry state of being, one that we should hope to escape from as soon as possible. Even if being single isn’t the greatest, no one wants to be treated like a nebach case. Additionally, often whey IYHBY is said, it comes across as though marriage is the most important thing in the entire world more important than anything else. Yes, I want to get married, and I think marriage is important. But it is definitely not the most important thing in the entire world, at least not to me personally. Happiness, for example, is far more important. If I had to pick between happiness and marriage, I would pick happiness. There are a few other things that are also more important than marriage. Saying IYHBY as though being single is the worst fate in the world, doesn't come across to well to singles.

Another personal aspect of IYHBY that bothers me is the literal translation- “If Hashem wants it to happen, then it should happen for you.” Well, I personally believe that Hashem wants all singles to get married! That’s why He commanded us Peru U’Revu. If someone doesn’t find the right person, then it is because there is something more important that Hashem wants from the person than marriage, that they need in order to fulfill their mission in this world. Maybe it is a test of Bitachon, we can never know why. But I still believe Hashem wants everyone to find their soulmate. It should probably be “B’Ezras Hashem,” with the help of Hashem, instead, (I never quite understood the difference between the two in practical usage) although that would not solve the issue that the phrase makes singles feel like pity cases. So why do engaged/married people use this phrase so much?

Baruch Hashem, after watching many friends get engaged and married, and studying them as they wish me a heartfelt IYHBY, I believe it is because they are so so so so so happy, and when you are that happy, you want to share your happiness with the world. At that moment, since you are a good friend, or even if you’re not a good friend, all they want for you is to be as happy as they are. Additionally, for a number of people, being engaged/married, especially if you are one of the first of your friends, comes with a tiny bit of guilt. Chana at The Curious Jew expressed it most beautifully in this unbelievable post, and I know I could see it when I looked into my friends’ eyes as they whispered their bracha to me, but part of them thinks, “Why am I engaged/married, while my friends are unable to find their basherts?” So IYHBY is the first thing that comes to mind.

So why does part of me love it when my friends wish me IYHBY? A few reasons. Firstly, despite the possible nebach implication, I in fact do want to get married, and I do hope IYHBY, so I’m glad to receive the bracha. Secondly, because I love to see my friends so happy that all they want is everyone to be as happy as them. And the fact that they want me to be as happy shows that they care about me. I find it touching that they want me to be happy.

So, engaged people, try to be sensitive to those who find IYHBY to be insulting or hurtful. Try instead, “I hope that one day very very very soon you will be just as happy as I am right now!” Try not to look down at us as nebachs. And singles, the next time we hear another IYHBY, in your heads, just do what I do, and translate it into, “I am happy, and I want to share that happiness, and it pains me that you, someone I care about so much, are not as happy as I am right now.” Even if it’s not what you want to hear, remember that it’s the thought that counts.

Watching the pot: To hope or not to hope

There is a famous saying, “A watched pot never boils.” Having spent much time in the kitchen, I can tell you that a watched pot does indeed boil, though obviously the point is true that seems to take much longer when you’re standing there watching the pot than it does when you leave the kitchen and keep yourself occupied with other things. Some have suggested that the same is true with shidduchim. If you take your mind off it and stop waiting around for it, then life will surprise you when you least expect it.

I would love to take this advice to heart, but it seems to be impossible as I seem to become the expert on imagining how any scenario whatsoever can lead to one’s finding their bashert. In my mind, all roads can lead to finding a spouse. This is coming from a good place, since I have focused on the message that Yeshuat Hashem K’Heref Ayin, that Hashem can save you in the blink of an eye, but unfortunately has been taken to an extreme. Let me explain.

Yeshuat Hashem K’Heref Ayin means that every single second of every single day no matter where you are or who you are with, every single second is the possible second of initiation of the series of events to lead you to find your bashert. Some situations are obvious, as they are clearly conducive to finding one’s bashert. For example, if someone is in a place where there are lots of single guys and lots of single girls, be it a wedding or shul or a singles Shabbaton or a situation like that, it is not so far fetched to imagine how one might meet their soulmate. Other situations it becomes slightly less plausible, yet I can still figure out how all roads lead to finding your bashert.

For example, walking down the street or taking the train. Your bashert could just show up randomly. Maybe you will accidentally drop something and they will rush to help you pick it up, maybe the only empty seat left on the bus will be next to you and they will sit there and you’ll end up talking. Maybe you’ll both be in the supermarket and there’s an item without a price tag and one of you will turn to the other and shyly ask if the other happens to know the price. The possibilities are endless.

Those aren’t even very far fetched. Here’s a challenging one: For a girl, walking into the ladies room. “Ha!” you think, “I’ll bet there’s no way she could come up with a way to meet a guy in a place where there are no guys!” Wrong. His mother or sister or cousin or aunt or grandmother could be in the bathroom and you could end up in a conversation with her, and she thinks you are so nice, that she decides to set you up. There is no situation that can’t lead to finding your bashert. Even if you are stuck stranded on a dessert island, you never know who could be on the boat that comes to rescue you.

This kind of thinking is hopeful, yet destructive. Because in case you haven’t noticed, 99 percent of the people you know did not meet through some outrageous barely conceivable series of events. If you spend every second hoping that this will be the second, that maybe a huge hurricane will sweep you off your feet and you’ll magically land right next to the right person, you’re in for a big disappointment. It could happen, but what are the chances? All roads have the potential to lead to finding your bashert, but most roads don’t. In fact, there is only going to be one road that does. We can’t spend every second watching the pot otherwise it will seem like it’s never going to boil.

I just wish I knew how to stop watching. Even when I decide firmly that I will not watch, I still glance over my shoulder. And if I manage to really stop glancing, there is always someone who will point out that this situation could lead to my bashert, and all of a sudden the power of suggestion has me watching again.

Someone was recently telling me about a girl who had barely started dating and already had thoughts wondering whether she would ever find the right person. I was surprised because she barely even started looking. How could she be ready to give up so soon? In addition, a few friends who have been “in the parsha” for a while have recently expressed to me that they think that they might never get married. I found this depressing, but they found it easier to live with that so that they can accept their life and move on without trying to fight reality. I admit that sometimes I worry about that too, but I still hold on strongly to the belief that I will fin the right person one day, even if takes longer than I expected.

So which approach is better? To believe that all roads can lead to finding your soulmate, and hoping in every situation that it could happen this second, and then being sourly disappointed when that is not the case, or believing that no roads lead to finding your soulmate and it’s never going to happen? At least then you can only be happily surprised. I’ve written before that my #1 rule of shidduchim is don’t get your hopes up. But that means don’t get your hopes up in individual situations, not in the long term ending of your story. Each situation may end up going nowhere, but don’t give up hope that it will end up OK.

Food for thought: Is it better to not watch the pot and wait for life to surprise you, or to watch the pot to make sure you don’t miss anything? Is it bettter to hope constantly and be disappointed, or to give up hope completely, accept it and move on with your life?

A Tefillah

Dear Hashem,

I know that I’ve been having a difficult time davening to you lately. Trying to have proper kavana while saying the same Hebrew words every day is often challenging, but this time my struggle is more philosophical. As you know, I’ve been asking you to help me find a spouse, my bashert, someone to spend the rest of my life with. Yet as I make this request, I can’t help but thinking of all of the people who are older than me who have been dating for so much longer than I have. They have been pouring out their hearts to you and davening to you for much longer than I have. Their prayers are greater than mine, both in quantity and quality; they are intense and numerous.

Why haven’t you answered their Tefillot and given them what they have asked for time and time again, day after day, for years? So why should I expect you to answer me? Or more like how can I have the audacity to approach you and make the same request as them and expect you to answer me, but not them? I’m not special, I don’t deserve special treatment. Why should you to answer me, but not them? What have I done to make me better or to make my Tefillot better? Nothing! Even if I dug deep to pull my deepest emotions and cried and poured out my soul, it will never match years of tears and Tefillot. So why should I ask for this if I don’t think it’s fair for you to answer me first?

Yes, I can daven for them, and I do that. On the one hand I hope that you answer their Tefillot first, yet on the other hand I do not want to wait around for each and every older (or not so much older) single to get married before I find the right person to marry. And in terms of the effectiveness of my Tefillot, yes, every person is different, so maybe something is right for me and not them, and I should do my part and daven and let you decide what is right for each person. But I can’t help thinking- how could you answer me and not them? So how can I ask you to help me find a husband?

Yet on the other hand, how can I not turn to you, Hashem, the source of all blessing in this world, who is all-powerful? How can I not turn to you for something that I want so badly and long for so much? Hashem, I always learned that I should share everything that is in my heart with you. That I should ask you for everything, no matter how small. Two ways of building a relationship with someone are communication and opening up to them, and these are both goals of Tefillah. So I will continue to struggle, even though I don't understand why you haven't answered them, and I don't know why you should answer me over them. I will continue to daven to you, and ask you for one of the things that I want the most in life.

Thank you for listening, even when the answer is “not yet.”
SternGrad

Question: What did you expect?

Expectations play a big role in how we react to the world around us. For example, if you are waiting for a bus that is supposed to come once every 10 minutes, then you might expect to be waiting for that bus for around 10 minutes, because when you show up to the stop there is a chance you might have just missed it. So if you are waiting at the bus stop for 20 minutes, then you will be disappointed, because you weren't expecting to have to wait that long. But if the bus comes right after you show up, then you are thrilled, because you were expecting that you might have to wait at least 5 minutes or so. If you were waiting for a bus that only comes every 20 minutes, however, then waiting for 20 minutes will not upset you, because you expected that as a possibility.

In some ways the key to being happy is to lower your expectations. An example I heard in a shiur once is let's say it's your birthday, and you and your group of friends have a minhag that for everyone's birthday you go out for pizza. If for your birthday, they just show up with a card, you'll be upset- where's the pizza? But if your minhag is that you don't really do anything for anyone's birthday, then if they surprise you with pizza, then you're really happy. Basically, if you don't expect anything out of life, then any good thing that does happen to you will make you happy because you weren't expecting it. If you expect life to be perfect, then whenever it's not going your way, you'll get upset.

Where am I going with this? Here is my question that I'm putting out there to everyone- single/married/dating/not dating etc.: How long do you/did you expect to be dating before you found the right person? Let me explain what I mean by dating. Presumably there was a point in your life when you decided "OK, I'm ready to get married, I'm ready to start dating to find a spouse." There was some time when you announced, "Ok I'm in the parsha!" When you started actively trying to find a spouse, whatever measures that entailed for you personally, when you took started letting people know that they should set you up if they knew someone. Maybe you had just graduated high school or just got back from seminary/yeshiva in Israel, or perhaps it was a number of years later. Whether you were 18 or 25 or anything in between, from that general point in time, how long did you think it would take you to find your bashert?

I never expected to marry the first person I dated. How many people marry the first person they date? I have a few friends who did, but that is not the majority. So when I went out with the first guy who I dated, and he wasn't my bashert, I wasn't disappointed, since I didn't expect to find my bashert right away. I also never expected to find my a spouse in the first year I started dating. I figured a year or two was normal to be dating. I guess it was after I hit the two year mark that I started to be like, "hmmm, this is taking a bit longer than I expected." And it hasn't been that much more than 2 years. I think if you had asked me for the longest number of years I thought I would be dating back when I first started, I would have said 5 at most, and I'm still under that number. But I know people who have been dating for 5, 6, 7, years, or even more than that.

This also relates to my post about pressure, but I feel like it would be better if I didn't have this perception that dating for longer than 2 years is a long time. It's not really that long, when I think about it and compare it to people dating so much longer. Why did I have this expectation that I would just find my bashert and there would be challenge involved? In other areas of life I have learned to always expect challenges- that's how life is, and I love growing from challenges. I wish I could go back in time to before I started dating and change my expectations, so that I wouldn't expect to be married by a certain age, by a certain point in my life, or after a certain period of time. I had certain expectations about those three. I still haven't turned the age that I expected to be married by, but I have passed the certain point in my life that I thought I'd by married by, and the certain period of time that I thought I'd be dating.

And it's not that I'm unhappy, I don't want you do get that impression. It's hard to read my posts from an objective standpoint, but my feelings towards dating aren't completely negative. Dating is frustrating and not what I expected, but overall I am lucky to have mostly a positive overall experience. There are definitely others who have much more of a right to complain than I do. But there are times when I find the stage of shidduchim frustrating, and I think a lot of people do. I just wonder if I apply my formula for happiness of "lower your expectations" if it would be less frustrating.

So, now that I went on a tangent on my thoughts, let me get back to my original question, since I'm wondering if I'm the only one with unrealistic expectations: If you're not engaged/married yet: How long do expect to date? If you're engaged/married- how long did you expect to date and how did real life compare to your expectations?

"Droughts"

We singles love to complain about bad dates. To share crazy stories of what outrageous, weird, inappropriate, or just plain odd thing our date did or said. Dating is awful, we whine, can’t I just get married already? It’s a challenging situation, no doubt. But equally or possibly even more difficult are what I have nicknamed “droughts,” the short or sometimes long periods of times- weeks or even months- when we don’t go on any dates at all. To go along with the “when it rains it pours” metaphor which describes the times when one person suggests a shidduch for you and then suddenly you have numerous other suggestions, a “drought” is when your dating life begins to resemble a dessert comparable to the one mentioned in Tehillim 63, “Eretz Tziah V’Ayef Bli Mayim.” If you go with the mashal of being “in the parsha,” then it kind of feels like you’re stuck in the parsha which contains Az Yashir, where there are huge empty spaces/breaks between each phrase. In my experience this happens more frequently to girls than it does to guys, perhaps because some guys have lists, but either way it is one of the tough aspects of dating.

For those of you who have not had the pleasure of experiencing a “drought,” and are wondering why it’s such a challenge, let me explain what it feels like. Every time a friend bombards you with another bad date story in your head you are rolling your eyes and thinking, “Well, at least you went out on a date.” But then you hear how bad the date was and although you wish you had a date, part of you is thankful that at least you didn’t have to spend a couple of hours in agony suffering through a bad date. But if all your friends who are dating are having positive experiences, then it’s tough. This difficult time might even lead you to declare dramatically, “I’m never going to go on another date again! I’m never going to get married!” Even though you know it’s not true, you just want someone to jump in and comfort you and tell you that you have nothing to worry about. (Ok, maybe that’s just a girl thing :)) But then of course there’s eventually some “rain fall” and maybe all the sudden out of the blue two or three or four people have suggestions for you and you wish they could have spaced it out so you’re not bombarded all at once.

There are two main challenges with “droughts.” The first is that for some reason the more dates you or go on, the more it feels like you’re closer to getting married. This comes from a big misconception, but for some reason most people feel this way. It’s kind of like the lottery. People assume that the more tickets they buy, the greater their chances are of winning the lottery. So the more people you date, the more likely one of them is bound to be the right person, right? Statistically and mathematically it is true that your chances are greater of winning the lottery are greater if you have purchased more tickets. However, many people say that if Hashem wants you to win the lottery then you will, so you should only buy one ticket, and if He doesn’t want you to win the lottery then it doesn’t matter how many tickets you bought, you won’t win the lottery.

Whether you subscribe to that notion or not, the same logic applies to shidduchim. You are only looking for ONE person. It doesn’t matter how many dates you have. You could go out with 3 people in 5 years or you could go out with 100 in one year. If Hashem doesn’t think the time is right for you to find your shidduch, then you won’t get married, no matter how many dates you go on. But for some reason if I haven’t gone on a date in a long time, it feels like my chances of getting married are much lower. I feel like I should be buying more lottery tickets to up my chances. This is completely illogical and once you realize that this is a misconception, it changes your perspective completely.

The second reason that “droughts” are tough is that it’s easy to feel that there’s something wrong with you. Why are others going on so many dates, while you have no dates? Is there something wrong with you that no one wants to set you up?

So, how does someone deal with not dating, with “droughts”?

Well, I can only say what works for me, and there are three ways. The first one is summed up best in the phrase, “Yeshuat Hashem KiHeref Ayin.” This is a phrase that I love for many reasons, but applied to this situation it means that at any second your state of not having any dates could change. “Droughts” are related to Az Yashir in more than just the layout of the text, but the content of the story as well. B’nei Yisrael looked in all directions and there was nothing, there was no way out. They were stuck. They thought they’d never get out of this. But Moshe says, “Hityatzivu U’Riu et Yeshuat Hashem.” Just wait! You’ll see Hashem is going to save you. That’s true for B’nei Yisrael then, and it’s a message that’s true for us now.

Maybe it looks like there’s no more dates in sight. As Shades of Grey wrote in this post, have some patience. You’ll get there. Maybe it has been a while since you’ve gone out on a date, but you’ll go out on one again, eventually, even if it’s not for a while. This is all assuming that you’ve put in your proper effort. You can’t just sit there and expect a miracle- even Hashem waited for someone to jump into the Yam Suf before splitting the sea. Once you’ve done what you can do, then is the time for patience.

The second way to deal with “droughts” is to realize that there is an end in sight. This coping strategy can be explained if you look at how to deal with pain in general. One method of dealing with pain involves focusing on the fact that the pain is temporary and will go away. Pain is unbearable if you think that it is never going to end or go away. If someone says, “This is going to hurt,” you wonder for how long. If someone says, “This is going to hurt for 10 seconds,” then it’s much easier to deal with because you can focus on what life will be like after those 10 seconds are up. Dealing with pain involves realizing that you will heal and that the pain will go away one day. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. If you focus on that light instead of on your current situation, then it’s a lot easier. A runner who is running a race thinks, “Almost there, almost there, just keep going.”

The third method of dealing with the challenge of “droughts” is to realize that you have been given the gift of time to reflect. If you’re going on date after date after date without a break, then you don’t have time to think things through. “Droughts” are a great time to step back and reevaluate. Is what I said I’m looking for really what I’m looking for? What have I learned from previous dates about myself and what I’m looking for that can help me in the future? These are important questions, and it’s good to have time to see what you can learn. I don’t mean that you should over analyze every detail of every date you’ve ever been on, because that is not healthy. But using the break to gain some perspective can be more productive towards finding a shidduch then going on a lot of dates that go nowhere.

Another positive side of “droughts” is that they help you appreciate going out on a date. Kind of like the whole “absence makes the heart grow fonder” idea, or like the feeling you get when you’ve been on a diet for a long time and then you bite into that first piece of cake.

To sum up, dating is tough, but not dating is even harder. Know that Hashem can save you at any second and also that this difficult time is only temporary; it has an end to it. Take the time to re-evaluate who you are and what you’re looking for. And when it finally rains, you’ll appreciate it and enjoy it that much more.

I'm just going to *know*

Solely In Black and White posed the question in this post, “How do you know if you’ve found the right one?” Maybe I'm crazy, but I have this idea stuck in my head that when I meet the right person, I'm just going to *know.* I'll have some sort of feeling of "Yup! This is him!" A feeling of “There is something right about this. This is meant to be. This is the person I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with.” I might not have this feeling on the first date or the second date or even the third date, but fairly early on. Perhaps it's because I am spiritual-minded, but I think if two souls are meant to be together, shouldn't they sense it in some way, on some level?

People have told me that doesn't happen like that and I shouldn't expect to feel that way. They say you don't just *know* and it's a decision you have to make. You’ll never be 100% sure and at some point you just have to take the plunge. But for some reason I have this crazy idea in my head, I suppose because I am quick to develop strong gut feelings about people. I’ve met couples from both camps- those who claim that they “just knew” and those who weren’t 100% sure. I don't think this happens to everyone, but I think it will happen to me. Some people don’t know right away, and that’s OK, just for some reason I have this idea in my head that I will know.

A teacher of mine once said that some people know they’ve met the right person faster than others, and it depends on what type of person you are. She compared it to going clothes shopping. Some girls (and guys for that matter!) are the type to walk into a store and take forever to pick out an item to try on. Once they get to the dressing room they spend forever looking at themselves in the mirror trying to decide, "Do I like it? Maybe I do. Actually, no I don't. Should I get it? I don't know. What should I do? I kind of like it, but I kind of don't. Uch, I'll just get it! No, wait, maybe not!" Those types of girls should not expect making decisions to be any different when it comes to dating. It may take them some time to figure out if it's right or not. I, however, am part of the other category of girls. I walk into a store and within 2 seconds and a quick glance I can tell you if there is any possibility of whether I'll find something I like or not. When I try on an item, it usually takes me one glance in the mirror to know if I want to buy it or not. That's just how I am. I'm a fast shopper.

Let me just clarify that this does not mean I intend to get engaged after a week or only a few dates. Just because I think I *know* pretty fast, doesn't mean that I want to necessarily want to jump into marriage that fast. Even if I *know* it's the right person, I'll still want to spend time getting to know the person before I agree to spend the whole rest of my life with them. The "I *know*" feeling isn't enough to base a big decision on, and it could be wrong. I definitely think I could have that “I *know*” feeling with someone who turns out not to be the right person. Going back to my puzzle piece theory, (that everyone has a limited number of people out there who they could marry. That number is greater than 1, but less than, say, 10) it could happen with one of those people who has the potential to be marriage material, but the circumstances aren’t right. But I still think it will happen with the right person.

Ironically, I’m posting this because I’m very open to being proven wrong. I think it would be completely OK if when I meet the right person I completely don’t know at all. I’m ready to stand up and say “Remember back when I was young and naïve and had this crazy romantic idealistic idea? Well, real life isn’t like that.” I’m ready to jump aboard the ship of those who claim such a feeling is unreal and is just a crazy dream. I’m ready to be proven wrong- I’ll be equally happy if I can proclaim, “See?! I told you I would just *know*!” or if I proclaim, “Silly me! Look how wrong I was!”

Yet, it’s one of those ideas that I have in my head. That I’m just gonna *know,* I’m just going to know.

Food for thought: How do you think you’ll know when you met the right person?

Soul Mates

I am a hopeless romantic. Having just read that sentence and noting that the title of this post is “Soul mates,” you might expect this post to be about how we are all broken halves of souls trying to find the other half of our soul, and when we meet The One everything is perfect and we live happily ever after. I think that’s a beautiful idea, but I’m not sure I believe that.

One of my Rabbis in seminary once gave us a shiur about shidduchim and soul mates. He said that he believes that everyone has one person who they are destined to be with. We all know the famous Gemara which states that 40 days after a baby is born it is declared who they are going to marry. The point of this Rabbi’s shiur was that there is one person out there for all of us, and so we had better start davening for that person. Because what if that person has been making bad choices in life and is headed on a bad path? Let’s say while we’re here learning, growing, working on our middot, our bashert is involved with activities that are not quite so holy. Well, that is the person we are meant to marry, so we should daven that they make good choices and find the right path. Let’s say that person takes risks and isn’t safe and chas v’shalom something bad happens to them and they have some health issue (example: smoking, reckless driving), that is still the person we are going to marry. So daven that everything is going well with them because that is what is meant to be.

Maybe I used to believe there was only one person out there for everyone, but I certainly didn’t believe that after that shiur. I’m here being a good person while he’s out drinking, smoking, and who knows what else and too bad, I’m stuck with him? I don’t believe that. The other big issue that comes up when it comes to the whole soul mates issue is: what about people who remarry? Either because they got divorced, or their spouse passed away. Is their current spouse their soul mate? Is their previous spouse their soul mate?

I’m not sure where I heard this or if I just kind of put it together myself based on other ideas I’ve learned, but the way I see it, we are all flexible puzzle pieces. I call this the Puzzle Piece Theory. We all have a basic shape, but we can move around a bit to fit together with more than one other piece. Meaning, there are a small number of people out there who we are compatible with, who we could marry and have a happy marriage with under the right circumstances. If we change one way, then we fit better with one piece, but if we change a different way then we are more compatible with a different piece. At any given point in time, there is only one person who is best for us.

We are always changing shape and our potential basherts are always changing shape. At one point in time we somehow meet one of these people who has changed in certain way so we mostly fit together. You could meet one of these people, but because you changed in different ways then they did, you won’t end up marrying them. Does that make sense? The great thing about this theory is that if my “bashert” has gone off the derech, I don’t need to fear that my only options are to be single the rest of my life or marry someone who doesn’t keep shabbos or share my life values. I’ll find someone else to marry who fits my puzzle piece.

I still think that ideally, there is one shape we are supposed to be, and there is only one puzzle piece that fits it perfectly, given that that person has taken the shape they are supposed to be. Not everyone finds that person. Some people are lucky enough to find someone who really is The One, but others marry one of the very few other people (one out of, I don’t know, ten, at most) who they can possibly be with. It’s not a bad thing. Instead of being 100% perfect, it’s 99.9%. It’s barely detectable, and you might not know the difference. But if you end up remarrying, that second person can be equally as perfect for you. That doesn’t mean the love you felt for either one of those people is any less.

This doesn’t mean I don’t see a point in davening for your bashert. Hashem knows what’s going to happen and who you’re going to end up marrying, and the same way you daven for the people in your life right now, you should daven for the person who is going to be in your life. (Though, on a side note, I admit that often when I daven for that person I imagine that he is hoping to get married, so I daven that Hashem will help him find the person to marry…which is me, so that’s kind of selfish, but anyway…)

It would be great to find someone and know that they are the only one for you and that you were meant to be and that you are two halves of a soul and there is no one else for either of you. I wish we could all experience that. But not everyone does, which is why I’m sticking to the puzzle piece theory. May we all be zoche to find the right puzzle piece that matches us best at the right time. Amen.