You Are Beautiful

My dear friend,
You are beautiful.
You didn’t see the way
That guy who passed you
Turned his head
To look at you
But I did.
I saw him glance back
To take an extra look
At you
Because
You’re beautiful.

Don’t walk that way,
Slouched over,
Head down,
Eyes glancing nervously
Afraid of the world
Jumping at the slightest movement.
Walk proud with confidence
Because you have so much to be confident about.
And you’re not fat, so stop asking me if you are.
No, you’re not a size 0 or a size 2
But you are not fat
And you don’t need to be either of those sizes
To be beautiful.

So don’t let that guy
Who you thought was perfect
Who didn’t want to date you
Get to you.
He doesn’t know what he is missing
His saying no to you
Is his loss.
He doesn’t know how smart and wonderful and caring you are
What a loyal, dedicated friend you are.
If he would’ve asked me, I would’ve told him.

I would have told him how beautiful you are
But more importantly
How kind and sweet you are
How practical and thoughtful and determined you are
How you have the kind of smile that can brighten a room
How much fun it is just to be with you
How you make everyone around you laugh
If he knew all that,
He would not have rejected you.

Maybe he said no to dating you because
He was intimidated by how beautiful and smart you are
Or because he was blind and couldn’t see how wonderful you are
But he did not reject you
Because you are inadequate
Nor because you’re not good enough
Nor because you aren’t beautiful enough.
If he can’t recognize
What an amazing person you are
Then I don’t think that
He is good enough for you anyway.
Don’t let rejection get you down.

Because you, my friend,
Are beautiful.
You are beautiful on the outside
And you are beautiful on the inside
And nothing that anyone else says
Or does or thinks
Can take away
Your inherent value and worth
As an amazing human being.
Oh, my friend,
Please know,
You are beautiful.




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Funny line of the week

This week , while I was in an elevator, a guy and a girl walked in laughing. After listening to their loud conversation for 2 seconds, it became apparent that the guy was sharing the story of his disaster of an experience speed dating from the night before. As they got out of the elevator he concluded, “As they say: (insert dramatic pause which made me wonder, "what *do* they say??") The goods are odd, but the odds are good.”

Wishing you all a Good Shabbos/ Shabbat Shalom!




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Beginning the dating process

A little while ago, Tikva4eva emailed me with a great question: “When do you think one should start dating? How can one assess if she is mature enough to start? What should be the criteria? When is too early?”

In addition to being a good question, it was also a well timed question. It was around this time of year (give or take a few weeks) three years ago that I started dating and went on my first date. It’s always around now that I start thinking about what things were like when I started dating- how I have changed, how my attitude has changed. I am definitely not going to pretend to be an expert on the topic of when the right time is to start dating. I will be happy to share some ideas that I have heard and my thoughts on the subject, and more importantly, throw the question to all of you out there to hear your thoughts on when a person should start dating.

When I first read Tikva4eva’s question, a number of typical answers flew into my mind of things that have been tossed around. The main one was, “When you’re ready to give.” That is very vague and kind of leaves me feeling, “Well, what does that mean? How do I know if I’m ready to give? I like to give and do chessed, but I also did when I was in high school and clearly I was not ready to get married then.” The second one was the answer I heard from a teacher in seminary who said that she knew she was ready to get married when she felt that there was something missing in her life. While this is true in the sense that it ties into the previous answer- there is a missing relationship and you want to be giving to someone- it is not good to approach this situation from the angle of “marriage will fill in what I am lacking.” The answer of “to give” is so typical and cliché, but if you take a closer look at what that really means, it is right on target. Marriage is about giving to another person, so it makes sense. How do you get there?

I would like to suggest two steps to figuring out if you’re ready to start dating for marriage. Step #1 look at yourself, and step #2, look at your life.

Step #1- look at yourself
Marriage is the ultimate, deepest relationship. All relationships begin with your relationship with yourself. Who are you? What are your likes and dislikes? What are your strengths and weaknesses? What are your positive traits and your faults? What are your goals? What do you strive for? Before you get married you need to figure out who you are and how you feel about yourself. This is true for all relationships, but for marriage especially. If someone doesn’t like who they are or is not OK with themselves, then it affects all of their relationships. You can’t give to someone else if you can’t even take care of yourself. Your cup must be full before it can overflow into others. When you take a deep look at yourself, look at your role in your relationships with others. Which people in your life do you get along with effortlessly, and which relationships require more work?

For this step, don’t feel shy talking to others in your life. Parents and siblings or roommates/those who you live with can often be particularly insightful when it comes to figuring out your strengths and weaknesses. One additional point that is important to mention is that you don’t need to be perfect to start dating. Knowing your faults does not mean that you need to fix all of them before you begin dating. You just need to evaluate that you are in a place where you are comfortable enough with yourself. This is not an objective evaluation, but rather it is something that each person needs to decide for themselves.

Step #2- look at your life.
I have never heard teachers or speakers mention this step, but it is important. What is your occupation and financial situation? To illustrate obviously- if you are a high school student, you are not ready to get married. If you are in college and have no income and your parents are not going to support you if you get married, then maybe either you need a plan or you should wait to start dating. If your parents will support you, make sure you know exactly what that means and how it is going to work. If you are in a job or school where you are busy for most hours of the day, then consider the fact that dating takes up time and it needs to fit into your schedule. Make sure you are at the right stage of life and ready for dating and marriage.

I started thinking about dating, around the time that I think most people do, when I came back from seminary in Israel. I knew I was not ready to get married at that point, from either of those steps, but I started thinking about it. Around three/three and half years ago I began to think about it more seriously, and I decided to do sit down and talk to my parents about it. I am very, very close with my parents and I consider them my mentors in all areas, be it emotional or spiritual. Since I seek their advice before most major decisions, it was natural for me to turn to them about this. For most people I think this is not the case, but sitting down with a teacher or friend or sibling or someone who can be a good bouncing board is a good idea. Anyway, after that conversation, I realized I was ready to start dating.

At the time, in the back of my mind, I had this picture that the way life goes, you’re born, you go to pre-school, then elementary school, then high school, then college, then you get married. Marriage was just the next step after college and I just figured I would magically meet the right person by the time college was over. Needless to say, that did not happen. I still have that template molded in the back of my mind, even though I know it is ridiculous. In retrospect, although I thought I was ready to get married at the time, I was just trying to make my life go the way I thought it should go, and I am glad that life worked itself out so that I did not get married right after college. Living on my own has been an amazing learning experience in so many ways. So many things that I always thought, “I will do that when I am married” I am doing now- such as cooking dinner every night. Even though I still believe I was mature enough when I started dating, there is so much that I have learned since then, about the world and about myself, and about dating, and I value that learning experience greatly.

Starting to date was at first just weird. Having been in a single sex environment for most of my life, the first time a guy called me to arrange a date was so nerve-wracking. When I heard my phone ringing at the time the guy was supposed to call I was panicked. Luckily, when I picked up the phone, the guy sounded way more nervous than I was so that put me at ease and I quickly became comfortable, especially once conversation started flowing. However, feeling calm didn’t change the fact that the entire time it was as though a loud voice was shouting frantically in the back of my mind, “I am on the phone with a guy! I am on the phone with a guy! Aaaahhhh!” Ok maybe I’m just weird, but what do you expect when I’ve spent my entire high school and seminary being told not to talk to guys? I was the most nervous in the time between when he called to say he arrived (I was in the Stern dorm at the time) and when I actually met him. Once I was on the date, I was fortunate enough to have a positive first date experience that was not awkward or filled with silences. Since that very first first date, I tend not to get too nervous, which I hear is rare, but I still find it oddly calming when guys are nervous.

To end off- advice for those who are about to start dating for marriage? Don’t rush into it. Take your time. Get to know yourself, think it through, talk to mentors to help you make sure you’re ready. Don’t let social pressure get to you. If you’re not sure if you’re ready, my experience is that you fall into two categories. The first describes most people, which is that you are really not ready, which is why you’re not sure. Don’t start if you’re not sure. The second category is those who are ready to start dating, but they are just scared. They are scared for any number of reasons- fear of rejection, fear of the unknown. In that case you just have to jump in.

That’s pretty much all I have to say on the topic, so I throw the question out to you: How does one know if they are ready to start dating? How did you decide? What factors played into your decision to start dating?


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Speed Dating

“You can’t knock it until you’ve tried it!” Those were the famous last words that I told my friend, in response to her less-than thrilled reaction when we found out that there would be speed dating at the singles Shabbaton we were about to attend. Although my comment might imply that I was all for speed dating, I continued to explain to her that without ever experiencing something, one cannot fully critique it and figure out how to improve it. I admit that I was looking forward to the chance to making of the whole thing. Having never been to an event with speed dating, I too feared that it would be potentially quite awkward. I imagined rows of guys and girls sitting across from each other glancing nervously at one another.

When I thought about it more, I realized that one benefit of speed dating is that if it is awkward, it only lasts a few minutes, as opposed to an actual date where the awkwardness can last for hours. While it is true that some of the bad dates I have been on only became awkward an hour or two into the date, most bad dates were ones in which I could tell that the date was not going anywhere after two minutes. Despite this benefit, I was eagerly looking forward to tearing apart the event and laughing it off. Perhaps my attitude of “I doubt I will actually meet someone this way, so I might as well have fun” was the right choice for me, (not because I met someone- I didn’t- but,) because speed dating was not as big of a disaster as I had anticipated.

One surprising component of the speed dating on the Shabbaton was that it turned out to be group speed dating instead of one-on-one. Meaning that I sat at a table with two friends, while groups of 2-3 guys rotated and came group by group to sit down at our table. This method had its pros and cons. On the one hand it was great because it kept the environment more chilled and less pressured, but on the other hand, in some cases we each ended up only talking to the person directly in front of us, so I did not have the opportunity to meet the other two guys in the group. The best thing about speed dating was what I mentioned before, that things are short enough so that awkward pauses can be almost entirely avoided. By the time you’ve each said your name, what you are doing with your life and gone through the typical follow up questions, it is time to move on to the next person, or in this case, group of people.

Overall, I was surprised at how non-awkward and even fun the entire thing was. So much for my plan to knock it. However, there were two main problems with speed-dating. The first one is that there were guys on the Shabbaton that I had already dated, and so they came to my table as well. Here is where the fact that it was group speed dating was really helpful, as I did not end up sitting one-on-one with guys I already dated. But potentially in a situation where speed dating is one-on-one, this could have been uncomfortable.

The second is that it is really difficult to remember all the people who you meet, and this is especially the case on shabbos where we could not write things down or take notes about the person. In general I have a pretty good memory for names and faces, and often find that people do not remember me, while I will remember them. When I was a camp counselor those I worked with were always impressed that in an hour I had learned the names of all 20 kids in the bunk. Yet after I had speed dated with about 20 guys, I glanced through the list of guys to see which ones I remembered and there were only one or two that stuck out. I could not put a face the names of any of the rest of the guys. At least if it had not been shabbos I could have put stars next to the ones I was interested in talking to further, though there are no guarantees I would remember which ones they were.

Despite these two down-sides (that it is hard to remember each person you meet and that it could be bad when you have already dated a few of the guys), I think that speed dating is a really great idea and should be utilized more in the shidduch world. Particularly in the shidduch world this type of thing has the potential to go a long way. Why? Let me explain. If you break down the process of trying to find the right person there are two components: The person and the paper. The paper consists of background, family, beliefs, values, etc. - things that can be found out in advance, and written down on paper. The person refers to a combination of chemistry and personality. By “chemistry” I do not simply mean looks, but also the interaction between two people. How do they get along? Are they comfortable with each other? Do they find it easy to talk to each other? Do they understand each other?

In the Western world, aside from blind dating, dating begins with the person and ends with a paper. People meet in social settings, such as parties, bars, weddings, social events, and if two people like each other they will start to date, and then as they get to know each other they discover all of the “paper” parts of the person- where they went to school, their family, their religious, political, and other beliefs. In shidduchim we start with the paper and end with the person. This is better then starting with the person and ending with the paper because otherwise you can develop feelings for someone who is not the right one to share your life with. See my post about that here. Additionally, starting with the person would not work in frum circles because most of us have spent our lives in environments where members of the opposite sex have been separated. Putting tons of singles in the same room results in the girls talking to the girls and the guys talking to the guys. Each one is too scared to approach the other. Those who are accustomed to coed environments do not experience this problem to the same extent. For both these reasons, the “start with the person” method does not work.

The problem with starting with the paper and ending with the person is that as we all know, a person is much more than a paper. Two people can seem exactly the same on paper, yet be drastically different in person. (By the way, the reverse is true. Two people may be similar when you meet them, but after getting to know them you might discover they come from completely different backgrounds and hold different beliefs.)

Speed dating is the perfect synthesis of the two methods- starting with the person and starting with the paper. Although the process begins with the person, it is just a small taste of the person and it quickly leads to the paper. While most “start with the person” experiences are casual and informal, which demands one person to approach another, speed dating is formal and everyone meets everyone. This is all granted that all of the participants are generally on the same page hashkafically.

From my one speed dating experience, I would make the following improvements:
1. It should not be done on shabbos, because it is best for participants to be able to write things down and take notes. Each meeting should be followed by 60 seconds to write down these notes.
2. Ideally, speed dating should be followed by shidduch profiles being made available to participants. Singles should approach shadchanim who are present at the event with a list of those who they were interested in, and then shadchanim should see which two people were interested in each other and then continue from there. This did not happen at the event I was at. I would even go so far as to suggest that perhaps the men simply give a list of those who they were interested in, and then the shadchanim could approach those women to see if they would be open to giving it a shot.

All in all, I had a fun time and enjoyed meeting new people, despite my original skepticism. Have you ever been to a speed-dating event? Would you be open to it or do you think it is a terrible idea?


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101 Reasons Why I Want to Get Married

Editor's Note, March 3, 2011:

It is clear to me now that this post has been somewhat misunderstood, and so I would like to reiterate that there are many things on this list that are here simply to be humorous, (for example, #41 Social pressure)

I wrote this list for fun, and I hope you, my readers, can read it in that spirit. I truly did not mean to offend anyone and I apologize if I did so, but as this was a fun exercise, I stand by my work in the spirit in which I wrote it. Thank you.

~SternGrad

I was trying to think of a good list of 101 things for my 101st post. I had been thinking of writing a post about reasons why I would like to get married, and figured this would be a good challenge. But I wasn’t sure I could think of 101 reasons. That is a lot of reasons after all. Then I remembered how someone told one of my friends that the reason she wasn’t married is because she didn’t want to get married enough. “Ein davar Haomed mipnei Haratzon,” nothing stands in the way of desire, right? I think that if I have 101 reasons, then I must want to get married enough. So, for post #101 I present you with: 101 Reasons Why I Want to Get Married

Before you read this post, I suggest you try coming up with as many reasons as you can to get married or if you’re already married, reasons you are glad you are married. It is pretty hard to get to 101! The first time I sat down to do this, I came up with 50 reasons off the top of my head, and the rest took some thinking. The truth is that only about 10 or 15 of these reasons are the real, true, deep, serious, sincere reasons that I would like to get married, and you might not even be able to guess which ones those are, because I think every person is motivated by different things.

Some of the reasons are serious, some are meant to be humorous, some are ridiculous, and others are terrible reasons to get married, especially if that was your only reason. And sure, you could argue that some of them I could do while I’m still single, but marriage makes them easier/better/more fun.

I would also like to add that if I were to make a list of “Reasons why I love my life right now,” it would be much, much, much more than 101, and in case it is not obvious, loving my current life as a single, and sincerely wanting to get married are not mutually exclusive.

With that nice introduction, here they are:

101 Reasons to Get Married

1. Because Hashem wants me to get married (even though there is no Halachic requirement for women to get married, I would argue that a Torah lifestyle encourages it.)
2. So that I can host guests ( I mean, I do that now, but it’s not quite the same)
3. To experience true love/ to be in love
4. To always be with someone I love
5. To be with someone who loves me
6. To give to someone more than I give in any other relationship
7. To be able to make someone happy by just being with them
8. To live with someone who I chose and who chose me (unlike family which we’re born with and don’t get to pick), and I have committed to spend the rest of my life with and vica versa (unlike friends or roommates who might come and go)
9. To have someone special to cook for
10. Someone to clean for (you know I must love you if I clean up after you.)
11. So that I don’t have to be alone/ I have someone to be with
12. Someone to go on walks with
13. Someone to open cans/jars
14. Someone to take out the garbage
15. Someone to kill/ get rid of bugs (although I can totally see myself ending up with someone who is more afraid of bugs than I am, and when I’m around people like that I magically find the ability to get rid of them myself.)
16. Someone to get rid of rodents (Yes, I am scared of mice.)
17. To have kids/ a family
18. Because it will make my parents happy to see me happy
19. Because my grandparents have told me they want great-grandkids
20. For my siblings who want a brother-in-law, and nieces/nephews
21. Because I would really like to get married before my younger sister who is approaching the time in her life when she will be ready to start dating
22. Because I love family, and when you get married you get more family members- aunts, uncles, cousins…
23. To move out of the New York area (particularly to Israel. Even though I could do this on my own, most of my friends and family live in the New York area and I wouldn’t want to leave them and move somewhere all by myself.)
24. So I can live in a house. Much more spacious than in an apartment, but what would I do with all that space all by myself?
25. Because marriage is good for spiritual growth
26. Because covering my hair will be awesome on 3 day yontifs and bad hair days!
27. To never have to worry about straightening my hair ever again
28. I love Mitzvos- there are more mitzvos to keep when married
29. To find a new closest best friend
30. For the new dishes and all the presents that come along with getting married
31. To be complete and not like I’m missing half my soul
32. To share every aspect of my life with someone
33. Money- two salaries are better than one
34. So people will stop feeling bad for me/ giving me looks of pity
35. So I can avoid the awkwardness that comes after comments such as, “You’re single? Oh, I hated being single, I’m glad that’s over. Dating was terrible.” (Um, what do you say to that one?)
36. Someone to sing with/to sing zemirot with/someone to do harmony with
37. Because weddings are so much fun
38. Because vorts/ engagement parties are so much fun
39. Because bridal showers are not fun unless you are the bride
40. Physical Intimacy
41. Social pressure- it’s what society wants from me
42. To build a home where the shechina can rest- i.e. a Bayit Neeman Biyisrael
43. Curiosity- because I’m so curious what the person I’m going to end up with will be like. (Will he be outgoing or quiet? Short or tall?)
44. “Tovim Hashnaim min haechad” - two are better than one, can accomplish more than one
45. Because Hashem said that לא טוב היות אדם לבדו
46. To have the Ezer Kinegdo Relationship
47. Because research studies show that married people are happier
48. To better understand the concept of Ahavat Hashem. The relationship of B’nei Yisrael to Hashem is compared to husband and wife
49. To better understand Shir Hashirim
50. To have kids and understand how Hashem relates to us as a parent
51. So that I never have to go on an awkward first date ever again!
52. No more singles Shabbatons
53. So that I never again have to get rejected after what I thought was a good date
54. So that no one will call me “picky”
55. No more dating drama
56. No more shadchanim who think that just because he is a Jewish guy and I am a Jewish girl we have enough in common to get married
57. To see Hashem’s hashgacha in my life- it’s a miracle to find that one in a million
58. To be able to thank Hashem for answering my Tefillot
59. To have a marriage anniversary- just another occasion to celebrate- and to receive gifts!
60. So when creepy guys hit on me in the subway I can say things like “my husband would not be too happy about this…” (I could do that now, but I’m not a good liar)
61. To finally be able to see shtick that guys do at weddings!! I can never see over all the women who push to the front so I have no clue what kind of cool things go on.
62. So I can always been sincerely happy when others get engaged and married instead of feeling “When will that be me?”
63. So I can start this next stage of my life
64. So that I won’t end up being an old maid
65. It’s the cool thing to do
66. I love proposal stories and can’t wait for the day when it’s a reality and I can stop dreaming about my own
67. I love stories about how couples met, and can’t wait to have my own of those, too.
68. To have someone around to fix broken things- guys are handy
69. To be with someone who inspires me, someone for me to inspire
70. To be “Mrs.”
71. To have an extra hand to help my father build the Sukkah
72. Someone (else) to sit with my father in shul
73. To have someone who can be chazan and sing my favorite tunes
74. Because going to a restaurant by yourself is pathetic, and going with a friend is just not the same thing as with a spouse.
75. Because life is more fun when it is experienced with someone else
76. To be on onlysimchas.com
77. To change my status on Facebook to “married”
78. To rekindle old friendships- somehow when you get engaged/married, people come out of nowhere to wish you Mazel Tov
79. Someone to travel the world with
80. To have a place that I call “home” that is not my parents house (I try to call my current apartment “home,” but it just doesn’t stick. Although I suppose in some sense my parents’ house will just always be home.)
81. Because when I see parents who mistreat their children in public (such as on the subway) I long to prove that I will be a better parent than that
82. Because I like to see things from different perspectives and guys think very differently than girls
83. To have deep meaningful conversations
84. To be able to learn more Torah. Let’s face it, guys know more Torah than girls because they have a Mitzvah to learn Torah. I hope he’ll share some of that knowledge with me. (“Hey honey, guess what I learned today?”)
85. So I can stop worrying, “What if I never get married? What if there is no one out there for me?”
86. So I can be a shadchan and set people up
87. So my single friends can use me as their “married friend” reference
88. Two words: Diamond Ring. (Actually, I personally dislike jewelry, and wish I didn’t have to wear a ring when the time comes, but I know if I don’t then I’ll spend my life answering the people who ask me why I’m not wearing one. I felt like I had to put this on for all the people who were thinking it.)
89. To have someone to look good for (note: I mainly look good for myself. But it would be nice to have someone else to appreciate it, too.)
90. So I can eat whatever I want without having to worry that I might *gasp* gain a few pounds
91. A great way to lose weight- to have someone to give half the bag of M & M's to
92. Marriage = Sharing. Sharing = Caring.
93. It’s a great excuse for being antisocial
94. Someone to help shovel the snow. Women are just not as strong as men. (Ok, at least I’m not)
95. Someone to shop for- I’ve never bought a tie!
96. To learn new things- like how to tie a tie. (OK, *you* try coming up with101 reasons…)
97. Someone to argue with every now and then. Resolving conflict is so satisfying. Shalom Bayit takes work, but the end results seem to be amazing.
98. So that I’ll understand things like why newly married friends fall off the face of the planet (As in, “When you’re married, you’ll understand.)
99. Because when I look at my parents, and my grandparents, who are so in love and such great role models of what a good marriage should be, I wish that I had what they have.
100. Because true love is a powerful emotion, that I believe has the power to change a person
101. Because I am impatient and I’m waiting...

Now that you have read the list:
• Any reasons that I missed? Any other reasons you can think of?
• Pick 3-5 that you would say rank pretty high on your list




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"One and Done" vs. Second Date = Second Chance

Before I started dating, someone, possibly a teacher, told me that one should always go on a second date unless the first date was a really, really big disaster. The reasoning is that sometimes people are nervous on a first date, or you don’t get to know them really, or perhaps they’ll grow on you. I know plenty of people who subscribe to this philosophy as well, and I include myself in that category. I have two thoughts about this. The first is that my experience (and when I say “my experience” it’s not only my personal experience, but also when consulting others who are dating) seems to indicate that this is told a lot more to girls than it is to guys. Guys are given more leeway to end things earlier while girls are pushed to continue and try it again.

My second thought is that the line is not always clear. How does one define what qualifies as a bad enough first date that a second is not worth a shot? In a case when the date was awful, and you were miserable the whole time, there were major problems or issues that came up, and you kept waiting impatiently for it to be over, then it seems clear that it was a “one and done.” Especially if your gut reaction to the thought of spending another minute with the person is, “Noooooo!!”

That type of situation has only happened to me twice, and in both cases the hardest part was dealing with shadchan/ the person who set us up. I didn’t want to hurt their feelings by telling them that they were very off target, especially since in both cases I matched up on paper with the guys, and it was just a matter of a lack of connection in person, which they could not have foreseen in advance in either case. So then I end up explaining that the person wasn’t for me, while assuring them that it wasn’t awful or so far off. But if it wasn’t so awful or far off, then the person is curious as to why I am refusing to go on a second date. At some point, I just have to tell them to trust me on this one.

The thing is, what about when it’s not clearly awful? What about the cases where it wasn’t amazing, but it wasn’t terrible? You know, where you might have had an awkward silence here and there, but overall conversation flowed and your date wasn’t completely unattractive? In some of those cases you can still just have a gut feeling that this person is not right for you. It doesn’t always need to be awful for you to feel that it is not going to work. This goes back to my post about being picky- it is as though if I don’t give a guy a second chance, even though I can tell it is going nowhere, then I am accused of not being fair and being too selective. Which is why I hope that the guy will say no so that I won’t have to, and if he does, I breathe a huge sigh of relief. No one can blame me this time. It seems to me that if a date is in the mediocre category, guys are more quickly to be done with it than girls are.

After a first date I try to think about how much the guy was really able to get to know me, and sometimes I feel they got a good gist of it, while sometimes I feel like they barely know me at all. I mean, really, how well can you know another person after a few hours? How can you be sure after a few hours that a person is definitely not the right one for you, if there were no huge outstanding issues? I ask this sometimes, yet admit that I am guilty of being quick to trust my gut. Which is not a bad thing, because it’s usually right. In both of the cases where I went on completely awful dates, I had a feeling the date would be bad within the first 3 minutes of my phone calls with the guys.

Usually, unless I can’t picture spending another minute with the person, I believe in second chances. This is because it can’t hurt to try again, whereas if I say no too quickly, the risk is losing my bashert. Some people, however, subscribe to the other philosophy; unless there was something special about the date, then it is not worth going on a second date. No need to justify it. Once was more than enough, thank you very much.

Food for thought: What is your approach? Do you believe in second chances? Do you believe it is possible for people have a gut feeling after one date, or do you think that is ridiculous since you barely got to know the person?



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Murphy’s Laws of Shidduch Dating

We all have experienced in life that, "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong". With that in mind, I present to you Murphy’s Laws of Shidduch Dating:

1. If you have been waiting all night for a guy to call, and you decide to go to the bathroom, he will call during those five minutes. (When you do connect it goes something like this: “I’m sorry I missed your call….” Followed by “Oh, I didn’t mean to call at an inconvenient time…” followed by “Oh it wasn’t an inconvenient time…” I’ve been waiting all night for you to call!)

2. If you agree to go out with someone who seems to fit basically what you're looking for, someone who seems like an even better fit will be suggested to you right afterwards, who you will have to say no to. (And we all know that then when you become available, that person has since moved on to someone else.)

3. If you forget to turn your phone off/ on to silent during a date, it will ring. (Even if everyone you know who could possibly be calling you is busy!)

4. If you are running late, your date will be running early. If you are sitting waiting for your date, your date will inevitably get stuck in traffic.

5. If you decide to dress for sitting/indoor date, then your date will ask at the end if you’d like to go on a walk. (Never wear high heels that you can’t walk in. Always bring an extra layer if it’s cold)


Now comes the fun part: Please add some of your own! There are plenty of other things that could go wrong, and have gone wrong. What are some things that have gone wrong on your dates? What are some things that could potentially go wrong on dates that you have always been worried would happen? Most of these are from a female perspective- guys, what goes wrong for you on dates?


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Why I Won't Settle

So, is it just me or is it impossible to date for more than a year or two and avoid being called picky? Maybe it’s just females who have this issue? Maybe it’s just me? Does everyone who doesn’t find the right person right away get called picky? Maybe I am picky. I don’t think so, though.

There have been times when something someone has said to me implied that perhaps I was being too selective and declining suggestions without a valid reason- sometimes before even going out on a date ("How do you know- you didn't even go out with him!"), or sometimes after only a short number of dates ("How can you know after only __ date(s)!"). I have certain qualifications that are super important to me (around five, in case you were wondering) and if a guy fits those, then I will give them a chance. In pretty much all of those cases I caved in and went on the date or on another date, against my better judgment, and as you can see by the fact that I’m still single, I was right.

Alright, alright, I’m coming off my high horse. Let me quickly get rid of the image you probably have in your head right now, in case I’m painting a picture that makes it sound like there’s tons of guys who are dying to go out with me and I sit in a castle with my nose held high dismissing them one by one. Do not think that is the case at all, as that is quite far from the reality. However, this is not a post about the guys who don't want to date me. No one is blaming me for that. I will say that in terms of the guys I have dated, I would say that about one third of the time the guy was the one to end it, about one third of the time I was the one to do so, and one third of the time it was mutual. What irks people, I suppose, is that sometimes everything seems right and should work, but for some reason it does not. Perhaps that makes me picky. Perhaps I am picky. But if I am, let me at least explain why.

My goal is not to just get married; it is to build a home of Torah with a person with who I love, and who loves me. I would rather not get married at all then end up in a bad marriage, a difficult marriage, or divorced, Chas v’shalom. If it is not the right person, then it’s not worth getting married. If this means I have to wait a very long time, then I will wait.

Trust me; I want to get married very, very, very much. So much that it is painful to be single sometimes. But that doesn’t mean that I will ever give up on my dream of finding true love, or finding someone who I can build a life with because we complete each other and can create so much together. Marriage is about creating, building, growing. “May you BUILD a Bayit Neeman B’Yisrael” we wish to those who are engaged.

Tovim Hashnayim Min HaEchad, writes Shlomo Hamelech in Mishlei. The immense potential that exists when two people come together is much greater than one person all by herself. Two people working together accomplish more than just one. I don’t want to be just me; I want a partner in life.

But not a partner who doesn’t share my goals, my values. Not a partner who I don’t respect. Not a partner who isn’t kind, who isn’t committed to Torah and Hashem and the Jewish people. I am looking for someone who I want to be with, who wants to be with me. Someone I can give to, who I can give happiness to.

I’m not looking for Mr. Perfect. I know that whoever I marry, he will have faults. In fact he better have faults, because I certainly have faults and I would feel too imperfect to be with someone perfect. I also know that he probably won’t be exactly like I expect, and that life will surprise me. I know whenever I find him, we will get into arguments and fights, because life is never smooth sailing. We won’t be one hundred percent happy one hundred percent of the time.

I have faith in Hashem that I will find the right person one day. I try to be as open as I can, but at the end of the day, if there is an obstacle stopping our ability to build a home together, we are not right. Perhaps that makes me picky.

To end off, here is an interesting email that has been making the rounds. Luckily I have never encountered this type of attitude personally, though I have heard of people who are like this, obviously on a less exaggerated scale:




Revelations of a Burnt- Out Shadchan .....

It's so hard to please anyone these days!!!
Here is a partial list of my clients .... I couldn't even get them one date, and that is why I am finally quitting and going into the pickle business.

Avraham Avinu: How can you recommend him to my daughter? Wasn't he involved in a family feud with his father over some idols? Then he left home without a GPS or a viable business plan!

Yitzchak Avinu: His brother is an Arab terrorist!!!

Rivka Imeinu: Sorry, she seems nice but did you hear about her mishpuche??? Her father's a murderer and her brother's a ponzi scam artist... .

Yaakov Avinu: Okay, he sits and learns all day... but his brother is a no-goodnik. And anyway, we heard he has a limp..... .

Leah Imeinu: Her father's a con artist, and she has ophtalmological problems. Maybe it's genetic?

Moshe Rabbeinu: Are you kidding? His parents are divorced! And worse.. they remarried! And we hear he's in speech therapy....

King David: How dare you suggest him to our yichusdike family? Our neighbor Yenti told us that his great-grandmother was a giyoret!!!

Chava: Do you know anything about her family? We never heard of them. No one knows where she came from and she can't come up with any referrals!

Please chevra, judge the person for him/herself - you're going to marry the person, not the family. You're getting married to build your home, not to please your neighbors. And finally, remember that if you are in this world, you are not perfect and neither is your spouse.
(Translated loosely from Arutz Sheva)



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EDIP: Emergency Dating Interference Procedures

Shidduch dating is risky business because you never really know how a date may go. You might have had the best phone call, and a person may have sounded great on paper, but then you arrive on the date, and suddenly things are not going quite as well. You notice that it has been a full minute since either of you has said something, which in dating time feels like an hour, and as you desperately rack your brain trying to think of something, anything to say, you try to sneak a peek at your watch. Only to discover that you haven’t yet spend an hour with this person.

If you’re a guy, then you’re in control and you have to just stick it out until it’s been long enough for you to say, “OK, let’s head back now,” or something to indicate that it is time to end the date, and then take the girl back home. If you are the girl however, then you are stuck waiting for the guy to end the date. And if he is having a jolly old time, while you are smiling on the outside and going crazy on the inside, then drastic measures are in order. Some of us are the blunt and comfortable type and don’t mind saying gently, “Are you ready to head back?” but sometimes guys just don’t seem to get the hint. Therefore, I would like to make a suggestion.

We need to establish girl code EDIP: Emergency Dating Interference Procedures. (Also called: eDip). My problem is that none of my eDip plans seem to work. In theory, the way eDip would work is that Girl A would make a plan with her friend, Girl B, to call with an emergency in the middle of the date. Then if all was going terrible, Girl A could excuse herself, answer her phone and apologize profusely and explain that she needs to take care of the emergency. The obvious problem with this is: who answers their phone in the middle of a date? That is just rude. So scratch that plan. My next idea for a plan is to take advantage when your date goes to the bathroom and pretend to be on the phone when he comes out, with someone who calls with an emergency. If your date doesn’t take a break, then this plan doesn’t work either. If your phone starts ringing while you are “pretending” to be on the phone, then this plan goes up in smokes as well.

My third attempt at eDip would be to tell the friend where you are going so the friend can show up and interrupt your date. But what do you do if you’re actually having a good time? How would you signal to your friend that the eDip should be called off? It seems there is no way for us to rescue our friends from bad dates early, nor is there a way for them to save us. I suppose we are doomed to being forced to stick it out.

Perhaps one of you has a better suggestion. Any ideas for a successful eDip?

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The System

Despite complaints directed against the shidduch system, I recently had an experience that reminded me of its advantages. I was talking to a co-worker who is a non-religious Jew, and she was telling me about the guy she is dating. She explained that although she likes him a lot, she knows he is not the right person for her, and she does not want to marry him. For those wondering why she was dating him at al, it had been clear from other conversations as well that she was just dating him for fun- she liked him, she enjoyed spending time with him etc. When I asked her why she would not marry him despite her feelings for him, she paused and responded that they have different values and went on to elaborate a few areas in which he did not share her outlooks on issues that were important to her.

The conversation reminded me why the process of finding out important information about a potential date before dating is a good system. If you’re dating because you want to find a life partner, it is important to first make sure you are basically on the same page as a person. Because if you don’t do it that way, then you end up meeting someone, developing serious romantic feelings for them, and by the time you realize that he’s headed in one direction and you are headed the opposite way, you end up with a painful break up. I guess, if you’re only looking for fun and not marriage, then why not go out with anyone who you get along with and are attracted to? In the case of my coworker, (or those like her) I think she is started to reach the point where she is done having fun and ready for a serious relationship, but is so used to just dating people she is interested in without checking out the important stuff early on in the process. That’s the problem with dating for marriage outside the shidduch system.

On the other hand, one problem with the shidduch system,(which I also wrote about here) is that at times, too much emphasis is placed on compatibility on the values level and not enough on the “do these two people get along” level. Or not necessarily too much emphasis on values, but rather emphasis on the wrong values, or on small details that people pretend are values. This video which I have recently seen posted in a number of places and has been emailed to me by a number of friends is a humorous demonstration of how extreme it can be. For example, people have suggested guys for me whose parents are divorced, and they made sure to tell me that in advance. Things like that (that is just an example) slightly bother me because they are not make-it or break-it items, as opposed to factors such as religious level/observance or the type of lifestyle that they would like to have. One might argue that a person whose parents are divorced is probably negatively affected by that and/or perhaps have not had a positive model for a healthy romantic relationship.

To that I respond that if that is the case, we should also be asking about whether a person has had any traumatic experiences that might affect their future relationships, such as being abused by a teacher or being bullied as a child or every single negative. Perhaps some people do ask about those things. In which case I wonder: Are all of those whose lives aren’t perfect (by certain standards, anyway), which describes most people because such is life, doomed to never get married? My decision to go on a date with someone is not based on if their parents are divorced, or what their cousins do for a living. Nor is it based on what happened to them on the second day of school in fifth grade or how many times they blinked when they were two weeks old.

Despite the flaws of the shidduch system, namely that people can get carried away in attributing importance to small details, luckily most people I have personally encountered are pretty reasonable, and my conversation with my coworker was a good reminder that the system is at least good in theory. Before you develop feelings and become invested in a relationship that you hope will lead towards marriage, it is good to make sure your basic values are the same. Once you know you’re headed in the same direction, you can meet up and figure out whether you would like to head in that direction together.

For Papa, for Mama

There is a line in the Fiddler on the Roof song “Matchmaker,” (a song which, as a side point, I do not particular like for a number of reasons) where the daughters dream about the young man they hope to end up with, that goes:

“For Papa, make him a scholar, for Mama, make him rich as a king…”

I couldn’t help but think about this line as I was on one particular date, and while I was listening to the guy talk all I could think about was how much my parents would like him because he had certain characteristics, and how certain of my siblings would like him for various other characteristics. There was a particular activity that he enjoyed that my father enjoys as well, and I could picture my father’s face lighting up were I to tell him I was dating a guy who liked such things. For some reason, however, I just didn’t like the guy myself. Just to set the record straight, I really tried to like him.

This got me thinking about how fortunate I am to be very close with my parents and to see eye to eye with them in most areas. Their opinion is very valuable to me, and I can’t imagine ever marrying someone who they did not approve of. They are very supportive of me and they trust my judgment, so if there was someone who I liked that much, I think they would probably like that person too. Even though some use marriage as another way of rebelling against their parents, I am quite the opposite and every time I date a guy I think about how he would fit into my family. Finding the right person is not just about finding someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with and who wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but someone who my family wants to spend the rest of their lives with too.

Interestingly, the situation has never happened in reverse. I don’t think I’ve ever dated a guy who I liked, but who I thought my parents would disapprove of. Probably this is because my parents are not pressuring and have never, ever told me something that they want or expect of the guy I marry, so long as I am happy. When I say I thought my parents would like the guy I mentioned before (even though I did not) I mean that I know them well enough to know that even though they insist they will be happy with any guy I choose (and who chooses me), there are still certain personalities and certain types of guys that I know they would get along with better than others.

So when I met a guy who I thought they would like, I was determined to give it a chance. But I realized that when it comes down to it, there is a certain point where you shouldn't be trying quite that hard. I’m the one marrying the guy, and not them, so even though they get stuck with whoever I choose, my opinion matters the most. Even though he might have been good “for papa” and “for mama,” the rest of the song continues with the words “for me,” and that is equally important to consider. But the point is that it is equal, it is not just about me. Now I just have to find someone who fits both the “for papa, for mama” and the “for me.”

Meeting Naturally

He looks at me, and I look right back at him. At the moment that our eyes meet, we both glance away blushing slightly, pretending we weren’t looking at all. Perhaps he thinks I’m cute, and perhaps I am thinking the same thing about him. This scene has taken place in various forms in any number of places, be it in the supermarket, on the train, during Kiddush at shul, or on the street. The question that pops into my head is always, “Now what?”

I have friends and know people who “met naturally” i.e. without a shadchan or person setting them up. I’m just not sure how they managed to do that. I mean, take the scenario above. Great, I noticed a frum Jewish guy around my age. Assuming he is not dating/engaged/married/otherwise taken, and assuming that there is a chance we are compatible hashkafically and in terms of personality (which of course you can never really know before you find out more about the person), then how do we get from the point of “we-are-both-looking-at-each-other-curiously” to the point of talking and then possibly to dating? Note that each of those steps is a giant impossible leap. Let’s start with the first step. There is no way that I would walk up to a random guy and approach him. Social rules say that is not accepted, and even if it was I am way too shy. Unless I could make up some sort of excuse. So that leaves the only possibility of us talking up to the possibility that he will approach me. Which he will probably never do for one of the following reasons:

1. Fear of rejection. I understand that, I would be too chicken myself. Any guy who approaches a girl he doesn’t know has got to have some guts.
2. Fear that I will think he is creepy for approaching me. Depending on what he says and how he says it, this fear might be valid and I might very well end up thinking, “Why did this random guy just randomly start talking to me?” I, however, consider myself a relatively friendly person, and if a guy came up to me and said something normal, (and not creepy, for instance, “You have nice eyes.”) then I’d like to think I would give him a chance.
3. What in the world is he supposed to say??

In theory I could think of ways he could say to me, but in my mind they never seem to play out. For example, if we are in the supermarket, he could say something like, “Do you know how much this box of cookies costs?” Firstly, this seems somewhat lame, and I would never say such a thing to a guy, and if he said that to me, then I would simply answer him with the price if I know it or that I don’t know if I don’t, and then there the conversation dies and we continue along our merry ways. To sum up, it seems that even if either one of us could conquer the fear of being rejected as a weirdo or a creep for approaching someone we don’t know for no apparent reason, then the problem is that we would simply have nothing to say to start off the conversation. Perhaps it is simply that my conversation starters need some work, but I can’t imagine how a guy is supposed to approach me.

If by some miracle we were able to start chatting, and this chat was going nicely and over the course of a brief five minutes there was a mutual positive feeling towards one another, then where in the world would it go from there? He can’t ask for my number or ask me out on the spot- that would just not be OK after 5 minutes of talking. So then we depart, never to see or hear from each other again, and there you have it, the impossibility of a date happening naturally.

I just don’t understand how people meet each other “naturally.” It seems to me that the only way to meet each other is if your friends know a guy (or if you are a guy, then your friends know a girl) and introduce you. But then how did they meet that guy?

Questions for the readers: Have you ever met someone “naturally” and if so how did that go? Have you ever/would you ever walk up to someone of the opposite gender to try and start conversation? What in the world would you say?? If someone approached you, would you be creeped out? What are your thoughts on “meeting naturally”?

The Tale of the Good First Date

We are sitting comfortably on the couch with our feet up, our shoes neatly laid out on the floor. The hour is late, an ideal time for deep, meaningful conversations. As our talking begins to slow down she finally concludes with, “It was a disaster of a date!” I nod in agreement sympathetically, reviewing each detail that she shared with me in my mind.

Although it has never happened quite like that, this story has happened many times over. Friends will frequently tell me horror first date stories that range from ones that went completely wrong to stories of dates that weren’t terrible, but contain a good story of something awful or awkward that was said or done by their date.

Bad4 has a nice collection of bad dating stories over here and she links to one of the craziest stories I’ve ever seen over here -I think that story is pretty unbelievable.

While I enjoy listening to these stories, I tend to feel left out when these stories are being discussed, since I don’t have any really great bad first date stories. That is not to say that I’ve never been on a bad date, just none that were extremely awful that have any remarkable stories (Bli Ayin Harah!). My bad dates seem to consist of either too many awkward silences or just a general feeling of “Ok clearly we are not meant to be together and this is not going to work” based on our conversation. The only stories I have involve the time I was on a date when it was windy and the guy’s Kippah flew off and he ran and chased after it, and certain times when guys said things that I thought should definitely not be said on a first date, let alone any date, or actually ever.

I do, however, have a number of “good first date” stories. The problem with these stories is that good first date stories are only really good when the end of the story is that you married the person. In that case you can say, “He did such-and-such on our first date, and from that moment on everything went right!” Or something like that anyway. No one wants to hear good first date stories that don’t end with marriage because they are just not as fun as bad date stories. Bad stories with bad endings are more fun than good stories with bad endings, because bad stories you can just say “wow that was awful!” but good stories with bad endings just produce the following reaction: “Oh.”

I have decided to share these stories anyway, because I think it is important to stay positive. Instead of channeling frustration by making a list for guys of “don’t do this on a first date,” it’s good for guys to have a list of things that girls appreciate and like on a first date.

And with that nice introduction, here is my list of “good first date” stories, or things that guys did early on that I thought were really nice. One or two of these stories are from friends, but they are all written in first person to keep things more simple.

1. When we were on the phone discussing locations of where to go on our date, one guy gave me a choice of three options of where we could go. I thought this was better than the general "what do you want to do," since I feel uncomfortable choosing a location when he is the one paying, and it is better than just picking a place without taking my preferences into consideration at all. (Side note: I am pretty flexible and don’t care about location at all- so far no guy has ever suggested something that I wasn’t up for at all, but it is still nice to be asked.)

2. In between my phone call with the guy and our first date was shabbos. On Friday he texted me something to the extent of: “Have a Good Shabbos! Looking forward to meeting you.” I thought that was sweet.

3. After mentioning casually that I was traveling somewhere (not far) after a night-time date, my date expressed concern for my well being, since he was not sure if traveling so late to this place was safe (it was!) and he asked me to text him when I got back OK. Even though I was perfectly safe, I couldn’t help but smile when he said that. When I was almost at my destination, he texted me "Did you get home OK?"

4. This is a good second date story, but I’m including it anyway. For a second date, one guy suggested we go somewhere and the suggestion was based on an unusual activity I had mentioned on our first date that I enjoy. I was very impressed because it showed that he was listening to everything I said.

5. One guy complimented me on something I was wearing. After a moment of being alarmed and thinking, “Wait, why is he noticing what I’m wearing? Since when do guys notice these things? Why is he complimenting me- no guy has ever done that is that normal?” I realized he was just being nice and I should just accept the compliment. I smiled and said, “Thank you.”

6. I once went on a date when I was in a location not near my home that I was unfamiliar with. The guy and I agreed that it made most sense to meet up in the place we were going to go on our date. Having the awful sense of direction that I do, I of course managed to get lost. So there I was in some random place, which I knew wasn’t too far from where I was supposed to be, but I had no clue how to get there. Slightly embarrassed, I explained the situation to the guy, who was super nice about the whole situation, told me to stay put and he walked all the way to where I was to come get me.

After reading these you might be tempted to ask, “Why didn’t it work out with any of these guys? They seem great!” This brings me to a point that I have been longing to make for a while now, especially in the role I mentioned above which I find myself in very often, the role of the listening friend. The point is: Just because a guy is a great guy, does not necessarily mean I want to marry him. Hopefully, most people in the world are good people. In fact as an optimist, I tend assume most people are nice unless they prove me wrong. (Don’t worry pessimists, I unfortunately find myself sometimes slipping towards the deep end.) Sometimes people act as though a person being “good” is enough reason to marry them, and in my humble opinion, that is not the case. They need to be “good for you” as well.

Just because a story doesn’t have a happy ending, doesn’t mean we can’t learn from it, grow from it, or even appreciate the good aspects of what it is. I can’t help but end by saying that one day, all of us singles, will find the story that doesn’t only have a happy beginning, but has a happy ending, too.

Seesaw

I glance down at my watch and begin to head out the door. Within seconds I feel the cool breeze and smell the fresh air, as I join the many commuters headed back to where they came from, via various means of transportation. For some reason it’s when I’m headed back home at the end of the day that sometimes this sad feeling sinks in of “I kind of wish I had someone special to be heading back home to.” Not that I don’t like where I’m living right now, but it’s not the same as being married and going home to your spouse. Or so I imagine, though perhaps I’m just dreaming.

The truth is that every day is different. Some days I find myself thinking, “Ok, if I didn’t get married for another couple of years, then that is perfectly fine, what is my rush?” while other days just the thought of being single for another few months is painful enough.

I’m not sure which one is harder or hurts more: Hoping every day that this will be day that I find the right person and being disappointed day after day, or giving up and saying that maybe I should just not expect to ever get married because it’s hard to keep holding on. I can’t hold on anymore, but I can’t let go. Neither one works for me, but I have to do one or the other.

So I do both and neither, seesawing back and forth. I despair and announce that I’ve had enough, I can’t take it anymore, and try to move on with my life, focus on the great things that I do have in my life, and go on pretending that life will be perfectly fine if I never get married. Why bother dreaming that I’ll get married soon, when it might take years and years? Other times, however, I encourage myself, strengthen my attitude, and remain persistent with my optimism, declaring each day that at any second I could meet the right person, or at least receive a phone call that leads to meeting the right person. This is something that I want and I cannot simply let go of that desire.

At the end of the day, like with everything in life, what works best is to find a balance. On the one hand it is crucial to hold strong and have faith, to know that one day it will happen and that is all that matters. Don’t give up hoping, dreaming, and searching. Yet at the same time it is important to accept life for what it is, to learn to deal with the fact that I don’t know when I will find the right person, and it might be a while, but that is OK because Hashem made my life exactly the way it is for a specific reason. Like most things, however, it is much easier said than done.

Which type are you? Thoughts on Waiting

Which type of person are you? Let’s say you have two pieces of food on your plate, one you like more than the other. For example, you have a salad and a piece of kugel, and you like the kugel better. Which one do you eat first? One school of thought is “save the best for last,” while the other approach is, “quick, eat the good stuff because who knows what will be later.” Do you eat the kugel first because it is your favorite and you’re so excited to eat it, or do you eat the salad first so that the taste that lingers in your mouth is the kugel, your favorite?

I have always taken the first approach to save the best for last, even if it’s not always the smarter move, it is just how I am. This is true when it comes to the food on my plate, as well as the other areas of my life. I made sure to take all the requirements for college as soon as I could to get them over with, to save the fun and interesting classes that I really wanted to take for later. This is because I like to have something to look forward to. Somehow it feels like I can make it through anything if I know there is something good waiting for me at the end. You know, the light at the end of the tunnel attitude. Part of this thinking, however, involves the good ending point being at a fixed point in time. I know exactly when my birthday is, so it is easy to look forward to it, but if someone tells you, “I’m going to give you gift,” but doesn’t say when, then the longer that time goes by, the more you start to think, “So, um, when exactly are they going to give me this gift? Are they really going to?”

This is part of what makes dating so difficult or frustrating at times. In some ways I would be much better off if someone walked up to me today and said, “Stop being anxious! You are going to meet the right person in 5 years from today, so stop worrying” than I would be if I were to find the right person in only 2 years, without knowing that information in advance. Instead I’m stuck with that secret hoping of, “Maybe it will happen today…or maybe not for years.”

I was thinking about this recently and I realized I have it all wrong. Instead of being so focused on when I’m finally going to get married and I won’t have to wait anymore, I should be focusing on the fact that there is a lot of good in the fact that I have to wait- it gives me something to look forward to. You see, once I get the good thing I’ve been waiting for, I’m inevitably left with this drop of sadness of “Oh, now it’s over. What will I look forward to next?” I remember when I read the final book of the Harry Potter series. I had been waiting to read the seventh book probably ever since I finished the third and had to wait for the fourth, finish it, then wait forever for the fifth, then wait forever for the sixth and then wait for the seventh. As much as I enjoyed reading the book, and I enjoyed it a great deal, when I reached that last sentence on that last page, I was so sad that there was no next book to look forward to.

Marriage, of course, is a different story because it is not something you reach and then move past the way you finish a book or the way you eat a piece of kugel and then it’s over. But there is the point of waiting to meet the person, and then you’ve met them and the mystery of, “Who will I spend the rest of my life with?” is over. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I’d rather stay on this side of the mystery, I can’t wait to be on the other side, spending my life with the person. What I am saying is that this side of the mystery has some good aspects, firstly that there is something to look forward to, something to hope for, something to dream about, and while I’m not there yet I might as well enjoy that aspect.

Another good aspect is something I touched upon in this post about appreciating the process. It’s a reflection that I had when I was looking back at the past year around Rosh Hashanah time, and that is the fact that I realized that last year at this time I was not quite as ready to get married as I thought I was, and that last year at this time my desire to get married was not nearly as strong as it is now. As each day goes by I feel more and more ready to get married and I want to get married more and more and more. I truly believe that there is a point where you cannot possibly want to get married anymore, no matter how many more years pass, no matter how many more days pass, no matter how many more Tefillot you daven, no matter how many more dates you go on. And as many times as I’ve thought I’ve reached that point, I am no where near that point at all. There is benefit, I think, from Hashem’s perspective, to forcing me to wait until my desire is stronger, because the greater my desire to get married, the greater my happiness will be when I finally meet the right person.

It’s like a child in a candy store. If the child asks her mother for a candy and the mother says, “Yes,” then the child takes the candy and eats it and is perfectly content and satisfied. But if the child asks and is refused and then asks again and is again refused, then ten minutes later when the child screams on the top of her lungs, “PLEASE, MOMMY, PLEASE????!!!” and the mother gives in and says, “Yes, my darling, Ok, I will give you a candy,” the child’s response is to jump up and down excitedly shouting “YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” And while being content is nice, a big huge “yay” is a whole lot better. Every day that I wait I want to get married even more, and I know the “yay” gets bigger and bigger, too. Yet at the same time, I certainly hope to get married soon and that my “yay” doesn’t end up getting stretched to be as big as it could be.

I don’t want to wait forever to get married, and I certainly hope each day that it will happen soon, but in the meantime I appreciate that I have something to look forward to, because that is always fun, even if I don’t know the exact end point in time. And even though at times I get impatient or frustrated, I can feel the “yay” feeling growing until the time when I don’t have to wait anymore.

Younger Siblings and Shidduchim

Well, it finally happened, and I was completely unprepared for it. My younger sister informed me that her first friend/acquaintance her age just got engaged. She just got back from seminary, a few months ago. This actually happened a little while ago, and I have been gathering my thoughts on the subject. Reading Bad4’s post ("Why I Need to Get Married Fast") on this topic, along with my sister telling me of another engagement, reminded me of the main thought running through my head when I originally heard my sister’s news: Now I officially feel old. I usually don't claim to be approaching the "old maid" category, since I know that I am nowhere near there yet (depending on who you ask :) ). I even have a birthday coming up soon and I am excited for it, not dreading it- if anything it reminds me just how young I am in the scheme of things. This piece of news, however, made me feel old. It took me by surprise and for the first time my thoughts jumped to a question I never considered, “What if my younger sister gets married before I do?”

Lately I seem to be hearing more and more about younger siblings who get married before their older siblings. I even heard about a support group for singles whose younger siblings are getting married. If the younger sibling is only one or two years younger than you, then I don’t think it’s quite as big a deal, but if your younger sibling is three or more years younger than you, then I would imagine that it would be really difficult. Whenever I hear of someone getting engaged and I know they have an older sibling who is not yet married, right after I think “Mazel Tov” I cringe and think, “Oy, I feel bad for them.” And I know, no singles want pity, the worst thing in the world is to be looked at as a nebach, as in “I’m so sorry, I feel so bad for you.” But I can’t help feeling that way, I can’t help feeling that they must be in some kind of pain. I put myself in their shoes and all I can feel is “Ouch. That has got to hurt.”

I never really thought about the possibility of my sister getting married before I did because she is so much younger and I always assumed I’d be married long before she even started dating. In fact, I still hope that to be the case, since unlike Bad4’s sister, I don’t believe my sister intends to start dating for another year or two. So I have a little while before I need to really worry about this, and I hope that I won’t have to. But in all honestly, if I’m not married in two years and my sister wants to start dating, it will probably be very hard for me. I will of course tell her to start dating, and I would never want to hold her back, but I can’t picture attending her wedding while I am still single, with everyone glancing nervously over at me, wondering how I’m holding up. The very thought of that possibility is painful. I definitely don’t understand how those who have more than one younger sibling married before them handle it.

When I step back and try to think about this from an objective standpoint, it really makes no sense that it should be so difficult. I’ve heard about tons of engagements of those younger than I am. Hashem has a time for everything and some people have to wait longer to find their shidduch than others. Why should I feel anything but happiness if my younger sibling doesn’t have to wait as long as I do? It doesn’t bother me that my sister’s friend is engaged and getting married before me. I knew that it was likely that one of her friends could get married before I did when she came home from seminary a few months ago and I was still single. But somehow the idea of my sister and not some random other person hits closer to home, it is more personal. This is someone who I’ve known since the second she was born, and have always just assumed that I would get married first. The difficulty is not only in the sudden need to reject my previous expectations, but to watch someone so close to me reach a stage of life that I long to reach myself, yet always found unobtainable.

Questions for the readers: Do any of you have younger siblings who got married before you? If so, how did you deal with this? If you have a younger sibling who is not married- would you be OK with them getting married first or would it be painful? Thoughts?

The "Im Yirtzeh Hashem By You" Debate

Let’s just set the scene for a minute. You’re at your friend’s engagement party or wedding, and you wait on line patiently for a bracha. Finally your turn arrives and they give you a bracha, to which they add at the end, “Im Yirtzeh Hashem by you!” What is your reaction to such a statement? Does it upset you and make you feel like a nebach, or do you think, “Wow, that was a nice bracha”? Bad4 had a negative reaction, and it seems SiBW had to learn that the hard way. I am on both sides of this debate, so let me explain why I think singles should not be quite so offended by “Im Yirtzeh Hashem By You” (henceforth to be abbreviated as IYHBY), and why engaged/married people should hesitate before generously heaping on this well-meaning bracha.

I’m going to start with the negative side. Why do we hate IYHBY so much? Mostly, as Bad4 pointed out, it’s because it is said with a tone of great pity as though being single was the most sorry state of being, one that we should hope to escape from as soon as possible. Even if being single isn’t the greatest, no one wants to be treated like a nebach case. Additionally, often whey IYHBY is said, it comes across as though marriage is the most important thing in the entire world more important than anything else. Yes, I want to get married, and I think marriage is important. But it is definitely not the most important thing in the entire world, at least not to me personally. Happiness, for example, is far more important. If I had to pick between happiness and marriage, I would pick happiness. There are a few other things that are also more important than marriage. Saying IYHBY as though being single is the worst fate in the world, doesn't come across to well to singles.

Another personal aspect of IYHBY that bothers me is the literal translation- “If Hashem wants it to happen, then it should happen for you.” Well, I personally believe that Hashem wants all singles to get married! That’s why He commanded us Peru U’Revu. If someone doesn’t find the right person, then it is because there is something more important that Hashem wants from the person than marriage, that they need in order to fulfill their mission in this world. Maybe it is a test of Bitachon, we can never know why. But I still believe Hashem wants everyone to find their soulmate. It should probably be “B’Ezras Hashem,” with the help of Hashem, instead, (I never quite understood the difference between the two in practical usage) although that would not solve the issue that the phrase makes singles feel like pity cases. So why do engaged/married people use this phrase so much?

Baruch Hashem, after watching many friends get engaged and married, and studying them as they wish me a heartfelt IYHBY, I believe it is because they are so so so so so happy, and when you are that happy, you want to share your happiness with the world. At that moment, since you are a good friend, or even if you’re not a good friend, all they want for you is to be as happy as they are. Additionally, for a number of people, being engaged/married, especially if you are one of the first of your friends, comes with a tiny bit of guilt. Chana at The Curious Jew expressed it most beautifully in this unbelievable post, and I know I could see it when I looked into my friends’ eyes as they whispered their bracha to me, but part of them thinks, “Why am I engaged/married, while my friends are unable to find their basherts?” So IYHBY is the first thing that comes to mind.

So why does part of me love it when my friends wish me IYHBY? A few reasons. Firstly, despite the possible nebach implication, I in fact do want to get married, and I do hope IYHBY, so I’m glad to receive the bracha. Secondly, because I love to see my friends so happy that all they want is everyone to be as happy as them. And the fact that they want me to be as happy shows that they care about me. I find it touching that they want me to be happy.

So, engaged people, try to be sensitive to those who find IYHBY to be insulting or hurtful. Try instead, “I hope that one day very very very soon you will be just as happy as I am right now!” Try not to look down at us as nebachs. And singles, the next time we hear another IYHBY, in your heads, just do what I do, and translate it into, “I am happy, and I want to share that happiness, and it pains me that you, someone I care about so much, are not as happy as I am right now.” Even if it’s not what you want to hear, remember that it’s the thought that counts.

Watching the pot: To hope or not to hope

There is a famous saying, “A watched pot never boils.” Having spent much time in the kitchen, I can tell you that a watched pot does indeed boil, though obviously the point is true that seems to take much longer when you’re standing there watching the pot than it does when you leave the kitchen and keep yourself occupied with other things. Some have suggested that the same is true with shidduchim. If you take your mind off it and stop waiting around for it, then life will surprise you when you least expect it.

I would love to take this advice to heart, but it seems to be impossible as I seem to become the expert on imagining how any scenario whatsoever can lead to one’s finding their bashert. In my mind, all roads can lead to finding a spouse. This is coming from a good place, since I have focused on the message that Yeshuat Hashem K’Heref Ayin, that Hashem can save you in the blink of an eye, but unfortunately has been taken to an extreme. Let me explain.

Yeshuat Hashem K’Heref Ayin means that every single second of every single day no matter where you are or who you are with, every single second is the possible second of initiation of the series of events to lead you to find your bashert. Some situations are obvious, as they are clearly conducive to finding one’s bashert. For example, if someone is in a place where there are lots of single guys and lots of single girls, be it a wedding or shul or a singles Shabbaton or a situation like that, it is not so far fetched to imagine how one might meet their soulmate. Other situations it becomes slightly less plausible, yet I can still figure out how all roads lead to finding your bashert.

For example, walking down the street or taking the train. Your bashert could just show up randomly. Maybe you will accidentally drop something and they will rush to help you pick it up, maybe the only empty seat left on the bus will be next to you and they will sit there and you’ll end up talking. Maybe you’ll both be in the supermarket and there’s an item without a price tag and one of you will turn to the other and shyly ask if the other happens to know the price. The possibilities are endless.

Those aren’t even very far fetched. Here’s a challenging one: For a girl, walking into the ladies room. “Ha!” you think, “I’ll bet there’s no way she could come up with a way to meet a guy in a place where there are no guys!” Wrong. His mother or sister or cousin or aunt or grandmother could be in the bathroom and you could end up in a conversation with her, and she thinks you are so nice, that she decides to set you up. There is no situation that can’t lead to finding your bashert. Even if you are stuck stranded on a dessert island, you never know who could be on the boat that comes to rescue you.

This kind of thinking is hopeful, yet destructive. Because in case you haven’t noticed, 99 percent of the people you know did not meet through some outrageous barely conceivable series of events. If you spend every second hoping that this will be the second, that maybe a huge hurricane will sweep you off your feet and you’ll magically land right next to the right person, you’re in for a big disappointment. It could happen, but what are the chances? All roads have the potential to lead to finding your bashert, but most roads don’t. In fact, there is only going to be one road that does. We can’t spend every second watching the pot otherwise it will seem like it’s never going to boil.

I just wish I knew how to stop watching. Even when I decide firmly that I will not watch, I still glance over my shoulder. And if I manage to really stop glancing, there is always someone who will point out that this situation could lead to my bashert, and all of a sudden the power of suggestion has me watching again.

Someone was recently telling me about a girl who had barely started dating and already had thoughts wondering whether she would ever find the right person. I was surprised because she barely even started looking. How could she be ready to give up so soon? In addition, a few friends who have been “in the parsha” for a while have recently expressed to me that they think that they might never get married. I found this depressing, but they found it easier to live with that so that they can accept their life and move on without trying to fight reality. I admit that sometimes I worry about that too, but I still hold on strongly to the belief that I will fin the right person one day, even if takes longer than I expected.

So which approach is better? To believe that all roads can lead to finding your soulmate, and hoping in every situation that it could happen this second, and then being sourly disappointed when that is not the case, or believing that no roads lead to finding your soulmate and it’s never going to happen? At least then you can only be happily surprised. I’ve written before that my #1 rule of shidduchim is don’t get your hopes up. But that means don’t get your hopes up in individual situations, not in the long term ending of your story. Each situation may end up going nowhere, but don’t give up hope that it will end up OK.

Food for thought: Is it better to not watch the pot and wait for life to surprise you, or to watch the pot to make sure you don’t miss anything? Is it bettter to hope constantly and be disappointed, or to give up hope completely, accept it and move on with your life?

A Tefillah

Dear Hashem,

I know that I’ve been having a difficult time davening to you lately. Trying to have proper kavana while saying the same Hebrew words every day is often challenging, but this time my struggle is more philosophical. As you know, I’ve been asking you to help me find a spouse, my bashert, someone to spend the rest of my life with. Yet as I make this request, I can’t help but thinking of all of the people who are older than me who have been dating for so much longer than I have. They have been pouring out their hearts to you and davening to you for much longer than I have. Their prayers are greater than mine, both in quantity and quality; they are intense and numerous.

Why haven’t you answered their Tefillot and given them what they have asked for time and time again, day after day, for years? So why should I expect you to answer me? Or more like how can I have the audacity to approach you and make the same request as them and expect you to answer me, but not them? I’m not special, I don’t deserve special treatment. Why should you to answer me, but not them? What have I done to make me better or to make my Tefillot better? Nothing! Even if I dug deep to pull my deepest emotions and cried and poured out my soul, it will never match years of tears and Tefillot. So why should I ask for this if I don’t think it’s fair for you to answer me first?

Yes, I can daven for them, and I do that. On the one hand I hope that you answer their Tefillot first, yet on the other hand I do not want to wait around for each and every older (or not so much older) single to get married before I find the right person to marry. And in terms of the effectiveness of my Tefillot, yes, every person is different, so maybe something is right for me and not them, and I should do my part and daven and let you decide what is right for each person. But I can’t help thinking- how could you answer me and not them? So how can I ask you to help me find a husband?

Yet on the other hand, how can I not turn to you, Hashem, the source of all blessing in this world, who is all-powerful? How can I not turn to you for something that I want so badly and long for so much? Hashem, I always learned that I should share everything that is in my heart with you. That I should ask you for everything, no matter how small. Two ways of building a relationship with someone are communication and opening up to them, and these are both goals of Tefillah. So I will continue to struggle, even though I don't understand why you haven't answered them, and I don't know why you should answer me over them. I will continue to daven to you, and ask you for one of the things that I want the most in life.

Thank you for listening, even when the answer is “not yet.”
SternGrad

Looking Over Your Shoulder

In every group of friends there is the person who is the listener. That person is me. Perhaps because I enjoy listening, and perhaps because I like helping people think things through, I often find myself on the listening end of dating quandaries. It’s not that I’m an expert at giving advice, I’m definitely not, but apparently I’m a good bouncing board for ideas. Right now I’d like to talk about one problem in particular that seems to come up with a bunch of my friends, with slightly different manifestations depending on the situation. Let me paint one sample scenario.

A girl is dating this guy. (Great beginning, I know.) At some point in the relationship the girl is unsure how she feels about this guy. She kinda likes him, but she kinda doesn’t. She notices that she find other guys attractive. At which point she’ll say something to me like, “Isn’t it a problem that I find other guys attractive? If I’m spending my whole date looking at the guy on the date next to me, doesn’t that mean I’m not so into my guy? Isn’t that a sign that this isn’t the right person for me?”

It isn’t always about attraction and looks. Sometimes it’s emotional instead of physical. If the girl is close friends with another guy (part of the reason that on principle I don’t have guy friends) she might ask, “Why is it that I really enjoy spending time with this guy friend and why do I have no problem making conversation with him, while things aren’t as great with the guy that I’m dating?” Or sometimes this question takes the form of, “While I was on my date, I kept thinking of other friends of mine who would get along with this guy who I’d like to set him up with. If I’m thinking about setting him up with someone else, doesn’t that mean that I don’t like him enough? If I really liked him, wouldn’t I not want to set him up with my friends?!”

Now that I’m thinking about it, this kind of situation actually happened to me once. I was on a date with this guy in a restaurant and seated right next to us was another shidduch date. They were situated so that the girl was next to me and the guy was across from her, so it was easy for me to just look over and glance at that other guy, who happened to be much better looking than my date, in my opinion. So I understand where people are coming from. And that is the point when the thought enters, “Why am I more interested in someone else’s date? This is a bad sign! It must mean I don’t really like my date, despite the fact then when it’s just us everything is great!”

I’m not a dating expert, and I definitely don’t claim to be. Usually my friends just come to me to vent, and I don’t give advice. I don’t tell people what to do for many reasons, firstly because it is their life and their decision, secondly, because I might not know enough to be able to give the best advice, and thirdly because if I tell them to dump a guy and they end up marrying him, they’ll always remember that I didn’t think it was a good idea, and who wants to have that hanging over them?

So when it comes to this topic I look at couples who have been happily married for many years. I remember when I was a kid, I heard this woman tell her husband that she thought a particular actor was “such a hunk.” At the time, I was horrified. Even though the husband didn’t mind and the woman could list all the actresses her husband thought were beautiful. I was still horrified. It’s one thing if she wants to think in her head such a thing, but to voice it to her husband? Isn’t she supposed to tell her husband that he is the best looking man in the world to her? This is an extreme example, and we can debate whether what she said was right or wrong a different time, but the point is, we’re all human. We’re all going to find other people in the world attractive other than our spouse. If you think you get married and then suddenly every member of the opposite sex who is not your spouse is suddenly completely unappealing to you, then you have seriously underestimated the Yetzer Harah.

The husband and wife in my story each knew that the other one would naturally find other people in the world attractive (especially actors/actresses/models!) and instead of pretending that they didn’t feel that way they chose to share it with each other. For them it was completely healthy. Many girls would be extremely offended if their husbands told them that another woman is beautiful (unless their husband is closely related to that person, i.e. sister, mother etc.), but this couple is so comfortable with their relationship, they are so open with each other, and they are so committed to each other, that by each of them sharing their personal preference in looks in other people, the other person did not feel threatened. They each had the attitude: Yes, I’m attracted to other people, and you should know that, but you are my spouse, and you are #1 in my life, so that thought of “that person is cute” means absolutely nothing to me. In case you couldn’t tell, after I got over being horrified, I realized it was only their deep love for each other that allowed them to share these thoughts, and I thought it was refreshingly honest and down-to-earth.

I’m not saying that having an interest of some sort in another person other than your date means absolutely nothing. What I am saying is that I think if you’re interested in another person- be it physically or emotionally- it doesn’t necessarily mean that your date isn’t the right person for you. Just because you think your date would get along with a good friend of yours, doesn’t mean that they are not for you. If it’s later on in the relationship, and the girl still gets along much more with her guy friend, then it might be a bigger problem then if say, it’s the first couple of dates, and she’s glancing over at the guy at the next table. If you’re at the stage before you’re really invested in the relationship, then of course your conversation isn’t going to be as good as it is with someone you know very well, and of course you’re still going to be attracted to other people.

I’m all for questioning, I’m all for thinking about why you feel a certain way and why you react to someone a certain way. But don’t assume that just because you’re looking over your shoulder, that the person right in front of you automatically isn’t good enough.