Do you ever think about your purpose in life? Well, I think about it all the time. I can’t help it, I just do. Wondering what I’m supposed to do. When I was a kid I just kind of figured I’d grow up to be awesome and extraordinary and I would do something so amazing that I would be famous and the entire world would know who I am, and I’d be one of those people you learn about in school. I knew I was awesome, and even though no one else knew that, one day the world would figure it out. I was a hopeful idealistic kid, and still am that way mostly. But then one day I realized: I am not extraordinary. I am just ordinary.
I knew that would happen one day, I always used to hear about how you grow up and you’re your idealism. You forget about all the dreams you had when you were a kid and settle for being boring. But I thought that doesn’t happen until your thirties or forties when you find yourself stuck sitting at a desk job all day and you have a midlife crisis. But in any event, I realized that I am plain old ordinary. Maybe that is an excuse I tell myself, a way out of having to put in all the effort and all the hard work that it takes to be great, but the truth is that even if I have the potential to be extraordinary, I am not there yet. I always dreamed of changing the world, and I will probably always hold on to that dream, but it seems far off in the distance, and so untouchable. How will I ever get there?
Some days I feel lost, like I am never going to find my direction and unique path in life. The way for me to make my small, tiny mark on the world. Not because there is no one to point me in the right direction, but because it seems each path has a big huge sign in front of it that stares me in the eyes which says, “Nope, not this one. Try again.” No way seems to be the right way for me. Where do I go? Where do I fit in in this big world? I hope that when I die G-d doesn’t look at my life and point into the moment in time when He created me and say, “Well, that was pointless. You missed what you were supposed to do.”
Sometimes I look at myself and all I see are my faults, my weaknesses, the areas where I am lacking, or where others are so much better than I am. The areas that I wish I excelled in, but let's face it: I don't. What in the world can I do that no one else in the entire world can do? I lose sight of who I am. It reminds me about a lecture that I listened to by a woman who was homeless for about a year, and she started off the lecture by saying “I am a journalist.” She explained how when she was homeless she just became this homeless person and lost that part of her identity. She was always the same person, but how she thought of herself was different. Maybe I’m ordinary, but somewhere buried deep inside I can be extraordinary. Yes, I have weaknesses, but I have strengths, too.
People always ask these questions like "what is your goal in life" or "what is your purpose" or "what do you hope to accomplish," but those questions seem to imply that there is just one goal or purpose, and you just have to get there. That's how I always thought it was. I just needed to find the place I wanted to get to, and then get there. As though there is this one spot that you need to get to, and then you're done. I once listened to a great shiur by Charlie Harary (related to Purim) where he says that each day of your life is part of that purpose. It’s not this one big thing that you get to one day. Every single day is a little tiny piece of it. Every day is important.
Most people are ordinary. For most of us, our purpose is not something big like curing a disease, ending slavery, creating a new invention, or being the first one on the moon. But there are people who have a huge influence on their own small world- on their community, on their family, on their friends, and to those people, they are extraordinary. And that is what I strive to be. G-d gave us life to be extraordinary in our own small way, even if the entire world doesn’t recognize our accomplishments. Extraordinary means finding meaning in every single day, and every single moment. It means that what I accomplished today, however small, is important.
I am probably never going to be famous, and that is quite alright with me. I think that’s a dream I’m ready to give up. But I am never going to give up on my dream of being extraordinary.
_
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Summertime
Summer tastes like peach Snapple, ice coffee, and cold Coca Cola with one thousand ice cubes. It sounds like waves rushing up against the sand and the cheers of school aged children who shout as though they have been set free. Summer smells like sunscreen, the dust from air conditioners, and like the music of an ice cream truck. It begins with the cheesecake of Shavuos and ends with the honey on Rosh Hashana. Summer feels like the warm sun beating down like a fire and a cool breeze that provides relief.
Summer feels like a break, an escape, a change. The end of one thing and the beginning of another. A time to move on. But it is not only in the summer that things change. Life is full of changes, and the start of each season is just a reminder. Change can be exciting or nerve-wracking, or both. Sometimes change sneaks up on when you don't expect it, suddenly coming at you like a baseball flying 90 miles an hour. You see it coming seconds before you have to react and figure out what to do with it and how to adapt. Sometimes you cause the change yourself. You make a choice, a decision, to step off the path you've been going down and veer slightly in a different direction. In those cases you'd think you'd be much more prepared. I mean, you have had time to think about what to do when it comes. You should be prepared. So why is it just as hard?
We, human beings, get used to things so quickly. We don’t like to change. My favorite example is how the seat you choose on the first day of class is the one you will sit in the rest of the year. The second day of class some people will move around, but that is your only chance, because on the second day of class most people will sit in the exact same spot they sat in the first day of class. So you had better watch out because you might be taking someone’s spot.
Change brings risk. What if things are not as good when they change? Maybe things are bad now, but at least we are in comfortable, safe territory. Why travel into the unknown? It is a wonder that we ever change. But yet, despite our unwillingness, we can awaken the spirit of change within ourselves. Our hope that things will be better carries us through. Our sense of adventure and our desire for something new and fresh takes over us.
At some point we all thought this unusually cold and snowy NY winter would never end, but spring briefly visited, and now it is so hot that a person can begin longing for those bitter cold days. Or at least for the spring. But we have to hold on to every minute of it because soon enough the leaves will slowly turn those pleasant autumn colors, and the next season will sneak up on us before we know it.
As I taste the flavor of my iced coffee and feel the heat on my skin, I take a deep breath and think about where my life is going and where I want it to go. I think about the choices I have and the changes ahead. And I pray for the clarity to pick the right path and the strength to make the changes that I should make, and the courage to face all of changes in my life- the good ones, the not as good ones, and the small ones, the ones I hope for, the ones that happen suddenly, and the ones for which I have long been prepared.
___
Summer feels like a break, an escape, a change. The end of one thing and the beginning of another. A time to move on. But it is not only in the summer that things change. Life is full of changes, and the start of each season is just a reminder. Change can be exciting or nerve-wracking, or both. Sometimes change sneaks up on when you don't expect it, suddenly coming at you like a baseball flying 90 miles an hour. You see it coming seconds before you have to react and figure out what to do with it and how to adapt. Sometimes you cause the change yourself. You make a choice, a decision, to step off the path you've been going down and veer slightly in a different direction. In those cases you'd think you'd be much more prepared. I mean, you have had time to think about what to do when it comes. You should be prepared. So why is it just as hard?
We, human beings, get used to things so quickly. We don’t like to change. My favorite example is how the seat you choose on the first day of class is the one you will sit in the rest of the year. The second day of class some people will move around, but that is your only chance, because on the second day of class most people will sit in the exact same spot they sat in the first day of class. So you had better watch out because you might be taking someone’s spot.
Change brings risk. What if things are not as good when they change? Maybe things are bad now, but at least we are in comfortable, safe territory. Why travel into the unknown? It is a wonder that we ever change. But yet, despite our unwillingness, we can awaken the spirit of change within ourselves. Our hope that things will be better carries us through. Our sense of adventure and our desire for something new and fresh takes over us.
At some point we all thought this unusually cold and snowy NY winter would never end, but spring briefly visited, and now it is so hot that a person can begin longing for those bitter cold days. Or at least for the spring. But we have to hold on to every minute of it because soon enough the leaves will slowly turn those pleasant autumn colors, and the next season will sneak up on us before we know it.
As I taste the flavor of my iced coffee and feel the heat on my skin, I take a deep breath and think about where my life is going and where I want it to go. I think about the choices I have and the changes ahead. And I pray for the clarity to pick the right path and the strength to make the changes that I should make, and the courage to face all of changes in my life- the good ones, the not as good ones, and the small ones, the ones I hope for, the ones that happen suddenly, and the ones for which I have long been prepared.
___
Thursday, April 28, 2011
A Proper Blogoversary Post
An interesting thing happened just around my blogoversary which is worthy to write about in this post. My parents decided to clean up my room in their house, (no this is not the interesting thing…wait for it…) where I no longer live, but still have tons of stuff, lots of it is garbage. As I was going through it all, among the stuff, I found something unbelievably amazing. I found my diary from over a decade ago, a journal that I wrote in intermittently between the ages of 10 through 13. Extremely curious as to what in the world my thoughts were at that age, I carefully opened it up and went back in time to my childhood, to when I began to discover that I like to write.
The pages were filled with what I did each day, how I felt about just about everything, and memories I had long forgotten about. One diary entry contained thoughts that were so not me at all that I don’t remember ever thinking in my life, and I burst out laughing. I sure was an interesting kid. I found myself wishing I had written more down, recorded more, especially when I got up to descriptions of my grandfather who passed away before I reached high school, or when I reached points in time where I know important events happened that I barely wrote about. I looked back at the past with very different eyes. It’s amazing how words are like time capsules that can take us back to any place and time. Writing is a great way to preserve memories, but also a great form of self-expression.
About a year and a half ago I was looking for a new hobby. Something fun to spice up my life a little, to escape from boredom, not just the kind of boredom when you have nothing to do, but the kind when your bored with what you are doing. That’s when a friend of mine suggested I start a blog. I had never really read any blogs, and didn’t know what to write about, so I started reading. I’ve often wanted to share my thoughts with the world and after enough reading I decided it could be a lot of fun and so a year ago I started this blog.
I didn’t really know what to call the blog, and I admit I don’t love this blog’s name, but it was the easiest thing I could think of. Although I always loved school because I love learning and knowledge, I always thought “real life” would begin when school was over, and I was quite anxious for that. Then I graduated, and although my tagline is that “I pretty much knew what to expect from life and then I graduated college,” that is not completely true. Like any other average person, life had thrown me my share of disappointments in the past. Facing life after college was not a big surprise, but it was a bit of a wake up call. All the sudden I had the chance to do anything I wanted, the world was mine to explore, there were so many paths I could take, and long story made short the excitement was kind of paralyzing, and not everything went quite the way I thought it would. It was like the scene from Finding Nemo when the fish have spent the entire movie trying to get out of the fish tank in the dentists office, and they finally come up with a plan that works, but there they are sitting in plastic bags in the ocean, so free yet so trapped, and they turn to each other and say, “Now what?”
I’ve learned a lot in the past year, and I have learned a lot from blogging. I have learned that sometimes when you write and release your thoughts, you let them go and allow yourself to move on, while other times recording thoughts instead causes those thoughts which you wanted to let go, to run through your mind again and again and again. I discovered that no matter how clear and obvious you think you are being people will always read things they way they choose and not the way you intended them, that once you press “post” it is out there for people to read as they like. I learned that some things are difficult to say, even if you’re anonymous.
It’s been a fun year of blogging, and I look forward to the next year going forward. Blogging would never be the same without readers, and I would like to thank all of you reading this for reading, especially those of you who have shared positive or constructive feedback through comments or email. I truly enjoy hearing from you. Thanks for reading! :)
__
The pages were filled with what I did each day, how I felt about just about everything, and memories I had long forgotten about. One diary entry contained thoughts that were so not me at all that I don’t remember ever thinking in my life, and I burst out laughing. I sure was an interesting kid. I found myself wishing I had written more down, recorded more, especially when I got up to descriptions of my grandfather who passed away before I reached high school, or when I reached points in time where I know important events happened that I barely wrote about. I looked back at the past with very different eyes. It’s amazing how words are like time capsules that can take us back to any place and time. Writing is a great way to preserve memories, but also a great form of self-expression.
About a year and a half ago I was looking for a new hobby. Something fun to spice up my life a little, to escape from boredom, not just the kind of boredom when you have nothing to do, but the kind when your bored with what you are doing. That’s when a friend of mine suggested I start a blog. I had never really read any blogs, and didn’t know what to write about, so I started reading. I’ve often wanted to share my thoughts with the world and after enough reading I decided it could be a lot of fun and so a year ago I started this blog.
I didn’t really know what to call the blog, and I admit I don’t love this blog’s name, but it was the easiest thing I could think of. Although I always loved school because I love learning and knowledge, I always thought “real life” would begin when school was over, and I was quite anxious for that. Then I graduated, and although my tagline is that “I pretty much knew what to expect from life and then I graduated college,” that is not completely true. Like any other average person, life had thrown me my share of disappointments in the past. Facing life after college was not a big surprise, but it was a bit of a wake up call. All the sudden I had the chance to do anything I wanted, the world was mine to explore, there were so many paths I could take, and long story made short the excitement was kind of paralyzing, and not everything went quite the way I thought it would. It was like the scene from Finding Nemo when the fish have spent the entire movie trying to get out of the fish tank in the dentists office, and they finally come up with a plan that works, but there they are sitting in plastic bags in the ocean, so free yet so trapped, and they turn to each other and say, “Now what?”
I’ve learned a lot in the past year, and I have learned a lot from blogging. I have learned that sometimes when you write and release your thoughts, you let them go and allow yourself to move on, while other times recording thoughts instead causes those thoughts which you wanted to let go, to run through your mind again and again and again. I discovered that no matter how clear and obvious you think you are being people will always read things they way they choose and not the way you intended them, that once you press “post” it is out there for people to read as they like. I learned that some things are difficult to say, even if you’re anonymous.
It’s been a fun year of blogging, and I look forward to the next year going forward. Blogging would never be the same without readers, and I would like to thank all of you reading this for reading, especially those of you who have shared positive or constructive feedback through comments or email. I truly enjoy hearing from you. Thanks for reading! :)
__
Monday, January 24, 2011
Imperfections
One after another
Every minute
One hundred voices
Ask me why
I messed up.
I am not perfect
I make mistakes
And I am sorry
That you cannot
Forgive me for that.
Attacks
Insults
Harsh tones
Glares
Demanding
As though I’m dirt
Nothing
Nobody
Not worth being nice to.
I can’t fight
One hundred
Yelling
Voices.
But worst of all
Is that
I let these words
Get to me.
Setting off
An unbreakable chain
Of negative vibes.
Until
I despise the person who
I allow myself to become
Where is my humility?
Why do I allow one small prick
To poke such a large hole
In my ego.
I know
That I am better than that.
Even if no one else knows.
Stuck
Being that person who is not me
Stuck
Allowing
My negative mentality
To swallow me like
Invisible prison walls
Stuck
Unable to break free.
Walls Ceiling Floor Walls
Search for door, windows.
Can’t breathe
The air around me is stifling
Escape outside.
Cold air
Fresh air
Breathing, gasping, sighing.
Sky
Light
Sun
Space
Freedom.
Courage rises
Strength increases
Tension relaxes
Relief exploding
Guilt fades
Determination grows
Until the one hundred voices
Asking me why I messed up
Receive their answer
I am human and imperfect
But I will not stop striving
All of those voices
Are silent and disappear.
.
Every minute
One hundred voices
Ask me why
I messed up.
I am not perfect
I make mistakes
And I am sorry
That you cannot
Forgive me for that.
Attacks
Insults
Harsh tones
Glares
Demanding
As though I’m dirt
Nothing
Nobody
Not worth being nice to.
I can’t fight
One hundred
Yelling
Voices.
But worst of all
Is that
I let these words
Get to me.
Setting off
An unbreakable chain
Of negative vibes.
Until
I despise the person who
I allow myself to become
Where is my humility?
Why do I allow one small prick
To poke such a large hole
In my ego.
I know
That I am better than that.
Even if no one else knows.
Stuck
Being that person who is not me
Stuck
Allowing
My negative mentality
To swallow me like
Invisible prison walls
Stuck
Unable to break free.
Walls Ceiling Floor Walls
Search for door, windows.
Can’t breathe
The air around me is stifling
Escape outside.
Cold air
Fresh air
Breathing, gasping, sighing.
Sky
Light
Sun
Space
Freedom.
Courage rises
Strength increases
Tension relaxes
Relief exploding
Guilt fades
Determination grows
Until the one hundred voices
Asking me why I messed up
Receive their answer
I am human and imperfect
But I will not stop striving
All of those voices
Are silent and disappear.
.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Writing, Thinking, Happiness
You know, I thought about starting a blog for a long time before I actually started one, and the biggest obstacle standing in my way of staring one was that I kept thinking, “but what in the world will I write about?” Ironically, I never had any problems writing and I was the kid who almost always had to shorten papers for school because they were always over the limit. Sometimes I feel I could write forever and never stop because I have so much to say. The underlying issue was really “what in the world could I write about that I could share with the entire world on the internet?” That is a somewhat harder question. So I figured I would write about things that I’ve been thinking about, situations that have arisen in my life. Once I’d come up with a few good ideas for topics, I figured it was time to jump in.
Except for the fact that the past week I kept thinking, “What are my thoughts? What am I thinking about?” and nothing seemed to come to me. After a couple months with tons of ideas to write about, I seemed to run out of ideas. Everyone hits writers block at some point, and it was hard for me to even write about why it so frustrating to be able not to write. Writing is just an extension of thinking. Which is say that you need to think in order to write. But I often find that I need to write in order to think. Sometimes my thoughts are completely disorganized and I need to put them on paper to organize them and figure out what I’m really thinking. Writing is expressing, and when I attempt to express a thought and it comes out wrong, it pushes me to dig deeper. I kept trying to write to get the juices going, but nothing was coming to me, until I starting thinking again.
Recently I’ve been thinking about happiness and what makes a person happy. Actually, I should delete the word “recently” since happiness is actually something I think about a lot. I was listening to one of the many songs on my iPod to the words: מצוה גדולה להיות בשמחה תמיד, that it is a mitzvah to be B’simcha always. (As a side note, I once saw an alternate version of this saying that I really liked: שמחה גדולה להיות במצוה תמיד- Being constantly involved in a Mitzvah brings great happiness. What an interesting twist and a great perspective). Anyway, I usually translate the phrase מצוה גדולה להיות בשמחה תמיד to mean that it is a great Mitzvah to be happy, always, but I realized that linguistically, if that was the correct translation, then it would have said: מצוה גדולה להיות שמח תמיד. Using the term “B’Simcha” instead of “Sameach” denotes not that it is a mitzvah to always be happy, but rather that it is a mitzvah to always be, as I would stay, in a state of happiness.
Being happy versus being in a state of happiness are not the same thing. I don’t think (and I think most people would agree) that it is not good to always be happy. There are times when happiness is not appropriate, such as at funerals, on somber days such as Tisha B’Av, and when others are in pain. However, constantly striving for happiness, trying to always recognize the good in the world, and trying to stay positive, is a goal that should be constant, Tamid. B’Simcha literally means “with simcha” or “in the midst of simcha.” To be always happy is not only a goal that is not desired, but it is also impossible. There will always times when you will feel upset, and being told that you shouldn’t be sad, that you should always be happy, can cause a person to feel guilty for not being happy, and perhaps cause them to try to push the negative emotions out of the way instead of trying to deal with them and work them through.
The point of מצוה גדולה להיות בשמחה תמיד is that everyone is entitled to feel negative emotions, and at times they are even required. However, it is important to place those feelings in the context of an overall picture and life of happiness. A state of happiness is a general way of life. Some have argued that it is not an ending point, but rather a journey. Maybe we can’t always be happy, but we can always strive to live a happy life.
Except for the fact that the past week I kept thinking, “What are my thoughts? What am I thinking about?” and nothing seemed to come to me. After a couple months with tons of ideas to write about, I seemed to run out of ideas. Everyone hits writers block at some point, and it was hard for me to even write about why it so frustrating to be able not to write. Writing is just an extension of thinking. Which is say that you need to think in order to write. But I often find that I need to write in order to think. Sometimes my thoughts are completely disorganized and I need to put them on paper to organize them and figure out what I’m really thinking. Writing is expressing, and when I attempt to express a thought and it comes out wrong, it pushes me to dig deeper. I kept trying to write to get the juices going, but nothing was coming to me, until I starting thinking again.
Recently I’ve been thinking about happiness and what makes a person happy. Actually, I should delete the word “recently” since happiness is actually something I think about a lot. I was listening to one of the many songs on my iPod to the words: מצוה גדולה להיות בשמחה תמיד, that it is a mitzvah to be B’simcha always. (As a side note, I once saw an alternate version of this saying that I really liked: שמחה גדולה להיות במצוה תמיד- Being constantly involved in a Mitzvah brings great happiness. What an interesting twist and a great perspective). Anyway, I usually translate the phrase מצוה גדולה להיות בשמחה תמיד to mean that it is a great Mitzvah to be happy, always, but I realized that linguistically, if that was the correct translation, then it would have said: מצוה גדולה להיות שמח תמיד. Using the term “B’Simcha” instead of “Sameach” denotes not that it is a mitzvah to always be happy, but rather that it is a mitzvah to always be, as I would stay, in a state of happiness.
Being happy versus being in a state of happiness are not the same thing. I don’t think (and I think most people would agree) that it is not good to always be happy. There are times when happiness is not appropriate, such as at funerals, on somber days such as Tisha B’Av, and when others are in pain. However, constantly striving for happiness, trying to always recognize the good in the world, and trying to stay positive, is a goal that should be constant, Tamid. B’Simcha literally means “with simcha” or “in the midst of simcha.” To be always happy is not only a goal that is not desired, but it is also impossible. There will always times when you will feel upset, and being told that you shouldn’t be sad, that you should always be happy, can cause a person to feel guilty for not being happy, and perhaps cause them to try to push the negative emotions out of the way instead of trying to deal with them and work them through.
The point of מצוה גדולה להיות בשמחה תמיד is that everyone is entitled to feel negative emotions, and at times they are even required. However, it is important to place those feelings in the context of an overall picture and life of happiness. A state of happiness is a general way of life. Some have argued that it is not an ending point, but rather a journey. Maybe we can’t always be happy, but we can always strive to live a happy life.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
When good people do bad things
A recent story made me think about the fact that I am idealistic. Those who claim to be realistic have tried to convince me that I will not be this way forever, and that as soon as I meet an evil person I will turn cynical like them. I believe that people are good, and since that might sound naïve, I would like to quickly add that I also understand that people can do bad things.
I was having a conversation with someone about this man who I know who did something that is extremely bad and wrong. Just to be clear, this was something extraordinarily bad, and it is not like he just said a bad word or made some small mistake accidently. She blamed him for something else that he had been involved in, claiming he probably had bad motives in that instance as well. Though he behaved horribly, I suggested, “He probably didn’t think that. He was a nice guy.” This statement caused outrage. “He was a nice guy?!” she exclaimed. “Do you know what he did?!”
She knew very well that I knew about the situation since we had discussed it many times, and in all of those cases I had made it perfectly clear that I thought his actions were wrong, and that I found them to be completely unacceptable. I stared at her and told her that of course I knew what he did and that of course that was a terrible thing, but that doesn’t mean he is completely evil. “People are complex,” I explained, “Just because he did something terrible, doesn’t mean that everything he did was bad and that he was out to get everyone in every aspect of his life.” Looking at me like I was absolutely crazy, she insisted that he only put on show of being nice sometimes, but clearly his morally upsetting actions show that this persona was completely fake. Deep down underneath it all, he is a bad person.
For some reason this made me quiet and thoughtful for the rest of the day, and here I am writing about it to try to sort out my thoughts. Perhaps she is right, I thought, maybe it was all a show and I was completely wrong about him. This idea bothered me for a few reasons, firstly that I am a strong believer in my gut feelings about people. This is why when I first found out what happened, my shock lasted only a few seconds and then I knew it was probably true, even before I received confirmation. Although I always believed his friendliness was genuine, I could tell there was something additional going on with him that made me wary. Secondly, in addition to being bothered at the idea that I was wrong, I was also bothered by the idea that some bad behavior means a person is all bad.
I don’t live in a dream world. I know perfectly well that there are evil people out there, people who want to hurt people, people who do not have any good intentions at all, who are all bad. But I believe those are the few exceptions in humanity, and that most people are good, deep down. It is important to be prudent of people who do bad things, and of course I would never assume that someone who appears to be preparing to cause me harm is really good so I shouldn’t worry about it. Good people do bad things, but that doesn’t mean that they are bad. In fact, one cause of good people becoming bad is when they do one bad thing and believe they cannot fix it and that this one bad act defines who they really are. G-d allows for Teshuva. Ironically, today I spoke to someone in a way that I later regretted. Although I felt terrible afterwards, part of the reason I was upset is because I knew that I acted in a way that was not true to who I really am.
Since it has no practical ramifications to my life, as I don’t interact with this man on a daily basis, and since it is always best to judge people favorable, I concluded by deciding to think that although he messed up big time, aside from that I have faith that he is still a good person.
Questions for the readers/ food for thought: Do you think that someone who does something that is extremely bad and terrible, is all bad? Do you think that someone can be good and bad at the same time or is that too contradictory? Do you believe that there are people out there who are truly evil without any trace of goodness in them?
.
I was having a conversation with someone about this man who I know who did something that is extremely bad and wrong. Just to be clear, this was something extraordinarily bad, and it is not like he just said a bad word or made some small mistake accidently. She blamed him for something else that he had been involved in, claiming he probably had bad motives in that instance as well. Though he behaved horribly, I suggested, “He probably didn’t think that. He was a nice guy.” This statement caused outrage. “He was a nice guy?!” she exclaimed. “Do you know what he did?!”
She knew very well that I knew about the situation since we had discussed it many times, and in all of those cases I had made it perfectly clear that I thought his actions were wrong, and that I found them to be completely unacceptable. I stared at her and told her that of course I knew what he did and that of course that was a terrible thing, but that doesn’t mean he is completely evil. “People are complex,” I explained, “Just because he did something terrible, doesn’t mean that everything he did was bad and that he was out to get everyone in every aspect of his life.” Looking at me like I was absolutely crazy, she insisted that he only put on show of being nice sometimes, but clearly his morally upsetting actions show that this persona was completely fake. Deep down underneath it all, he is a bad person.
For some reason this made me quiet and thoughtful for the rest of the day, and here I am writing about it to try to sort out my thoughts. Perhaps she is right, I thought, maybe it was all a show and I was completely wrong about him. This idea bothered me for a few reasons, firstly that I am a strong believer in my gut feelings about people. This is why when I first found out what happened, my shock lasted only a few seconds and then I knew it was probably true, even before I received confirmation. Although I always believed his friendliness was genuine, I could tell there was something additional going on with him that made me wary. Secondly, in addition to being bothered at the idea that I was wrong, I was also bothered by the idea that some bad behavior means a person is all bad.
I don’t live in a dream world. I know perfectly well that there are evil people out there, people who want to hurt people, people who do not have any good intentions at all, who are all bad. But I believe those are the few exceptions in humanity, and that most people are good, deep down. It is important to be prudent of people who do bad things, and of course I would never assume that someone who appears to be preparing to cause me harm is really good so I shouldn’t worry about it. Good people do bad things, but that doesn’t mean that they are bad. In fact, one cause of good people becoming bad is when they do one bad thing and believe they cannot fix it and that this one bad act defines who they really are. G-d allows for Teshuva. Ironically, today I spoke to someone in a way that I later regretted. Although I felt terrible afterwards, part of the reason I was upset is because I knew that I acted in a way that was not true to who I really am.
Since it has no practical ramifications to my life, as I don’t interact with this man on a daily basis, and since it is always best to judge people favorable, I concluded by deciding to think that although he messed up big time, aside from that I have faith that he is still a good person.
Questions for the readers/ food for thought: Do you think that someone who does something that is extremely bad and terrible, is all bad? Do you think that someone can be good and bad at the same time or is that too contradictory? Do you believe that there are people out there who are truly evil without any trace of goodness in them?
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Monday, October 25, 2010
How did I get here?
Today I had a moment that made me stop and pause and think, “How in the world did I get here?” I kept going over in my head the steps that brought me there, but somehow that did not minimize my disbelief. I seem to be having a lot of those in the time since I graduated college. I guess it is because up until that point my life was basically worked out for me. I knew since I was little that I would go to high school, then college. After that was always the mystery. The irony is that if you had told me three months ago that I would be where I was now, I would not have believed you at all, but if you had told me 10 years ago, I would have believed it in a heartbeat. It just goes to show you how things come around full circle.
The funny thing I noticed about monumental moments is how insignificant they often feel at the time. In some cases it takes looking back to realize that your life changed that day, even if it was not a huge change, but while you were standing there it was just another moment of just another day. It didn’t feel huge, it was just the next step, and you were just following along with life. Like the day I made the final decision of which seminary to attend. I had debated between a few schools for a little while, but at that second, when I sent in the appropriate forms, it was just a continuation of the process. It just was.
In other cases it is the moment you’ve been waiting for and building up in your head and then you get there and you wonder why you thought it would be such a big deal. Like graduation, for example. Graduation is the day you dream about when you’re studying for midterms and can’t wait for it all to end, or when it’s 2:00 in the morning and you just finished the second page of a fifteen page paper. But then when I got there, it was so boring. Maybe there were one or two good speeches, but overall YU’s graduation was long and dragged out. When I walked up to get my diploma, I was just walking, the same way I walk to class, the same way I walk anywhere. Taking my diploma was just as easy as the act of taking the salt shaker that my mother passed to me at the dinner table. It just was the way it was and didn’t feel huge.
I don’t know what I expected, really. It is almost like I was waiting for an orchestra to burst out in beautiful chords, or for a loud audience to applaud and cheer. Perhaps it is because at other moments, which are small and minor, I have felt as though I were soaring in the sky or rushing through the ocean. Inspiration sometimes hits you when you expect it the least. Perhaps part of the burst is the surprise factor. When you build something up in your mind, then real life has to be pretty impressive to even compare. But when all you anticipate is for life to be ordinary, anything above or below average is moving.
The funny thing I noticed about monumental moments is how insignificant they often feel at the time. In some cases it takes looking back to realize that your life changed that day, even if it was not a huge change, but while you were standing there it was just another moment of just another day. It didn’t feel huge, it was just the next step, and you were just following along with life. Like the day I made the final decision of which seminary to attend. I had debated between a few schools for a little while, but at that second, when I sent in the appropriate forms, it was just a continuation of the process. It just was.
In other cases it is the moment you’ve been waiting for and building up in your head and then you get there and you wonder why you thought it would be such a big deal. Like graduation, for example. Graduation is the day you dream about when you’re studying for midterms and can’t wait for it all to end, or when it’s 2:00 in the morning and you just finished the second page of a fifteen page paper. But then when I got there, it was so boring. Maybe there were one or two good speeches, but overall YU’s graduation was long and dragged out. When I walked up to get my diploma, I was just walking, the same way I walk to class, the same way I walk anywhere. Taking my diploma was just as easy as the act of taking the salt shaker that my mother passed to me at the dinner table. It just was the way it was and didn’t feel huge.
I don’t know what I expected, really. It is almost like I was waiting for an orchestra to burst out in beautiful chords, or for a loud audience to applaud and cheer. Perhaps it is because at other moments, which are small and minor, I have felt as though I were soaring in the sky or rushing through the ocean. Inspiration sometimes hits you when you expect it the least. Perhaps part of the burst is the surprise factor. When you build something up in your mind, then real life has to be pretty impressive to even compare. But when all you anticipate is for life to be ordinary, anything above or below average is moving.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Changing Leaves
I was walking outside and started smiling as I noticed that the leaves are changing colors. I love autumn, perhaps because it is because the season with my birthday (and a number of other bloggers as well!), and perhaps because I enjoy the weather when it is cool, but not yet too cold, but also because fall is a time of change. I always love to watch the trees and the leaves starting at the end of the summer, as they turn beautiful different colors, from green to yellow to red to brown. Some of my best times for reflection when I was younger were those rainy days after school had just started, when I would sit staring out of my window, watching the rain drops hit the puddles in the street, and watching the rushing water full of colorful leaves. The leaves turning colors is just one sign for me that the end of summer and beginning of fall is associated with change. The end of camp, the beginning of a new school year, transition from one part of life to the next.
Recently I was talking about some event that will be happening in June, which seems so far away right now, and the first thought that entered my mind was, “Wow, I sincerely hope that my life is significantly different in that point in time in every way.” This gut reaction shocked me and I wondered, “Am I that unhappy with my life that I want to change it so badly?” I mean, I know things aren’t perfect- you can always find something to complain about if you try, but until that moment I hadn’t realized how much I wanted things to change. But does that necessarily mean that I am not happy with how things are right now? Life changes all the time whether we like it or not, so wouldn’t it be best to welcome the change gladly instead of fighting it?
Sometimes it is difficult to find the right balance of being happy with the with the status quo, the way things are now, and yet at the same time longing for something even better, wanting things to be different. If everything was just great all the time, there would be no force moving us forward. The dream that things could be better is often was pushes us to spring to action and accomplish. The key is feeling both satisfied and unsatisfied at the same time; happy enough not to wallow in misery all day long, yet feeling as though something is lacking and striving to change the situation.
They say Shlomo HaMelech had a ring that said “Gam Zeh Yaavor.” This too will pass. That message is important to remember both when things are good and when they are not as good. When things are not so great, it is good to know that this time will pass and that things will get better. When things are going well, it is helpful to keep in mind that things will change eventually so we should take advantage and enjoy every minute of the good times we are in. To me, autumn is the essence of Gam Zeh Yaavor, of transition from one part of life to the next.
Recently I was talking about some event that will be happening in June, which seems so far away right now, and the first thought that entered my mind was, “Wow, I sincerely hope that my life is significantly different in that point in time in every way.” This gut reaction shocked me and I wondered, “Am I that unhappy with my life that I want to change it so badly?” I mean, I know things aren’t perfect- you can always find something to complain about if you try, but until that moment I hadn’t realized how much I wanted things to change. But does that necessarily mean that I am not happy with how things are right now? Life changes all the time whether we like it or not, so wouldn’t it be best to welcome the change gladly instead of fighting it?
Sometimes it is difficult to find the right balance of being happy with the with the status quo, the way things are now, and yet at the same time longing for something even better, wanting things to be different. If everything was just great all the time, there would be no force moving us forward. The dream that things could be better is often was pushes us to spring to action and accomplish. The key is feeling both satisfied and unsatisfied at the same time; happy enough not to wallow in misery all day long, yet feeling as though something is lacking and striving to change the situation.
They say Shlomo HaMelech had a ring that said “Gam Zeh Yaavor.” This too will pass. That message is important to remember both when things are good and when they are not as good. When things are not so great, it is good to know that this time will pass and that things will get better. When things are going well, it is helpful to keep in mind that things will change eventually so we should take advantage and enjoy every minute of the good times we are in. To me, autumn is the essence of Gam Zeh Yaavor, of transition from one part of life to the next.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Letter to my Bad Day
I wrote this a little while ago, and I think for the most part it worked.
To my Bad Day:
You might be strong, but I am stronger. You might try to push me down, but I will get back up again. You might send people my way who hurt me, who insult me, who speak to me in ways that I would never even imagine speaking to anyone. You can challenge me time and time again, hitting me when I least expect it, at the worst time. But like a tennis player, holding the racket waiting to hit the ball, like a baseball player holding the bat, ready to swing, I am ready to tackle whatever you throw my way. I know that Hashem is right there with me helping me, and my Yetzer HaTov is cheering in the bleechers, shouting, “Yay! You can do it!” as I respond calmly instead of angrily, dignified instead of frustrated.
You can fight me, but I’ll fight back. You might try to break me like glass shattering into thousands of pieces, or tear me apart like a secret document going through a paper shredder, but I will bend like chewing gum as far as it takes, and I will super glue myself together should you begin to cut through me. I will throw up my parachute, should you try to push me off your plane, and I will swim to the lifeboat if you throw me off your ship. I will not let the strong waters of your storm drown me, and I will not let your nasty winds toss me away like a tumbling feather. I will climb every mountain that you put in front of me, even if it takes every ounce of strength from my body.
And if you do begin to reach me, and slowly take me down before I’ve even realized you’ve come, if I find myself caught in the web of your trap or fallen in the deep hole of your barren desert, I will call out for help, and G-d will lift me up. He will throw me a rope to escape your pit, and carefully cut through the ropes of your trap. He will release me and rescue me, for even when I have failed to utlize the strength that He gave me, G-d still has mercy and will gently encourage me. He will send me the magical people who appear at just the right moment, with just the tools that I need. G-d will send helicopters to all corners of the earth, expert mountain-climbers to guide me, and friends to keep me company, even if they are just as helpless. He will send the sun to warm me and show me the way, and clear a path for me to walk on.
So, Bad Day, don’t think that you will win, because you won’t. Any battle that you think you’ve won, is only temporary, because I will win the war. Even if you put all odds against me, I will beat them and I will make it through. You can go home now, shame-faced and unaccomplished. For it will not be me that you inflict today.
Just remember this the next time you come to face me.
I hope never to see you again.
SternGrad
To my Bad Day:
You might be strong, but I am stronger. You might try to push me down, but I will get back up again. You might send people my way who hurt me, who insult me, who speak to me in ways that I would never even imagine speaking to anyone. You can challenge me time and time again, hitting me when I least expect it, at the worst time. But like a tennis player, holding the racket waiting to hit the ball, like a baseball player holding the bat, ready to swing, I am ready to tackle whatever you throw my way. I know that Hashem is right there with me helping me, and my Yetzer HaTov is cheering in the bleechers, shouting, “Yay! You can do it!” as I respond calmly instead of angrily, dignified instead of frustrated.
You can fight me, but I’ll fight back. You might try to break me like glass shattering into thousands of pieces, or tear me apart like a secret document going through a paper shredder, but I will bend like chewing gum as far as it takes, and I will super glue myself together should you begin to cut through me. I will throw up my parachute, should you try to push me off your plane, and I will swim to the lifeboat if you throw me off your ship. I will not let the strong waters of your storm drown me, and I will not let your nasty winds toss me away like a tumbling feather. I will climb every mountain that you put in front of me, even if it takes every ounce of strength from my body.
And if you do begin to reach me, and slowly take me down before I’ve even realized you’ve come, if I find myself caught in the web of your trap or fallen in the deep hole of your barren desert, I will call out for help, and G-d will lift me up. He will throw me a rope to escape your pit, and carefully cut through the ropes of your trap. He will release me and rescue me, for even when I have failed to utlize the strength that He gave me, G-d still has mercy and will gently encourage me. He will send me the magical people who appear at just the right moment, with just the tools that I need. G-d will send helicopters to all corners of the earth, expert mountain-climbers to guide me, and friends to keep me company, even if they are just as helpless. He will send the sun to warm me and show me the way, and clear a path for me to walk on.
So, Bad Day, don’t think that you will win, because you won’t. Any battle that you think you’ve won, is only temporary, because I will win the war. Even if you put all odds against me, I will beat them and I will make it through. You can go home now, shame-faced and unaccomplished. For it will not be me that you inflict today.
Just remember this the next time you come to face me.
I hope never to see you again.
SternGrad
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Ups and Downs
Lately, it feels like life is one big obstacle course. Everywhere I turn there is another obstacle in my way, and as soon as I gather the strength to approach with full force and I manage to conquer one challenge, it seems that within the blink of an eye another obstacle is in my way, and this time it is even bigger. The truth is that this feeling that life is a constant challenge isn’t something I’ve only felt recently, that’s just how life is, despite the fact that we seem to be born with the misconception that life should just be smooth sailing. Having said that, however, I can think of times when my life was just happy and good and didn’t feel like a constant struggle, and some of those times weren’t that long ago at all. This summer, though, has been filled with an unusual share of bad days and consequently, bad moods. I find it so appropriate and applicable to my life that we started adding Tehillim 27 in Elul, which mentions “Yom Ra’ah,” a bad day.
Do you want to know the best part of having bad mood? (Yup, I did just say the best part, there is actually something good about it.) It’s what comes after the bad mood- the super good mood. Maybe this is just me, but often when I’m in a really bad mood it seems like the world is going to end and there’s no way out, like being trapped in an elevator. Just for a second it feels like it’s never going to get better, no matter how much I remind myself that life moves on. But once the bad mood fades, (and even though sometimes it takes forever, it always does go away) it’s amazing! All the sudden things seem wonderful again. The feeling of working through a problem, over overcoming a difficulty, is one of the most uplifting feelings. When a difficult situation is turned around, whether because I worked hard to do that, or if it magically works out on its own, the result is an emotional high that is unbelievable.
The interesting thing is that the deeper the bad mood, the lower the low point, the more intense the good mood is and the higher the high point is. I think it’s because the spiritual world and the physical world are complete opposites. Picture a roller coaster, for example. It needs to go very high up in order to come crashing down. The higher the roller coaster goes, the more drastic the drop is. Or even just think about gravity. The higher you lift something up, the longer a fall it will be. Bad moods are just the opposite. The lower down you go, the larger the potential to be lifted up. It’s like a reverse roller coaster. Momentum builds up as you sink, and then you go shooting up. Good moods defy gravity. You sink lower and lower and lower until you reach the bottom and go soaring up.
What’s amazing is my inability to learn this. Each time I’m in a bad mood I forget that it will fade and will be replaced with joy. I forget that the thunder and lighting will stop, that the rain will stop, and that the sun will come sneaking out of the clouds. That as bad as things might seem, they can almost always be fixed and there is a way to make it all better. And even if there’s not, there is a way to accept it and move on. The main thing is to start by accepting the fact that life will always have obstacles and challenges, and that is just how it is so you better learn to deal with them. There will always be something that tries to break me, but I have to remember that I’m strong enough to deal with anything G-d sends my way. That’s why Tehillim 27 ends with “Kaveh El Hashem, Chazak V’Yaametz Libecha, V’Kaveh El Hashem.” You start by longing for Hashem, but inevitably *something* will bring you down, and so the posuk doesn’t say “hope to Hashem,” it tell us to hope for Hashem, and then strengthen ourselves. Because something is bound to try to break us down, but we have to hold on and be strong in our hearts, and then go at it again full force ahead.
Do you want to know the best part of having bad mood? (Yup, I did just say the best part, there is actually something good about it.) It’s what comes after the bad mood- the super good mood. Maybe this is just me, but often when I’m in a really bad mood it seems like the world is going to end and there’s no way out, like being trapped in an elevator. Just for a second it feels like it’s never going to get better, no matter how much I remind myself that life moves on. But once the bad mood fades, (and even though sometimes it takes forever, it always does go away) it’s amazing! All the sudden things seem wonderful again. The feeling of working through a problem, over overcoming a difficulty, is one of the most uplifting feelings. When a difficult situation is turned around, whether because I worked hard to do that, or if it magically works out on its own, the result is an emotional high that is unbelievable.
The interesting thing is that the deeper the bad mood, the lower the low point, the more intense the good mood is and the higher the high point is. I think it’s because the spiritual world and the physical world are complete opposites. Picture a roller coaster, for example. It needs to go very high up in order to come crashing down. The higher the roller coaster goes, the more drastic the drop is. Or even just think about gravity. The higher you lift something up, the longer a fall it will be. Bad moods are just the opposite. The lower down you go, the larger the potential to be lifted up. It’s like a reverse roller coaster. Momentum builds up as you sink, and then you go shooting up. Good moods defy gravity. You sink lower and lower and lower until you reach the bottom and go soaring up.
What’s amazing is my inability to learn this. Each time I’m in a bad mood I forget that it will fade and will be replaced with joy. I forget that the thunder and lighting will stop, that the rain will stop, and that the sun will come sneaking out of the clouds. That as bad as things might seem, they can almost always be fixed and there is a way to make it all better. And even if there’s not, there is a way to accept it and move on. The main thing is to start by accepting the fact that life will always have obstacles and challenges, and that is just how it is so you better learn to deal with them. There will always be something that tries to break me, but I have to remember that I’m strong enough to deal with anything G-d sends my way. That’s why Tehillim 27 ends with “Kaveh El Hashem, Chazak V’Yaametz Libecha, V’Kaveh El Hashem.” You start by longing for Hashem, but inevitably *something* will bring you down, and so the posuk doesn’t say “hope to Hashem,” it tell us to hope for Hashem, and then strengthen ourselves. Because something is bound to try to break us down, but we have to hold on and be strong in our hearts, and then go at it again full force ahead.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Prayer
A while ago I purchased a small book of Tefillot that deeply affected me called "The Gentle Weapon," which has beautiful prayers complied from the teachings of Rebbe Nachman of Breslov. I wanted to share two of the amazing prayers with you that are in this book, one is about life, and the other is for others to find their a soul mate.
Learning Life's Lessons
Dear G-d,
Let my heart grasp
the profound wisdom
with which you created the world.
Help me understand
that life's difficulties
are in fact her opportunities;
life's endings
are also her beginnings;
life's disappointments
are her finest teachers.
A Soul Mate
O loving G-d,
so many in Your world
live without
true love,
so many
cannot find
their soul mate.
Have mercy on them.
O Source of all love,
let every lonely and incomplete soul
know the wholeness of being
that comes
when one finds
one's true love.
Learning Life's Lessons
Dear G-d,
Let my heart grasp
the profound wisdom
with which you created the world.
Help me understand
that life's difficulties
are in fact her opportunities;
life's endings
are also her beginnings;
life's disappointments
are her finest teachers.
A Soul Mate
O loving G-d,
so many in Your world
live without
true love,
so many
cannot find
their soul mate.
Have mercy on them.
O Source of all love,
let every lonely and incomplete soul
know the wholeness of being
that comes
when one finds
one's true love.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Shidduch Dating: General life lessons
"Ayzehu Chacham HaLomed Mikol Adam." Who is wise? He who learns from every person. That's what Pirkei Avos says. I think it follows from here that we should try to learn from every situation as well. Shidduch dating has its ups and downs, just like everything else in the world, but one thing we can do is reflect a little and come out with important life lessons. On that note, here are life lessons/skills/talents I've learned from shidduch dating. Please feel free to share your own!
1. How to make conversation with anyone. Meeting up with someone who you've never met before gives you great experience at talking to strangers. Though some people are born with this skill, and others of us acquired it in Seminary/Yeshiva while going to random people for shabbos, dating is a great chance to practice. Coming up with creative and insightful questions is a fun challenge. Now wherever you go and whoever you meet you’ll have the skills to talk for as long as necessary. Bored on long bus ride/plane ride and stuck sitting next to someone random? Have no fear. Dating will assist you to master the art of racking your brain for possible conversation starters and ways to keep the conversation flowing! Some claim it’s the guy’s responsibility to do this, but unless the girl wants to be sitting there with tons of awkward pauses, she better work on this skill too.
2. How to be subtle when hinting that you'd like to leave. It's just plain rude to say straight out "I would like to leave now," in any situation, not just a date, unless you are with close friends or family. Dating gives you the opportunity to work on mastering the art of glancing at your watch in a way that your date can clearly see that you are glancing at your watch, while at the same time you must be pretending to try to hide the fact that you're glancing so your date knows you were attempting to be tactful.
3. How to be flexible. This can be learned from many situations in life, but inevitably it seems something is bound to go wrong in your dating career, whether it's your date being stuck in traffic for an hour or whether the place you had intended to go happens to be closed when you arrive. For those of us who like to have every second planned in my head, and dating is just another opportunity to learn how do deal when things don't go quite as planned.
4. Who you are. Life is a constant path of self discovery, and meeting new people gives you the chance to learn what you like and what you don’t like, what interests you and what does not. Unless you date someone who agrees with you on every issue out there and has had exactly the same types of life experience as you, which is rarely the case, you’re bound to come out of the date thinking about something you never thought about before or realizing there are certain habits that drive you crazy that you never thought would be an issue. There are so many things that I didn’t know about myself until I started dating. Maybe there thought there were certain characteristics that you thought you would never be able to deal with in a spouse, and then when you meet someone in person with those characteristics you might discover that it’s not that bad.
Those are just a few. What life lessons have you learned from shidduch dating?
1. How to make conversation with anyone. Meeting up with someone who you've never met before gives you great experience at talking to strangers. Though some people are born with this skill, and others of us acquired it in Seminary/Yeshiva while going to random people for shabbos, dating is a great chance to practice. Coming up with creative and insightful questions is a fun challenge. Now wherever you go and whoever you meet you’ll have the skills to talk for as long as necessary. Bored on long bus ride/plane ride and stuck sitting next to someone random? Have no fear. Dating will assist you to master the art of racking your brain for possible conversation starters and ways to keep the conversation flowing! Some claim it’s the guy’s responsibility to do this, but unless the girl wants to be sitting there with tons of awkward pauses, she better work on this skill too.
2. How to be subtle when hinting that you'd like to leave. It's just plain rude to say straight out "I would like to leave now," in any situation, not just a date, unless you are with close friends or family. Dating gives you the opportunity to work on mastering the art of glancing at your watch in a way that your date can clearly see that you are glancing at your watch, while at the same time you must be pretending to try to hide the fact that you're glancing so your date knows you were attempting to be tactful.
3. How to be flexible. This can be learned from many situations in life, but inevitably it seems something is bound to go wrong in your dating career, whether it's your date being stuck in traffic for an hour or whether the place you had intended to go happens to be closed when you arrive. For those of us who like to have every second planned in my head, and dating is just another opportunity to learn how do deal when things don't go quite as planned.
4. Who you are. Life is a constant path of self discovery, and meeting new people gives you the chance to learn what you like and what you don’t like, what interests you and what does not. Unless you date someone who agrees with you on every issue out there and has had exactly the same types of life experience as you, which is rarely the case, you’re bound to come out of the date thinking about something you never thought about before or realizing there are certain habits that drive you crazy that you never thought would be an issue. There are so many things that I didn’t know about myself until I started dating. Maybe there thought there were certain characteristics that you thought you would never be able to deal with in a spouse, and then when you meet someone in person with those characteristics you might discover that it’s not that bad.
Those are just a few. What life lessons have you learned from shidduch dating?
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Things I wish I knew, Part 2
I’d like to add a fourth rule to my three rules of shidduch dating that I wish I knew before I started dating. Rule #4 is luckily not something that is necessarily so difficult for me, but I find myself reiterating it to friends over and over. The list is more of a general “things people should be told before they start dating” that even if we know them, for some reason aren’t laid out.
To review the three previous rules:
1. Don’t get your hopes up.
2. Don’t take rejection personally.
3. Remember that Hashem is the only shadchan.
Rule #4: Don’t compare yourself or your situation to anyone else or their situation. This is true in general in life, but often we need to be particularly reminded of this in dating. On the list of “no one ever told me” is the fact that every single person’s dating experience is different. Everyone has their own struggles, so don’t go wishing you were in someone else’s shoes. Here are a bunch of real life examples. In each case the problem and the opposite problem are just as bad:
There are the daters who always get dumped and always feel that they are the ones being rejected. Then there are the daters who everyone seems to fall in love with and are always the ones doing the dumping. Each time they have to break another heart it pains them; they are kind and despise always hurting people.
There are the daters who constantly find that they are stuck in "droughts", who rarely get set up. Then there are the daters who are overwhelmed with suggestions and would love to have a break every now and then. There are also daters who constantly get set up, but each time it’s completely not shayach and goes nowhere.
There are the daters who are constantly rejected because of their physical appearance, who complain that the more attractive people have it the best, and then there are the super attractive people who are frustrated that the only reason people agree to go out with them is because of their attractiveness. They wonder how many would say yes if they had a different appearance.
There are the daters who watch their younger siblings get married and have children, and there are the daters who watch their younger siblings follow in the same path of difficulties with dating.
There are the daters who date for a very long time before finding the right one, and there are people (who I won’t even call ‘daters’) who happen to meet the right person before they are ready to get married and suffer because they have found the right one and want to get married, but for whatever reason cannot. There are those who marry the first person they date, only to feel like an outcast from their friends and though they’ve gained a spouse, they lose their friends.
The bottom line is that everyone has a different dating experience, and we shouldn’t look at other people’s experience and say, “Hey, why can’t my situation be like that person’s?” That’s not how life goes. That’s not how it goes in any other area of life either. Some people have it easier than others, or at least they appear to. I have yet to meet someone who says, “Dating? Piece of cake! All smooth sailing! Not complicated at all.” People go through different things and deal with it in different ways. And that is perfectly OK.
To review the three previous rules:
1. Don’t get your hopes up.
2. Don’t take rejection personally.
3. Remember that Hashem is the only shadchan.
Rule #4: Don’t compare yourself or your situation to anyone else or their situation. This is true in general in life, but often we need to be particularly reminded of this in dating. On the list of “no one ever told me” is the fact that every single person’s dating experience is different. Everyone has their own struggles, so don’t go wishing you were in someone else’s shoes. Here are a bunch of real life examples. In each case the problem and the opposite problem are just as bad:
There are the daters who always get dumped and always feel that they are the ones being rejected. Then there are the daters who everyone seems to fall in love with and are always the ones doing the dumping. Each time they have to break another heart it pains them; they are kind and despise always hurting people.
There are the daters who constantly find that they are stuck in "droughts", who rarely get set up. Then there are the daters who are overwhelmed with suggestions and would love to have a break every now and then. There are also daters who constantly get set up, but each time it’s completely not shayach and goes nowhere.
There are the daters who are constantly rejected because of their physical appearance, who complain that the more attractive people have it the best, and then there are the super attractive people who are frustrated that the only reason people agree to go out with them is because of their attractiveness. They wonder how many would say yes if they had a different appearance.
There are the daters who watch their younger siblings get married and have children, and there are the daters who watch their younger siblings follow in the same path of difficulties with dating.
There are the daters who date for a very long time before finding the right one, and there are people (who I won’t even call ‘daters’) who happen to meet the right person before they are ready to get married and suffer because they have found the right one and want to get married, but for whatever reason cannot. There are those who marry the first person they date, only to feel like an outcast from their friends and though they’ve gained a spouse, they lose their friends.
The bottom line is that everyone has a different dating experience, and we shouldn’t look at other people’s experience and say, “Hey, why can’t my situation be like that person’s?” That’s not how life goes. That’s not how it goes in any other area of life either. Some people have it easier than others, or at least they appear to. I have yet to meet someone who says, “Dating? Piece of cake! All smooth sailing! Not complicated at all.” People go through different things and deal with it in different ways. And that is perfectly OK.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Don't Give Up!
Every stop on the Jewish calendar is a chance for reflection. Now that Tisha B’Av is over, I was thinking about how we go from one extreme to the next. We just spent 3 weeks mourning and now we’re on our way to Shabbos Nachamu, and the 7 weeks of reading Haftorahs of comfort, of Hashem telling us that it’s all going to be OK in the end. Interestingly, psukim of comfort can be found within Eicha itself.
Last year on the night of Tisha B’Av, as I was following along closely as Eicha was being read, a passage of Eicha jumped out at me that really surprised me because in the middle of describing the suffering, there are a few psukim of comfort that touched me. If you look at Eicha Perek 3, Psukim 17- 26, you’ll find beautiful psukim that inspired me so much that I was able to turn to those psukum all year ‘round no matter what difficult situation I was in. Here’s the Artscroll English translation of a bunch of the psukim (I highly recommend reading the Hebrew as well):
“My soul despaired of having peace, I have forgotten goodness. And I said, “Gone is my strength and expectation from Hashem.” …Yet, this I bear in mind, therefore I still hope. Hashem’s kindness surely has not ended, nor are His mercies exhausted. They are new every morning, great is Your faithfulness! Hashem is my portion, says my soul, therefore I have hope in Him. Hashem is good to those who trust in Him, to the soul that seeks Him. It is good to hope submissively for Hashem’s salvation, for He has laid it upon him.”
It’s just stunning. It’s almost closer to something I would expect to find in Yeshayahu, although I think the style is more Eicha. It’s a great message. Do you know those times when you just want to give up? Eicha is saying, I give up! I despaired! I’m done! I don’t expect anything from Hashem anymore, there is no hope for me. It’s hopeless! I give up. I give up!
And then Eicha shares with us the secret of how to move past that feeling. What do you do when you want to give up? When you just don’t see how things are ever going to be good ever again? When it’s so bad that you have “forgotten goodness,” even if it’s just in one particular area of life? How do you move past that difficulty and trouble? Then there comes 3:11-13. THIS is what I tell my soul. What do I remind myself? That Hashem is not done giving to me yet. I am alive. Every single day is a new day, and with every single day there is a new chance for Hashem to shower His kindnesses and love upon me. “They are new every morning!” Don’t give up hoping for Hashem to save you from that difficult situation that you’re in. Don’t give up, says Eicha, because Hashem isn’t giving up on you.
And this is just after a few psukim earlier in the very same Perek Eicha cries out, “I am the man who has seen affliction….He has driven me on and on into unrelieved darkness…He has walled me in so that I cannot escape…though I would cry and plead, He shut out my prayer.” He literally feels like there is nowhere to turn, no where to escape, there is no way out. Everything is darkness, he is physically broken. And that’s when He gives up. He despairs. But he is able to turn it around and respond to his soul’s desperation.
I think that’s also an important point. That the way his faith is restored is through himself. Not by others telling him, “It’s going to be OK,” but by him coming to the realization himself. We have that power within us to overcome all of our negative feelings. As much as we want to give up, as much as sometimes things seem hopeless, we have the inner strength inside us to hold on and turn it around.
This was a bit of personal post, but I wanted to share it because it’s been one year since those words inspired me for the first time, and each time I read them, I feel it all over again, because the message is so powerful. No matter what you’re struggling with, don’t give up. Hashem’s kindnesses are new every day. There is always hope.
Last year on the night of Tisha B’Av, as I was following along closely as Eicha was being read, a passage of Eicha jumped out at me that really surprised me because in the middle of describing the suffering, there are a few psukim of comfort that touched me. If you look at Eicha Perek 3, Psukim 17- 26, you’ll find beautiful psukim that inspired me so much that I was able to turn to those psukum all year ‘round no matter what difficult situation I was in. Here’s the Artscroll English translation of a bunch of the psukim (I highly recommend reading the Hebrew as well):
“My soul despaired of having peace, I have forgotten goodness. And I said, “Gone is my strength and expectation from Hashem.” …Yet, this I bear in mind, therefore I still hope. Hashem’s kindness surely has not ended, nor are His mercies exhausted. They are new every morning, great is Your faithfulness! Hashem is my portion, says my soul, therefore I have hope in Him. Hashem is good to those who trust in Him, to the soul that seeks Him. It is good to hope submissively for Hashem’s salvation, for He has laid it upon him.”
It’s just stunning. It’s almost closer to something I would expect to find in Yeshayahu, although I think the style is more Eicha. It’s a great message. Do you know those times when you just want to give up? Eicha is saying, I give up! I despaired! I’m done! I don’t expect anything from Hashem anymore, there is no hope for me. It’s hopeless! I give up. I give up!
And then Eicha shares with us the secret of how to move past that feeling. What do you do when you want to give up? When you just don’t see how things are ever going to be good ever again? When it’s so bad that you have “forgotten goodness,” even if it’s just in one particular area of life? How do you move past that difficulty and trouble? Then there comes 3:11-13. THIS is what I tell my soul. What do I remind myself? That Hashem is not done giving to me yet. I am alive. Every single day is a new day, and with every single day there is a new chance for Hashem to shower His kindnesses and love upon me. “They are new every morning!” Don’t give up hoping for Hashem to save you from that difficult situation that you’re in. Don’t give up, says Eicha, because Hashem isn’t giving up on you.
And this is just after a few psukim earlier in the very same Perek Eicha cries out, “I am the man who has seen affliction….He has driven me on and on into unrelieved darkness…He has walled me in so that I cannot escape…though I would cry and plead, He shut out my prayer.” He literally feels like there is nowhere to turn, no where to escape, there is no way out. Everything is darkness, he is physically broken. And that’s when He gives up. He despairs. But he is able to turn it around and respond to his soul’s desperation.
I think that’s also an important point. That the way his faith is restored is through himself. Not by others telling him, “It’s going to be OK,” but by him coming to the realization himself. We have that power within us to overcome all of our negative feelings. As much as we want to give up, as much as sometimes things seem hopeless, we have the inner strength inside us to hold on and turn it around.
This was a bit of personal post, but I wanted to share it because it’s been one year since those words inspired me for the first time, and each time I read them, I feel it all over again, because the message is so powerful. No matter what you’re struggling with, don’t give up. Hashem’s kindnesses are new every day. There is always hope.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
That was me
Sometimes G-d sends people into your life briefly to send you certain messages. Despite the fact that I’m no longer in school, as the school year comes to a close and summer begins, I found myself thinking about where I was last year and all of the things that have happened. It’s been one year since I graduated
Today I met a girl who had just graduated college, and though our meeting and conversation was quite short, as we were talking all I could think was, “That was me, one year ago.” Although she did not attend
Luckily, I was able to walk away with a positive feeling. When I graduated college I was so nervous for the future, it seemed so distant and cloudy and unknown. I probably would not have guessed that my life is the way it is, since you can never predict what will happen in your life, though it would not have come as a big surprise. It’s cool that I can look back at a year ago and note all the changes in your life, all the things that happened, the way things turned out, and all the ways that I’ve changed as a person.
This incident was all of 2 minutes, but just the thought, “that was me,” quickly led into, “and what am I now?” What direction has my life taken? Is the path that I find myself on the one that I wanted to be on, the one I chose, or one that I’m on simply because I didn’t keep my focus on the path that I wanted and now I ended up here? It was so strange- it was like a flash of lightning- *that* was me, but it’s not me anymore.
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