Quick Parsha Thought: Parshat Masei
No matter how many times you read something, each time you see it in a different light. I find that every time I read the parsha something different jumps out at me. Here are a some of my observations from reading the parsha this week:
I like this parsha for a very ironic reason: I used to really dislike it. I was bothered because I never understood why the Torah, which values every single letter and even every dot as being important, spent so much space listing all the places B'nei Yisrael traveled in the dessert. At least if it had to list all the places, it might as well write it as a list instead of so many Psukim that start off with "ViYisu" and then "Vayachanu." Why does it list everything? When I first heard the answer that I liked, which was a very long time ago, this became one of the parshas that I liked the most. The answer, of course, is that life is a journey, and every single step along the way is important. Often we are so focused on getting to the end goal, that we don't realize that the process of getting there is equally as important as the end goal.
This week I was struck by the Mashal that Rashi quotes from Rabbi Tanchuma, comparing the list of locations that Hashem lists in the Torah, to a King with an ill son. The King travels very far with the son to heal him, and the son is healed. On their way back home, the King points out the son each of the places they stopped on their way and the terrible situation they were each one of them. This confused me. I had never thought of this parsha as a list of "Remember how bad it was when we were stopped over there," but rather a positive list with the positive aspects of each location fondly being recalled. After I thought about this more, I realized that it is the same thing. Our journeys in life are not easy, they are full of stops and bumps in the road. The obstacles we face may be tough, but in the end, the lessons we learn from them are what make us stronger.
Yes, right over there is where I fell and hurt my foot! And I stumbled and hurt myself in that spot, right there! But I picked myself up. I learned lessons that I would not have learned if I had not fallen. And the Torah lists these places at the end of the journey, once they are about to reach the destination, because most lessons are only learned in retrospect. At the time of the obstacle, things are awful! Things are challenging and terrible, and even painful. But then you look back and say, "Yes, that was bad, but I'm glad I went through it. I wouldn't have wished that upon myself, but now that it is over, I am glad the experience taught me so much."
May we all take this chance to look back at the past and see the important lessons we learned along the path that got us to where we are today in life, and may we appreciate the road and path we are on right now, and value the process itself, the journey, and not just the goal we are striving toward.
_
Showing posts with label challenges. Show all posts
Showing posts with label challenges. Show all posts
Friday, July 29, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Reflections on Tznius
I can still picture the pre-teen chubby blonde girl with glasses who looked up at me and asked curiously, "Aren't you hot wearing that?" That is probably what most Americans think when they see Orthodox Jews, particularly women, dressing in long sleeves in the summer, covering elbows and knees and even wearing tights. I remember smiling at the girl, laughing to myself at the sincere shock in her voice, and replying seriously that I was used to dressing this way and was warm, but not dying of heat. The truth is that I remember thinking the same thing when I was a little kid growing up, as I did not always dress this way: How could anyone in their right mind wear anything more than short sleeves in the summer? The funnier part is now I look at the world around me and wonder how certain people can walk around so exposed. Aren't they embarrassed to reveal so much? Every summer I think about my choice to dress in a Tznius way.
Growing up, my family emphasized the importance of modesty, but definitely not the Halachic requirements involved in keeping the laws of Tznius. Pants, short-sleeves, and even shorts were acceptable, though sleeveless shirts and mini-skirts were never part of my wardrobe. As a kid I loved the cold and hated the heat and if you had told me back then that one day I would wear long sleeves and long skirts in the summer I would have looked at you as though you were crazy. So what made me decide to start keeping Halacha? Unlike most people, and unlike the intention behind the Halachos, at first it had very little to do with modesty. The first time I began to thinking about changing the way I dressed was when I saw that my teachers dressed that way. I looked up to my teachers a lot and respected them, and they covered their elbows and only wore skirts and not pants. Why do they do that? I wondered. And why don't I do that?
For me, wearing skirts and long sleeves is about being proud to be Jewish. Guys sometimes think they have it tough since they have to wear Kippot, as it makes them stand out and screams to the world "Look at me! I am a religious Jew!" Some wear baseball caps on top to cover it up. But that is exactly the point- they do stand out. If you pass a guy with a yarmulke on the street, you know he is Jewish. We used to go places on vacation as a family and we would pass frum Jews and I'd think "Hey, fellow Jews," but they would look at me and never know that I was Jewish. Tznius for Jewish women, in addition to being about modesty, is our way of saying, "I am a religious/observant Jew," and it is is our way of identifying with each other. The same way that a Kippah represents that a Jew must keep in mind that G-d is always there above him, and it is supposed to inspire Yirat Shamayim in all actions, Tznius, for me, was a way of keeping G-d in mind always. The way people dress is their statement to the world, and I wanted the world to know that I was happy and proud to be Jewish, and specifically an Orthodox Jew. And so I started by wearing skirts.
Since wearing skirts and not pants was part of the dress code of my elementary school, the first time I wore a skirt on a Sunday, my mother looked at me confused, asked why I was wearing a skirt, and told me to go change. Being very close with my parents, I was worried this would be a source of tension, and although some use "becoming frummer" as way to rebel, I did not have that intention at all. Not knowing what to do, I changed into another skirt. By this point my mother realized what was going on, and being a Baal Teshuva, she was very understanding and told me that if I wanted to just wear skirts and not wear pants anymore, then that would be quite OK with her. It was my decision. Her words and the way she said this filled me with happiness, just knowing that she was OK with my choosing a slightly different path than hers.
I'd love to say that from that day forward I never wore pants again, but that is not what happened. Spiritual growth doesn't just happen. You try, you fall, and then you get up, and then you fall again. I went back and forth with only wearing skirts and then wearing pants again for a while. Later on in high school, once I learned more Halachot I began taking on other aspects of Tznius as well until I reached the day where keeping it was no longer difficult. My reasons for keeping Tznius soon became just as much about modesty as about Jewish pride.
I used to think that those wearing long sleeves in the summer must die of heat, but the truth is that I am indoors with air conditioning most of the time, and when I am not, that extra bit of fabric really does not make such a big difference. I got used to it pretty fast, and the heat aspect was really not a big obstacle. The bottom line is that when it's really hot outside, everyone is hot, even if you're wearing a tank top and shorts. When that girl asked me if I was hot, I smiled, knowing what I gave up, and how easy it was, and how proud I was to be Jewish.
I would just like to note that it is interesting that often when people take on new spiritual goals, they begin with the external, as was in my case. We begin on the outside becase we want to express ourselves in a way that is obvious to all, something everyone will notice so that they know we have changed internally. While external changes may seem more difficult because we face a reaction socially that we then have to deal with, sometimes it is the changes that no one sees that are the most difficult and also the more meaningful. No one will know if you take on something privately, and no one will know if you drop that goal and stop keeping it. It is those types of goals, however, which are more important than external changes such as way of dress, and I have found that they provide a bigger sense of accomplishment as well.
Food for thought: Have you ever made any religious decisions to change how you dress or to wear or not wear specific articles of clothing? What was your reason for making this change? How has it impacted your life?
_
Growing up, my family emphasized the importance of modesty, but definitely not the Halachic requirements involved in keeping the laws of Tznius. Pants, short-sleeves, and even shorts were acceptable, though sleeveless shirts and mini-skirts were never part of my wardrobe. As a kid I loved the cold and hated the heat and if you had told me back then that one day I would wear long sleeves and long skirts in the summer I would have looked at you as though you were crazy. So what made me decide to start keeping Halacha? Unlike most people, and unlike the intention behind the Halachos, at first it had very little to do with modesty. The first time I began to thinking about changing the way I dressed was when I saw that my teachers dressed that way. I looked up to my teachers a lot and respected them, and they covered their elbows and only wore skirts and not pants. Why do they do that? I wondered. And why don't I do that?
For me, wearing skirts and long sleeves is about being proud to be Jewish. Guys sometimes think they have it tough since they have to wear Kippot, as it makes them stand out and screams to the world "Look at me! I am a religious Jew!" Some wear baseball caps on top to cover it up. But that is exactly the point- they do stand out. If you pass a guy with a yarmulke on the street, you know he is Jewish. We used to go places on vacation as a family and we would pass frum Jews and I'd think "Hey, fellow Jews," but they would look at me and never know that I was Jewish. Tznius for Jewish women, in addition to being about modesty, is our way of saying, "I am a religious/observant Jew," and it is is our way of identifying with each other. The same way that a Kippah represents that a Jew must keep in mind that G-d is always there above him, and it is supposed to inspire Yirat Shamayim in all actions, Tznius, for me, was a way of keeping G-d in mind always. The way people dress is their statement to the world, and I wanted the world to know that I was happy and proud to be Jewish, and specifically an Orthodox Jew. And so I started by wearing skirts.
Since wearing skirts and not pants was part of the dress code of my elementary school, the first time I wore a skirt on a Sunday, my mother looked at me confused, asked why I was wearing a skirt, and told me to go change. Being very close with my parents, I was worried this would be a source of tension, and although some use "becoming frummer" as way to rebel, I did not have that intention at all. Not knowing what to do, I changed into another skirt. By this point my mother realized what was going on, and being a Baal Teshuva, she was very understanding and told me that if I wanted to just wear skirts and not wear pants anymore, then that would be quite OK with her. It was my decision. Her words and the way she said this filled me with happiness, just knowing that she was OK with my choosing a slightly different path than hers.
I'd love to say that from that day forward I never wore pants again, but that is not what happened. Spiritual growth doesn't just happen. You try, you fall, and then you get up, and then you fall again. I went back and forth with only wearing skirts and then wearing pants again for a while. Later on in high school, once I learned more Halachot I began taking on other aspects of Tznius as well until I reached the day where keeping it was no longer difficult. My reasons for keeping Tznius soon became just as much about modesty as about Jewish pride.
I used to think that those wearing long sleeves in the summer must die of heat, but the truth is that I am indoors with air conditioning most of the time, and when I am not, that extra bit of fabric really does not make such a big difference. I got used to it pretty fast, and the heat aspect was really not a big obstacle. The bottom line is that when it's really hot outside, everyone is hot, even if you're wearing a tank top and shorts. When that girl asked me if I was hot, I smiled, knowing what I gave up, and how easy it was, and how proud I was to be Jewish.
I would just like to note that it is interesting that often when people take on new spiritual goals, they begin with the external, as was in my case. We begin on the outside becase we want to express ourselves in a way that is obvious to all, something everyone will notice so that they know we have changed internally. While external changes may seem more difficult because we face a reaction socially that we then have to deal with, sometimes it is the changes that no one sees that are the most difficult and also the more meaningful. No one will know if you take on something privately, and no one will know if you drop that goal and stop keeping it. It is those types of goals, however, which are more important than external changes such as way of dress, and I have found that they provide a bigger sense of accomplishment as well.
Food for thought: Have you ever made any religious decisions to change how you dress or to wear or not wear specific articles of clothing? What was your reason for making this change? How has it impacted your life?
_
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Why I love Parshat B'Shalach
All parshiot are great, though perhaps some are difficult to relate to, but every year Parshat B’Shalach really gets to me. An inspirational story with a practical lesson as well. Talk about drama and the suspense. Hashem finally took out B’nei Yisrael from Mitzrayim, they are free to go, only they find themselves facing the biggest challenge yet. I mean, don’t we find that is true in life as well? Just when think we finally got through a tough situation/time and we finally made it out, we find ourselves bombarded with the next challenge, which just seems even more impossible.
We are all so used to the story of Kriat Yam Suf, but can you just imagine what it must have felt like to be there? They are completely and utterly trapped. There is a large body of water in front of them and the Egyptians are chasing them. There is absolutely no where for them to go. For us we’re like, “Well, if you can’t go around it, go through it- go through the water. Just ask Hashem to create a path of dry land for you.” They did not have boats and it must have seemed like there was no way out. Scary thought: Wait a minute. We thought the best thing that could happen to us is to be free from slavery. Now we’re free. What if the freedom that we’ve longed for is actually worse?
New situations can be scary. Sometimes we’re afraid to leave bad situations because knowledge and familiarity is comforting, and jumping into a situation where you don’t know what’s flying can be terrifying, even if you know intellectually that it is better. There is always that fear that perhaps even though it is supposed to be better, it won’t be. So B’nei Yisrael panic for a second. Moshe urges them to hang in there and wait and see the amazing way Hashem is going to save them.
And then, just as they think it is over, that there is nowhere to turn, the naturally impossible happens. Hashem performs a miracle and they walk on dry land through the water. Though Hashem doesn’t perform miracles that defy nature today, we can still learn the lesson that even situations that seem impossible to overcome have a solution. We can always hope and always turn to Hashem.
Another reason I love this week’s parsha is because of the amazing faith of the Jewish people, particularly the Jewish women who prepared musical instruments for the time of redemption. When you’re in a bad situation, you are often stuck in a bad mindset that doesn’t allow you to think about a time when things will be better. Thinking that, “Things will get better, and to prove it, I better get ready for it,” is a great lesson as well.
This reminds me of one of my favorite stories, the origin of which I unfortunately I do not know. The story is told of a town that was suffering a lack of rainfall and the drought was so serious that it was threatening their survival. The community gathered together and prayed, they fasted, and prayed some more. Nothing seemed to be working. Finally, someone from the town approached the Rabbi and begged him to do something. The Rabbi thought for a while and told the entire community to gather together in the field to pray together for rain. Every single person, all men, women, children, gathered together outside at the appointed time. When the Rabbi shows up he looked out at the entire community and asked, “Do you believe that it is going to rain?” “Yes!” they shouted in unison. But the Rabbi asked again, “Do you really, truly, believe that it is going to rain?” Again, they all replied that they did. The Rabbi then asked a simple question, “So, nu, where are all of your umbrellas?!”
Parshat B’Shalach teaches us that Hashem can save us at any moment, no matter how desperate a situation may seem. If we really have faith that Hashem will save us, then we have to show that we are ready for it.
Have a good shabbos!
We are all so used to the story of Kriat Yam Suf, but can you just imagine what it must have felt like to be there? They are completely and utterly trapped. There is a large body of water in front of them and the Egyptians are chasing them. There is absolutely no where for them to go. For us we’re like, “Well, if you can’t go around it, go through it- go through the water. Just ask Hashem to create a path of dry land for you.” They did not have boats and it must have seemed like there was no way out. Scary thought: Wait a minute. We thought the best thing that could happen to us is to be free from slavery. Now we’re free. What if the freedom that we’ve longed for is actually worse?
New situations can be scary. Sometimes we’re afraid to leave bad situations because knowledge and familiarity is comforting, and jumping into a situation where you don’t know what’s flying can be terrifying, even if you know intellectually that it is better. There is always that fear that perhaps even though it is supposed to be better, it won’t be. So B’nei Yisrael panic for a second. Moshe urges them to hang in there and wait and see the amazing way Hashem is going to save them.
And then, just as they think it is over, that there is nowhere to turn, the naturally impossible happens. Hashem performs a miracle and they walk on dry land through the water. Though Hashem doesn’t perform miracles that defy nature today, we can still learn the lesson that even situations that seem impossible to overcome have a solution. We can always hope and always turn to Hashem.
Another reason I love this week’s parsha is because of the amazing faith of the Jewish people, particularly the Jewish women who prepared musical instruments for the time of redemption. When you’re in a bad situation, you are often stuck in a bad mindset that doesn’t allow you to think about a time when things will be better. Thinking that, “Things will get better, and to prove it, I better get ready for it,” is a great lesson as well.
This reminds me of one of my favorite stories, the origin of which I unfortunately I do not know. The story is told of a town that was suffering a lack of rainfall and the drought was so serious that it was threatening their survival. The community gathered together and prayed, they fasted, and prayed some more. Nothing seemed to be working. Finally, someone from the town approached the Rabbi and begged him to do something. The Rabbi thought for a while and told the entire community to gather together in the field to pray together for rain. Every single person, all men, women, children, gathered together outside at the appointed time. When the Rabbi shows up he looked out at the entire community and asked, “Do you believe that it is going to rain?” “Yes!” they shouted in unison. But the Rabbi asked again, “Do you really, truly, believe that it is going to rain?” Again, they all replied that they did. The Rabbi then asked a simple question, “So, nu, where are all of your umbrellas?!”
Parshat B’Shalach teaches us that Hashem can save us at any moment, no matter how desperate a situation may seem. If we really have faith that Hashem will save us, then we have to show that we are ready for it.
Have a good shabbos!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Breaking My TV Addiction: Last Year's New Years Resolution
As 2010 draws to a close, I decided to reflect on last year’s New Years Resolution. I’m not big on New Years Resolutions, and in fact last year- 2009- was the first time I ever made one. I usually prefer to set my spiritual goals at Rosh Hashanah and use that time for reflection. Last year, however, the timing was right, and so I decided to make a New Years Resolution: to overcome my addiction to television. I made this decision not only for religious reasons, but for psychological ones as well. This is not a preachy post, it is not post venting about the evils of TV, rather it is thoughts about my own experience, which perhaps will encourage someone else struggling with the same issue. But before I get to the ending of the story, let me start at the beginning.
Let me start off my story by saying that December 31, 2009, was not my first attempt at giving up watching TV. As a child, I grew up with a TV in my house, but my family did not watch TV very much. Television was an occasional pastime for amusement, not something to be glued to for hours and hours a night. As I got older I watched more TV, and at some point in my early teens I became obsessed with a certain TV show. I would rush home from school to watch episodes and when I couldn’t make it, I would tape it so I could watch it later and not miss anything. Lots of people do this, but at some point I realized it wasn’t good for me to be so obsessed, and I slowly tried to stop. I remember one day, when it was time for that show to be on, and I forced myself to go to another room and not turn on the TV. The entire hour that the show was on was a struggle, as I had the constant urge to go watch even whatever was left. I didn’t just wake up that day and stop, I watched the show again after that, but slowly I weaned myself away from it until I was so firm in my resolve that it would be a struggle to get myself to watch the show. I grew to the point that I was so determined to stay far away from it.
Though I was victorious with that one show, I still watched other shows and movies all the time. Then came high school where I had teachers that spoke out against the evils of TV, and at some point in there I think I successfully gave TV up for a short amount of time, but then went back to it later. The longest I went without watching TV/movies was my year in Israel, and to be honest, I didn’t even miss it, not even a tiny bit. My time was spent doing other things and I never had the urge to watch TV. After I returned from Israel, I was resolved to keep this habit of staying away from TV, but that did not last very long. Although I was in college and away from my house with a TV, there was always my laptop and my friends’ laptops to watch movies, and it became a great way to procrastinate or relax, but it was also a social thing. It also always starts with one movie. “Oh, it won’t be so bad just to watch this one harmless film,” I would think to myself. But it is the beginning of a spiral. Numerous times I tried to limit my amount of TV-watching, knowing that it wasn’t realistic to try to give it up completely because that wouldn’t work. Those attempts were short-lived.
I would like to share my reasons for trying to give up TV. You see, I do not believe that TV is completely evil and that it is awful to watch any TV. In fact, that was a big part of my struggle. In many ways it is easier to fight something that is clearly wrong than it is to fight something that is only sort of bad. I kept justifying my television watching by telling myself that I wasn’t really watching anything so bad, which is pretty true, since most things were not inappropriate or obviously over the line. Watching relatively clean TV is not against Halacha, and since it is not Assur, that allowed me to rationalize that it was not really wrong, and that made it harder for me to stay away from. Finally, when I was able to verbalize my personal reasons that TV was having a negative influence on me and my life, I was able to stop. There are two main reasons, and as I mentioned before, one is religious and one is psychological.
The first reason is the religious reason, and my perspective on this is not the one that I have often heard, so let me explain it as follows. There is right and there is wrong. Pretty basic, not a novel concept that is difficult to understand. How do you know what is right and wrong? “That’s easy,” you might say, “I just know.” But the bottom line is that right and wrong, good and bad, are all determined by G-d and explained in the Torah. In society, especially in American culture, my experience is that morals are subjective and the entire realm of right and wrong is one big area of utter chaos and confusion. Everything is viewed subjectively and each person is left to decide for themselves, which is a task equivalent to trying not to fall down when someone much stronger than you pushes you with a heavy force and crushes you to the ground. If you’re left to fend for yourself to figure out what is morally correct and incorrect, your Yetzer HaRah will crush you. Your desires will take over your intellect. TV represents American culture. That is why it is very tricky.
I didn’t even realize it, but TV can mess up your moral compass. All of the sudden things that should seem outrageous to you seem perfectly fine. You watch people being murdered and violence, even in clean movies. You watch characters speak Lashon Harah, treat other characters in verbally abusive ways, act sexually promiscuous, and commit adultery. And the crazy part is that you’re rooting for these characters, the good guys, to do these wrong actions. And did you notice that most TV characters fail to ever show self control? They want something or someone and they go for it. They seek pleasure and don’t worry about consequences. Sure, there are some very good movies out there, movies that teach good lessons, movies that are inspiring. I have seen plenty of those. But those are not the majority, and it is difficult to know beforehand that the entire movie will be OK.
Entering the world of movies/TV is entering a world without Hashem. Often G-d’s existence is lacking in these worlds of fiction. Although I don’t believe watching TV is objectively wrong, I believe it is spiritually dangerous. Like all risky things, some people handle them better than others. I didn’t like the direction that I was going in with this influencing me. The bottom line of my religious reason comes down to the fact that movies were taking me farther away from Hashem and Torah. Since one of my goals is to be close to Hashem, I realized that watching movies and TV was not going to work for me.
The second reason, which for me was an equally compelling reason to stop, is the psychological one, and that is that I was using TV as an escape. I used to TV not just to relax, which isn’t such a bad thing, but rather I started thinking thoughts such as, “Wow, I had a terrible day. I need to watch a movie now.” I felt like if I watched TV then it would make everything all better. While it is great to be mindless for a little while and be swept into another world where you don’t have to think about real life, it makes returning to reality that much more difficult. While I was actually watching TV I enjoyed it, but afterwards I returned to feeling sad about my bad day. I realized I should live life and not just watch it, that I should appreciate my own life instead of living vicariously through others, and that I had to stop trying to escape my life, but rather deal with it and find the joy in it. There is a thin line between, “I am going to relax,” and “I want to escape my life for a bit,” and I was on the wrong side of the line.
For those two reasons, I decided to stop watching TV, but I had tried so many times before and was not successful, so I didn’t know how to go about doing it, until I had a break through. Most of the time the way to cure a drug addict or an alcoholic is not to tell them to reduce the amount of drugs/alcohol they are taking bit by bit. It is too hard to stop that way because once they have a little they want to have more. The way to stop is to just quit cold turkey. I decided to quit cold turkey. I would have never thought to do this because it wouldn’t be realistic. That goal is just too big; there is no way I could do that! My moment of break through was that perhaps it sounded too big, but I had to take the leap. The worst thing that could happen is that I would fail, but I had to at least try. So I jumped into my plan of starting January 1, 2010 to never watch TV/movies again. The one exception I made for myself is that I wouldn’t give up YouTube videos, because my friends post videos on Facebook all the time, and people email me cute videos all the time, and I knew that would be impossible. Also, I don’t think short 5 minute videos are equivalent to movies/television. The problem is that there are plenty of movie/TV clips on YouTube.
I am proud to say that I have pretty much kept my New Years resolution from last year. I have not watched a single movie since the year 2009, and I have not watched a single TV show, except for once, when I was in the same room as a friend who was watching a half-hour comedy show, which was loud and I was unsuccessful in my attempt to tune out. I also had a few partial slip-ups- times when I watched videos on YouTube for longer than I feel really fits into this resolution. In any case, everyone slips up. Putting those few slip-ups aside, overall I consider my resolution a success.
Interestingly, giving up TV was a lot easier than I would have imagined. It was not hard at all. In fact, all of the partial slip-ups were recently, in the past few months. The first few months, despite what I would have guessed, were actually the easiest. I knew the hardest part was going to be when friends wanted to watch movies with me. One thing I didn’t mention yet is that I only told two people about this decision. It was really important to me that no one know about it since I wanted to be sure that my intentions were pure and I wasn’t just putting on a show. Plus, it was a private decision, (which is of course why I’m writing all about it on my blog! :) - no, but seriously) and it wasn’t something I wanted to share with the world (or at least with people who know me). Which just goes to show you that Hashem helps you out in whatever direction you plan to go, because somehow this year I managed to get out of the few times my friends have asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with them by saying that I was busy. I don’t know how that plan managed to work for a whole year, but clearly Hashem was helping me out. The part of this decision which I thought would be hardest was not difficult at all in the end.
The impact that this decision has made on my life has been significant, but not enormous. While a nice ending to this story would be to say that it had a huge impact, the truth is that the effect was barely detectable. However, I do believe that this change has made me a happier person and the feeling that I accomplished something that I never dreamed I would ever be able to accomplish is a truly great feeling. I like my life better without TV, and I like myself better without it. I recognize that this is not for everyone, but for me, it was the right choice. I could probably write a lot more about this, but I will end by saying that I am glad I made the resolution, and that I took on something so big, and even more pleased with myself that I stuck to it.
.
Let me start off my story by saying that December 31, 2009, was not my first attempt at giving up watching TV. As a child, I grew up with a TV in my house, but my family did not watch TV very much. Television was an occasional pastime for amusement, not something to be glued to for hours and hours a night. As I got older I watched more TV, and at some point in my early teens I became obsessed with a certain TV show. I would rush home from school to watch episodes and when I couldn’t make it, I would tape it so I could watch it later and not miss anything. Lots of people do this, but at some point I realized it wasn’t good for me to be so obsessed, and I slowly tried to stop. I remember one day, when it was time for that show to be on, and I forced myself to go to another room and not turn on the TV. The entire hour that the show was on was a struggle, as I had the constant urge to go watch even whatever was left. I didn’t just wake up that day and stop, I watched the show again after that, but slowly I weaned myself away from it until I was so firm in my resolve that it would be a struggle to get myself to watch the show. I grew to the point that I was so determined to stay far away from it.
Though I was victorious with that one show, I still watched other shows and movies all the time. Then came high school where I had teachers that spoke out against the evils of TV, and at some point in there I think I successfully gave TV up for a short amount of time, but then went back to it later. The longest I went without watching TV/movies was my year in Israel, and to be honest, I didn’t even miss it, not even a tiny bit. My time was spent doing other things and I never had the urge to watch TV. After I returned from Israel, I was resolved to keep this habit of staying away from TV, but that did not last very long. Although I was in college and away from my house with a TV, there was always my laptop and my friends’ laptops to watch movies, and it became a great way to procrastinate or relax, but it was also a social thing. It also always starts with one movie. “Oh, it won’t be so bad just to watch this one harmless film,” I would think to myself. But it is the beginning of a spiral. Numerous times I tried to limit my amount of TV-watching, knowing that it wasn’t realistic to try to give it up completely because that wouldn’t work. Those attempts were short-lived.
I would like to share my reasons for trying to give up TV. You see, I do not believe that TV is completely evil and that it is awful to watch any TV. In fact, that was a big part of my struggle. In many ways it is easier to fight something that is clearly wrong than it is to fight something that is only sort of bad. I kept justifying my television watching by telling myself that I wasn’t really watching anything so bad, which is pretty true, since most things were not inappropriate or obviously over the line. Watching relatively clean TV is not against Halacha, and since it is not Assur, that allowed me to rationalize that it was not really wrong, and that made it harder for me to stay away from. Finally, when I was able to verbalize my personal reasons that TV was having a negative influence on me and my life, I was able to stop. There are two main reasons, and as I mentioned before, one is religious and one is psychological.
The first reason is the religious reason, and my perspective on this is not the one that I have often heard, so let me explain it as follows. There is right and there is wrong. Pretty basic, not a novel concept that is difficult to understand. How do you know what is right and wrong? “That’s easy,” you might say, “I just know.” But the bottom line is that right and wrong, good and bad, are all determined by G-d and explained in the Torah. In society, especially in American culture, my experience is that morals are subjective and the entire realm of right and wrong is one big area of utter chaos and confusion. Everything is viewed subjectively and each person is left to decide for themselves, which is a task equivalent to trying not to fall down when someone much stronger than you pushes you with a heavy force and crushes you to the ground. If you’re left to fend for yourself to figure out what is morally correct and incorrect, your Yetzer HaRah will crush you. Your desires will take over your intellect. TV represents American culture. That is why it is very tricky.
I didn’t even realize it, but TV can mess up your moral compass. All of the sudden things that should seem outrageous to you seem perfectly fine. You watch people being murdered and violence, even in clean movies. You watch characters speak Lashon Harah, treat other characters in verbally abusive ways, act sexually promiscuous, and commit adultery. And the crazy part is that you’re rooting for these characters, the good guys, to do these wrong actions. And did you notice that most TV characters fail to ever show self control? They want something or someone and they go for it. They seek pleasure and don’t worry about consequences. Sure, there are some very good movies out there, movies that teach good lessons, movies that are inspiring. I have seen plenty of those. But those are not the majority, and it is difficult to know beforehand that the entire movie will be OK.
Entering the world of movies/TV is entering a world without Hashem. Often G-d’s existence is lacking in these worlds of fiction. Although I don’t believe watching TV is objectively wrong, I believe it is spiritually dangerous. Like all risky things, some people handle them better than others. I didn’t like the direction that I was going in with this influencing me. The bottom line of my religious reason comes down to the fact that movies were taking me farther away from Hashem and Torah. Since one of my goals is to be close to Hashem, I realized that watching movies and TV was not going to work for me.
The second reason, which for me was an equally compelling reason to stop, is the psychological one, and that is that I was using TV as an escape. I used to TV not just to relax, which isn’t such a bad thing, but rather I started thinking thoughts such as, “Wow, I had a terrible day. I need to watch a movie now.” I felt like if I watched TV then it would make everything all better. While it is great to be mindless for a little while and be swept into another world where you don’t have to think about real life, it makes returning to reality that much more difficult. While I was actually watching TV I enjoyed it, but afterwards I returned to feeling sad about my bad day. I realized I should live life and not just watch it, that I should appreciate my own life instead of living vicariously through others, and that I had to stop trying to escape my life, but rather deal with it and find the joy in it. There is a thin line between, “I am going to relax,” and “I want to escape my life for a bit,” and I was on the wrong side of the line.
For those two reasons, I decided to stop watching TV, but I had tried so many times before and was not successful, so I didn’t know how to go about doing it, until I had a break through. Most of the time the way to cure a drug addict or an alcoholic is not to tell them to reduce the amount of drugs/alcohol they are taking bit by bit. It is too hard to stop that way because once they have a little they want to have more. The way to stop is to just quit cold turkey. I decided to quit cold turkey. I would have never thought to do this because it wouldn’t be realistic. That goal is just too big; there is no way I could do that! My moment of break through was that perhaps it sounded too big, but I had to take the leap. The worst thing that could happen is that I would fail, but I had to at least try. So I jumped into my plan of starting January 1, 2010 to never watch TV/movies again. The one exception I made for myself is that I wouldn’t give up YouTube videos, because my friends post videos on Facebook all the time, and people email me cute videos all the time, and I knew that would be impossible. Also, I don’t think short 5 minute videos are equivalent to movies/television. The problem is that there are plenty of movie/TV clips on YouTube.
I am proud to say that I have pretty much kept my New Years resolution from last year. I have not watched a single movie since the year 2009, and I have not watched a single TV show, except for once, when I was in the same room as a friend who was watching a half-hour comedy show, which was loud and I was unsuccessful in my attempt to tune out. I also had a few partial slip-ups- times when I watched videos on YouTube for longer than I feel really fits into this resolution. In any case, everyone slips up. Putting those few slip-ups aside, overall I consider my resolution a success.
Interestingly, giving up TV was a lot easier than I would have imagined. It was not hard at all. In fact, all of the partial slip-ups were recently, in the past few months. The first few months, despite what I would have guessed, were actually the easiest. I knew the hardest part was going to be when friends wanted to watch movies with me. One thing I didn’t mention yet is that I only told two people about this decision. It was really important to me that no one know about it since I wanted to be sure that my intentions were pure and I wasn’t just putting on a show. Plus, it was a private decision, (which is of course why I’m writing all about it on my blog! :) - no, but seriously) and it wasn’t something I wanted to share with the world (or at least with people who know me). Which just goes to show you that Hashem helps you out in whatever direction you plan to go, because somehow this year I managed to get out of the few times my friends have asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with them by saying that I was busy. I don’t know how that plan managed to work for a whole year, but clearly Hashem was helping me out. The part of this decision which I thought would be hardest was not difficult at all in the end.
The impact that this decision has made on my life has been significant, but not enormous. While a nice ending to this story would be to say that it had a huge impact, the truth is that the effect was barely detectable. However, I do believe that this change has made me a happier person and the feeling that I accomplished something that I never dreamed I would ever be able to accomplish is a truly great feeling. I like my life better without TV, and I like myself better without it. I recognize that this is not for everyone, but for me, it was the right choice. I could probably write a lot more about this, but I will end by saying that I am glad I made the resolution, and that I took on something so big, and even more pleased with myself that I stuck to it.
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Sunday, December 12, 2010
Dieting Challenges
I am quite ready for Adar Sheini. With all of the Chaggim falling so early, Chanukah ended up right after Thanksgiving, and I decided that their unusual proximity was to blame when I hopped on the scale and cringed at what I saw. At least during Tishrei we’ve got two fast days in there to offer some assistance. After all, by the time I finished with leftovers from the turkey, stuffing, pumpkin pie and other goodies from Thanksgiving, there were only a few days before Chanukah began, and the next thing I knew there was just so much to eat between the Chanukah gelt (I am a chocoholic), sufganiot, and delicious yet fattening, oily latkes. Although it is probably a good thing that at the time they were instituting the minhagim for Chanukah they had no knowledge of things such as fast food, French fries or high fructose corn syrup. I could only imagine if the story had happened in today’s day and age with the high rates of obesity, that the minhag would be to eat salad with an olive oil dressing to commemorate the oil burning 8 nights. While not as tasty, that would perhaps have been better for my diet. You know, the one that starts tomorrow (as diets always do).
I remember the first time I decided to try to lose a couple pounds. Baruch Hashem I only had a couple of pounds to lose-I was never overweight, though I was never skinny either. I had never considered exercising or dieting; I seriously enjoy eating good food and never liked sports or being active, as I was quite out of shape and would find myself huffing and puffing after anything longer or faster than a 5 minute walk. But in high school for the first time I got my act together and started eating healthier and started exercising. Losing weight is really difficult for a number of reasons, but one reason is that it requires a lot of motivation and perseverance to continue when it doesn’t seem like you are accomplishing anything at all. We often expect to see immediate results, and unless you go on some crazy diet to lose weight fast (which I am completely against because in most cases I’ve seen as soon as people go off of it they gain the weight right back and no one can stick to one of those crazy things forever), losing weight takes time. At least it does if you do it by changing your lifestyle and your eating habits.
I used to be jealous of people who are very skinny, especially those who insist that they are unable to gain weight no matter how hard they try. I always say that if I was super skinny I would never exercise at all and I would eat anything I wanted all the time. Which is why it is a really great thing that Hashem did not make me naturally skinny because then I would be very unhealthy. I realized that if I was born super skinny, I would not have learned some of the great lessons I learned from exercising and dieting. The first main lesson I learned was the one I mentioned above about perseverance, and along with that is patience. This comes in handy in so many situations in life, especially when it comes to working on middot. Sometimes I unrealistically think that I will just be able to change overnight, that I will just decide in my head to abolish a certain negative behavior from my life and that will be the end of it. Unfortunately, things are just not that simple. You don’t lose weight overnight, and you can’t change yourself overnight. Sometimes you might even gain weight before you lose weight. Sometimes you’ll fail before you succeed. But you can’t let that stop you or you will not get anywhere. You have to keep going day after day after day, even if you do not feel like you are accomplishing anything.
Another lesson that I learned is that it is not all or nothing. Just because I broke my diet and ate that piece of cake I promised myself I wouldn’t touch, doesn’t mean I should give up and decide to throw the whole diet out the window. One mess-up doesn’t mean it’s time to give up. The same thing is true for exercising. Ideally, working out for longer is better, but just because I don’t have time to work out for an hour every day, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t work out at all. If I can work out for 45 minutes one day, then that is great. If another day all I have is 15 minutes, then that is what I have and I go for it. I do what I can do and try my best. (As I wrote about before, every drop counts.)
Despite starting out completely out of shape, I started exercising regularly in high school and kept it up. I laugh when I think about how lazy I used to be and how I would get out breathe by walking down the block. When I go for a walk for an hour and feel like I can keep going, I feel great. Additionally, exercising turned out to be a great outlet for me to let out steam and de-stress. It’s a great way to take a break and revitalize. Although there are days when I don’t want to exercise at all and force myself to anyway, most of the time I feel great afterwards. To finish the story, I lost a relatively small, but for me a decent size amount of weight over a long, long time, most of which I kept off, though it’s been up and down.
Now that Thanksgiving and Chanukah are over, the diet starts today. Not tomorrow, today. Even if it is small, even if it is step by step, even if it seems like I’m not going anywhere. Even though I know I’m going to mess up, and won’t stick to my original plan. I will overcome my dieting challenges!
.
I remember the first time I decided to try to lose a couple pounds. Baruch Hashem I only had a couple of pounds to lose-I was never overweight, though I was never skinny either. I had never considered exercising or dieting; I seriously enjoy eating good food and never liked sports or being active, as I was quite out of shape and would find myself huffing and puffing after anything longer or faster than a 5 minute walk. But in high school for the first time I got my act together and started eating healthier and started exercising. Losing weight is really difficult for a number of reasons, but one reason is that it requires a lot of motivation and perseverance to continue when it doesn’t seem like you are accomplishing anything at all. We often expect to see immediate results, and unless you go on some crazy diet to lose weight fast (which I am completely against because in most cases I’ve seen as soon as people go off of it they gain the weight right back and no one can stick to one of those crazy things forever), losing weight takes time. At least it does if you do it by changing your lifestyle and your eating habits.
I used to be jealous of people who are very skinny, especially those who insist that they are unable to gain weight no matter how hard they try. I always say that if I was super skinny I would never exercise at all and I would eat anything I wanted all the time. Which is why it is a really great thing that Hashem did not make me naturally skinny because then I would be very unhealthy. I realized that if I was born super skinny, I would not have learned some of the great lessons I learned from exercising and dieting. The first main lesson I learned was the one I mentioned above about perseverance, and along with that is patience. This comes in handy in so many situations in life, especially when it comes to working on middot. Sometimes I unrealistically think that I will just be able to change overnight, that I will just decide in my head to abolish a certain negative behavior from my life and that will be the end of it. Unfortunately, things are just not that simple. You don’t lose weight overnight, and you can’t change yourself overnight. Sometimes you might even gain weight before you lose weight. Sometimes you’ll fail before you succeed. But you can’t let that stop you or you will not get anywhere. You have to keep going day after day after day, even if you do not feel like you are accomplishing anything.
Another lesson that I learned is that it is not all or nothing. Just because I broke my diet and ate that piece of cake I promised myself I wouldn’t touch, doesn’t mean I should give up and decide to throw the whole diet out the window. One mess-up doesn’t mean it’s time to give up. The same thing is true for exercising. Ideally, working out for longer is better, but just because I don’t have time to work out for an hour every day, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t work out at all. If I can work out for 45 minutes one day, then that is great. If another day all I have is 15 minutes, then that is what I have and I go for it. I do what I can do and try my best. (As I wrote about before, every drop counts.)
Despite starting out completely out of shape, I started exercising regularly in high school and kept it up. I laugh when I think about how lazy I used to be and how I would get out breathe by walking down the block. When I go for a walk for an hour and feel like I can keep going, I feel great. Additionally, exercising turned out to be a great outlet for me to let out steam and de-stress. It’s a great way to take a break and revitalize. Although there are days when I don’t want to exercise at all and force myself to anyway, most of the time I feel great afterwards. To finish the story, I lost a relatively small, but for me a decent size amount of weight over a long, long time, most of which I kept off, though it’s been up and down.
Now that Thanksgiving and Chanukah are over, the diet starts today. Not tomorrow, today. Even if it is small, even if it is step by step, even if it seems like I’m not going anywhere. Even though I know I’m going to mess up, and won’t stick to my original plan. I will overcome my dieting challenges!
.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Changing Leaves
I was walking outside and started smiling as I noticed that the leaves are changing colors. I love autumn, perhaps because it is because the season with my birthday (and a number of other bloggers as well!), and perhaps because I enjoy the weather when it is cool, but not yet too cold, but also because fall is a time of change. I always love to watch the trees and the leaves starting at the end of the summer, as they turn beautiful different colors, from green to yellow to red to brown. Some of my best times for reflection when I was younger were those rainy days after school had just started, when I would sit staring out of my window, watching the rain drops hit the puddles in the street, and watching the rushing water full of colorful leaves. The leaves turning colors is just one sign for me that the end of summer and beginning of fall is associated with change. The end of camp, the beginning of a new school year, transition from one part of life to the next.
Recently I was talking about some event that will be happening in June, which seems so far away right now, and the first thought that entered my mind was, “Wow, I sincerely hope that my life is significantly different in that point in time in every way.” This gut reaction shocked me and I wondered, “Am I that unhappy with my life that I want to change it so badly?” I mean, I know things aren’t perfect- you can always find something to complain about if you try, but until that moment I hadn’t realized how much I wanted things to change. But does that necessarily mean that I am not happy with how things are right now? Life changes all the time whether we like it or not, so wouldn’t it be best to welcome the change gladly instead of fighting it?
Sometimes it is difficult to find the right balance of being happy with the with the status quo, the way things are now, and yet at the same time longing for something even better, wanting things to be different. If everything was just great all the time, there would be no force moving us forward. The dream that things could be better is often was pushes us to spring to action and accomplish. The key is feeling both satisfied and unsatisfied at the same time; happy enough not to wallow in misery all day long, yet feeling as though something is lacking and striving to change the situation.
They say Shlomo HaMelech had a ring that said “Gam Zeh Yaavor.” This too will pass. That message is important to remember both when things are good and when they are not as good. When things are not so great, it is good to know that this time will pass and that things will get better. When things are going well, it is helpful to keep in mind that things will change eventually so we should take advantage and enjoy every minute of the good times we are in. To me, autumn is the essence of Gam Zeh Yaavor, of transition from one part of life to the next.
Recently I was talking about some event that will be happening in June, which seems so far away right now, and the first thought that entered my mind was, “Wow, I sincerely hope that my life is significantly different in that point in time in every way.” This gut reaction shocked me and I wondered, “Am I that unhappy with my life that I want to change it so badly?” I mean, I know things aren’t perfect- you can always find something to complain about if you try, but until that moment I hadn’t realized how much I wanted things to change. But does that necessarily mean that I am not happy with how things are right now? Life changes all the time whether we like it or not, so wouldn’t it be best to welcome the change gladly instead of fighting it?
Sometimes it is difficult to find the right balance of being happy with the with the status quo, the way things are now, and yet at the same time longing for something even better, wanting things to be different. If everything was just great all the time, there would be no force moving us forward. The dream that things could be better is often was pushes us to spring to action and accomplish. The key is feeling both satisfied and unsatisfied at the same time; happy enough not to wallow in misery all day long, yet feeling as though something is lacking and striving to change the situation.
They say Shlomo HaMelech had a ring that said “Gam Zeh Yaavor.” This too will pass. That message is important to remember both when things are good and when they are not as good. When things are not so great, it is good to know that this time will pass and that things will get better. When things are going well, it is helpful to keep in mind that things will change eventually so we should take advantage and enjoy every minute of the good times we are in. To me, autumn is the essence of Gam Zeh Yaavor, of transition from one part of life to the next.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Younger Siblings and Shidduchim
Well, it finally happened, and I was completely unprepared for it. My younger sister informed me that her first friend/acquaintance her age just got engaged. She just got back from seminary, a few months ago. This actually happened a little while ago, and I have been gathering my thoughts on the subject. Reading Bad4’s post ("Why I Need to Get Married Fast") on this topic, along with my sister telling me of another engagement, reminded me of the main thought running through my head when I originally heard my sister’s news: Now I officially feel old. I usually don't claim to be approaching the "old maid" category, since I know that I am nowhere near there yet (depending on who you ask :) ). I even have a birthday coming up soon and I am excited for it, not dreading it- if anything it reminds me just how young I am in the scheme of things. This piece of news, however, made me feel old. It took me by surprise and for the first time my thoughts jumped to a question I never considered, “What if my younger sister gets married before I do?”
Lately I seem to be hearing more and more about younger siblings who get married before their older siblings. I even heard about a support group for singles whose younger siblings are getting married. If the younger sibling is only one or two years younger than you, then I don’t think it’s quite as big a deal, but if your younger sibling is three or more years younger than you, then I would imagine that it would be really difficult. Whenever I hear of someone getting engaged and I know they have an older sibling who is not yet married, right after I think “Mazel Tov” I cringe and think, “Oy, I feel bad for them.” And I know, no singles want pity, the worst thing in the world is to be looked at as a nebach, as in “I’m so sorry, I feel so bad for you.” But I can’t help feeling that way, I can’t help feeling that they must be in some kind of pain. I put myself in their shoes and all I can feel is “Ouch. That has got to hurt.”
I never really thought about the possibility of my sister getting married before I did because she is so much younger and I always assumed I’d be married long before she even started dating. In fact, I still hope that to be the case, since unlike Bad4’s sister, I don’t believe my sister intends to start dating for another year or two. So I have a little while before I need to really worry about this, and I hope that I won’t have to. But in all honestly, if I’m not married in two years and my sister wants to start dating, it will probably be very hard for me. I will of course tell her to start dating, and I would never want to hold her back, but I can’t picture attending her wedding while I am still single, with everyone glancing nervously over at me, wondering how I’m holding up. The very thought of that possibility is painful. I definitely don’t understand how those who have more than one younger sibling married before them handle it.
When I step back and try to think about this from an objective standpoint, it really makes no sense that it should be so difficult. I’ve heard about tons of engagements of those younger than I am. Hashem has a time for everything and some people have to wait longer to find their shidduch than others. Why should I feel anything but happiness if my younger sibling doesn’t have to wait as long as I do? It doesn’t bother me that my sister’s friend is engaged and getting married before me. I knew that it was likely that one of her friends could get married before I did when she came home from seminary a few months ago and I was still single. But somehow the idea of my sister and not some random other person hits closer to home, it is more personal. This is someone who I’ve known since the second she was born, and have always just assumed that I would get married first. The difficulty is not only in the sudden need to reject my previous expectations, but to watch someone so close to me reach a stage of life that I long to reach myself, yet always found unobtainable.
Questions for the readers: Do any of you have younger siblings who got married before you? If so, how did you deal with this? If you have a younger sibling who is not married- would you be OK with them getting married first or would it be painful? Thoughts?
Lately I seem to be hearing more and more about younger siblings who get married before their older siblings. I even heard about a support group for singles whose younger siblings are getting married. If the younger sibling is only one or two years younger than you, then I don’t think it’s quite as big a deal, but if your younger sibling is three or more years younger than you, then I would imagine that it would be really difficult. Whenever I hear of someone getting engaged and I know they have an older sibling who is not yet married, right after I think “Mazel Tov” I cringe and think, “Oy, I feel bad for them.” And I know, no singles want pity, the worst thing in the world is to be looked at as a nebach, as in “I’m so sorry, I feel so bad for you.” But I can’t help feeling that way, I can’t help feeling that they must be in some kind of pain. I put myself in their shoes and all I can feel is “Ouch. That has got to hurt.”
I never really thought about the possibility of my sister getting married before I did because she is so much younger and I always assumed I’d be married long before she even started dating. In fact, I still hope that to be the case, since unlike Bad4’s sister, I don’t believe my sister intends to start dating for another year or two. So I have a little while before I need to really worry about this, and I hope that I won’t have to. But in all honestly, if I’m not married in two years and my sister wants to start dating, it will probably be very hard for me. I will of course tell her to start dating, and I would never want to hold her back, but I can’t picture attending her wedding while I am still single, with everyone glancing nervously over at me, wondering how I’m holding up. The very thought of that possibility is painful. I definitely don’t understand how those who have more than one younger sibling married before them handle it.
When I step back and try to think about this from an objective standpoint, it really makes no sense that it should be so difficult. I’ve heard about tons of engagements of those younger than I am. Hashem has a time for everything and some people have to wait longer to find their shidduch than others. Why should I feel anything but happiness if my younger sibling doesn’t have to wait as long as I do? It doesn’t bother me that my sister’s friend is engaged and getting married before me. I knew that it was likely that one of her friends could get married before I did when she came home from seminary a few months ago and I was still single. But somehow the idea of my sister and not some random other person hits closer to home, it is more personal. This is someone who I’ve known since the second she was born, and have always just assumed that I would get married first. The difficulty is not only in the sudden need to reject my previous expectations, but to watch someone so close to me reach a stage of life that I long to reach myself, yet always found unobtainable.
Questions for the readers: Do any of you have younger siblings who got married before you? If so, how did you deal with this? If you have a younger sibling who is not married- would you be OK with them getting married first or would it be painful? Thoughts?
Monday, September 20, 2010
Letter to my Bad Day
I wrote this a little while ago, and I think for the most part it worked.
To my Bad Day:
You might be strong, but I am stronger. You might try to push me down, but I will get back up again. You might send people my way who hurt me, who insult me, who speak to me in ways that I would never even imagine speaking to anyone. You can challenge me time and time again, hitting me when I least expect it, at the worst time. But like a tennis player, holding the racket waiting to hit the ball, like a baseball player holding the bat, ready to swing, I am ready to tackle whatever you throw my way. I know that Hashem is right there with me helping me, and my Yetzer HaTov is cheering in the bleechers, shouting, “Yay! You can do it!” as I respond calmly instead of angrily, dignified instead of frustrated.
You can fight me, but I’ll fight back. You might try to break me like glass shattering into thousands of pieces, or tear me apart like a secret document going through a paper shredder, but I will bend like chewing gum as far as it takes, and I will super glue myself together should you begin to cut through me. I will throw up my parachute, should you try to push me off your plane, and I will swim to the lifeboat if you throw me off your ship. I will not let the strong waters of your storm drown me, and I will not let your nasty winds toss me away like a tumbling feather. I will climb every mountain that you put in front of me, even if it takes every ounce of strength from my body.
And if you do begin to reach me, and slowly take me down before I’ve even realized you’ve come, if I find myself caught in the web of your trap or fallen in the deep hole of your barren desert, I will call out for help, and G-d will lift me up. He will throw me a rope to escape your pit, and carefully cut through the ropes of your trap. He will release me and rescue me, for even when I have failed to utlize the strength that He gave me, G-d still has mercy and will gently encourage me. He will send me the magical people who appear at just the right moment, with just the tools that I need. G-d will send helicopters to all corners of the earth, expert mountain-climbers to guide me, and friends to keep me company, even if they are just as helpless. He will send the sun to warm me and show me the way, and clear a path for me to walk on.
So, Bad Day, don’t think that you will win, because you won’t. Any battle that you think you’ve won, is only temporary, because I will win the war. Even if you put all odds against me, I will beat them and I will make it through. You can go home now, shame-faced and unaccomplished. For it will not be me that you inflict today.
Just remember this the next time you come to face me.
I hope never to see you again.
SternGrad
To my Bad Day:
You might be strong, but I am stronger. You might try to push me down, but I will get back up again. You might send people my way who hurt me, who insult me, who speak to me in ways that I would never even imagine speaking to anyone. You can challenge me time and time again, hitting me when I least expect it, at the worst time. But like a tennis player, holding the racket waiting to hit the ball, like a baseball player holding the bat, ready to swing, I am ready to tackle whatever you throw my way. I know that Hashem is right there with me helping me, and my Yetzer HaTov is cheering in the bleechers, shouting, “Yay! You can do it!” as I respond calmly instead of angrily, dignified instead of frustrated.
You can fight me, but I’ll fight back. You might try to break me like glass shattering into thousands of pieces, or tear me apart like a secret document going through a paper shredder, but I will bend like chewing gum as far as it takes, and I will super glue myself together should you begin to cut through me. I will throw up my parachute, should you try to push me off your plane, and I will swim to the lifeboat if you throw me off your ship. I will not let the strong waters of your storm drown me, and I will not let your nasty winds toss me away like a tumbling feather. I will climb every mountain that you put in front of me, even if it takes every ounce of strength from my body.
And if you do begin to reach me, and slowly take me down before I’ve even realized you’ve come, if I find myself caught in the web of your trap or fallen in the deep hole of your barren desert, I will call out for help, and G-d will lift me up. He will throw me a rope to escape your pit, and carefully cut through the ropes of your trap. He will release me and rescue me, for even when I have failed to utlize the strength that He gave me, G-d still has mercy and will gently encourage me. He will send me the magical people who appear at just the right moment, with just the tools that I need. G-d will send helicopters to all corners of the earth, expert mountain-climbers to guide me, and friends to keep me company, even if they are just as helpless. He will send the sun to warm me and show me the way, and clear a path for me to walk on.
So, Bad Day, don’t think that you will win, because you won’t. Any battle that you think you’ve won, is only temporary, because I will win the war. Even if you put all odds against me, I will beat them and I will make it through. You can go home now, shame-faced and unaccomplished. For it will not be me that you inflict today.
Just remember this the next time you come to face me.
I hope never to see you again.
SternGrad
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
What does it mean to forgive?
I guess the topic of forgiveness is on everyone's minds as Yom Kippur approaches. I was in the middle of this post when I saw Bored Jewish Guy's post about forgiveness and dating.
What does it mean to forgive someone? This is a question I’ve tried to figure out the answer to for a while. I know what it means when Hashem forgives- it means that he wipes away our sins as though they never happened, or if we don’t deserve that, the lower level is that he doesn’t punish us. But what does it mean for us, human beings, to forgive one another? Does it mean we forget the past and pretend like it never happened? Every year before Yom Kippur we go through the typical route of asking everyone we’re close with, “Are you mochel me?” or “Do you forgive me if I did anything wrong to you this past year?” And people ask us this question. We each respond with a hearty, “Of course!” and exclaim that we can’t think of anything anyway that the person did wrong. Has anyone ever asked you for forgiveness for a specific incident? No one has ever approached me right before Yom Kippur. Right after a particular situation they have, but right before Yom Kippur not really. Let me explain why I have been thinking so much about this question.
A number of years ago, a friend of mine did something that I found to be very hurtful. The problem is that she actually thought she was doing something that was really nice. So I couldn’t tell her that it upset me, because it would have made her very upset to hear that what they thought was a nice deed was not only not appreciated, but in fact caused me to be sad. Yet, to this day, when I think about that event, I am hurt by it. This person has no clue that she did something wrong, so she cannot ask for forgiveness. I would never tell her that she did something wrong, since that would cause her much anguish, and that would be an aveira on my part. I know I need to forgive her. But what does forgiveness mean?
To this day, I am still very good friends with this girl. My behavior towards her is as friendly as always, the same way I relate to all my friends. Aside from this small incident, I hold no negative feelings towards her, and immediately after the incident I was never even cold to her, as I wanted to mask how I was feeling. My question is: Does that mean I have forgiven her? I held on to my negative feelings for a while after the event, but after a while I let them go. But I still feel hurt when thinking about what happened. She also never expressed remorse over the incident, because she never knew that she did anything wrong.
It's been a number of years since then, and I think at this point I can truly say I have forgiven her. But let's go back to a few months after the occurrence. I was still mad at her about it, yet I was also still friends with her and was doing my best to put it behind me and move on. At that moment in time, would you say that I have forgiven her?
Food for thought: Does forgiving mean forgetting? Can you hold on to negative feelings while simultaneously having a positive relationship with that person? Does forgiveness mean letting go completely or is it OK as long as your actions and behavior does not show your true feelings?
I wish you all a Gmar Chatima Tova, may we all be inscribed in the book of life. May we be zoche to be forgiven by Hashem and the people who we have sinned against, and may we have the inner strength to forgive all of those who wronged us.
What does it mean to forgive someone? This is a question I’ve tried to figure out the answer to for a while. I know what it means when Hashem forgives- it means that he wipes away our sins as though they never happened, or if we don’t deserve that, the lower level is that he doesn’t punish us. But what does it mean for us, human beings, to forgive one another? Does it mean we forget the past and pretend like it never happened? Every year before Yom Kippur we go through the typical route of asking everyone we’re close with, “Are you mochel me?” or “Do you forgive me if I did anything wrong to you this past year?” And people ask us this question. We each respond with a hearty, “Of course!” and exclaim that we can’t think of anything anyway that the person did wrong. Has anyone ever asked you for forgiveness for a specific incident? No one has ever approached me right before Yom Kippur. Right after a particular situation they have, but right before Yom Kippur not really. Let me explain why I have been thinking so much about this question.
A number of years ago, a friend of mine did something that I found to be very hurtful. The problem is that she actually thought she was doing something that was really nice. So I couldn’t tell her that it upset me, because it would have made her very upset to hear that what they thought was a nice deed was not only not appreciated, but in fact caused me to be sad. Yet, to this day, when I think about that event, I am hurt by it. This person has no clue that she did something wrong, so she cannot ask for forgiveness. I would never tell her that she did something wrong, since that would cause her much anguish, and that would be an aveira on my part. I know I need to forgive her. But what does forgiveness mean?
To this day, I am still very good friends with this girl. My behavior towards her is as friendly as always, the same way I relate to all my friends. Aside from this small incident, I hold no negative feelings towards her, and immediately after the incident I was never even cold to her, as I wanted to mask how I was feeling. My question is: Does that mean I have forgiven her? I held on to my negative feelings for a while after the event, but after a while I let them go. But I still feel hurt when thinking about what happened. She also never expressed remorse over the incident, because she never knew that she did anything wrong.
It's been a number of years since then, and I think at this point I can truly say I have forgiven her. But let's go back to a few months after the occurrence. I was still mad at her about it, yet I was also still friends with her and was doing my best to put it behind me and move on. At that moment in time, would you say that I have forgiven her?
Food for thought: Does forgiving mean forgetting? Can you hold on to negative feelings while simultaneously having a positive relationship with that person? Does forgiveness mean letting go completely or is it OK as long as your actions and behavior does not show your true feelings?
I wish you all a Gmar Chatima Tova, may we all be inscribed in the book of life. May we be zoche to be forgiven by Hashem and the people who we have sinned against, and may we have the inner strength to forgive all of those who wronged us.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Two Directions
Every year Rosh Hashana seems to sneak up on me, despite the fact that Rosh Chodesh Elul gives plenty of advance notice to give me the nudge that this holy time is coming up. So with Rosh Hashana just around the corner, and selichot starting on Motzei Shabbos, I finally feel the urgency of introspection. The idea that comes to mind at the moment is the phrase many of our parents told us when we were children when we began to adventure passed the safe walls of our home and out into the world, and that is, “Look both ways before you cross the street.”
Rosh Hashana involves looking in two directions: The past and the future. I always start by looking at the past year. Where was I last Rosh Hashana? I don’t mean physically, though that is always a good starting point to recall my thoughts, I mean what was my mental, emotional and most importantly spiritual state last year at this time? What goals did I set for myself? How have I lived up to those goals? What are my accomplishments? In what ways did I fail and in what ways did I succeed? The main question that I always ask is “Where did I hope to be this year and how close am I to being in that place?” I attempt to identify the main obstacles to my spiritual growth and the biggest downfalls in my Avodas Hashem in the past year. But that’s only one direction.
I also look to next year and ask: Where do I hope to be next year at this time? I am filled with hopes of where this next year will take me. Not only am I faced with the unknown of what life will throw my way, but what I can do to create this next year what I want it to be. The end result may be up to Hashem, beyond my control, but what can I do to try my best to make this year everything that I want it to be?
When I think about where I was Rosh Hashana last year, aside from remembering how I hoped to be married this year, I see all the things that happened that I was so unprepared for. I see the things that I handled well, and the ones that I did not deal with quite as nicely, but that I learned from. I’m in a place that I never thought I’d be in, mostly in a good way. Usually on Rosh Hashana I end up with the same list of the same things that I’m always trying to work on. I picked a few things to focus on last year, and ironically, I ended up making greater strides in the areas that I chose not to focus on because I thought that they would be too hard and so I should focus on other things. Sometimes I surprise myself.
This year has been a good one spiritually for me. After leaving the “bubble” of Stern College, I found that there are two ways to react to a new environment. One is the unfortunate path that I found some of my friends have been swept into, to follow your environment and go with the flow. For myself I found that my reaction to being pushed out of my comfort zone was to push back and take on more things to fight the push away from G-d. When I was in Stern, surrounded by Torah, it was so easy to have Judaism on my mind, but ironically, I have found that since I’ve left, the fact that it has been harder for me to focus on the spiritual has in fact made me struggle more and in the end I have been more successful. This past year has actually been a pretty decent one spiritually, Baruch Hashem.
When I look towards next Rosh Hashana, it seems so far away, but I see two different images. I see the ideal, perfect place that I long to reach with all my soul, the place that makes me sad just thinking about it because it is so far away. But I also see the place that’s closer, that’s reachable, and that is realistic. For now, I know that I just need to get there next year, even though it’s not the place that I want to be.
The Yamim Noraim are a two sided coin. There is that feeling of regret and guilt and being stuck in a deep, deep pit that seems to have no end. That our sins have taken us to a place we cannot escape and we have no one to blame but ourselves. Yet there is also that feeling of hope, of Teshuva, that no matter how bottomless that pit might seem, Hashem has given us that ability to climb out of it. He is there to take our hand and pull us up. Maybe we have fallen, but this is our chance to rise! We can do it- it’s not too far away. There is that anguish that our actions have taken us so far away from G-d, but there is that aspiration to come back, to return to G-d. We try to come out of this time period with renewed our faith in ourselves, that we can break habits that seem so resistant and transform who we are, and renewed faith in G-d, who gave us that ability to change.
As we approach Rosh Hashana, Aseret Yimei Teshuva and Yom Kippur, I wish you all a meaningful and spiritually uplifting Yamim Noraim, and hope that your Tefillot are as passionate as you want them to be, that all of your requests are answered for the good, and that this year is a good, happy, and healthy one!
Shana Tova.
Rosh Hashana involves looking in two directions: The past and the future. I always start by looking at the past year. Where was I last Rosh Hashana? I don’t mean physically, though that is always a good starting point to recall my thoughts, I mean what was my mental, emotional and most importantly spiritual state last year at this time? What goals did I set for myself? How have I lived up to those goals? What are my accomplishments? In what ways did I fail and in what ways did I succeed? The main question that I always ask is “Where did I hope to be this year and how close am I to being in that place?” I attempt to identify the main obstacles to my spiritual growth and the biggest downfalls in my Avodas Hashem in the past year. But that’s only one direction.
I also look to next year and ask: Where do I hope to be next year at this time? I am filled with hopes of where this next year will take me. Not only am I faced with the unknown of what life will throw my way, but what I can do to create this next year what I want it to be. The end result may be up to Hashem, beyond my control, but what can I do to try my best to make this year everything that I want it to be?
When I think about where I was Rosh Hashana last year, aside from remembering how I hoped to be married this year, I see all the things that happened that I was so unprepared for. I see the things that I handled well, and the ones that I did not deal with quite as nicely, but that I learned from. I’m in a place that I never thought I’d be in, mostly in a good way. Usually on Rosh Hashana I end up with the same list of the same things that I’m always trying to work on. I picked a few things to focus on last year, and ironically, I ended up making greater strides in the areas that I chose not to focus on because I thought that they would be too hard and so I should focus on other things. Sometimes I surprise myself.
This year has been a good one spiritually for me. After leaving the “bubble” of Stern College, I found that there are two ways to react to a new environment. One is the unfortunate path that I found some of my friends have been swept into, to follow your environment and go with the flow. For myself I found that my reaction to being pushed out of my comfort zone was to push back and take on more things to fight the push away from G-d. When I was in Stern, surrounded by Torah, it was so easy to have Judaism on my mind, but ironically, I have found that since I’ve left, the fact that it has been harder for me to focus on the spiritual has in fact made me struggle more and in the end I have been more successful. This past year has actually been a pretty decent one spiritually, Baruch Hashem.
When I look towards next Rosh Hashana, it seems so far away, but I see two different images. I see the ideal, perfect place that I long to reach with all my soul, the place that makes me sad just thinking about it because it is so far away. But I also see the place that’s closer, that’s reachable, and that is realistic. For now, I know that I just need to get there next year, even though it’s not the place that I want to be.
The Yamim Noraim are a two sided coin. There is that feeling of regret and guilt and being stuck in a deep, deep pit that seems to have no end. That our sins have taken us to a place we cannot escape and we have no one to blame but ourselves. Yet there is also that feeling of hope, of Teshuva, that no matter how bottomless that pit might seem, Hashem has given us that ability to climb out of it. He is there to take our hand and pull us up. Maybe we have fallen, but this is our chance to rise! We can do it- it’s not too far away. There is that anguish that our actions have taken us so far away from G-d, but there is that aspiration to come back, to return to G-d. We try to come out of this time period with renewed our faith in ourselves, that we can break habits that seem so resistant and transform who we are, and renewed faith in G-d, who gave us that ability to change.
As we approach Rosh Hashana, Aseret Yimei Teshuva and Yom Kippur, I wish you all a meaningful and spiritually uplifting Yamim Noraim, and hope that your Tefillot are as passionate as you want them to be, that all of your requests are answered for the good, and that this year is a good, happy, and healthy one!
Shana Tova.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Ups and Downs
Lately, it feels like life is one big obstacle course. Everywhere I turn there is another obstacle in my way, and as soon as I gather the strength to approach with full force and I manage to conquer one challenge, it seems that within the blink of an eye another obstacle is in my way, and this time it is even bigger. The truth is that this feeling that life is a constant challenge isn’t something I’ve only felt recently, that’s just how life is, despite the fact that we seem to be born with the misconception that life should just be smooth sailing. Having said that, however, I can think of times when my life was just happy and good and didn’t feel like a constant struggle, and some of those times weren’t that long ago at all. This summer, though, has been filled with an unusual share of bad days and consequently, bad moods. I find it so appropriate and applicable to my life that we started adding Tehillim 27 in Elul, which mentions “Yom Ra’ah,” a bad day.
Do you want to know the best part of having bad mood? (Yup, I did just say the best part, there is actually something good about it.) It’s what comes after the bad mood- the super good mood. Maybe this is just me, but often when I’m in a really bad mood it seems like the world is going to end and there’s no way out, like being trapped in an elevator. Just for a second it feels like it’s never going to get better, no matter how much I remind myself that life moves on. But once the bad mood fades, (and even though sometimes it takes forever, it always does go away) it’s amazing! All the sudden things seem wonderful again. The feeling of working through a problem, over overcoming a difficulty, is one of the most uplifting feelings. When a difficult situation is turned around, whether because I worked hard to do that, or if it magically works out on its own, the result is an emotional high that is unbelievable.
The interesting thing is that the deeper the bad mood, the lower the low point, the more intense the good mood is and the higher the high point is. I think it’s because the spiritual world and the physical world are complete opposites. Picture a roller coaster, for example. It needs to go very high up in order to come crashing down. The higher the roller coaster goes, the more drastic the drop is. Or even just think about gravity. The higher you lift something up, the longer a fall it will be. Bad moods are just the opposite. The lower down you go, the larger the potential to be lifted up. It’s like a reverse roller coaster. Momentum builds up as you sink, and then you go shooting up. Good moods defy gravity. You sink lower and lower and lower until you reach the bottom and go soaring up.
What’s amazing is my inability to learn this. Each time I’m in a bad mood I forget that it will fade and will be replaced with joy. I forget that the thunder and lighting will stop, that the rain will stop, and that the sun will come sneaking out of the clouds. That as bad as things might seem, they can almost always be fixed and there is a way to make it all better. And even if there’s not, there is a way to accept it and move on. The main thing is to start by accepting the fact that life will always have obstacles and challenges, and that is just how it is so you better learn to deal with them. There will always be something that tries to break me, but I have to remember that I’m strong enough to deal with anything G-d sends my way. That’s why Tehillim 27 ends with “Kaveh El Hashem, Chazak V’Yaametz Libecha, V’Kaveh El Hashem.” You start by longing for Hashem, but inevitably *something* will bring you down, and so the posuk doesn’t say “hope to Hashem,” it tell us to hope for Hashem, and then strengthen ourselves. Because something is bound to try to break us down, but we have to hold on and be strong in our hearts, and then go at it again full force ahead.
Do you want to know the best part of having bad mood? (Yup, I did just say the best part, there is actually something good about it.) It’s what comes after the bad mood- the super good mood. Maybe this is just me, but often when I’m in a really bad mood it seems like the world is going to end and there’s no way out, like being trapped in an elevator. Just for a second it feels like it’s never going to get better, no matter how much I remind myself that life moves on. But once the bad mood fades, (and even though sometimes it takes forever, it always does go away) it’s amazing! All the sudden things seem wonderful again. The feeling of working through a problem, over overcoming a difficulty, is one of the most uplifting feelings. When a difficult situation is turned around, whether because I worked hard to do that, or if it magically works out on its own, the result is an emotional high that is unbelievable.
The interesting thing is that the deeper the bad mood, the lower the low point, the more intense the good mood is and the higher the high point is. I think it’s because the spiritual world and the physical world are complete opposites. Picture a roller coaster, for example. It needs to go very high up in order to come crashing down. The higher the roller coaster goes, the more drastic the drop is. Or even just think about gravity. The higher you lift something up, the longer a fall it will be. Bad moods are just the opposite. The lower down you go, the larger the potential to be lifted up. It’s like a reverse roller coaster. Momentum builds up as you sink, and then you go shooting up. Good moods defy gravity. You sink lower and lower and lower until you reach the bottom and go soaring up.
What’s amazing is my inability to learn this. Each time I’m in a bad mood I forget that it will fade and will be replaced with joy. I forget that the thunder and lighting will stop, that the rain will stop, and that the sun will come sneaking out of the clouds. That as bad as things might seem, they can almost always be fixed and there is a way to make it all better. And even if there’s not, there is a way to accept it and move on. The main thing is to start by accepting the fact that life will always have obstacles and challenges, and that is just how it is so you better learn to deal with them. There will always be something that tries to break me, but I have to remember that I’m strong enough to deal with anything G-d sends my way. That’s why Tehillim 27 ends with “Kaveh El Hashem, Chazak V’Yaametz Libecha, V’Kaveh El Hashem.” You start by longing for Hashem, but inevitably *something* will bring you down, and so the posuk doesn’t say “hope to Hashem,” it tell us to hope for Hashem, and then strengthen ourselves. Because something is bound to try to break us down, but we have to hold on and be strong in our hearts, and then go at it again full force ahead.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Prayer
A while ago I purchased a small book of Tefillot that deeply affected me called "The Gentle Weapon," which has beautiful prayers complied from the teachings of Rebbe Nachman of Breslov. I wanted to share two of the amazing prayers with you that are in this book, one is about life, and the other is for others to find their a soul mate.
Learning Life's Lessons
Dear G-d,
Let my heart grasp
the profound wisdom
with which you created the world.
Help me understand
that life's difficulties
are in fact her opportunities;
life's endings
are also her beginnings;
life's disappointments
are her finest teachers.
A Soul Mate
O loving G-d,
so many in Your world
live without
true love,
so many
cannot find
their soul mate.
Have mercy on them.
O Source of all love,
let every lonely and incomplete soul
know the wholeness of being
that comes
when one finds
one's true love.
Learning Life's Lessons
Dear G-d,
Let my heart grasp
the profound wisdom
with which you created the world.
Help me understand
that life's difficulties
are in fact her opportunities;
life's endings
are also her beginnings;
life's disappointments
are her finest teachers.
A Soul Mate
O loving G-d,
so many in Your world
live without
true love,
so many
cannot find
their soul mate.
Have mercy on them.
O Source of all love,
let every lonely and incomplete soul
know the wholeness of being
that comes
when one finds
one's true love.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Poem: Moving on
This is a poem that I wrote a long time ago (over a year ago). It is actually not about shidduchim at all, (believe it or not) but with a number of shidduch bloggers recently announcing their engagement (Mazel Tov!! Baruch Hashem!), I read Bad4's post about "Not Catching the Wave" and it reminded me of how I was feeling at the time that I wrote this poem. Before I post this, I would like to say that I am so happy to hear of bloggers getting engaged! Sometimes I get jealous when I hear of people getting engaged, and that's natural, but usually it is a fleeting thought and then all I can think is "Baruch Hashem! Thank G-d that Hashem answered someone's Tefillot, thank G-d that everything is how it should be." They say that misery loves company, but I would much rather prefer that no one else is miserable! If something is difficult for me, then I will deal with it, but watching others go through the same difficulties just makes it worse. *Phew,* at least someone is engaged. So it wasn't me? Big deal! Better than none of us getting engaged. It will happen at the right time, and since Hashem runs the world, obviously now is not the right time, so it's a good thing I'm not engaged yet. Good thing Hashem's got it all covered.
Anyway, even though this poem is not at all about shidduchim, I am posting the poem because it is related a bit- it is about feeling left behind and the struggle to figure out how I fit in the world. Have you ever felt like the world is rushing rushing rushing and you are stuck like a statue watching it all happen around you helplessly? That's what this is about. There have been times, and I'm sure there will be times in the future, because that is life, when I have felt alone or left out. I used to think that some people never, ever feel that way because their life is perfect and they probably never felt this, but I have come to the conclusion that if those people who have never felt lonely or alone exist, they are very hard to find.
In any case, we can't help feeling the way we feel, so we might as well express it, and then post it on our blogs :) With that nice introduction, here is the poem:
Everyone’s moving, forward,
While I am here,
Everyone’s shining, brighter,
While I disappear,
The world is spinning, soaring,
While I am still,
The world has reached the top,
While I am stuck,
At the bottom of the hill.
Everyone’s talking, loudly,
While my voice is low,
Everyone’s confident, certain,
While I don’t know.
The world is going, coming,
While I am left behind,
The world is content at peace,
While I’m confused,
Cannot make up my mind.
Everyone’s trying, suceeding,
While I seem to fail,
Everyone’s leading, proudly,
While my ship won’t sail.
The world is laughing gladly,
While I start to cry,
The world receives its welcome,
While my door’s closed,
And access is denied.
Everyone’s busy, active,
While my accomplishments are few,
Everyone’s changing, transforming,
While I’m not someone new.
The world is ending, closing,
While I just sigh,
The world is driving away,
While I stand scared,
Afraid to say goodbye.
Anyway, even though this poem is not at all about shidduchim, I am posting the poem because it is related a bit- it is about feeling left behind and the struggle to figure out how I fit in the world. Have you ever felt like the world is rushing rushing rushing and you are stuck like a statue watching it all happen around you helplessly? That's what this is about. There have been times, and I'm sure there will be times in the future, because that is life, when I have felt alone or left out. I used to think that some people never, ever feel that way because their life is perfect and they probably never felt this, but I have come to the conclusion that if those people who have never felt lonely or alone exist, they are very hard to find.
In any case, we can't help feeling the way we feel, so we might as well express it, and then post it on our blogs :) With that nice introduction, here is the poem:
Everyone’s moving, forward,
While I am here,
Everyone’s shining, brighter,
While I disappear,
The world is spinning, soaring,
While I am still,
The world has reached the top,
While I am stuck,
At the bottom of the hill.
Everyone’s talking, loudly,
While my voice is low,
Everyone’s confident, certain,
While I don’t know.
The world is going, coming,
While I am left behind,
The world is content at peace,
While I’m confused,
Cannot make up my mind.
Everyone’s trying, suceeding,
While I seem to fail,
Everyone’s leading, proudly,
While my ship won’t sail.
The world is laughing gladly,
While I start to cry,
The world receives its welcome,
While my door’s closed,
And access is denied.
Everyone’s busy, active,
While my accomplishments are few,
Everyone’s changing, transforming,
While I’m not someone new.
The world is ending, closing,
While I just sigh,
The world is driving away,
While I stand scared,
Afraid to say goodbye.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
A Tefillah
Dear Hashem,
I know that I’ve been having a difficult time davening to you lately. Trying to have proper kavana while saying the same Hebrew words every day is often challenging, but this time my struggle is more philosophical. As you know, I’ve been asking you to help me find a spouse, my bashert, someone to spend the rest of my life with. Yet as I make this request, I can’t help but thinking of all of the people who are older than me who have been dating for so much longer than I have. They have been pouring out their hearts to you and davening to you for much longer than I have. Their prayers are greater than mine, both in quantity and quality; they are intense and numerous.
Why haven’t you answered their Tefillot and given them what they have asked for time and time again, day after day, for years? So why should I expect you to answer me? Or more like how can I have the audacity to approach you and make the same request as them and expect you to answer me, but not them? I’m not special, I don’t deserve special treatment. Why should you to answer me, but not them? What have I done to make me better or to make my Tefillot better? Nothing! Even if I dug deep to pull my deepest emotions and cried and poured out my soul, it will never match years of tears and Tefillot. So why should I ask for this if I don’t think it’s fair for you to answer me first?
Yes, I can daven for them, and I do that. On the one hand I hope that you answer their Tefillot first, yet on the other hand I do not want to wait around for each and every older (or not so much older) single to get married before I find the right person to marry. And in terms of the effectiveness of my Tefillot, yes, every person is different, so maybe something is right for me and not them, and I should do my part and daven and let you decide what is right for each person. But I can’t help thinking- how could you answer me and not them? So how can I ask you to help me find a husband?
Yet on the other hand, how can I not turn to you, Hashem, the source of all blessing in this world, who is all-powerful? How can I not turn to you for something that I want so badly and long for so much? Hashem, I always learned that I should share everything that is in my heart with you. That I should ask you for everything, no matter how small. Two ways of building a relationship with someone are communication and opening up to them, and these are both goals of Tefillah. So I will continue to struggle, even though I don't understand why you haven't answered them, and I don't know why you should answer me over them. I will continue to daven to you, and ask you for one of the things that I want the most in life.
Thank you for listening, even when the answer is “not yet.”
SternGrad
I know that I’ve been having a difficult time davening to you lately. Trying to have proper kavana while saying the same Hebrew words every day is often challenging, but this time my struggle is more philosophical. As you know, I’ve been asking you to help me find a spouse, my bashert, someone to spend the rest of my life with. Yet as I make this request, I can’t help but thinking of all of the people who are older than me who have been dating for so much longer than I have. They have been pouring out their hearts to you and davening to you for much longer than I have. Their prayers are greater than mine, both in quantity and quality; they are intense and numerous.
Why haven’t you answered their Tefillot and given them what they have asked for time and time again, day after day, for years? So why should I expect you to answer me? Or more like how can I have the audacity to approach you and make the same request as them and expect you to answer me, but not them? I’m not special, I don’t deserve special treatment. Why should you to answer me, but not them? What have I done to make me better or to make my Tefillot better? Nothing! Even if I dug deep to pull my deepest emotions and cried and poured out my soul, it will never match years of tears and Tefillot. So why should I ask for this if I don’t think it’s fair for you to answer me first?
Yes, I can daven for them, and I do that. On the one hand I hope that you answer their Tefillot first, yet on the other hand I do not want to wait around for each and every older (or not so much older) single to get married before I find the right person to marry. And in terms of the effectiveness of my Tefillot, yes, every person is different, so maybe something is right for me and not them, and I should do my part and daven and let you decide what is right for each person. But I can’t help thinking- how could you answer me and not them? So how can I ask you to help me find a husband?
Yet on the other hand, how can I not turn to you, Hashem, the source of all blessing in this world, who is all-powerful? How can I not turn to you for something that I want so badly and long for so much? Hashem, I always learned that I should share everything that is in my heart with you. That I should ask you for everything, no matter how small. Two ways of building a relationship with someone are communication and opening up to them, and these are both goals of Tefillah. So I will continue to struggle, even though I don't understand why you haven't answered them, and I don't know why you should answer me over them. I will continue to daven to you, and ask you for one of the things that I want the most in life.
Thank you for listening, even when the answer is “not yet.”
SternGrad
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Question: What did you expect?
Expectations play a big role in how we react to the world around us. For example, if you are waiting for a bus that is supposed to come once every 10 minutes, then you might expect to be waiting for that bus for around 10 minutes, because when you show up to the stop there is a chance you might have just missed it. So if you are waiting at the bus stop for 20 minutes, then you will be disappointed, because you weren't expecting to have to wait that long. But if the bus comes right after you show up, then you are thrilled, because you were expecting that you might have to wait at least 5 minutes or so. If you were waiting for a bus that only comes every 20 minutes, however, then waiting for 20 minutes will not upset you, because you expected that as a possibility.
In some ways the key to being happy is to lower your expectations. An example I heard in a shiur once is let's say it's your birthday, and you and your group of friends have a minhag that for everyone's birthday you go out for pizza. If for your birthday, they just show up with a card, you'll be upset- where's the pizza? But if your minhag is that you don't really do anything for anyone's birthday, then if they surprise you with pizza, then you're really happy. Basically, if you don't expect anything out of life, then any good thing that does happen to you will make you happy because you weren't expecting it. If you expect life to be perfect, then whenever it's not going your way, you'll get upset.
Where am I going with this? Here is my question that I'm putting out there to everyone- single/married/dating/not dating etc.: How long do you/did you expect to be dating before you found the right person? Let me explain what I mean by dating. Presumably there was a point in your life when you decided "OK, I'm ready to get married, I'm ready to start dating to find a spouse." There was some time when you announced, "Ok I'm in the parsha!" When you started actively trying to find a spouse, whatever measures that entailed for you personally, when you took started letting people know that they should set you up if they knew someone. Maybe you had just graduated high school or just got back from seminary/yeshiva in Israel, or perhaps it was a number of years later. Whether you were 18 or 25 or anything in between, from that general point in time, how long did you think it would take you to find your bashert?
I never expected to marry the first person I dated. How many people marry the first person they date? I have a few friends who did, but that is not the majority. So when I went out with the first guy who I dated, and he wasn't my bashert, I wasn't disappointed, since I didn't expect to find my bashert right away. I also never expected to find my a spouse in the first year I started dating. I figured a year or two was normal to be dating. I guess it was after I hit the two year mark that I started to be like, "hmmm, this is taking a bit longer than I expected." And it hasn't been that much more than 2 years. I think if you had asked me for the longest number of years I thought I would be dating back when I first started, I would have said 5 at most, and I'm still under that number. But I know people who have been dating for 5, 6, 7, years, or even more than that.
This also relates to my post about pressure, but I feel like it would be better if I didn't have this perception that dating for longer than 2 years is a long time. It's not really that long, when I think about it and compare it to people dating so much longer. Why did I have this expectation that I would just find my bashert and there would be challenge involved? In other areas of life I have learned to always expect challenges- that's how life is, and I love growing from challenges. I wish I could go back in time to before I started dating and change my expectations, so that I wouldn't expect to be married by a certain age, by a certain point in my life, or after a certain period of time. I had certain expectations about those three. I still haven't turned the age that I expected to be married by, but I have passed the certain point in my life that I thought I'd by married by, and the certain period of time that I thought I'd be dating.
And it's not that I'm unhappy, I don't want you do get that impression. It's hard to read my posts from an objective standpoint, but my feelings towards dating aren't completely negative. Dating is frustrating and not what I expected, but overall I am lucky to have mostly a positive overall experience. There are definitely others who have much more of a right to complain than I do. But there are times when I find the stage of shidduchim frustrating, and I think a lot of people do. I just wonder if I apply my formula for happiness of "lower your expectations" if it would be less frustrating.
So, now that I went on a tangent on my thoughts, let me get back to my original question, since I'm wondering if I'm the only one with unrealistic expectations: If you're not engaged/married yet: How long do expect to date? If you're engaged/married- how long did you expect to date and how did real life compare to your expectations?
In some ways the key to being happy is to lower your expectations. An example I heard in a shiur once is let's say it's your birthday, and you and your group of friends have a minhag that for everyone's birthday you go out for pizza. If for your birthday, they just show up with a card, you'll be upset- where's the pizza? But if your minhag is that you don't really do anything for anyone's birthday, then if they surprise you with pizza, then you're really happy. Basically, if you don't expect anything out of life, then any good thing that does happen to you will make you happy because you weren't expecting it. If you expect life to be perfect, then whenever it's not going your way, you'll get upset.
Where am I going with this? Here is my question that I'm putting out there to everyone- single/married/dating/not dating etc.: How long do you/did you expect to be dating before you found the right person? Let me explain what I mean by dating. Presumably there was a point in your life when you decided "OK, I'm ready to get married, I'm ready to start dating to find a spouse." There was some time when you announced, "Ok I'm in the parsha!" When you started actively trying to find a spouse, whatever measures that entailed for you personally, when you took started letting people know that they should set you up if they knew someone. Maybe you had just graduated high school or just got back from seminary/yeshiva in Israel, or perhaps it was a number of years later. Whether you were 18 or 25 or anything in between, from that general point in time, how long did you think it would take you to find your bashert?
I never expected to marry the first person I dated. How many people marry the first person they date? I have a few friends who did, but that is not the majority. So when I went out with the first guy who I dated, and he wasn't my bashert, I wasn't disappointed, since I didn't expect to find my bashert right away. I also never expected to find my a spouse in the first year I started dating. I figured a year or two was normal to be dating. I guess it was after I hit the two year mark that I started to be like, "hmmm, this is taking a bit longer than I expected." And it hasn't been that much more than 2 years. I think if you had asked me for the longest number of years I thought I would be dating back when I first started, I would have said 5 at most, and I'm still under that number. But I know people who have been dating for 5, 6, 7, years, or even more than that.
This also relates to my post about pressure, but I feel like it would be better if I didn't have this perception that dating for longer than 2 years is a long time. It's not really that long, when I think about it and compare it to people dating so much longer. Why did I have this expectation that I would just find my bashert and there would be challenge involved? In other areas of life I have learned to always expect challenges- that's how life is, and I love growing from challenges. I wish I could go back in time to before I started dating and change my expectations, so that I wouldn't expect to be married by a certain age, by a certain point in my life, or after a certain period of time. I had certain expectations about those three. I still haven't turned the age that I expected to be married by, but I have passed the certain point in my life that I thought I'd by married by, and the certain period of time that I thought I'd be dating.
And it's not that I'm unhappy, I don't want you do get that impression. It's hard to read my posts from an objective standpoint, but my feelings towards dating aren't completely negative. Dating is frustrating and not what I expected, but overall I am lucky to have mostly a positive overall experience. There are definitely others who have much more of a right to complain than I do. But there are times when I find the stage of shidduchim frustrating, and I think a lot of people do. I just wonder if I apply my formula for happiness of "lower your expectations" if it would be less frustrating.
So, now that I went on a tangent on my thoughts, let me get back to my original question, since I'm wondering if I'm the only one with unrealistic expectations: If you're not engaged/married yet: How long do expect to date? If you're engaged/married- how long did you expect to date and how did real life compare to your expectations?
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Choices
Do you ever wish that you could go back in time to when you made an important decision and make a different decision? Do you wonder what your life would be like had you chosen to go the other path at that point in time? Usually this is just a theoretical question that one can just dream about and imagine the different possibilities. But there I was. I was face to face with…me. The old me. The “me” who I used to be exactly one year ago. Only, it wasn’t me, it was someone in the exact same position that I was in. So exact that it was scary. So many times I have wondered if I made the right choice, but I never asked myself, “If I could do it over, would I pick this again?” Knowing what I know now, would I still choose what I chose then, or would I have picked something else? Apparently this happens to me a lot.
I looked at this girl, and I felt responsible for her decision. I could tell her exactly where her choice would lead. If I could do it over, would I do it the same way? Suddenly, I needed to know, and not just wonder, because I needed to tell her. Part of me wanted to whisper, “Be stronger than I was, be better than I was, don’t let go of your dreams.” But part of me wanted to tell her, “Don’t take the risk, it’s not worth it, you’ll end up regretting it.” I can’t go back in time, and I will never know what things could have been like. I feel like it’s Hashem sending me a message (if you’ve read this blog enough then by now you know that I think everything is Hashem sending me a message :D). The message is, “You aren’t happy with your choice? Would you really have chosen the other option? Probably not. Therefore, stop blaming yourself, maybe you should just be happy.”
The bottom line is that although this girl’s situation was remarkably similar to mine, so much that it was uncanny, it will never be exactly mine, and I’ll never know how things could have been. And once you’ve made a decision that can’t be made, you can’t look back and waste energy on wondering “what if.” You gotta deal with it and learn for the future. Even though this happened before, and I said “that was me,” this time, it was even closer to me. I didn’t tell her what to do, because I don’t know what I would do if I had to make the decision again. I probably would have made the same choice that I made, even though it might not have been the right choice. I hope that whatever choice she makes, it works out for her for the best and that she doesn’t regret it.
I started this post a while ago, and it’s a good thing I never got around to posting it, because now I can share with you the end of the story. The girl did not make the decision that I made, and when I found out, I was filled with happiness. “Yes!” I thought smiling, “She made the choice that I was too scared to make.” But at the same time, I was also filled with a sense that I made the right choice for me at the time, and she’s not me. I realized that if I could do it over, I would do it the exact same way. And knowing that is a really great feeling. Despite the fact that my decision came with a ton of negative aspects, and that making the same choice involved some of the most difficult times for me, I would suffer those things again if I had to, because you know what? That’s life. No matter what I chose there would be some pain involved. Life is not painless, and as much as we want it to be, we wouldn’t grow without that pain.
Food for thought: Are there any choices that you would decide differently if you could do them over?
I looked at this girl, and I felt responsible for her decision. I could tell her exactly where her choice would lead. If I could do it over, would I do it the same way? Suddenly, I needed to know, and not just wonder, because I needed to tell her. Part of me wanted to whisper, “Be stronger than I was, be better than I was, don’t let go of your dreams.” But part of me wanted to tell her, “Don’t take the risk, it’s not worth it, you’ll end up regretting it.” I can’t go back in time, and I will never know what things could have been like. I feel like it’s Hashem sending me a message (if you’ve read this blog enough then by now you know that I think everything is Hashem sending me a message :D). The message is, “You aren’t happy with your choice? Would you really have chosen the other option? Probably not. Therefore, stop blaming yourself, maybe you should just be happy.”
The bottom line is that although this girl’s situation was remarkably similar to mine, so much that it was uncanny, it will never be exactly mine, and I’ll never know how things could have been. And once you’ve made a decision that can’t be made, you can’t look back and waste energy on wondering “what if.” You gotta deal with it and learn for the future. Even though this happened before, and I said “that was me,” this time, it was even closer to me. I didn’t tell her what to do, because I don’t know what I would do if I had to make the decision again. I probably would have made the same choice that I made, even though it might not have been the right choice. I hope that whatever choice she makes, it works out for her for the best and that she doesn’t regret it.
I started this post a while ago, and it’s a good thing I never got around to posting it, because now I can share with you the end of the story. The girl did not make the decision that I made, and when I found out, I was filled with happiness. “Yes!” I thought smiling, “She made the choice that I was too scared to make.” But at the same time, I was also filled with a sense that I made the right choice for me at the time, and she’s not me. I realized that if I could do it over, I would do it the exact same way. And knowing that is a really great feeling. Despite the fact that my decision came with a ton of negative aspects, and that making the same choice involved some of the most difficult times for me, I would suffer those things again if I had to, because you know what? That’s life. No matter what I chose there would be some pain involved. Life is not painless, and as much as we want it to be, we wouldn’t grow without that pain.
Food for thought: Are there any choices that you would decide differently if you could do them over?
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Things I wish I knew, Part 2
I’d like to add a fourth rule to my three rules of shidduch dating that I wish I knew before I started dating. Rule #4 is luckily not something that is necessarily so difficult for me, but I find myself reiterating it to friends over and over. The list is more of a general “things people should be told before they start dating” that even if we know them, for some reason aren’t laid out.
To review the three previous rules:
1. Don’t get your hopes up.
2. Don’t take rejection personally.
3. Remember that Hashem is the only shadchan.
Rule #4: Don’t compare yourself or your situation to anyone else or their situation. This is true in general in life, but often we need to be particularly reminded of this in dating. On the list of “no one ever told me” is the fact that every single person’s dating experience is different. Everyone has their own struggles, so don’t go wishing you were in someone else’s shoes. Here are a bunch of real life examples. In each case the problem and the opposite problem are just as bad:
There are the daters who always get dumped and always feel that they are the ones being rejected. Then there are the daters who everyone seems to fall in love with and are always the ones doing the dumping. Each time they have to break another heart it pains them; they are kind and despise always hurting people.
There are the daters who constantly find that they are stuck in "droughts", who rarely get set up. Then there are the daters who are overwhelmed with suggestions and would love to have a break every now and then. There are also daters who constantly get set up, but each time it’s completely not shayach and goes nowhere.
There are the daters who are constantly rejected because of their physical appearance, who complain that the more attractive people have it the best, and then there are the super attractive people who are frustrated that the only reason people agree to go out with them is because of their attractiveness. They wonder how many would say yes if they had a different appearance.
There are the daters who watch their younger siblings get married and have children, and there are the daters who watch their younger siblings follow in the same path of difficulties with dating.
There are the daters who date for a very long time before finding the right one, and there are people (who I won’t even call ‘daters’) who happen to meet the right person before they are ready to get married and suffer because they have found the right one and want to get married, but for whatever reason cannot. There are those who marry the first person they date, only to feel like an outcast from their friends and though they’ve gained a spouse, they lose their friends.
The bottom line is that everyone has a different dating experience, and we shouldn’t look at other people’s experience and say, “Hey, why can’t my situation be like that person’s?” That’s not how life goes. That’s not how it goes in any other area of life either. Some people have it easier than others, or at least they appear to. I have yet to meet someone who says, “Dating? Piece of cake! All smooth sailing! Not complicated at all.” People go through different things and deal with it in different ways. And that is perfectly OK.
To review the three previous rules:
1. Don’t get your hopes up.
2. Don’t take rejection personally.
3. Remember that Hashem is the only shadchan.
Rule #4: Don’t compare yourself or your situation to anyone else or their situation. This is true in general in life, but often we need to be particularly reminded of this in dating. On the list of “no one ever told me” is the fact that every single person’s dating experience is different. Everyone has their own struggles, so don’t go wishing you were in someone else’s shoes. Here are a bunch of real life examples. In each case the problem and the opposite problem are just as bad:
There are the daters who always get dumped and always feel that they are the ones being rejected. Then there are the daters who everyone seems to fall in love with and are always the ones doing the dumping. Each time they have to break another heart it pains them; they are kind and despise always hurting people.
There are the daters who constantly find that they are stuck in "droughts", who rarely get set up. Then there are the daters who are overwhelmed with suggestions and would love to have a break every now and then. There are also daters who constantly get set up, but each time it’s completely not shayach and goes nowhere.
There are the daters who are constantly rejected because of their physical appearance, who complain that the more attractive people have it the best, and then there are the super attractive people who are frustrated that the only reason people agree to go out with them is because of their attractiveness. They wonder how many would say yes if they had a different appearance.
There are the daters who watch their younger siblings get married and have children, and there are the daters who watch their younger siblings follow in the same path of difficulties with dating.
There are the daters who date for a very long time before finding the right one, and there are people (who I won’t even call ‘daters’) who happen to meet the right person before they are ready to get married and suffer because they have found the right one and want to get married, but for whatever reason cannot. There are those who marry the first person they date, only to feel like an outcast from their friends and though they’ve gained a spouse, they lose their friends.
The bottom line is that everyone has a different dating experience, and we shouldn’t look at other people’s experience and say, “Hey, why can’t my situation be like that person’s?” That’s not how life goes. That’s not how it goes in any other area of life either. Some people have it easier than others, or at least they appear to. I have yet to meet someone who says, “Dating? Piece of cake! All smooth sailing! Not complicated at all.” People go through different things and deal with it in different ways. And that is perfectly OK.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Don't Give Up!
Every stop on the Jewish calendar is a chance for reflection. Now that Tisha B’Av is over, I was thinking about how we go from one extreme to the next. We just spent 3 weeks mourning and now we’re on our way to Shabbos Nachamu, and the 7 weeks of reading Haftorahs of comfort, of Hashem telling us that it’s all going to be OK in the end. Interestingly, psukim of comfort can be found within Eicha itself.
Last year on the night of Tisha B’Av, as I was following along closely as Eicha was being read, a passage of Eicha jumped out at me that really surprised me because in the middle of describing the suffering, there are a few psukim of comfort that touched me. If you look at Eicha Perek 3, Psukim 17- 26, you’ll find beautiful psukim that inspired me so much that I was able to turn to those psukum all year ‘round no matter what difficult situation I was in. Here’s the Artscroll English translation of a bunch of the psukim (I highly recommend reading the Hebrew as well):
“My soul despaired of having peace, I have forgotten goodness. And I said, “Gone is my strength and expectation from Hashem.” …Yet, this I bear in mind, therefore I still hope. Hashem’s kindness surely has not ended, nor are His mercies exhausted. They are new every morning, great is Your faithfulness! Hashem is my portion, says my soul, therefore I have hope in Him. Hashem is good to those who trust in Him, to the soul that seeks Him. It is good to hope submissively for Hashem’s salvation, for He has laid it upon him.”
It’s just stunning. It’s almost closer to something I would expect to find in Yeshayahu, although I think the style is more Eicha. It’s a great message. Do you know those times when you just want to give up? Eicha is saying, I give up! I despaired! I’m done! I don’t expect anything from Hashem anymore, there is no hope for me. It’s hopeless! I give up. I give up!
And then Eicha shares with us the secret of how to move past that feeling. What do you do when you want to give up? When you just don’t see how things are ever going to be good ever again? When it’s so bad that you have “forgotten goodness,” even if it’s just in one particular area of life? How do you move past that difficulty and trouble? Then there comes 3:11-13. THIS is what I tell my soul. What do I remind myself? That Hashem is not done giving to me yet. I am alive. Every single day is a new day, and with every single day there is a new chance for Hashem to shower His kindnesses and love upon me. “They are new every morning!” Don’t give up hoping for Hashem to save you from that difficult situation that you’re in. Don’t give up, says Eicha, because Hashem isn’t giving up on you.
And this is just after a few psukim earlier in the very same Perek Eicha cries out, “I am the man who has seen affliction….He has driven me on and on into unrelieved darkness…He has walled me in so that I cannot escape…though I would cry and plead, He shut out my prayer.” He literally feels like there is nowhere to turn, no where to escape, there is no way out. Everything is darkness, he is physically broken. And that’s when He gives up. He despairs. But he is able to turn it around and respond to his soul’s desperation.
I think that’s also an important point. That the way his faith is restored is through himself. Not by others telling him, “It’s going to be OK,” but by him coming to the realization himself. We have that power within us to overcome all of our negative feelings. As much as we want to give up, as much as sometimes things seem hopeless, we have the inner strength inside us to hold on and turn it around.
This was a bit of personal post, but I wanted to share it because it’s been one year since those words inspired me for the first time, and each time I read them, I feel it all over again, because the message is so powerful. No matter what you’re struggling with, don’t give up. Hashem’s kindnesses are new every day. There is always hope.
Last year on the night of Tisha B’Av, as I was following along closely as Eicha was being read, a passage of Eicha jumped out at me that really surprised me because in the middle of describing the suffering, there are a few psukim of comfort that touched me. If you look at Eicha Perek 3, Psukim 17- 26, you’ll find beautiful psukim that inspired me so much that I was able to turn to those psukum all year ‘round no matter what difficult situation I was in. Here’s the Artscroll English translation of a bunch of the psukim (I highly recommend reading the Hebrew as well):
“My soul despaired of having peace, I have forgotten goodness. And I said, “Gone is my strength and expectation from Hashem.” …Yet, this I bear in mind, therefore I still hope. Hashem’s kindness surely has not ended, nor are His mercies exhausted. They are new every morning, great is Your faithfulness! Hashem is my portion, says my soul, therefore I have hope in Him. Hashem is good to those who trust in Him, to the soul that seeks Him. It is good to hope submissively for Hashem’s salvation, for He has laid it upon him.”
It’s just stunning. It’s almost closer to something I would expect to find in Yeshayahu, although I think the style is more Eicha. It’s a great message. Do you know those times when you just want to give up? Eicha is saying, I give up! I despaired! I’m done! I don’t expect anything from Hashem anymore, there is no hope for me. It’s hopeless! I give up. I give up!
And then Eicha shares with us the secret of how to move past that feeling. What do you do when you want to give up? When you just don’t see how things are ever going to be good ever again? When it’s so bad that you have “forgotten goodness,” even if it’s just in one particular area of life? How do you move past that difficulty and trouble? Then there comes 3:11-13. THIS is what I tell my soul. What do I remind myself? That Hashem is not done giving to me yet. I am alive. Every single day is a new day, and with every single day there is a new chance for Hashem to shower His kindnesses and love upon me. “They are new every morning!” Don’t give up hoping for Hashem to save you from that difficult situation that you’re in. Don’t give up, says Eicha, because Hashem isn’t giving up on you.
And this is just after a few psukim earlier in the very same Perek Eicha cries out, “I am the man who has seen affliction….He has driven me on and on into unrelieved darkness…He has walled me in so that I cannot escape…though I would cry and plead, He shut out my prayer.” He literally feels like there is nowhere to turn, no where to escape, there is no way out. Everything is darkness, he is physically broken. And that’s when He gives up. He despairs. But he is able to turn it around and respond to his soul’s desperation.
I think that’s also an important point. That the way his faith is restored is through himself. Not by others telling him, “It’s going to be OK,” but by him coming to the realization himself. We have that power within us to overcome all of our negative feelings. As much as we want to give up, as much as sometimes things seem hopeless, we have the inner strength inside us to hold on and turn it around.
This was a bit of personal post, but I wanted to share it because it’s been one year since those words inspired me for the first time, and each time I read them, I feel it all over again, because the message is so powerful. No matter what you’re struggling with, don’t give up. Hashem’s kindnesses are new every day. There is always hope.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
"Droughts"
We singles love to complain about bad dates. To share crazy stories of what outrageous, weird, inappropriate, or just plain odd thing our date did or said. Dating is awful, we whine, can’t I just get married already? It’s a challenging situation, no doubt. But equally or possibly even more difficult are what I have nicknamed “droughts,” the short or sometimes long periods of times- weeks or even months- when we don’t go on any dates at all. To go along with the “when it rains it pours” metaphor which describes the times when one person suggests a shidduch for you and then suddenly you have numerous other suggestions, a “drought” is when your dating life begins to resemble a dessert comparable to the one mentioned in Tehillim 63, “Eretz Tziah V’Ayef Bli Mayim.” If you go with the mashal of being “in the parsha,” then it kind of feels like you’re stuck in the parsha which contains Az Yashir, where there are huge empty spaces/breaks between each phrase. In my experience this happens more frequently to girls than it does to guys, perhaps because some guys have lists, but either way it is one of the tough aspects of dating.
For those of you who have not had the pleasure of experiencing a “drought,” and are wondering why it’s such a challenge, let me explain what it feels like. Every time a friend bombards you with another bad date story in your head you are rolling your eyes and thinking, “Well, at least you went out on a date.” But then you hear how bad the date was and although you wish you had a date, part of you is thankful that at least you didn’t have to spend a couple of hours in agony suffering through a bad date. But if all your friends who are dating are having positive experiences, then it’s tough. This difficult time might even lead you to declare dramatically, “I’m never going to go on another date again! I’m never going to get married!” Even though you know it’s not true, you just want someone to jump in and comfort you and tell you that you have nothing to worry about. (Ok, maybe that’s just a girl thing :)) But then of course there’s eventually some “rain fall” and maybe all the sudden out of the blue two or three or four people have suggestions for you and you wish they could have spaced it out so you’re not bombarded all at once.
There are two main challenges with “droughts.” The first is that for some reason the more dates you or go on, the more it feels like you’re closer to getting married. This comes from a big misconception, but for some reason most people feel this way. It’s kind of like the lottery. People assume that the more tickets they buy, the greater their chances are of winning the lottery. So the more people you date, the more likely one of them is bound to be the right person, right? Statistically and mathematically it is true that your chances are greater of winning the lottery are greater if you have purchased more tickets. However, many people say that if Hashem wants you to win the lottery then you will, so you should only buy one ticket, and if He doesn’t want you to win the lottery then it doesn’t matter how many tickets you bought, you won’t win the lottery.
Whether you subscribe to that notion or not, the same logic applies to shidduchim. You are only looking for ONE person. It doesn’t matter how many dates you have. You could go out with 3 people in 5 years or you could go out with 100 in one year. If Hashem doesn’t think the time is right for you to find your shidduch, then you won’t get married, no matter how many dates you go on. But for some reason if I haven’t gone on a date in a long time, it feels like my chances of getting married are much lower. I feel like I should be buying more lottery tickets to up my chances. This is completely illogical and once you realize that this is a misconception, it changes your perspective completely.
The second reason that “droughts” are tough is that it’s easy to feel that there’s something wrong with you. Why are others going on so many dates, while you have no dates? Is there something wrong with you that no one wants to set you up?
So, how does someone deal with not dating, with “droughts”?
Well, I can only say what works for me, and there are three ways. The first one is summed up best in the phrase, “Yeshuat Hashem KiHeref Ayin.” This is a phrase that I love for many reasons, but applied to this situation it means that at any second your state of not having any dates could change. “Droughts” are related to Az Yashir in more than just the layout of the text, but the content of the story as well. B’nei Yisrael looked in all directions and there was nothing, there was no way out. They were stuck. They thought they’d never get out of this. But Moshe says, “Hityatzivu U’Riu et Yeshuat Hashem.” Just wait! You’ll see Hashem is going to save you. That’s true for B’nei Yisrael then, and it’s a message that’s true for us now.
Maybe it looks like there’s no more dates in sight. As Shades of Grey wrote in this post, have some patience. You’ll get there. Maybe it has been a while since you’ve gone out on a date, but you’ll go out on one again, eventually, even if it’s not for a while. This is all assuming that you’ve put in your proper effort. You can’t just sit there and expect a miracle- even Hashem waited for someone to jump into the Yam Suf before splitting the sea. Once you’ve done what you can do, then is the time for patience.
The second way to deal with “droughts” is to realize that there is an end in sight. This coping strategy can be explained if you look at how to deal with pain in general. One method of dealing with pain involves focusing on the fact that the pain is temporary and will go away. Pain is unbearable if you think that it is never going to end or go away. If someone says, “This is going to hurt,” you wonder for how long. If someone says, “This is going to hurt for 10 seconds,” then it’s much easier to deal with because you can focus on what life will be like after those 10 seconds are up. Dealing with pain involves realizing that you will heal and that the pain will go away one day. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. If you focus on that light instead of on your current situation, then it’s a lot easier. A runner who is running a race thinks, “Almost there, almost there, just keep going.”
The third method of dealing with the challenge of “droughts” is to realize that you have been given the gift of time to reflect. If you’re going on date after date after date without a break, then you don’t have time to think things through. “Droughts” are a great time to step back and reevaluate. Is what I said I’m looking for really what I’m looking for? What have I learned from previous dates about myself and what I’m looking for that can help me in the future? These are important questions, and it’s good to have time to see what you can learn. I don’t mean that you should over analyze every detail of every date you’ve ever been on, because that is not healthy. But using the break to gain some perspective can be more productive towards finding a shidduch then going on a lot of dates that go nowhere.
Another positive side of “droughts” is that they help you appreciate going out on a date. Kind of like the whole “absence makes the heart grow fonder” idea, or like the feeling you get when you’ve been on a diet for a long time and then you bite into that first piece of cake.
To sum up, dating is tough, but not dating is even harder. Know that Hashem can save you at any second and also that this difficult time is only temporary; it has an end to it. Take the time to re-evaluate who you are and what you’re looking for. And when it finally rains, you’ll appreciate it and enjoy it that much more.
For those of you who have not had the pleasure of experiencing a “drought,” and are wondering why it’s such a challenge, let me explain what it feels like. Every time a friend bombards you with another bad date story in your head you are rolling your eyes and thinking, “Well, at least you went out on a date.” But then you hear how bad the date was and although you wish you had a date, part of you is thankful that at least you didn’t have to spend a couple of hours in agony suffering through a bad date. But if all your friends who are dating are having positive experiences, then it’s tough. This difficult time might even lead you to declare dramatically, “I’m never going to go on another date again! I’m never going to get married!” Even though you know it’s not true, you just want someone to jump in and comfort you and tell you that you have nothing to worry about. (Ok, maybe that’s just a girl thing :)) But then of course there’s eventually some “rain fall” and maybe all the sudden out of the blue two or three or four people have suggestions for you and you wish they could have spaced it out so you’re not bombarded all at once.
There are two main challenges with “droughts.” The first is that for some reason the more dates you or go on, the more it feels like you’re closer to getting married. This comes from a big misconception, but for some reason most people feel this way. It’s kind of like the lottery. People assume that the more tickets they buy, the greater their chances are of winning the lottery. So the more people you date, the more likely one of them is bound to be the right person, right? Statistically and mathematically it is true that your chances are greater of winning the lottery are greater if you have purchased more tickets. However, many people say that if Hashem wants you to win the lottery then you will, so you should only buy one ticket, and if He doesn’t want you to win the lottery then it doesn’t matter how many tickets you bought, you won’t win the lottery.
Whether you subscribe to that notion or not, the same logic applies to shidduchim. You are only looking for ONE person. It doesn’t matter how many dates you have. You could go out with 3 people in 5 years or you could go out with 100 in one year. If Hashem doesn’t think the time is right for you to find your shidduch, then you won’t get married, no matter how many dates you go on. But for some reason if I haven’t gone on a date in a long time, it feels like my chances of getting married are much lower. I feel like I should be buying more lottery tickets to up my chances. This is completely illogical and once you realize that this is a misconception, it changes your perspective completely.
The second reason that “droughts” are tough is that it’s easy to feel that there’s something wrong with you. Why are others going on so many dates, while you have no dates? Is there something wrong with you that no one wants to set you up?
So, how does someone deal with not dating, with “droughts”?
Well, I can only say what works for me, and there are three ways. The first one is summed up best in the phrase, “Yeshuat Hashem KiHeref Ayin.” This is a phrase that I love for many reasons, but applied to this situation it means that at any second your state of not having any dates could change. “Droughts” are related to Az Yashir in more than just the layout of the text, but the content of the story as well. B’nei Yisrael looked in all directions and there was nothing, there was no way out. They were stuck. They thought they’d never get out of this. But Moshe says, “Hityatzivu U’Riu et Yeshuat Hashem.” Just wait! You’ll see Hashem is going to save you. That’s true for B’nei Yisrael then, and it’s a message that’s true for us now.
Maybe it looks like there’s no more dates in sight. As Shades of Grey wrote in this post, have some patience. You’ll get there. Maybe it has been a while since you’ve gone out on a date, but you’ll go out on one again, eventually, even if it’s not for a while. This is all assuming that you’ve put in your proper effort. You can’t just sit there and expect a miracle- even Hashem waited for someone to jump into the Yam Suf before splitting the sea. Once you’ve done what you can do, then is the time for patience.
The second way to deal with “droughts” is to realize that there is an end in sight. This coping strategy can be explained if you look at how to deal with pain in general. One method of dealing with pain involves focusing on the fact that the pain is temporary and will go away. Pain is unbearable if you think that it is never going to end or go away. If someone says, “This is going to hurt,” you wonder for how long. If someone says, “This is going to hurt for 10 seconds,” then it’s much easier to deal with because you can focus on what life will be like after those 10 seconds are up. Dealing with pain involves realizing that you will heal and that the pain will go away one day. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. If you focus on that light instead of on your current situation, then it’s a lot easier. A runner who is running a race thinks, “Almost there, almost there, just keep going.”
The third method of dealing with the challenge of “droughts” is to realize that you have been given the gift of time to reflect. If you’re going on date after date after date without a break, then you don’t have time to think things through. “Droughts” are a great time to step back and reevaluate. Is what I said I’m looking for really what I’m looking for? What have I learned from previous dates about myself and what I’m looking for that can help me in the future? These are important questions, and it’s good to have time to see what you can learn. I don’t mean that you should over analyze every detail of every date you’ve ever been on, because that is not healthy. But using the break to gain some perspective can be more productive towards finding a shidduch then going on a lot of dates that go nowhere.
Another positive side of “droughts” is that they help you appreciate going out on a date. Kind of like the whole “absence makes the heart grow fonder” idea, or like the feeling you get when you’ve been on a diet for a long time and then you bite into that first piece of cake.
To sum up, dating is tough, but not dating is even harder. Know that Hashem can save you at any second and also that this difficult time is only temporary; it has an end to it. Take the time to re-evaluate who you are and what you’re looking for. And when it finally rains, you’ll appreciate it and enjoy it that much more.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Stern College Poll
I recently noticed that the student newspaper of
The reason that this shocked me was that belief in G-d is the biggest foundations of our faith. It is the very first commandment of the Ten Commandments given to us at Har Sinai when we received the Torah- "I am Hashem." The majority of Stern students grew up religious/Torah observant and have attended Jewish schools their entire lives. It boggled my mind that so many people who are religious struggle with such a basic concept as whether G-d exists or not.
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